Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Breaking & Entering and a Nice Korean Dinner

I'm smart enough to go with what works so here we go.
For this one, I sat on it a bit debating on whether or not to use it because of the names in it. Then I realized I can just change the damn names. This is my world. They're all just paying rent.

On with the show...

Maybe don't use this because there are people's names in it, but this ws pretty weird. Good news, no illigitimate kids-- just me breaking and entering and hanging out with a Korean family in their apartment.

So anyhoo-- I was in charge of this "prank." I apparently did it to [Dan Abbott] in high school and did it again. I would break into his house and leave a gift with a note saying, "Ha-- i'm sneaky, I broke into your house!"

I remember the house was a split level, in a ghetto area. He was hanging out with a bunch of black dudes on the back porch when I broke in. I don't really remember how I got in, but I left him a gift bag. Then later, I went in to be like, "Neckbone-- I broke in!" and he was crying and really upset that I broke into his house. Then I felt like a jerk and thought that I actually looked kinda crazy. I thought it was a prank, but here I am breaking into a guy's home I haven't seen in a good ten years or so. I remember talking to you about the severity of it all, because I was running through the alley ways of the ghetto dodging people. I was like, "I am so good- I broke in with them on the back porch and they had no clue."

Later I was jogging on a track. I was doing two miles and I think Uncle [D]utch was there. They wrapped up and I was all set to finish what I had started. I think I ran for like a half mile, and I noticed that it was getting tougher to finish my loop because I was tethered to a tree. It would tighten up around a certain point and I had to really book it to get around. Kinda like Hannibal. [Huh?] Somehow I befriended this Korean family and they were like, "Let's go! Time for dinner!" I remember thinking I wanted to finish running, but I love food, so I would rather eat. Next thing, I'm in the Korean family's apartment helping them prepare dinner. This woman had one of those pre-packaged Asian meals. It was going to whip into this lovely noodle dish, but I remember her going, "Oh no... I don't have egg noodles. They aren't in the package."

That's about it.

One thing we have learned is that it's never "it."

Friday, August 27, 2010

We've Got Fire Tornadoes Now?

So I posted this video for two reasons.

#1. These things actually exist. It's not just something a six-year-old dreamt up after watching cartoons.
#2. It's one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen.

The wind literally whips the flames up into a whirlwind of destruction. Granted, the video doesn't show any real destruction and this thing sort of just dicks around on the screen for a bit, but I have an active imagination. Some have even said it's just too brilliant. I see a tiny fire tornado and immediately make the mental leap to a burning, mile-wide Twister-style F5 "Finger of God." I don't think Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt could outlast one of those using some pipes and a thick leather belt.

I don't even think you could hide in your storm cellar if one of my imaginary super-fire tornadoes comes a callin'. Instead of just knocking your home down, this thing obliterates it with hot wind & fire and then burns all the other shit up too. It will probably bake you in the cellar too. There is no escaping this new threat. the good news is that it has to be really dry for this to go down, which gives me a newfound respect for humidity, my arch-nemesis. I guess oppressive, stuffy heat is better than dry, burning winds.

I'm guessing the news anchor is so calm about this because he is across the Atlantic in Great Britain, while the firestorms are in Brazil. I think a live spot near one of these would go a little differently.

If you were wondering what the Apocalypse will look like, just think of these little twisters and use your imagination. I know this thing will haunt my night terrors from now on.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: More Illegitimate Kids

Baby sis sent me a doozy today. Like I said before my little sister's dreamscape is a fascinating place. I kind of picture it as a Lewis Carroll book as reinterpreted by Hunter S. Thompson, only a little more filthy and way scarier. No wonder she had night terrors.

So, I had a dream that I had twins last night. Unamed father, hope that's not a foreshadowing of my life to come. Anyhow, they pop out and I name them Harrah, and Etham. Not EthaN, EthaM. Is that even a name? It is, I looked it up-- it's biblical. Later I regretted those names, but figured I'd call them whatever the hell I want to as they age.

So they pop out in the hospital, then I am home with them. For some reason, I ran an errand but I ended up out at dinner. I popped in and saw Misty and there were other Hampden people. It was weird, it was like no one knew I had a babies so I felt the need to go out and announce that rather than spend time with the babies. So I sit down at a table for a minute, and then it turns into one of those swinging pirate ship rides. I was trying to scream for them to stop, but this guy from high school was sitting in front of me so I just grabbed tight under his arms. I knew who it was but couldn' t see his face. As I was swinging, I was trying to figure out if he was the father or not. I was freaking out because I was thinking that I just had babies yesterday, I probably shouldn't be on a ride that is shaking up all my insides.

I eventually end up back home and the babies had aged like 4 months. They were f-ing adorable, both of them and they were sleeping with Dad on the couch. Harrah (the girl) gave Dad this huge hug on her own and we were all like, "Oh man, he's done." They were both awesome, but the lil' girl was def more charming and had more of a dynamic personality.

