Did Anyone Know this Show Existed?

It's called Mall Cops: Mall of America and it airs on TLC, which is quickly becoming a network where you don't actually go to learn anything. There used to be informative programming on TLC but now its just families with 400 kids and little people. There is even a show called The Little Chocolatiers, which details the lives of a married couple that make exquisite chocolates and suffer from dwarfism. No shit.

I can only assume that this new show was commissioned to cash in on the success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop and the much darker Observe and Report. I'm not sure which high-powered Hollywood mogul was sitting around wondering what its like to be a mall security guard and decided to produce a television series about it, but he should probably be fired.

I liked it when reality shows showed me the unseen side of jobs that I know I could never have like the SWAT team or the crabbers of Deadliest Catch. Shows like that are exciting and gave me a glimpse into a world of badassery that my soft pud will never ever know. I can just hang out at the mall if I want to know about this stuff.

Then again, I've never wanted to go to Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas, but am riveted by the reality show where they go behind the scenes at Douchebag Mecca.

In any event, this show exists and I am sure I will check it out at one point or another. As this little video shows, it can't be all bad. Also, on the TLC site, they have a longer video where the security operatives wrestle the drunk Russian out of the public eye and he promptly shits his pants. Good stuff!

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Creepy Child Robot

So my initial reaction to this was a very understandable "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

This child robot seems a little too needy and it looks like it was trying to eat that one young lady's lady parts. I'm surprised that the AI installed on the android does not realize how inappropriate that really is. Or maybe the AI knows exactly what it is doing and is attempting to obliterate the human species one womb at a time. All the chasing is a bit much too.

Finally, it looks like it has a patchwork face (ie it was sewn from pieces of other human faces), which just completes the entire eerie package. I believe I will pass on the child robot in favor of my pet kung-fu bear.

Just Another Day at the Office...

The crazy thing is, I did this exact thing just the other night! I didn't run into as much trouble jumping my dirtbike through the cardboard walls, but there was considerably more mess when I bazookaed the snake from three feet away.

That's what I get for not bringing my katana blade. Flipping off the bike and beheading the snake in one fluid motion would have been a more elegant solution but I'm of the opinion that you blame the artist, not his tools.

Oh well. All in a day's work for your resident super-stud, The Prince of Dundalk. You can probably smell my machismo seeping from your computer screen right now.

Also, I definitely saw that chick naked on Cinemax. Like multiple times.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kung Fu Bear

Since I love bears an awful lot, this guy made the cut. If I could choose any animal as a pet, it would be this guy. He wouldn't be a pet so much as my constant companion and partner against the forces of evil.

Our TV show would be a combo of BJ and the Bear and The Legend of Kung Fu. Oh yeah. Throw some CSI and The Mentalist into the mix because I am fascinated by the investigary sciences.

This bear is bad as shit. He reminds me of Kuma from Tekken. Who in the world wouldn't want a bear that knows martial arts? No friend of mine, that's for sure.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Teen Wolves in San Antonio

Whoops! Sorry to get your hopes up. We're not talking about the Howards or some other awesome werewolves. We're talking about these douchers.

Where to begin? I guess the first thing I will say is that watching a video like this is a wonderful way to gauge how old you are. If it pisses you off, then you are old. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I like that the one kid tells us that they are "not to be feared." Thanks for the tip. I was about to start melting down the flatware to make silver bullets but I guess I can hold off on that. According to them I should be more concerned with the "poser" gangs. People still use that word? I'm not concerned with either of them, really. I just don't want to have to see them when I go to the mall.

I understand that adolescence is a tough time for kids and that they need to feel like they belong to something. I'm not heartless. I just think its kind of odd that kids will talk about trying to be themselves when they are busy pretending to be something they are not. I'm a firm believer in being comfortable in your own skin. You shouldn't need to throw on a wolf's hide to feel good about yourself. Plus they look dumb with those raccoon tails and contact lenses.

Now ultimately I don't care what they do with themselves, but whenever I see something like this I immediately think about whether I would want my kids to do. Can you guess my answer to this one?

If I end up with a son that is fixated on werewolves, fine. If he were to happen to wake up naked in a field, covered in blood then good for him. He knows how to party! And if he wants to look the part then go for it. But be a cool looking Teen Wolf, not this crap we're seeing. The werewolves in Underworld were pretty bad ass. They were a bunch of big, swoll dudes with body hair and beards. They were always hanging out in sewers and fighting vampires. That's much better than hanging out at the mall and hassling the security guards.

Plus, what kind of shitty werewolf names are Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus or Wolfy Blackheart? That's just super-lame. Pick something bad ass like Thorfinn Grimfang or my old pseudonym, Rock DangerWolf. You need something with a little zazz.

