Mastiff Monday: Halloween Edition

First of all sorry for the lack of entries. I am a bit of a shitty blogger. I'm OK with that though because I am a really good friend and I think that counts for more.

Anywho, it's Halloween and that means you'll see a ton of little kids in costume today. You will also see a lot of people putting their dog "babies" in costume too. Some people think this is weird and that is a valid point. But I ask you this: why hold dominion over anything if you don't use that power to amuse yourself? It's why we put funny costumes on kids and babies and it rightly carries over to dogs. Case in point. Our buddy the flying monkey above.

The real fun part about mastiffs at Halloween has to be their size. It's great to dress up a pug like Yoda because it's tiny and it already kind of looks like Yoda, but with mastiffs you have to step up the game. Their size brings all kinds of opportunities to light. You wouldn't waste a Yoda costume on a mastiff. You have to think bigger.

You can dress your mastiff like a little baby.

Or a rough and tough cowboy and his trusty mount.

Or a pretty fairy princess.

You are only limited by your imagination. And that is the beauty of Halloween.

And now I leave you with a dose of adorable. Mastiffs and babies! That's a good dog.

Sgt. Larvelle Jones Beatboxes "Whole Lotta Love"

Not a whole lot needs to be said about this video. This is apparently from a Norwegian talk show. How is it that we can't get shit like this on American TV? Are you seeing this Jimmy Fallon? It's a can't miss.

This video is proof that Michael Winslow was underutilized in the Police Academy franchise. Those filmmakers clearly couldn't see past Steve Guttenberg's star power. Otherwise Jones would have been all over the place. Don't get me wrong, his highlights are the best, but think of what could have been. The closest we got was him backing up Lt. Callahan that one time and that was nowhere near close enough.

My favorite part was when he told the guitarist to play it in the original artist's key. Fucking right, man. This isn't amateur hour.

Mastiff Monday: Diesel's Debut

So as I mentioned last week, some of the wonderful things about Mastiffs are that they are enormous and you can give them fantastic names like my friend Chunky Monkey above and Diesel below.

One of the other great things about mastiffs that I have recently discovered is watching them eat. They can eat a ton and it's kind of mesmerizing. I think you will agree.

I bet he was still hungry after he finished the pork butt.

Mastiff Monday

So there is a very fun TV blog called Warming Glow (extra credit if you get the Simpsons' reference) and one of their weekly features is Corgi Friday. As you may have guessed, the writer basically posts pictures and videos of Corgis. I love Corgis a great deal. Their tiny little legs are both adorable and functional, allowing them to run under sheep and herd them. Plus they have very cute, pleasant faces. I don't think there is a soul alive who would not like the Corgi Flop once they have seen it. Corgi Friday is a wonderful idea and I am glad it exists.

In any event, I think it is time another breed got its due. Since Corgis are tiny little guys, I decided that I wanted to promote the other end of the spectrum and showcase English Mastiffs. Mastiffs are great because they are enormous. I think that is reason enough to love them.

Males average 150-250 pounds, while females average 120-200 pounds. The largest recorded weight for a mastiff is 343 pounds. That's incredible. It's like taking Haloti Ngata for a walk. Now I don't want to think about how much a dog like that eats and I really don't want to think about what you would have to clean up after it. I think the most important thing to take away from this is that you could probably ride one of these dogs.

Mastiffs also have a very good temperament. They are very loyal, loving and are basically gigantic, real teddy bears that you can leave to protect your house. I'm certain you will have to wipe up some drool, but that is the price you pay for one of these big guys.

Plus you get to give them awesome names like Zeus, Samson, Thor, Goliath or Jumbo. You can't throw those around with golden retrievers or beagles without looking like a punk.

If you are having some trouble getting behind my logic, please check out the visual evidence.

The are very cute as puppies.

And also make great companions.

Plus, they will keep you safe from dragons, which is a threat we have overlooked in recent years.

In summation, Mastiffs are where it is at. In the world of big old dogs, this breed reigns supreme. Not everyone can handle this much love, but I salute those that do. You're doing the hard work that we can't.

Now please enjoy, Tank and his shenanigans. He's not so bright.

