Monday, October 31, 2011

Mastiff Monday: Halloween Edition

First of all sorry for the lack of entries. I am a bit of a shitty blogger. I'm OK with that though because I am a really good friend and I think that counts for more.

Anywho, it's Halloween and that means you'll see a ton of little kids in costume today. You will also see a lot of people putting their dog "babies" in costume too. Some people think this is weird and that is a valid point. But I ask you this: why hold dominion over anything if you don't use that power to amuse yourself? It's why we put funny costumes on kids and babies and it rightly carries over to dogs. Case in point. Our buddy the flying monkey above.

The real fun part about mastiffs at Halloween has to be their size. It's great to dress up a pug like Yoda because it's tiny and it already kind of looks like Yoda, but with mastiffs you have to step up the game. Their size brings all kinds of opportunities to light. You wouldn't waste a Yoda costume on a mastiff. You have to think bigger.

You can dress your mastiff like a little baby.

Or a rough and tough cowboy and his trusty mount.

Or a pretty fairy princess.

You are only limited by your imagination. And that is the beauty of Halloween.

And now I leave you with a dose of adorable. Mastiffs and babies! That's a good dog.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sgt. Larvelle Jones Beatboxes "Whole Lotta Love"

Not a whole lot needs to be said about this video. This is apparently from a Norwegian talk show. How is it that we can't get shit like this on American TV? Are you seeing this Jimmy Fallon? It's a can't miss.

This video is proof that Michael Winslow was underutilized in the Police Academy franchise. Those filmmakers clearly couldn't see past Steve Guttenberg's star power. Otherwise Jones would have been all over the place. Don't get me wrong, his highlights are the best, but think of what could have been. The closest we got was him backing up Lt. Callahan that one time and that was nowhere near close enough.

My favorite part was when he told the guitarist to play it in the original artist's key. Fucking right, man. This isn't amateur hour.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Mastiff Monday: Diesel's Debut

So as I mentioned last week, some of the wonderful things about Mastiffs are that they are enormous and you can give them fantastic names like my friend Chunky Monkey above and Diesel below.

One of the other great things about mastiffs that I have recently discovered is watching them eat. They can eat a ton and it's kind of mesmerizing. I think you will agree.

I bet he was still hungry after he finished the pork butt.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Mastiff Monday

So there is a very fun TV blog called Warming Glow (extra credit if you get the Simpsons' reference) and one of their weekly features is Corgi Friday. As you may have guessed, the writer basically posts pictures and videos of Corgis. I love Corgis a great deal. Their tiny little legs are both adorable and functional, allowing them to run under sheep and herd them. Plus they have very cute, pleasant faces. I don't think there is a soul alive who would not like the Corgi Flop once they have seen it. Corgi Friday is a wonderful idea and I am glad it exists.

In any event, I think it is time another breed got its due. Since Corgis are tiny little guys, I decided that I wanted to promote the other end of the spectrum and showcase English Mastiffs. Mastiffs are great because they are enormous. I think that is reason enough to love them.

Males average 150-250 pounds, while females average 120-200 pounds. The largest recorded weight for a mastiff is 343 pounds. That's incredible. It's like taking Haloti Ngata for a walk. Now I don't want to think about how much a dog like that eats and I really don't want to think about what you would have to clean up after it. I think the most important thing to take away from this is that you could probably ride one of these dogs.

Mastiffs also have a very good temperament. They are very loyal, loving and are basically gigantic, real teddy bears that you can leave to protect your house. I'm certain you will have to wipe up some drool, but that is the price you pay for one of these big guys.

Plus you get to give them awesome names like Zeus, Samson, Thor, Goliath or Jumbo. You can't throw those around with golden retrievers or beagles without looking like a punk.

If you are having some trouble getting behind my logic, please check out the visual evidence.

The are very cute as puppies.

And also make great companions.

Plus, they will keep you safe from dragons, which is a threat we have overlooked in recent years.

In summation, Mastiffs are where it is at. In the world of big old dogs, this breed reigns supreme. Not everyone can handle this much love, but I salute those that do. You're doing the hard work that we can't.

Now please enjoy, Tank and his shenanigans. He's not so bright.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: In Which I Kick Ass in Trivia

We have a doozy today. 