I bet they try and draw a lot of attention to themselves by howling and growlin but then say that they are just trying to be themselves and want to be left alone when people finally look their way. Have fun at the prom you all decide to hold in the graveyard. I'm sure that will be a blast.

I hate teenagers.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Habitué

Today's word is one that should make you look totally smart and shit at your next cocktail party. It is habitué and it means "One who frequents a particular place, especially a place offering a specific pleasurable activity."

If I were to use it in a sentence as an example I might say something like "My friend Smooth B is a habitué of the local gentlemen's clubs as well as middle school parking lots." I might say something like that, but I won't because its kind of rude.

Mostly I wanted to share this word so I could also share the example given in the e-mail. This comes from an article on BusinessWorld Online.

"Knicks habitués, for example, were beside themselves when erstwhile James disciples turned on him in light of his subpar numbers; they prayed that the unwarranted knee-jerk reaction would make the King abandon any plans of re-upping with the Cavaliers and instead look Gothamward for his new home."

I think that was about basketball, but I'm still not sure. It could also have something to do with parliamentary procedure or might even be a recipe for a lovely salad nicoise. I'm still working it out.

In any event, nice job guy. That's why you're writing sports stories for BusinessWorld Online and not Sports Illustrated. Keep up that pretty talk and they might hire you on at Slate.

Guy Builds Crazy Complicated War Machine Suit for Geek Festival

So my initial reaction to things like this is "Wow. That's geeky even for me."

Then I stop and think. This is basically just living out a childhood fantasy when you have the means to do it. How bad did I want Iron Man armor when I was 10 years old? Would I have killed for a utility belt or web-shooters back then? The answer to these and other similar questions is "A lot." and "YES!"

Hell, look at the picture I have of me on the site. I wore the reversible Superman/Batman cape (purchased at the Heritage Fair in Dundalk!) all the damn time. Sometimes without underwear as you can clearly see. To this day I still have more Nerf toys than a grown man my age should have.

So kudos to you, guy. You built a pretty cool suit of armor. All the shit moves and lights up and that is swell. I just probably wouldn't have worn it out of the house.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: '80s Bullies Montage

This video brings back memories.

Back in the day I was a bit of a geek. It all culminated in this karate tournament where my rival sweeped my leg. But as I fell to the ground I underwent a startling transformation and discovered that I was from a family of werewolves. After that I was super-popular because I paid this girl to be my girlfriend and could always get beer for parties by making my eyes go red and saying "Give Me. A Keg. Of Beer." in a deep scary voice to the guy at the liquor store. Then my good friend opened up his shirt one day and showed me her big, perfect boobs! Whaaaaaaa?That was a crazy week.

Also, in high school Coach John Goodman used to get us pumped for lacrosse games by having us sit in the locker room and scream "NERDS!" It worked like a charm. I actually impaled a guy through the heart during a tournament once.

Also also, it's a real shame that this awesome montage couldn't get an '80's movie style montage song to go along with it.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Yogi Yokey Dokey

So this is weird. I think this guy's name is Yogi Yokey Dokey or some shit like that. He's kind of creepy but I can get around that. He also has a 7-foot-tall rastafarian chicken as a co-host, which I actually dig. I'm also not upset by his choice of outfits, which seems to lean towards henleys and tight jeans.

I really can't get behind his weird, squatting, open-legged child hugs. They look too creepy for words, though are still not as bad as that dirty Canadian children's show host who kept trying to force little girls to kiss him. It also bears mentioning that this guy really doesn't know how to deal with kids. I'm not sure what the hell he meant when he took the "tomato" from the girl's armpit. Was he talking about a titty or something?

He should probably not adjust the kids' yoga poses either. Adjusting the hips of a child with its crotch jutting into the air reeks of State's Evidence. Even so, I don't feel like I need to take a shower or anything, which was definitely the case with that other video I posted.

I do think its pretty righteous that the big ass chicken gets to chant down Babylon with a new breed of Jah soldiers on TV. I just really hope he calls one of the kids a bomba clot on air.

Bert and Ernie Ante Up

This reminds me of Friday afternoons in college. My buddies and I found that DMX music worked really well when played along with Barney videos.

We had a lot of free time on our hands. We had a lot of beer on our hands too.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Canadian Porn Ads

I really appreciate the honesty of these ads. The delivery isn't bad either.

For what it's worth, I don't believe any of the girls in the commercials are actual porn actresses. I could be wrong though. I don't think the cable porn is all that sexy (read: explicit) anyway.

Also, I will neither confirm nor deny, but one of your favorite bloggers might own the same Nerf longsword featured in the commercial. You never know when you might have to kill a pretend orc while walking around the house. Just sayin'.

7-Year-Olds Destroy "Single Ladies"

First off, these little girls KILL this dance number. They've got loads of swagger for such a young age and for that I commend them. Get yours, ladies.

