Blatant Video Theft Corner: Bigfoot in NC!

If you've been with me for a while then you probably know that I love a good Bigfoot story. Most of them are complete bullshit. You might even argue that all of the stories are total bullshit since there is no concrete evidence that Bigfeet and their creature cousins even exist. But I've always said absence of proof is not proof of absence. Besides where is the fun in being anti-Bigfoot?

In any event, the second this video started I knew it would have a home here. In fact, I knew I wanted to follow this story last week when I saw the man's quote in my morning paper.

I love how the creature was 10-feet-tall with gorgeous blond hair. I like to think of a super-tall Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall when I picture the creature, only with six fingers on each hand. It certainly makes for a fun mental image.

I think my favorite part of the video has to be the cop. He really does not want to be doing the TV interview and it shows. I guess I can't blame him though. How many times has he be called out to the Sticks because some hillbilly drank too much shine and dynamited his foot or drownt his dog in the wash tub? You'd like to think that a Bigfoot siting might break up the day a bit, but it looks like our fearless public servant is far too jaded for that.

The most important role this video plays is as a public service message to the good people of Cleveland County in North Carolina. If you encounter a monster with beautiful hair just rough talk it a bit and it won't eat your dogs.

"Git! Git!"

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Amateur Weatherman (?) Predicts Huge Cali Earthquake

Well that was an afternoon well spent my friend. I'm not one to make fun of the mentally deficient or anything like that so I'll... ah hell I couldn't even make it through the sentence.

I actually don't think there is anything wrong with this guy's mental facilities. I think he might just need to feel the touch of a woman. It's amazing how that effects your mind and makes you get your shit together. Girls are the sole reason teenage boys get jobs. Really. That's it.

If the lady situation is not happening organically then maybe its time for Dad to step in and hire a professional. Do I think all fathers should hire prostitutes to help make their weird, shy sons normal? No. That's crazy talk. But in this guy's case it probably couldn't hurt.

Until that day, my friend, keep the reports coming. California and the surrounding states are much safer thanks to your diligence.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Creepy Child Robot

So my initial reaction to this was a very understandable "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

This child robot seems a little too needy and it looks like it was trying to eat that one young lady's lady parts. I'm surprised that the AI installed on the android does not realize how inappropriate that really is. Or maybe the AI knows exactly what it is doing and is attempting to obliterate the human species one womb at a time. All the chasing is a bit much too.

Finally, it looks like it has a patchwork face (ie it was sewn from pieces of other human faces), which just completes the entire eerie package. I believe I will pass on the child robot in favor of my pet kung-fu bear.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kung Fu Bear

Since I love bears an awful lot, this guy made the cut. If I could choose any animal as a pet, it would be this guy. He wouldn't be a pet so much as my constant companion and partner against the forces of evil.

Our TV show would be a combo of BJ and the Bear and The Legend of Kung Fu. Oh yeah. Throw some CSI and The Mentalist into the mix because I am fascinated by the investigary sciences.

This bear is bad as shit. He reminds me of Kuma from Tekken. Who in the world wouldn't want a bear that knows martial arts? No friend of mine, that's for sure.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Teen Wolves in San Antonio

Whoops! Sorry to get your hopes up. We're not talking about the Howards or some other awesome werewolves. We're talking about these douchers.

Where to begin? I guess the first thing I will say is that watching a video like this is a wonderful way to gauge how old you are. If it pisses you off, then you are old. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I like that the one kid tells us that they are "not to be feared." Thanks for the tip. I was about to start melting down the flatware to make silver bullets but I guess I can hold off on that. According to them I should be more concerned with the "poser" gangs. People still use that word? I'm not concerned with either of them, really. I just don't want to have to see them when I go to the mall.

I understand that adolescence is a tough time for kids and that they need to feel like they belong to something. I'm not heartless. I just think its kind of odd that kids will talk about trying to be themselves when they are busy pretending to be something they are not. I'm a firm believer in being comfortable in your own skin. You shouldn't need to throw on a wolf's hide to feel good about yourself. Plus they look dumb with those raccoon tails and contact lenses.

Now ultimately I don't care what they do with themselves, but whenever I see something like this I immediately think about whether I would want my kids to do. Can you guess my answer to this one?

If I end up with a son that is fixated on werewolves, fine. If he were to happen to wake up naked in a field, covered in blood then good for him. He knows how to party! And if he wants to look the part then go for it. But be a cool looking Teen Wolf, not this crap we're seeing. The werewolves in Underworld were pretty bad ass. They were a bunch of big, swoll dudes with body hair and beards. They were always hanging out in sewers and fighting vampires. That's much better than hanging out at the mall and hassling the security guards.

Plus, what kind of shitty werewolf names are Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus or Wolfy Blackheart? That's just super-lame. Pick something bad ass like Thorfinn Grimfang or my old pseudonym, Rock DangerWolf. You need something with a little zazz.

I bet they try and draw a lot of attention to themselves by howling and growlin but then say that they are just trying to be themselves and want to be left alone when people finally look their way. Have fun at the prom you all decide to hold in the graveyard. I'm sure that will be a blast.

I hate teenagers.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: '80s Bullies Montage

This video brings back memories.