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: In Which I Kick Ass in Trivia

We have a doozy today. 

For those who want to know how the sausage is made, I usually get e-mails from my sister where she tells me about the bizarre shit that inhabits her subconscious mind. I then promptly put them on the blog. And that, my friends, is how science works for you.

Anyways, this little gem came to me with the subject line "WTF Dream." It's the most appropriate subject line she could have gone with. A small part of me is glad that the dream disturbed her enough that she couldn't fall back asleep. No one should be allowed to rest easy after conjuring up something like this.

Alrighty so I had a very disturbing dream which woke me up a little after 5 and then I was just awake for awhile.

I was in Dot's house with my friend Leah. I had this very weird feeling of a presence, kinda like how we used to feel in Uncle Joe's creepy house. Leah was going upstairs to get ready for bed and then I freaked out, I was like, "I don't want to stay down here by myself!!" and ran after her. We were up in the attic like bedroom where we were going to stay and Pop Vic kept making runs up and down the stairs bringing towels, etc. Then he was like, "Be careful, people broke in here to look at our internet the other week." I was like, "What are you talking about?" And he was like, "The neighbors, they were in here, on our computer looking on wikipedia." I was trying to look at Leah and be like, "Don't worry- they are a lil' nuts, no one broke in."

As he was making another trek up the stairs he was totally winded. I was like, "Pop, why don't you rest. I'll do the running up and down the stairs." So he sat on this corner step and was mumbling some stuff that wasn't audible. Then he was tearing up and was like, "I shouldn't have to wash socks five... six times a week." As I was looking at him, he looked more like Dad, but had a wavy afro. He went downstairs I guess and Leah came out of the bathroom. She had on a tank and underwear but it looked like she was naked. I was like, "You need to put on more clothes!!"

So we go down and Grandma is coming in off of the porch (and there is a big bar outside with lots of people). She has a zip up hoodie on and is like, "Man, Matt and Greg are like one trivia question off from winning $5,000."

Then I woke up and I was creeped out, so I had a really hard time falling asleep again. I felt like someone was touching me, then I was convinced something was in my room.

That last sentence may seem ominous and paranormal since we are entering the autumn months and are only a few short weeks away from All Hallow's Eve, but I wouldn't worry about it. I bet a drifter just broke is and was watching her sleep. Nothing to get worked up over.

R.I.P. Bubba Smith

It was announced today that former Baltimore Colt and actor Bubba Smith was found dead in his home in Los Angeles today. Bubba would receive valuable blog space even if he had only been a Baltimore Colt, but he did it way better starring in the Police Academy series (which are awesome... don't let anyone tell you otherwise) as well as appearing in ads for local law firm Cohen, Snyder, Eisenberg & Katzenberg.

I will always remember him as Lt. Moses Hightower, cohort of Police Academy ne'er-do-well Carey Mahoney (played by Steve Guttenberg). Even when Guttenberg left the franchise after the fourth movie, Smith shouldered on lending his quiet demeanor to the successive films.

Bubba was also a great pitch man, starring in what might have been some of the very first humorous beer commercials, pre-Spuds McKenzie.

He will be missed.

I'm Still Here. I Promise.

Hola, gang! Sorry I haven't rapped at you in a while. I know it would take a monumental explanation to really make up for my absence. The good news is I have one.

A few months ago, I saw my sensei murdered in cold blood by one of my fellow students. This guy was pissed because he taught me all of the secret arts instead of him and decided to blame the sensei rather than just accepting that maybe he wasn't as good of a student as he thought he was. In my shame and grief I took a vow of silence until I was able to avenge my teacher.

I traveled the world searching for him. I trekked through the Himalayas, slept in volcanoes, explored lost cities in South America and then forged a sword from the molten core of a fallen star. Still I could not find him. Then one day I was at a CVS here in Glen Burnie (picking up a Whatchamacallit and Arizona Iced Tea) and there he was right in front of me. What the shit?!

So I dropped my treats and ran outside to my car where I had my star-sword sitting in the passenger seat and I waited to pounce. Bing bang boom, I cut off his head and ate his heart taking his strength and essence into me.

