Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: In Which I Kick Ass in Trivia

We have a doozy today. 

For those who want to know how the sausage is made, I usually get e-mails from my sister where she tells me about the bizarre shit that inhabits her subconscious mind. I then promptly put them on the blog. And that, my friends, is how science works for you.

Anyways, this little gem came to me with the subject line "WTF Dream." It's the most appropriate subject line she could have gone with. A small part of me is glad that the dream disturbed her enough that she couldn't fall back asleep. No one should be allowed to rest easy after conjuring up something like this.

Alrighty so I had a very disturbing dream which woke me up a little after 5 and then I was just awake for awhile.

I was in Dot's house with my friend Leah. I had this very weird feeling of a presence, kinda like how we used to feel in Uncle Joe's creepy house. Leah was going upstairs to get ready for bed and then I freaked out, I was like, "I don't want to stay down here by myself!!" and ran after her. We were up in the attic like bedroom where we were going to stay and Pop Vic kept making runs up and down the stairs bringing towels, etc. Then he was like, "Be careful, people broke in here to look at our internet the other week." I was like, "What are you talking about?" And he was like, "The neighbors, they were in here, on our computer looking on wikipedia." I was trying to look at Leah and be like, "Don't worry- they are a lil' nuts, no one broke in."

As he was making another trek up the stairs he was totally winded. I was like, "Pop, why don't you rest. I'll do the running up and down the stairs." So he sat on this corner step and was mumbling some stuff that wasn't audible. Then he was tearing up and was like, "I shouldn't have to wash socks five... six times a week." As I was looking at him, he looked more like Dad, but had a wavy afro. He went downstairs I guess and Leah came out of the bathroom. She had on a tank and underwear but it looked like she was naked. I was like, "You need to put on more clothes!!"

So we go down and Grandma is coming in off of the porch (and there is a big bar outside with lots of people). She has a zip up hoodie on and is like, "Man, Matt and Greg are like one trivia question off from winning $5,000."

Then I woke up and I was creeped out, so I had a really hard time falling asleep again. I felt like someone was touching me, then I was convinced something was in my room.

That last sentence may seem ominous and paranormal since we are entering the autumn months and are only a few short weeks away from All Hallow's Eve, but I wouldn't worry about it. I bet a drifter just broke is and was watching her sleep. Nothing to get worked up over.

R.I.P. Bubba Smith

It was announced today that former Baltimore Colt and actor Bubba Smith was found dead in his home in Los Angeles today. Bubba would receive valuable blog space even if he had only been a Baltimore Colt, but he did it way better starring in the Police Academy series (which are awesome... don't let anyone tell you otherwise) as well as appearing in ads for local law firm Cohen, Snyder, Eisenberg & Katzenberg.

I will always remember him as Lt. Moses Hightower, cohort of Police Academy ne'er-do-well Carey Mahoney (played by Steve Guttenberg). Even when Guttenberg left the franchise after the fourth movie, Smith shouldered on lending his quiet demeanor to the successive films.

Bubba was also a great pitch man, starring in what might have been some of the very first humorous beer commercials, pre-Spuds McKenzie.

He will be missed.

I'm Still Here. I Promise.

Hola, gang! Sorry I haven't rapped at you in a while. I know it would take a monumental explanation to really make up for my absence. The good news is I have one.

A few months ago, I saw my sensei murdered in cold blood by one of my fellow students. This guy was pissed because he taught me all of the secret arts instead of him and decided to blame the sensei rather than just accepting that maybe he wasn't as good of a student as he thought he was. In my shame and grief I took a vow of silence until I was able to avenge my teacher.

I traveled the world searching for him. I trekked through the Himalayas, slept in volcanoes, explored lost cities in South America and then forged a sword from the molten core of a fallen star. Still I could not find him. Then one day I was at a CVS here in Glen Burnie (picking up a Whatchamacallit and Arizona Iced Tea) and there he was right in front of me. What the shit?!

So I dropped my treats and ran outside to my car where I had my star-sword sitting in the passenger seat and I waited to pounce. Bing bang boom, I cut off his head and ate his heart taking his strength and essence into me.

Anywho, here I am. Your humble blogger, bowed in supplication.As a sign of good faith, please enjoy this video.

Watch out, puppies! Killer baby!

Happy America Day!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We won!