Back in the day I was a bit of a geek. It all culminated in this karate tournament where my rival sweeped my leg. But as I fell to the ground I underwent a startling transformation and discovered that I was from a family of werewolves. After that I was super-popular because I paid this girl to be my girlfriend and could always get beer for parties by making my eyes go red and saying "Give Me. A Keg. Of Beer." in a deep scary voice to the guy at the liquor store. Then my good friend opened up his shirt one day and showed me her big, perfect boobs! Whaaaaaaa?That was a crazy week.

Also, in high school Coach John Goodman used to get us pumped for lacrosse games by having us sit in the locker room and scream "NERDS!" It worked like a charm. I actually impaled a guy through the heart during a tournament once.

Also also, it's a real shame that this awesome montage couldn't get an '80's movie style montage song to go along with it.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Yogi Yokey Dokey

So this is weird. I think this guy's name is Yogi Yokey Dokey or some shit like that. He's kind of creepy but I can get around that. He also has a 7-foot-tall rastafarian chicken as a co-host, which I actually dig. I'm also not upset by his choice of outfits, which seems to lean towards henleys and tight jeans.

I really can't get behind his weird, squatting, open-legged child hugs. They look too creepy for words, though are still not as bad as that dirty Canadian children's show host who kept trying to force little girls to kiss him. It also bears mentioning that this guy really doesn't know how to deal with kids. I'm not sure what the hell he meant when he took the "tomato" from the girl's armpit. Was he talking about a titty or something?

He should probably not adjust the kids' yoga poses either. Adjusting the hips of a child with its crotch jutting into the air reeks of State's Evidence. Even so, I don't feel like I need to take a shower or anything, which was definitely the case with that other video I posted.

I do think its pretty righteous that the big ass chicken gets to chant down Babylon with a new breed of Jah soldiers on TV. I just really hope he calls one of the kids a bomba clot on air.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Canadian Porn Ads

I really appreciate the honesty of these ads. The delivery isn't bad either.

For what it's worth, I don't believe any of the girls in the commercials are actual porn actresses. I could be wrong though. I don't think the cable porn is all that sexy (read: explicit) anyway.

Also, I will neither confirm nor deny, but one of your favorite bloggers might own the same Nerf longsword featured in the commercial. You never know when you might have to kill a pretend orc while walking around the house. Just sayin'.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Techno Dog Breaks You Off Some

If its a video with an animal doing something stupid or acting like it thinks it's people then it has a home on my blog.

I like this little guy despite the fact that he appears to be some sort of feral dog in a former Eastern Bloc republic. He's found his groove and he don't give a damn what you think. I hope someone gives him some glow sticks.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Buckeye Babes!

This video had me giggling for the full 3:47 so I had to share it. I just know some dude came up with this is the hopes that the college radio station in Columbus would play this song every Friday night and that he would be the recipient of copious amounts of trim as a result. I can't imagine that things worked out that way for him. But you get an "A" for effort buddy!

I would have loved to see one of these from when I was in college. It probably would have had music from some shitty Dave Matthews Band knock-off or a wack SoCal Third Wave ska band.

"Loyola Ladies" definitely would not have had as many perms and teased-out bangs in it. And honestly, my college experience is probably a little less rich as a result of that unfortunate fact.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Better Marriage Blanket

The Better Marriage Blanket is apparently a real product. It seems like total BS, but I could see this saving some marriages. It uses science and space alien technology to take all the funkiness from dinner's tasty bean burrito and completely obliterate it.

The dreaded (but mostly hilarious) Dutch Oven will be a thing of the past!

What I'm curious about is the blanket itself. If one were to use said blanket for several months, you have to imagine that it might get a tad rank. Does the blanket itself start to stink? Does the space-age core eradicate the smell or just store it? If you were to open the blanket and take out the core, could it be weaponized into a homemade dirty bomb? These are all questions I hope someone gets to the bottom of. I can't really be bothered. It is a blanket that was designed for farts after all.

I will tell you this. I plan to gift every new girlfriend with one of these if it ever looks like she plans on letting me touch her. In fact, I'm even thinking of buying the blankets in bulk and making all my clothes out of the material. It just may save a life.

Click here to buy your own and potentially save a relationship.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Porn Stars Ask Us to Pay for Porn

Good luck with that, guys. I didn't even know you were supposed to pay for porn, so you're kind of fighting an uphill battle.

They do have a secret weapon on their side. The smoldering sexuality of Mr. Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Awesome DUI Arrest Video

Whoever decided it was a good idea to videotape police arrests and traffic stops is an inadvertent comedic genius.

This one plays out like a screen test for a Samuel L. Jackson movie. I've never heard the word "motherfucker" more in my entire life, and for that reason alone, this little video is an enriching experience.

I definitely want to party with this guy.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Yo-Yo Lady Means Business

This video is great for two reasons:

1. I love yo-yos. They are a total blast to play with even though I still stink and mostly just hit myself when I try to do tricks.

2. This lady has SWAGGER!

WTF? You can't fade her! She is all business when it comes to yo-yoing. She threw down that guantlet and put up 100 large of her own money! That's what you call brass balls. Did you see when she was yo-yoing by the dude's head? Those veins are filled with ice water. She is certified bad-ass.