Now, would I let my daughter step onto a stage dressed like that? Not a fucking chance.

U.S. Military's Smart Gun is Awesome as Shit

Now I'm not a violent man at all. I don't care for real-life violence and I think war is mostly unnecessary. If you wanted to put a label on it, I'm probably a pacifist by nature.

But I am also a boy and boys like awesome shit that blows up! I grew up playing G.I. Joe and thinking that being a Navy SEAL might be the coolest job in the world (next to vampire hunter, of course), so you can hopefully forgive (and maybe sympathize with) my excitement over this video.

The new smart gun basically fires rounds with microchips in them that will allow the user to detonate and fragment the round based on the distance they program into the gun. One of the examples I heard was shooting through a window and blowing the round to take out a gunman hiding behind a wall.

Sick. I think Sgt. Slaughter just pissed himself. That's like the stuff they were using in Eraser with Arnie. Pretty soon we'll have Iron Man armor and Terminators defending the country. I feel like I'm living in a sci-fi movie.

So check out the clip for some rad war-mongering fun. I promise to lighten things up with a dick joke or something real soon.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Techno Dog Breaks You Off Some

If its a video with an animal doing something stupid or acting like it thinks it's people then it has a home on my blog.

I like this little guy despite the fact that he appears to be some sort of feral dog in a former Eastern Bloc republic. He's found his groove and he don't give a damn what you think. I hope someone gives him some glow sticks.

The Latest Poll is Closed

So I asked you guys if farts were ruining your relationships and gave several options, mostly to gauge fan interest in a Prince of Dundalk themed Better Marriage Blanket, but it seems as though the majority of your relationships are not in jeopardy thanks to the offensive odor.

The winning response, with 100% of the vote, was "No. Girls don't fart or poop."

I knew it! I've been saying this for years. Poop and farts are a guy only kind of thing. Girls only burp at times when its absolutely adorable. They sometimes pee, too. Even that can be pretty cute.

I'm glad we're all learning and growing together.

COLD STEEL!

So this is bad ass! My first thought after watching this video (and I had quite a few thoughts) was "Is this place hiring?" I would love to be the on-air talent for Cold Steel. I can't decide if I would rather be one of the silent dudes in the black polos that show up and wreck shit with the sword or the dude in the shirt and tie that gets to talk to the audience but also cut loose on meat-filled boots and pig carcasses. Decisions, decisions.

In all seriousness, I think it would be really great to work at a company where you probably get a promotion for coming up with the idea of filling empty two-liter bottles with colored liquid for sweet slo-mo shots. I'd also like to work closely with the man who dreamed up the idea of hacking a pig head to bits while it is tied to a stake. I could learn a lot from someone like that.

My favorite quote from the video is probably this: "Carrying a big dagger to match your sword is always a good idea." My friend Aragorn was just saying this exact thing the other day and I couldn't agree more.

True story. One day I was battling the Visigoths with some buddies of mine and I ran a guy through with my sword and it got stuck! WTF? I kept trying to yank it out but it was lodged in some bone or something. The next thing you know, this giant guy with a battle axe comes running up and I've got no weapon. I had to take of my Viking helmet and beat the guy to death with that! If I'd sprung for the the matching dagger, it would have gone much smoother and I wouldn't have to find new horns for my helmet. Lesson learned.

Also, I feel that this tidbit from the YouTube page is very important to know. "Meats utilized in this video was carefully preserved and donated to the Ventura County Rescue Mission."

How nice. Enjoy your boot meat, hobos! I hope you don't mind your ham steak being carved up with a fucking broadsword.

Inception Trailer

I was thinking of the best way to write up this movie trailer without coming across as some Christopher Nolan superfan, but then I asked myself "What's not to like about his movies?"

Memento. Check.

Insomnia. Also a check.

Batman Begins. Yes, please!

The Dark Knight. Do I need to even say it?

Nolan is arguably one of the best moviemakers out there right now and his newest, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page, looks like a worthy entry to his catalog. I could go on and on about his noir sensibilities and how they mix with the surreal concepts he offers, but I'll sound like a total doucher. Just watch the trailer.

I think this movie will be one of the surprise (maybe not that surprising, all things considered) hits of the summer. I know I will be checking it out.

Happy Mother's Day!

In honor of all the wonderful women who brought us kicking and screaming into this world, I offer this lovely video featuring Mr. T in the tiniest camo athletic shorts ever created on the Earth.

I like how Mr. T always takes stands on very simple things. Most celebrities get real political and want me to save whales or free Tibet, but not T. He wants me to stay in school, drink milk and treat my mother right. I think if we followed those little rules (and by extension, Mr. T's lead) the rest would fall into place.