Ahhh... the life of a single mother. WTF is up with me and dreams of illegitimate children lately?

I certainly don't know what is up with all of you illegitimate child dreams and I won't even dare to conjecture. Let's check the Innernette. She's always got something fun and informative up her sleeve.

So this dream site had this to say about birth.

To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major event. Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for you to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.

That's not so bad. But what about that faceless guy?

To see a faceless figure or person in your dream, indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are. Perhaps you are unsure of how to read people and their emotions. Therefore, you are expressing a desire to know and understand these people on a deeper level.

That's sounds pretty normal too. My little sister has the same vulnerabilities as anyone else. I guess the only other thing to look into is the flying pirate ship ride. What say you, Internet?

You're fucking nuts.

Oooooooh. Burn! The Internet doesn't lie. I guess we have to put her down.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Scientists Create Killer Robot Snakes

Once again you have outdone yourself, Japan.

Son of a bitch, man! Was anyone asking for creepy shit like this to be developed? Wasn't this exact design used in Terminator Salvation, only weaponized and more dangerous? Those things were wrecking shit in that movie. It took a badass cyborg to defeat them and save John Connor, so what does the Tokyo Institute of Technology do? They take a mammoth first step. Where is Sarah Connor when you need her?

This may seem like a non sequitur, but bear with me. When I was very young, my grandparents took me to the zoo in Baltimore. While in the Reptile House, I saw my first Gila monster and have spent pretty much everyday since worrying that one of those things was going to crawl out of the toiler and bite me on the ass or balls. Or both. Now we can replace Gila monsters with snake robots. I shudder to think about what a robot assassin could do if it decided to climb up my toilet pipes to get at me. And believe me when I tell you my enemies have the money, power and determination to make something like this happen. I will need to be ever-vigilant while on the toilet from hear on out.

To add a capper to this irrational fear of mine, I recently learned that the pipes that go to your toilet are not filled with water. While this means that snake robots probably can't make their way into my toilet to deliver a nuclear payload up my asshole (at least not the Gen 1 robot snakes), other critters could conceivably crawl through and wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful bathroom break. Great. Game on, Gila monsters.

But I digress. I'm also not enthralled with the way those things move in the water. It's very natural and snake-like, which means these scientists did a great job with the design, but will inevitably screw people up for life. I think the only thing that would freak me out more is a real, poisonous snake in the water. That's no fun. I would hate to see something like that swimming towards me. Mechanical or fleshy. It makes my skin crawl.

Why can't roboticists just make a working android butler? I think that's something we can all get behind. I just don't see the logic in creating a bunch of things that SkyNet will turn against us when it becomes sentient.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Genius Baby = Future English Major

This is a video of a kid reciting Tennyson is his Superman pajamas, which really is as incredible as it sounds.

I can imagine this guy was coached, but its still pretty impressive. I don't think I could memorize that poem, if I spent all week on it. I can tell you the heights and weights of most super-heroes, as well as quite a few professional football players (which I think is pretty impressive).

It's kind of nice to see the little guy take an interest in something that will ultimately better him. I can only hope that the little nerds that issue forth from my loins can be half as brainy as this kid. I'd love them just the same if they weren't though (I guess). I would prefer if they were to wear something other than Superman pajamas when they whip out the big brains to impress guests. If the kids won't wear tweed blazers, then at the very least Batman or Spider-Man pajamas. Those two are cooler than Superman. I think little nerd glasses would complete the look.

This is all wishful thinking though. I'm destined to raise little weird kids, just like my parents before me. There is no way around it. If I'm lucky, my kids will be able to recite dialogue from Crisis on Infinite Earths or Secret Invasion, and really that's all a dad could ask for.

But back to the little brainiac! I think this next video is even more adorable and impressive.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: A Triple Dip

So many of you know my younger sister Kendra, but what you might not know is that she has the most bizarre dreams of anyone I have ever met. I suspect that she eats a handful of mushrooms before going to bed each night. If you don't believe me, ask her about the dream where she took a friendly shower with a headless Matt Lauer. I didn't mean for that to rhyme.

In any event, she normally e-mails me when she has a weird dream and they are too good to not share with the world. Also, I'm hoping a mental health professional might read this and add some insight into exactly what is wrong with her. It would really ease the minds of the whole family.

Without further ado, I give you the first in what promises to be a prolific and neverending new feature here on my blog, Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre!

I had another weird dream last night. I guess it stemmed from my toenail inspection party that I forced you into. I had to go to a doctor's office to get my toenails clipped, but it looked like some weird scientific lab. I was waiting and then this woman came up the stairs with a chimp. She was like, "This is my baby- he's here to get his toenails clipped." So then they lay him on a bed across the room and he turns into a retarded guy. They had a diaper on him while they strapped him in, but it was like a thong-type diaper. I felt guilty because I could see his balls the whole time. And I was thinking, "I want to tell people I saw a retarded guys balls, but they are going to think I am a jerk." It wasn't like I was looking on purpose, they were just out in public.