Anywho, here I am. Your humble blogger, bowed in supplication.As a sign of good faith, please enjoy this video.

Watch out, puppies! Killer baby!

Happy America Day!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We won!

If anyone needs me, I will be hanging out in my front yard grilling hot dogs and drinking Budweiser.

The Greatest Speech Ever Spoken

You tell 'em, you magnificent bastard.

If you watch this video today and do not run out and make your dreams happen then you aren't fit to draw breath. This man started out as a small boy from Mississippi and he worked hard (with a little help from his loving wife) until he achieved his dream of owning cowboy monkeys that ride dogs.

God bless you, sir. You are an inspiration to us all.

Seriously though. Why didn't this guy ever come to talk at my school? I think its important for kids to learn that even if your dream is really, really stupid, you can still achieve it and get paid to do what you love. Is there anything more American than that?

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: The Prince Edition

So I thought I might offer up my own dream. Apparently Kendra is not the only one in the family with an odd subconscious. I think I have an excuse. I took a double dose of 10 mg melatonin before bed when I had this dream so it's a reasonable assumption that my brain chemistry was changed for the evening. What followed was a disturbing look into my pop-culture laden psyche. It was also a pretty star-studded affair with guest appearances by two classic TV stars from the '80s and a recent Oscar nominee.

I swear this is all real.

I was going to some weird warehouse building that was filled with people. There was this house on the outside that was inhabited by rednecks and we were heading there. I was with the actor John Fawkes who was Kenny Powers' brother and we went to this house and had the redneck family come out. There was a weird stage set up and I walked up and placed and miniature train car on these tracks that were there. I had come to this people's house to show them that I had shrunk down Patrick Duffy from Step by Step and Dallas and put him in the train car. I asked one of them for a car battery thinking that if we shocked him he would dance. Then a huge crowd formed to see him. Everyone was watching and then Lynda Carter (who played Wonder Woman on TV) came up and grabbed Patrick Duffy and threw him into the crowd. I screamed "What have you done? He's as good as dead!" Then John Fawkes and I started to run because we didn't want to get in trouble for his death. As we were turning the corner we saw that Patrick Duffy was OK and full-sized in a turquoise sport coat and he was coming back in to see who was responsible for everything. He was pissed. So John Fawkes and I dropped to the dirt to stay out of sight. Then I woke up.

Right when I woke up from this absurdist theater show, I sat up in bed and actually said out loud "What the fuck?"

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Greg Nice Makes a Cameo

So baby sister's subconscience is at it again. This time, my friend and associate Greg Nice made a cameo along with his illegitimate sisters. Who are soley the product of my sister's twisted dreamscape, I should add. I don't think there are any skeletons of this nature in the family closet. I can't be certain but I would stake my spotless reputation on it. Anywho, enjoy!

I had a dream last night with a cameo of Greg [Nice] all up in it!

I'm not sure if this was apart of the dream, but Matt, we first started out at the mall with the Kemps. The girls were waiting in line to go the bathroom and Dawn and Buzz just started walking away and was like, "Ehhhh whatever. They'll be fine." I didn't want to leave them so I remember staying and waiting for them.

The next thing I remember, I was on the road turning onto RT 1 and there were like 4 hippies sitting in the middle of the road on those pop out camping chairs. I remember driving past them and I saw they were drinking coffee and had small signs so I figured they were protesting something.

Fast forward to me somehow being in a hotel room, I open the door an am bombarded by those four hippie chicks. They were all pretty unattractive- bad makeup, very plain, looked like those feminist girls from the PCU movie. They all start screaming and are all loud demanding if I know Greg, etc. I was actually on my way to meet the two of you in a bar.

They were like, "He's a whore!" And I said, "Who? Greg is a whore?" And they replied, "No, his dad. We are all his daughters!" Point of that being- your father had a lot of illegitimate, unattractive daughters. They were super fired up so I remember just F-ing with them. The one was all screaming in my face and I was like, "You are cute. C'mere and give me a kiss."

