It's Time for the Percolator

This afternoon I had the good fortune to hang out with some of my oldest friends, those that knew me before I ascended to my regal throne. While discussing the old days, our stories drifted to our visits to the Petra Food Mart and inevitably music. This was the jam back in the day and this video really does it justice. Its kind of like the Grand Canyon, everyone should see it at least once before they die.

It's a Twister! It's a Twister: Tornado in Dundalk!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a tornado was confirmed to have touched down in my kingdom yesterday.

The National Weather Service confirmed that an EF-0 tornado did occur during the storms that attacked Maryland yesterday. An EF-0 is basically the smallest tornado you can have while still calling it a tornado with wind speeds of 70 miles per hour. I think it was so tiny because Mother Nature was afraid she might piss me off.

Unfortunately, I was indisposed yesterday during the storms or I would have sorted the whole thing out. Sometimes I spin around really fast in the opposite direction of the tornado and just watch the damn thing fizzle out. If I'm a little bit tired I just yell at it really loud and it pretty much just stops. In addition to being a King of the Sea, I'm a bit of a Storm God as well. There are many facets to my being.

Most importantly, I don't want anyone to worry. I have opened the treasury to finance the repairs. It will only be a matter of days before all the pink flamingoes, painted tire planters and giant NASCAR flags appear on my kingdom's lawns and things return to normal.

The First Poll is Closed!

First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for participating in the inaugural Prince of Dundalk Make-Me-Feel-Good-About-Myself Poll. We had a great turnout with more than ten people contributing (I was one of them). I honestly don't know what to say about that. I didn't even think I knew ten people in the entire world, but apparently I do. Kudos to you all.

Now on to the results.

We have a tie! Sort of! "Absolutely! I love this man, hairy back and all." and "What's not to like? His tale of adventure on the high seas had me removing my pants." netted four votes each. "Totally! He's the hottest shit I've ever seen." nabbed two, while only one loser voted for "Are you kidding? I've never seen a sexier man in my life."

Since I am of royal blood and I do run this blog, my word is law so I will determine the tie-breaker. Since I voted for "What's not to like? His tale of adventure on the high seas had me removing my pants." I will remove my vote. Normally my vote would count as ten votes, but I don't want to appear arrogant. Let it never be said I am not a man of the people.

Congratulations to all those who voted for the one that called me out on my hairy back. As a reward for all the winning voters, I will allow you to stroke my back hair for two minutes each at your earliest convenience.

I'd like to thank you all for voting. It says a lot about you all as humans beings that the results of the poll would all be so positive. But really it says even more about my raw animal magnetism. I think we're all winners today.

Hershey Has Done it Again! Part 3: Return of the Boogaloo Kid

So once more I was possessed with the urge to sample another of Hershey's Iced Tea mint treats. This was another impulse buy while standing in line at Target waiting to pay for my milk, lemonade, Snyders of Hanover Hot Buffalo Wing flavored pretzel pieces and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Bumblebee action figure.

Surprisingly, the Peach tea has jumped the line to become my second favorite of the Iced Tea mint offerings. Its definitely better than the Raspberry one but still doesn't beat Lemon. They basically all taste like you're eating a handful of instant iced tea powder. But honestly, who hasn't done that before? 

These are still my current favorite candies behind the always #1 Nerds.

My New Favorite Show: Sex Decoy!

This morning I had no idea this show existed, but tonight I rest easy knowing that the Fox Reality Channel is producing fine entertainment like Sex Decoy: Love Stings!

The show follows Sandra, a crispy-headed blonde who just so happens to be the owner and chief investigator for MateCheck Investigations, a firm that hires itself out to women and then tempts their boyfriends, husbands, etc. with a revolving cast of sexual decoys.

Tonight's episode was a very special one as Sandra's youngest daughter Xanadu (back home after years of estrangement) was going to take on her first case and try to tempt the shit out of some clueless ass.

Abby hired the firm because she suspected that her fiance Brandon, the lead singer in a nu-metal/rap band and promising MMA fighter, might be susceptible to the sensual advances of a comely vixen. Xanadu contacted Brandon and set up a private MMA tutoring session in which she would ply her wares to the unsuspecting doucher.