She even keeps her yo-yos in a handsome leather attache in between performances. That's class. I wonder if it was custom-made with the finest Corinthian leather?

I'm thinking of booking her for the First Annual Prince of Dundalk Leadership Summit to be held at the very beautiful and luxurious La Fontaine Bleue in Glen Burnie. There will be loads of guest speakers there to talk about what its like to be born awesome and what the rest of you can do to try and fake it. We'll also have workshops, a dunk tank, a drum circle and maybe even a craft tent.

Plus we'll also have a bull and oyster roast for all participants, as well as an open bar. Entertainment, you ask? Nutty Yo-Yo Lady for sure, but also...



I'm going to get Steve Moody to rock the mic alllllllllllll night long.

Who's with me?

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Lin Yu Chun and The Shat Sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

I think its safe to call this kid a luminary at this point. He is by far one of the most entertaining quasi-celebrities that I have seen this year. I hope his profile continues to grow. Then I'm hoping for a drug scandal or sex tape.
I'm leaning towards sex tape because I honestly want this kid to get some action as a result of his celebrity status. I hope he comes to the MTV Video Music Awards with some super-model or maybe even Jessica Simpson. They would make a handsome couple.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Creepy Robot Mouth That Actually Talks

This is really sexy. Its giving me all kinds of super-fun, sexy ideas despite the fact that it sounds like me blowing my nose and the morning and might be a guy robot.

Seriously though, say hi to the voice of our new robot overlords. When Skynet becomes self-aware and decides to exterminate us in nuclear fire, this is how it will announce it. Then come the hoverships and Terminator robots to finish up the job.

I sure hope John Connor is reading this.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Texas Stadium Imploding from the Inside

This is kind of cool and will probably bring a smile to the face of all of my readers who bleed burgundy and gold for the Redskins (I think there is only one of you, but I'm not above pandering). As many of you know, Texas Stadium got blowed up last week and it was as cool as expected.

In what can only be called the classiest move ever, the city of Irving, Texas sold promotional rights to the implosion to the Kraft company who used this as the logical jumping off point for their Macaroni & Cheese Cheddar Explosion campaign. Nice move guys. The positive flipside to this is that an 11-year-old kid named Casey Rogers got to push the button and bring the stadium down thanks to his winning essay about making a difference in his community. I'm sure he got some Cheddar Explosion out of the deal as well.

I'd be game to check this new Mac & Cheese out, but I'm a litte afraid now. It might be too packed with cheddar flavor if it was able to bring down a football stadium.

My favorite part of the video is the very end when the cable takes out the camera. That's about the coolest thing you could hope for in a situation like this. The only thing better would be if the cameras caught some guy running to the relative safety of midfield, while the building comes down around him.

Sadly, no one woke up out of their stupor as the nitro went off, denying me of my just reward. Oh well. Such is life.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: I'm Issuing a Premptive Amber Alert on This Guy

This comes from a Canadian TV show called Just Like Mom. I have no idea what the point of the show was about but it was apparently a great way for host Fergie Oliver to meet potential molestees. I think a better name for the show would be Exhibit A, but that's just me. I'm not sure about the ins and outs of child protection laws in Canada, so I probably shouldn't speculate.

This is a very creepy video. This guy really is persistent. I'm a little bit pertrubed by the way he steals kisses. He also really leans on these little girls to give in too.

When you're on TV and a weird man that smells like Old Spice is up in your mix asking for a hug and a kiss, what do you do? I bet that is intimidating as hell. And that is what makes him a predator. It kind of reminds me of how J.D. Roth would always ask for hugs from the contestants on Fun House, which was a bad ass show. The kids would always do it, but you could tell that it was not something they wanted to do. That was nowhere near as creepy as old Ferg here.

Anyway, if there is a higher power this man is now either locked up or chemically castrated. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a shower.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Lin Yu Chun Can Move!

Tawainese superstar took the Internet by storm last week with his tearjerking rendition of the Whitney Houston classic "I Will Always Love You" and now the kid has chosen to bust out his dance moves.

This guy is my hero. He looks like that Bobby Lee character from MadTV but he moves like one of the Fly Girls. He's off the hook.

Hopefully he will end up on American Idol before the end of the year and then he's got to get some kind of reality show or something.

The funny thing is, I've only heard him sing the one Whitney tune. I wonder if her can sing anything else. Does he even know any other songs? Wouldn't that be nuts if he could only sing the one song really well and everything else sounded like shit? That would be bananas.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Whitney Better Watch Her Back

This kid really tears this song up, which is odd considering he is a dude, is tuxedoed and has a bowl cut. Whitney Houston really has nothing on this guy.

I like the formality he brings to the show with his dress. He respects the art and the process. The little hipster chick he was apparently going to battle did not stand a chance. She was too laissez-faire about the whole ordeal.

I hope this kid blows up like nitro. If he came to the U.S. he could be like a talented William Hung or a cool Susan Boyle.

Maybe he can be in a reality show with Bobby Brown. He could be his manager or something. I'd watch that.