Did Anyone Know this Show Existed?

It's called Mall Cops: Mall of America and it airs on TLC, which is quickly becoming a network where you don't actually go to learn anything. There used to be informative programming on TLC but now its just families with 400 kids and little people. There is even a show called The Little Chocolatiers, which details the lives of a married couple that make exquisite chocolates and suffer from dwarfism. No shit.

I can only assume that this new show was commissioned to cash in on the success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop and the much darker Observe and Report. I'm not sure which high-powered Hollywood mogul was sitting around wondering what its like to be a mall security guard and decided to produce a television series about it, but he should probably be fired.

I liked it when reality shows showed me the unseen side of jobs that I know I could never have like the SWAT team or the crabbers of Deadliest Catch. Shows like that are exciting and gave me a glimpse into a world of badassery that my soft pud will never ever know. I can just hang out at the mall if I want to know about this stuff.

Then again, I've never wanted to go to Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas, but am riveted by the reality show where they go behind the scenes at Douchebag Mecca.

In any event, this show exists and I am sure I will check it out at one point or another. As this little video shows, it can't be all bad. Also, on the TLC site, they have a longer video where the security operatives wrestle the drunk Russian out of the public eye and he promptly shits his pants. Good stuff!

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Creepy Child Robot

So my initial reaction to this was a very understandable "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

This child robot seems a little too needy and it looks like it was trying to eat that one young lady's lady parts. I'm surprised that the AI installed on the android does not realize how inappropriate that really is. Or maybe the AI knows exactly what it is doing and is attempting to obliterate the human species one womb at a time. All the chasing is a bit much too.

Finally, it looks like it has a patchwork face (ie it was sewn from pieces of other human faces), which just completes the entire eerie package. I believe I will pass on the child robot in favor of my pet kung-fu bear.

Just Another Day at the Office...

The crazy thing is, I did this exact thing just the other night! I didn't run into as much trouble jumping my dirtbike through the cardboard walls, but there was considerably more mess when I bazookaed the snake from three feet away.

That's what I get for not bringing my katana blade. Flipping off the bike and beheading the snake in one fluid motion would have been a more elegant solution but I'm of the opinion that you blame the artist, not his tools.

Oh well. All in a day's work for your resident super-stud, The Prince of Dundalk. You can probably smell my machismo seeping from your computer screen right now.

Also, I definitely saw that chick naked on Cinemax. Like multiple times.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kung Fu Bear

Since I love bears an awful lot, this guy made the cut. If I could choose any animal as a pet, it would be this guy. He wouldn't be a pet so much as my constant companion and partner against the forces of evil.

Our TV show would be a combo of BJ and the Bear and The Legend of Kung Fu. Oh yeah. Throw some CSI and The Mentalist into the mix because I am fascinated by the investigary sciences.

This bear is bad as shit. He reminds me of Kuma from Tekken. Who in the world wouldn't want a bear that knows martial arts? No friend of mine, that's for sure.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Teen Wolves in San Antonio

Whoops! Sorry to get your hopes up. We're not talking about the Howards or some other awesome werewolves. We're talking about these douchers.

Where to begin? I guess the first thing I will say is that watching a video like this is a wonderful way to gauge how old you are. If it pisses you off, then you are old. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I like that the one kid tells us that they are "not to be feared." Thanks for the tip. I was about to start melting down the flatware to make silver bullets but I guess I can hold off on that. According to them I should be more concerned with the "poser" gangs. People still use that word? I'm not concerned with either of them, really. I just don't want to have to see them when I go to the mall.

I understand that adolescence is a tough time for kids and that they need to feel like they belong to something. I'm not heartless. I just think its kind of odd that kids will talk about trying to be themselves when they are busy pretending to be something they are not. I'm a firm believer in being comfortable in your own skin. You shouldn't need to throw on a wolf's hide to feel good about yourself. Plus they look dumb with those raccoon tails and contact lenses.

Now ultimately I don't care what they do with themselves, but whenever I see something like this I immediately think about whether I would want my kids to do. Can you guess my answer to this one?

If I end up with a son that is fixated on werewolves, fine. If he were to happen to wake up naked in a field, covered in blood then good for him. He knows how to party! And if he wants to look the part then go for it. But be a cool looking Teen Wolf, not this crap we're seeing. The werewolves in Underworld were pretty bad ass. They were a bunch of big, swoll dudes with body hair and beards. They were always hanging out in sewers and fighting vampires. That's much better than hanging out at the mall and hassling the security guards.

Plus, what kind of shitty werewolf names are Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus or Wolfy Blackheart? That's just super-lame. Pick something bad ass like Thorfinn Grimfang or my old pseudonym, Rock DangerWolf. You need something with a little zazz.

I bet they try and draw a lot of attention to themselves by howling and growlin but then say that they are just trying to be themselves and want to be left alone when people finally look their way. Have fun at the prom you all decide to hold in the graveyard. I'm sure that will be a blast.

I hate teenagers.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Habitué

Today's word is one that should make you look totally smart and shit at your next cocktail party. It is habitué and it means "One who frequents a particular place, especially a place offering a specific pleasurable activity."

If I were to use it in a sentence as an example I might say something like "My friend Smooth B is a habitué of the local gentlemen's clubs as well as middle school parking lots." I might say something like that, but I won't because its kind of rude.

Mostly I wanted to share this word so I could also share the example given in the e-mail. This comes from an article on BusinessWorld Online.

"Knicks habitués, for example, were beside themselves when erstwhile James disciples turned on him in light of his subpar numbers; they prayed that the unwarranted knee-jerk reaction would make the King abandon any plans of re-upping with the Cavaliers and instead look Gothamward for his new home."

I think that was about basketball, but I'm still not sure. It could also have something to do with parliamentary procedure or might even be a recipe for a lovely salad nicoise. I'm still working it out.

In any event, nice job guy. That's why you're writing sports stories for BusinessWorld Online and not Sports Illustrated. Keep up that pretty talk and they might hire you on at Slate.

Guy Builds Crazy Complicated War Machine Suit for Geek Festival

So my initial reaction to things like this is "Wow. That's geeky even for me."

Then I stop and think. This is basically just living out a childhood fantasy when you have the means to do it. How bad did I want Iron Man armor when I was 10 years old? Would I have killed for a utility belt or web-shooters back then? The answer to these and other similar questions is "A lot." and "YES!"

Hell, look at the picture I have of me on the site. I wore the reversible Superman/Batman cape (purchased at the Heritage Fair in Dundalk!) all the damn time. Sometimes without underwear as you can clearly see. To this day I still have more Nerf toys than a grown man my age should have.

So kudos to you, guy. You built a pretty cool suit of armor. All the shit moves and lights up and that is swell. I just probably wouldn't have worn it out of the house.