Your sisters continued to follow me down the hall shouting and I entered the bar to meet you guys which was definitely like a Jillians/Dave and Busters type of bar. I saw you guys at the table and I was just kind of chuckling because I had this yelling entourage following me. At this point Greggy, your face went completely white. The sisters saw Greg and started in on him and Matt, you said to me, "Oh great- everyone is all excited because they think it's about to get all ghetto up in here." The entire bar thought there was going to be a massive throw down.

So the real question- were they protesting your father in the middle of the road right near Rt. 1? Keep your family drama outta my dreams.
 
Amen, sister.

Bigfoot Captured on Film in NC

Well dear readers, I think you know I can't pass up a good Bigfoot story. While this is not a good Bigfoot story, I decided to post it anyway.

So this video was shot in North Carolina on Golden Valley Church Road in Rutherford County. If you look on a map it's right in between East Jesus and West Bumfuck, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to find. The fact that this road is in the sticks lends a little bit of credibility to the potential siting. Just a bit though. In my humble opinion it's the video that saps the rest of the credibility.

I really want to believe that this guy finally captured a sasquatch, but I have been burned too many times, most notably by those clowns from Alabama who sold a frozen bigfoot costume to Stanford University for $30,000. Or something like that. I don't remember the details.

On to the video. First of all, the whole damn thing is blurry. Seriously? This was your one shot and you decided not to get the shot in focus. Doesn't every video camera in the world have auto-focus now? Did he turn that feature off?

When the creature crosses, he lets out that funny little grunt while shaking his fist menacingly at the camera. To me that looks like a crotchety, old man shooing kids off of his lawn. He also kind of shuffles across the road like he's wearing slippers or something. The only plus the cameraman has going for him is that this thing he filmed is really, really hairy. But that's not enough to convince me. There are lots of hairy people out there, myself included, and last time I checked we were not the missing link.

In summation, this is a fat, hairy hillbilly that got caught running around the mountains naked. I'm sure this is not a rare occurence. I just think it happened to be one of the few times it was caught on video.

I'm no fan of hunting and I think it's wrong to kill an innocent animal, but I think if I were in the woods and came across a sasquatch and I had the means, I would shoot the shit out of it. Boom. Proof. Do I feel bad about it? Yes. Do people think I'm full of shit? Not after the DNA testing comes back.

Which brings me to The Prince's Lesson of the Day: Always carry loaded firearms in your car. The bigger the better. You never know when you need to drop an ape on the side of the road.

I hope we've all learned something.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Harry Potter Dubstep Poledance

So this is without a doubt the most interesting thing I have seen today.

Since I am a geek I was stoked for the magic and whimsy of Harry Potter. Since I am a guy I was stoked for the poledancing and lady parts. The dubstep music only served to lull me into a weird daze while I watched the video.

It's safe for work (unless poledancing is too naughty for your office) and is kind of like a naughty Cirque du Soleil. I don't even need to see naked if the poledancing is going to be like this. I'm entranced by the movement and the athletic prowess of the witch woman in the video. It's really very impressive. And it's kind of geek hot too, which is always a plus. There is nothing like sexy geeks who may or may not be strippers. I wonder if she reads comics?

Seriously, has Cirque du Soleil done this yet? If any members of the troupe are reading this, get on it. I want to see some next level poledancing shit next time I go out to Vegas. But not at a nudey bar. And yes I know it's lovely when they are naked, but I think it would be even cooler if they looked like this when they poledanced.

It would be kind of creepy if they didn't look human.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Mansuetude

So this morning I was greeted by another silly word courtesy of my Word of the Day e-mail. The word in question was "mansuetude." As you may have guessed, this word does not mean what it looks like it means (if that makes any damn sense to you).

Mansuetude's actual definition, according to Dictionary.com, is "mildness; gentleness." Huh? When you put "MAN" right in the front of the word, the last thing I am thinking about is being gentle. The "sue" part throws you off just a little bit at first but the "tude" at the end really seals the deal.

In my mind, mansuetude should mean "a manly attitude." That is clearly more fitting and in keeping with the fragile male ego. We can't have gentle associated with us. It's unbecoming.

To further explain my new definition, I give you the Prince's Word of the Day Players, starring me and some other person.