If anyone needs me, I will be hanging out in my front yard grilling hot dogs and drinking Budweiser.

The Greatest Speech Ever Spoken

You tell 'em, you magnificent bastard.

If you watch this video today and do not run out and make your dreams happen then you aren't fit to draw breath. This man started out as a small boy from Mississippi and he worked hard (with a little help from his loving wife) until he achieved his dream of owning cowboy monkeys that ride dogs.

God bless you, sir. You are an inspiration to us all.

Seriously though. Why didn't this guy ever come to talk at my school? I think its important for kids to learn that even if your dream is really, really stupid, you can still achieve it and get paid to do what you love. Is there anything more American than that?

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: The Prince Edition

So I thought I might offer up my own dream. Apparently Kendra is not the only one in the family with an odd subconscious. I think I have an excuse. I took a double dose of 10 mg melatonin before bed when I had this dream so it's a reasonable assumption that my brain chemistry was changed for the evening. What followed was a disturbing look into my pop-culture laden psyche. It was also a pretty star-studded affair with guest appearances by two classic TV stars from the '80s and a recent Oscar nominee.

I swear this is all real.

I was going to some weird warehouse building that was filled with people. There was this house on the outside that was inhabited by rednecks and we were heading there. I was with the actor John Fawkes who was Kenny Powers' brother and we went to this house and had the redneck family come out. There was a weird stage set up and I walked up and placed and miniature train car on these tracks that were there. I had come to this people's house to show them that I had shrunk down Patrick Duffy from Step by Step and Dallas and put him in the train car. I asked one of them for a car battery thinking that if we shocked him he would dance. Then a huge crowd formed to see him. Everyone was watching and then Lynda Carter (who played Wonder Woman on TV) came up and grabbed Patrick Duffy and threw him into the crowd. I screamed "What have you done? He's as good as dead!" Then John Fawkes and I started to run because we didn't want to get in trouble for his death. As we were turning the corner we saw that Patrick Duffy was OK and full-sized in a turquoise sport coat and he was coming back in to see who was responsible for everything. He was pissed. So John Fawkes and I dropped to the dirt to stay out of sight. Then I woke up.

Right when I woke up from this absurdist theater show, I sat up in bed and actually said out loud "What the fuck?"

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Greg Nice Makes a Cameo

So baby sister's subconscience is at it again. This time, my friend and associate Greg Nice made a cameo along with his illegitimate sisters. Who are soley the product of my sister's twisted dreamscape, I should add. I don't think there are any skeletons of this nature in the family closet. I can't be certain but I would stake my spotless reputation on it. Anywho, enjoy!

I had a dream last night with a cameo of Greg [Nice] all up in it!

I'm not sure if this was apart of the dream, but Matt, we first started out at the mall with the Kemps. The girls were waiting in line to go the bathroom and Dawn and Buzz just started walking away and was like, "Ehhhh whatever. They'll be fine." I didn't want to leave them so I remember staying and waiting for them.

The next thing I remember, I was on the road turning onto RT 1 and there were like 4 hippies sitting in the middle of the road on those pop out camping chairs. I remember driving past them and I saw they were drinking coffee and had small signs so I figured they were protesting something.

Fast forward to me somehow being in a hotel room, I open the door an am bombarded by those four hippie chicks. They were all pretty unattractive- bad makeup, very plain, looked like those feminist girls from the PCU movie. They all start screaming and are all loud demanding if I know Greg, etc. I was actually on my way to meet the two of you in a bar.

They were like, "He's a whore!" And I said, "Who? Greg is a whore?" And they replied, "No, his dad. We are all his daughters!" Point of that being- your father had a lot of illegitimate, unattractive daughters. They were super fired up so I remember just F-ing with them. The one was all screaming in my face and I was like, "You are cute. C'mere and give me a kiss."

Your sisters continued to follow me down the hall shouting and I entered the bar to meet you guys which was definitely like a Jillians/Dave and Busters type of bar. I saw you guys at the table and I was just kind of chuckling because I had this yelling entourage following me. At this point Greggy, your face went completely white. The sisters saw Greg and started in on him and Matt, you said to me, "Oh great- everyone is all excited because they think it's about to get all ghetto up in here." The entire bar thought there was going to be a massive throw down.

So the real question- were they protesting your father in the middle of the road right near Rt. 1? Keep your family drama outta my dreams.
 
Amen, sister.