So then, I'm not sure where the story took this turn or if it was even the same dream. We had some weird house with a pool, but all of our weird neighbors came over. This one girl with a lisp got all flip with me when I asked her where she was going. She was like, "ughhhh.... i'm going in the pool!!!!" She was wearing a two piece and I was thinking, "Whatever, you're a jerk and everyone is going to think you are 5 months preggo," because her gut was all weird.

Then another one, and I've had these before. I forget that I am pregnant. I was in a weird office/bedroom, and when I turned on my computer this notification came on saying, "Hello Kendra, your baby is blah blah blah," and the site was giving me details about how its development is advancing. I thought the father was this kid I went to college with- we weren't friends and I guess just had a one nighter??-- and I was like, "whatever--- I'm just going to tell him. I don't want anything from him, but I guess he should know." Then I was freaking out because I realized I had to tell Mom and Dad. In these dreams, it's like I "forget" that I am preggo, as though it will go away. I learned, then I didn't believe it, kept drinking and having fun, thinking it would go away.

Weird, weird weird.
That was weird? No shit.
I hope you enjoyed our first foray into the subconscious of my sister. If any of you can figure that shit out, let me know, because I don't know what is going on in that head of hers.
The good news is that Kendra goes to sleep every night, so we should have a ton of these to enjoy in the future.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Anchorman is AFI's #1 Greatest Movie

This video is long, but it's a total giggle party.

I liked when Burt Reynolds and Dustin Hoffman cried while remembering the film. I admit that I was moved to tears by Will Ferrell's performance at certain points of the film. Burgundy's love of scotch resonated with me, and when Jack Black punted Baxter off the bridge after getting hit in the face with a burrito and wrecking his bike, I cried so much at Ferrell's anguished character that the film became a part of me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Turtle Sex

Every now and again I get to thinking that I rely far to heavily on videos for my content. I promise myself that I will only post stuff I come up with on my own and say to hell with the blatant theft of videos from other sites. I'm better than that.

Then I find stuff like this. What kind of man would I be if I didn't share this with my friends? The answer to that question is "The wrong kind of man" or "No man at all."

It's short and sweet and doesn't need much commentary. I will say this: I like the turtle's enthusiasm. It must feel pretty great if he yells "wow" with each thrust. Also, to the girl in the video, it's not nasty. The turtles are making love. It's a beautiful act of doggie style animal sex. Besides, she's the one filming it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: "Go find yourself a spin cycle!"

This video totally made my day yesterday. When it gets going it just keeps on going. You can see the drying spin-cycling itself to machine death!

This led me to some odd questions. If the dryer had a consciousness, would it know that it was killing itself? Can it tell that something is wrong or does it just keep going, thinking that it is doing its job? If its doing the primary function it was built to do, is that not a fitting end for the machine?

Whoa. Go take a few tabs of the brown acid or some bong rips and then go back and read that again. I just blew your mind!

After I thought through all of that, I started to think about how cool it would be if you could talk to machines. You would never need to use the remote again. You could just ask the TV or cable box to tune into whatever channel you wanted and watch away. But if you did that, what would the remote have to say to you when you stop using it?

Did you just get chills? Your minds are totally blown and you're welcome.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Guys Who Constantly Flush the Urinal

I have a feeling that about 90% of my audience will have no idea what this is about, but hopefully, the other 10% will.

This particular pet peeve is a men's room staple that I have never understood. If you are one of the offenders, please tell me why you do this. I promise not to judge you. At least not openly.

Invariably, any time I am enjoying a #2 and some cell phone Tetris while at work, someone will come in and disturb my peaceful setting. They march in, sidle up to one of the urinals and get ready to drain the main vein. Here comes the weird part. Before breaking the seal, they flush the toilet and then continue to flush it throughout the entire pee. If the water stops flowing, they hit the lever.

This bothers me for many reasons. One, it is supremely annoying when you are trying to capture a quiet moment away from your desk. Two, it's a total waste of water and that kind of pisses me off. Three, it makes me wonder what in the hell is going on is this dude's kidneys that he can't stand to have his piss in front of him. Is he drinking a lot of coffee? Beer? Paint thinner?

Does it really smell that bad or is it just some weird phobia? (UPDATE: I looked it up after typing that and its called urophobia.Weirdos.) You know what's even weirder? I would totally smell this really stinky pee just to say I did it. Like you wouldn't?

Other men's room pet peeves that I will list in no particular order:
  • Guys who undo their whole pant system to use a urinal
  • Guys who make a total mess when washing their hands and get the whole place soaked (How does that even happen?).
  • Guys who keep sticking their wang through the glory hole even though I did not return the foot tap
  • Guys who fart at the urinals