Even though it is Mother's Day I have to call out the back-up dancer Mom on the far left. She was a step off with the choreography and it almost ruined my enjoyment of the Mr. T's epic flow. Thankfully, his science was too tight to let that crazy mom screw up the whole song.

I'd also like to send a shout-out to the girl who couldn't pass her driving test in Summer School starring Mark Harmon. Thanks for telling me to "Be somebody!" I'll get right on that.

Move Your Boogie Body

Almost every day people come up to me and ask how I stay in such fantastic shape. Its not easy I tell them. It takes hard work and dedication to have the lean, mean body of a panther.

Well now I'm revealing my secret. Do this work out every morning and you too will be hot sex on two legs.

(Fun Hint: The audio is in stereo so if you can listen along with earbuds, pull the right bud out of your ear to just listen to the insane women scream and clap with no music.)

Betty White Hosts SNL This Weekend

If there is a better reason to stay in this Saturday evening then I can't think of it.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Buckeye Babes!

This video had me giggling for the full 3:47 so I had to share it. I just know some dude came up with this is the hopes that the college radio station in Columbus would play this song every Friday night and that he would be the recipient of copious amounts of trim as a result. I can't imagine that things worked out that way for him. But you get an "A" for effort buddy!

I would have loved to see one of these from when I was in college. It probably would have had music from some shitty Dave Matthews Band knock-off or a wack SoCal Third Wave ska band.

"Loyola Ladies" definitely would not have had as many perms and teased-out bangs in it. And honestly, my college experience is probably a little less rich as a result of that unfortunate fact.

There is A New Poll Up

It seems as though no one votes unless I point it out so here it is.

Look to the right and vote.

I was curious about whether or not farts are troubling the relationships of my readers. Let me know!

"NUDE TAYNE."

I was a little hesitant to post this video because it makes a very definitive statement about how weird my sense of humor gets, but then I said to hell with it.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! is probably one of the strangest shows on TV, which is why I like it so much. The episode that the above clip was featured in was a Holiday-themed episode in which, the hosts began lactating and gave their man-milk as gifts to their friends. That should give you an idea of who you are working with.

I figure if I'm going to reveal myself as a fan of the show, this is the clip to use as it might actually keep some of you around. Its basically Paul Rudd acting and dancing weird. Since Paul is so dreamy, it just comes across as adorable.

Tim and Eric is weirder than 99.9% of the other shows you will run into, but that is part of the charm. These guys go all-out with their brand of humor and have found their unique voice. If you like absurdist humor then I highly recommend the show.

Intervention Does It Again

My sister sent me this video clip in a link to another site. But since I hate the other site, I refuse to admit that I stole the clip from them. Lets just pretend that we all stumbled across this on our own. No one needs to be the wiser. Anywho...

My love for the show Intervention is well-documented, I believe. Its a great way to see how the other half lives, so to speak. More often then not, I am moved by what I see. Other times, the show makes me ROFLMAO to the extreme. The girl who used to huff compressed air in the graveyard and yelled "I'm walking on sunshine" comes to mind.

Now we have this. It doesn't need any set-up and probably doesn't need any kind of wrap-up either.

Am I a bad person for thinking this is funny? Probably. But I'm OK with that.

At least I didn't autotune it.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Better Marriage Blanket

The Better Marriage Blanket is apparently a real product. It seems like total BS, but I could see this saving some marriages. It uses science and space alien technology to take all the funkiness from dinner's tasty bean burrito and completely obliterate it.

The dreaded (but mostly hilarious) Dutch Oven will be a thing of the past!

What I'm curious about is the blanket itself. If one were to use said blanket for several months, you have to imagine that it might get a tad rank. Does the blanket itself start to stink? Does the space-age core eradicate the smell or just store it? If you were to open the blanket and take out the core, could it be weaponized into a homemade dirty bomb? These are all questions I hope someone gets to the bottom of. I can't really be bothered. It is a blanket that was designed for farts after all.

I will tell you this. I plan to gift every new girlfriend with one of these if it ever looks like she plans on letting me touch her. In fact, I'm even thinking of buying the blankets in bulk and making all my clothes out of the material. It just may save a life.

Click here to buy your own and potentially save a relationship.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Sesquipedalianism

This word of the day is just a pretentious pain in the ass. There is really no other way of putting it.

Sesquipedalianism means "given to using long words" or "(Of a word) containing many syllables."

Really? You needed to create a long word to explain away people that use long words? I've got the perfect word for just such an occasion: assholes.

Granted, I myself am probably guilty of sesquipedalianism, but not to such an extent. I (thankfully) didn't know this word existed until I saw it in the e-mail. Also, I can't look at the word without thinking about the irony involved. And that, dear readers, is why I am better than the tools that would actually use a word like that in a real sentence.

This is another word that reeks of Slate.com's magniloquent influence.

Oh shit. I did it again, didn't I?