Some Other Person: How was your dinner with Steve the other night?
Me: It was OK. He ordered a steak for dinner. Then when I asked for quiche he jumped up, kicked me in the nuts and then chugged a can of Budweiser.
SOP: Now that's what I call mansuetude!
Me: Fucking Steve, right?

See? My version is way better. You'll all be happy to know that when I take over, the people in charge of word definitions will be the first put against the wall. Then my regime will truly take shape.

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: That's a Situation!

Oh how I've missed this. They never get old to me. I hope they don't get old to you either. This time around, baby sis visits grandma's house and becomes The Situation's bang maid. Enjoy.

I was in Dotsy's house, but she wasn't there and The Situation came over. I was making eggplant parmesan, but heated up some leftover eggplant parm for him. I heated it in a Styrofoam container, but saw that melted away so I plated it for him. We were just hanging out, I thought per chance we could bang, but it was more of a friendly visit. I heard some rustling around upstairs and then Dad came down the stairs, tripping and totally wasted. The Situation pretty much bolted after he introduced himself and I thought it looked so sketchy, like I was running a bang session. When he introduced himself, he was all thuggish, and I was so embarrassed.

Not nearly as embarrassed as the family when we try and explain my sister. Also, I am still waiting on that free psychiatric advice for her. Don't be stingy, dammit.

New Take on a Holiday Classic

So this is a fun little video just in time for your Yule celebrations. It harkens back to a simpler time when guys as mismatched as Bing Crosby and David Bowie would get together to sing Christmas carols together. I think people are still trying to figure that one out.

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly stay kind of faithful to the old duet up until a point. Then they take it off into a nice awkward direction. I am always surprised by how moved I am by Ferrell's dulcet tones.

Merry Christmas!

The Princess Bride... Now with More Lightsaber!

I usually think I'm a cool guy, but then I stumble across something like this and realize how impossibly geeky I really am. I was grinning like an idiot for the entire two minutes.

I'm not sure there is anything that is not imporved by a little lightsaber action.

The fact that I really enjoy The Princess Bride is probably a further reflection on my geekiness, but I'm OK with that because chicks really love this movie too. It defies classification. It's a chick flick with some boss sword fighting thrown in. Plus there was a giant rat.

Aaaaaaaaand Andre the Giant!



In summation, The Princess Bride is damn near perfect. Lightsabers and Jedis might be the only thing that would make the movie better.

Or tits. I forgot about those.

More Reasons to Love Bea Arthur

This is all over the Internet, but I feel as though I am doing a disservice if I don't share this with my loyal subject.

It appears that Bea Arthur, contrary to her public statements, did a stint in the Marines.

What a bad ass.

She served under her birth name of Bernice Frankel and as you can see is tall as shit. She enlisted in 1943 and served for 30 months in the Women's Reserve as a typist and truck driver. Strangely enough, she has always publicly denied that she served. It's not like people can't check. I guess someone finally did.

During her enlistment, she took part in interviews that contributed to a "personality appraisal" that called her "argumentative" and "over aggressive." That's my girl. I feel like she would have fit in well with the hard-ass women in my family. She would have been my favorite great-aunt or something and would have constantly busted my balls.

The only blemish on her record was a misconduct report from when she contracted a venereal disease and was laid up for five days as a result. That's a vicious VD.

If you want all the sordid details, visit The Smoking Gun.

Semper Fi, Bea! You're in elite company.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: CNN Screw-Up On Air

This one is going to be short and sweet. There really doesn't need to be much in the way of explanation or analysis. I will say this: someone screwed the pooch over at CNN. But we're all winners thanks to his mistake.

I remember when I first saw this scene in the theaters when I was in high school. I almost wet myself (I was like 16. Then again, I would probably react the same today.). My buddy Smooth B laughed so hard he almost jumped into the seat in front of him. Thus a comedy classic was born and a good time was had by all.

Enjoy!

Merry F'ing Christmas

Nothing like a little Slayer to get you in the holiday spirit. It's either this or Bing Crosby.

If neither of those work, I can't help you. You're probably dead inside. Do us all a favor and retire to the wilderness and live out your days in solitude.