Here Thar Be Monsters!

One of the best – and worst – shows currently airing on cable has got to be MonsterQuest. Its great because, as you may have guessed, each episode deals with the search for one monster or another. Past subjects have included old cryptozoological standbys as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster (the sea serpent, not the roller coaster), the New Jersey Devil (maybe the only good thing to come out of Jersey) and a ton of other creepy things that may or may not exist.

Each show enlists guides, trappers, explorers, scientists and others to the cause and they canvas the suspected areas in search for their elusive prey. They show is notable for having never found any monsters whatsoever. Despite this alarming trend, I watch each episode convinced that this will be the one where they totally catch a Sasquatch or werewolf on camera. I even get excited when the cut to commercial right as someone on the expedition yells “What’s that!” and we hear a rustling in the bushes. It always turns out to be a deer or chipmunk in the end and I am left disappointed. You’d think I would have learned by now, but then again I’m not that bright.

One of the issues the series is dealing with now is the lack of good monsters to quest after. Pickings are getting slim. One episode was spent looking for big dogs. Then another went after big cats that were running wild in America. It turned out to be jaguars sneaking across the borders from Mexico. Damn illegal aliens.

Then they went on the hunt for Hogzilla, the really huge-ass pig that’s already dead. The show wanted to see if 700 lb. mega hogs are legit and running wild in the Southeastern U.S. They didn’t find one of these guys either but I suspect the locals just BBQ them up. I wouldn’t mind getting a little bit of that South in my mouth.

The best show in recent memory detailed a search for vampire evidence in Rhode Island. They ended up researching the Mercy Brown case, which was fun because it dealt with actual monsters even though they found none.

They should stick to that. I think they should do an episode where they hunt for Blaculas. That would be fun. They could interview William Marshall (aka The King of Cartoons) as well as Eddie Murphy and Wesley Snipes to see how they were able to inhabit the character of the Blacula.

They would also be doing the people a service if they went on the hunt for Bunniculas. The last thing we need is vampire bunnies draining our vegetables of their juice. I would tune in if the crew spent the evening in a vegetable garden with a bunch of tiny wooden stakes. It would be adorable if they caught one.

Also, the crew is more than welcome to use the homestead in Severn as a staging area for an investigation of Maryland Bigfoots. That would be a fantastic episode, especially with the history of Sasquatch activity in the general Arundel Mills-area. (For the uninitiated click here.) Most people mock the idea of a Maryland-based Sasquatch but I think its because its just too real for them.

In summation, there is probably no such thing as monsters. At least not on this show. Its a small consolation that this show seems more professional than UFO Hunters, which ascends to grand new heights of crackers thanks to the guys huntin' for the truth.