For those who want to know how the sausage is made, I usually get e-mails from my sister where she tells me about the bizarre shit that inhabits her subconscious mind. I then promptly put them on the blog. And that, my friends, is how science works for you.

Anyways, this little gem came to me with the subject line "WTF Dream." It's the most appropriate subject line she could have gone with. A small part of me is glad that the dream disturbed her enough that she couldn't fall back asleep. No one should be allowed to rest easy after conjuring up something like this.

Alrighty so I had a very disturbing dream which woke me up a little after 5 and then I was just awake for awhile.

I was in Dot's house with my friend Leah. I had this very weird feeling of a presence, kinda like how we used to feel in Uncle Joe's creepy house. Leah was going upstairs to get ready for bed and then I freaked out, I was like, "I don't want to stay down here by myself!!" and ran after her. We were up in the attic like bedroom where we were going to stay and Pop Vic kept making runs up and down the stairs bringing towels, etc. Then he was like, "Be careful, people broke in here to look at our internet the other week." I was like, "What are you talking about?" And he was like, "The neighbors, they were in here, on our computer looking on wikipedia." I was trying to look at Leah and be like, "Don't worry- they are a lil' nuts, no one broke in."

As he was making another trek up the stairs he was totally winded. I was like, "Pop, why don't you rest. I'll do the running up and down the stairs." So he sat on this corner step and was mumbling some stuff that wasn't audible. Then he was tearing up and was like, "I shouldn't have to wash socks five... six times a week." As I was looking at him, he looked more like Dad, but had a wavy afro. He went downstairs I guess and Leah came out of the bathroom. She had on a tank and underwear but it looked like she was naked. I was like, "You need to put on more clothes!!"

So we go down and Grandma is coming in off of the porch (and there is a big bar outside with lots of people). She has a zip up hoodie on and is like, "Man, Matt and Greg are like one trivia question off from winning $5,000."

Then I woke up and I was creeped out, so I had a really hard time falling asleep again. I felt like someone was touching me, then I was convinced something was in my room.

That last sentence may seem ominous and paranormal since we are entering the autumn months and are only a few short weeks away from All Hallow's Eve, but I wouldn't worry about it. I bet a drifter just broke is and was watching her sleep. Nothing to get worked up over.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

R.I.P. Bubba Smith

It was announced today that former Baltimore Colt and actor Bubba Smith was found dead in his home in Los Angeles today. Bubba would receive valuable blog space even if he had only been a Baltimore Colt, but he did it way better starring in the Police Academy series (which are awesome... don't let anyone tell you otherwise) as well as appearing in ads for local law firm Cohen, Snyder, Eisenberg & Katzenberg.

I will always remember him as Lt. Moses Hightower, cohort of Police Academy ne'er-do-well Carey Mahoney (played by Steve Guttenberg). Even when Guttenberg left the franchise after the fourth movie, Smith shouldered on lending his quiet demeanor to the successive films.

Bubba was also a great pitch man, starring in what might have been some of the very first humorous beer commercials, pre-Spuds McKenzie.

He will be missed.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'm Still Here. I Promise.

Hola, gang! Sorry I haven't rapped at you in a while. I know it would take a monumental explanation to really make up for my absence. The good news is I have one.

A few months ago, I saw my sensei murdered in cold blood by one of my fellow students. This guy was pissed because he taught me all of the secret arts instead of him and decided to blame the sensei rather than just accepting that maybe he wasn't as good of a student as he thought he was. In my shame and grief I took a vow of silence until I was able to avenge my teacher.

I traveled the world searching for him. I trekked through the Himalayas, slept in volcanoes, explored lost cities in South America and then forged a sword from the molten core of a fallen star. Still I could not find him. Then one day I was at a CVS here in Glen Burnie (picking up a Whatchamacallit and Arizona Iced Tea) and there he was right in front of me. What the shit?!

So I dropped my treats and ran outside to my car where I had my star-sword sitting in the passenger seat and I waited to pounce. Bing bang boom, I cut off his head and ate his heart taking his strength and essence into me.

Anywho, here I am. Your humble blogger, bowed in supplication.As a sign of good faith, please enjoy this video.

Watch out, puppies! Killer baby!