Mastiff Monday: Halloween Edition

First of all sorry for the lack of entries. I am a bit of a shitty blogger. I'm OK with that though because I am a really good friend and I think that counts for more.

Anywho, it's Halloween and that means you'll see a ton of little kids in costume today. You will also see a lot of people putting their dog "babies" in costume too. Some people think this is weird and that is a valid point. But I ask you this: why hold dominion over anything if you don't use that power to amuse yourself? It's why we put funny costumes on kids and babies and it rightly carries over to dogs. Case in point. Our buddy the flying monkey above.

The real fun part about mastiffs at Halloween has to be their size. It's great to dress up a pug like Yoda because it's tiny and it already kind of looks like Yoda, but with mastiffs you have to step up the game. Their size brings all kinds of opportunities to light. You wouldn't waste a Yoda costume on a mastiff. You have to think bigger.

You can dress your mastiff like a little baby.

Or a rough and tough cowboy and his trusty mount.

Or a pretty fairy princess.

You are only limited by your imagination. And that is the beauty of Halloween.

And now I leave you with a dose of adorable. Mastiffs and babies! That's a good dog.

Sgt. Larvelle Jones Beatboxes "Whole Lotta Love"

Not a whole lot needs to be said about this video. This is apparently from a Norwegian talk show. How is it that we can't get shit like this on American TV? Are you seeing this Jimmy Fallon? It's a can't miss.

This video is proof that Michael Winslow was underutilized in the Police Academy franchise. Those filmmakers clearly couldn't see past Steve Guttenberg's star power. Otherwise Jones would have been all over the place. Don't get me wrong, his highlights are the best, but think of what could have been. The closest we got was him backing up Lt. Callahan that one time and that was nowhere near close enough.

My favorite part was when he told the guitarist to play it in the original artist's key. Fucking right, man. This isn't amateur hour.

Mastiff Monday: Diesel's Debut

So as I mentioned last week, some of the wonderful things about Mastiffs are that they are enormous and you can give them fantastic names like my friend Chunky Monkey above and Diesel below.

One of the other great things about mastiffs that I have recently discovered is watching them eat. They can eat a ton and it's kind of mesmerizing. I think you will agree.

I bet he was still hungry after he finished the pork butt.

Mastiff Monday

So there is a very fun TV blog called Warming Glow (extra credit if you get the Simpsons' reference) and one of their weekly features is Corgi Friday. As you may have guessed, the writer basically posts pictures and videos of Corgis. I love Corgis a great deal. Their tiny little legs are both adorable and functional, allowing them to run under sheep and herd them. Plus they have very cute, pleasant faces. I don't think there is a soul alive who would not like the Corgi Flop once they have seen it. Corgi Friday is a wonderful idea and I am glad it exists.

In any event, I think it is time another breed got its due. Since Corgis are tiny little guys, I decided that I wanted to promote the other end of the spectrum and showcase English Mastiffs. Mastiffs are great because they are enormous. I think that is reason enough to love them.

Males average 150-250 pounds, while females average 120-200 pounds. The largest recorded weight for a mastiff is 343 pounds. That's incredible. It's like taking Haloti Ngata for a walk. Now I don't want to think about how much a dog like that eats and I really don't want to think about what you would have to clean up after it. I think the most important thing to take away from this is that you could probably ride one of these dogs.

Mastiffs also have a very good temperament. They are very loyal, loving and are basically gigantic, real teddy bears that you can leave to protect your house. I'm certain you will have to wipe up some drool, but that is the price you pay for one of these big guys.

Plus you get to give them awesome names like Zeus, Samson, Thor, Goliath or Jumbo. You can't throw those around with golden retrievers or beagles without looking like a punk.

If you are having some trouble getting behind my logic, please check out the visual evidence.

The are very cute as puppies.

And also make great companions.

Plus, they will keep you safe from dragons, which is a threat we have overlooked in recent years.

In summation, Mastiffs are where it is at. In the world of big old dogs, this breed reigns supreme. Not everyone can handle this much love, but I salute those that do. You're doing the hard work that we can't.

Now please enjoy, Tank and his shenanigans. He's not so bright.