The Greatest Show I Didn't Know Existed: My Monkey Baby

Should have sent... a poet!

So I was perusing the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, my portal to all things pop culture and worldly, when I came across a shocking little tidbit in the What to Watch section. Since I already gave away the title of this train wreck, I'll get right to it.

The new series (in the U.S. anyway) My Monkey Baby premieres Sunday, October 4th at 9 p.m. on TLC and follows a young monkey named Jessica Marie and her nutty fucking "parents" who happen to treat her like a real baby. She has a pretty pink bedroom and all the latest toys.

As you can imagine, I am beyond excited for this show to come home to American soil. The British ran with this and for that I am forever grateful, but its time to come home, My Monkey Baby. For a long time, I've felt an emptiness in the middle of my soul and I feel like this could finally fill it.

Now I know some people will piss and moan about this show and how these people should not be doing what they are doing, but to hell with that. If you aren't hurting anyone and it makes you happy, just do it and shut up about it. Its your own stupid fault for starring in a damn TV show about how cracked you are.

I think its our obligation to watch shows like this that explore the fringes of society so that we can recognize when friends, family or even ourselves reach that razor's edge and, hopefully, pull everyone back to safety.

I would say that I don't plan to judge these people but we all know that's bullshit. I'm already judging them. But I don't care that they have monkey babies. I'm just glad they're letting me into their creepy lives to point and laugh.

Plus, I don't think there are too many readers out there that would not take a monkey if someone offered one to you. I think that would be the coolest. The only pets I would like better are a gorilla or grizzly bear, for obvious reasons.

If I did have a monkey I would not name it Jessica Marie or Silly Willy and it would not wear dresses and make-up. It would have a totally sick tree house to sleep in with awesome ropes to climb and swing from, and would probably hang out on my shoulder all the time. I would also teach it to pick pockets.

As far as names go, I'm leaning towards Colonel Edward James Bananas for a boy and Lady Jane Elizabeth Bananas for a girl.

So here is the deal. I can't embed videos of this show for some ungodly reason (why don't you want me to share this with the world?), but I implore you to click the links and see this sideshow for yourself. You will not be disappointed. Highlights include Jessie mowing the lawn with "Daddy" and getting her nails filed with "Mommy." Then there is Silly Willy and his stay-at-home "Mom."

Click here and here to have your life changed. Maybe not for the better.