While running around the octagon in the dojo, Xanadu managed to completely botch the entire sting. Her best move was when she asked the dude if he wanted to get a coffee. She said nothing while he was leaning over her stretching her supple hamstrings.

Sandra was not pleased with Xanadu's performance and told her so over tea in their Phoenix home. Xanadu did not take it well and when she began to cry, said that she wasn't crying and that it was "stupid."

Sandra brought in Kelli, another decoy she has used on numerous occasions. Kelli posed as a rock journalist and interviewed Brandon after his show at a shitty sports bar. Brandon totally fell for this crap and started making out with the girl, then Abby came storming in. In true guy fashion, Brandon turned it around on Abby and screamed at her for embarrassing him in front of his "fans." Sandra kept talking shit to him and Brandon was getting violent. He was throwing wild, weak-ass punches and then hauled ass out of the parking lot in his Saturn while flipping the bird. Classy.

The post-sting wrap-up had Sandra calling Abby to see how things are. This may come as a shock to you, but Abby and Brandon are still together. According to Abby he is "totally changed" as evidence by his sharing of his MySpace page password. That's true love if you ask me.

The family decided to celebrate the successful case (and the clearing of Abby's check) with a night out for karaoke. Sandra was dressed to the nines in a metallic silver dress that looked as sexy as it sounds. When she got up for her turn at the mic, she stopped to tell her daughter Xanadu that she was proud of her despite her utter failure. The two then sang a God-awful, tone-deaf rendition of "Amazing Grace."

Mostly absent from this episode where Sandra's two other daughters, Kashmir and Jasmine. Kashmir, the oldest is a little bit shy and is working her way into the family business as a decoy. She also works nights as a topless dancer. Jasmine is the go-to decoy and is quickly making a name for herself. She could be the best in the business, or, according to the Fox Reality Channel website, she could continue her downward spiral into the Phoenix club scene. Gasp!

Also along for the ride is Tom, Sandra's boyfriend and co-worker. Apparently, the girls think he is the cause of everyone of Sandra's problems. I smell some upcoming conflict!

While none of the daughters are super-attractive, they are just trashy enough that I would totally bite the bait and kick some verbal milk. They pop their boobies out a lot too, so you can see how it would be an uphill battle for me. Kashmir has some big ears, but she makes up for it with the Great Equalizer, big tits. She also has a big round booty. Jasmine basically just looks like she wants to use your body as a jungle gym so I can see how she would be good at this job.

For any future girlfriends or wives who may be out there in the ether reading this I have this to say: Don't even go here. I will bang the decoy on principal and then blame you for my indiscretion. If reality TV has taught me anything, its that you can totally get away with this kind of shit, even if you're caught on camera.

In summation, this show is shit like most others but its still fun. It was either this or the History Channel and I can only watch the special about Hitler's secret cities so many times. I think everyone should check it out at least once. Its like a train wreck. You can't turn away no matter how much you would like to.

From left: Tom, the live-in boyfriend; Jasmine, Sandra's top decoy; Sandra (duh!); Xanadu, the up-and-comer; and Kashmir, the shy stripper

Black Dynamite

Today, my main doo-doo stain, Brian reminded me how much I was looking forward to this film. Its like Dolemite time infinity.

Black Dynamite was recently a selection at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, so you know that all the pretentious hipster filmmakers were loving this. I can't fault them for it. This could be the single greatest film of our time. 

I know I sent this out to a bunch of people already, but I'm sure some ignored the e-mails for God only knows why. In any event, here is the trailer hyping it up for Sundance. Watch it. Love it.

Also, check out the shirts available at the film's website.

I'm really excited for this movie.

QUICK UPDATE:  Here is the first trailer that made me fall in love with the film. It doesn't show as much jive-ass action as the other one but I think you'll agree, the narration is better.

Black Dynamite Redband Trailer
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Dayad! DJ!

Is this Kendra or Candace Cameron? 

You be the judge.