Saturday, January 30, 2010

My Pet Peeves: Crisscrossed Bacon on My Burgers

WTF, man?

Sometimes people like to ask what you would want as your last meal if you were sitting on death row. A popular answer is steak and lobster or something like that. For the longest time I didn't know what I would want the last taste in my mouth to be. Then one day it hit me. I would want a bacon cheeseburger.

I love bacon cheeseburgers. They may honestly be my favorite food. I could literally eat one everyday if they were good enough. I could probably even do it if they were crappy. As you can imagine I've had my fair share of bacon cheeseburgers over the years and I have discovered one thing about them that really grinds my gears: crisscrossed bacon.

I have no idea what possesses a chef (or cook) to do this. Is it because they would rather I taste the meat? Are they running low on bacon? I don't care about your reasons. Give me more bacon.

Whenever I get a crisscrossed burger, I have to take the overhanging bacon and try and fold it back in so its resting on top of the burger. I shouldn't have to do this, but I do because I don't have any other choice.

I think if you serve a bacon cheeseburger then there should be bacon in every bite. Don't go trying to save my cardiovascular system. If I cared, I wouldn't have ordered a bacon cheeseburger.

Bacon makes everything better, especially burgers. This is just science and you all know better to argue with science. I don't like biting into that baconless dead zone on the burger when I expect to taste crispy, salty manna from heaven.

Here is how a bacon cheeseburger should look.

That'll do, pig.

Not an inch of bare meat. Its perfect.

I'm glad we cleared this up.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Jessica Simpson Steps On Duck

This is probably the best story I've heard all week long.


Exclusive: Oops! Jessica Simpson Farts During Business Meeting

Let's end this meeting on a high note!

A source tells Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson had a, ahem, windy moment during a business meeting for her denim line in late January. "While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart," says the insider.

"Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, 'Jessica!' The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say."

It wasn't Simpson's first brush with public flatulence: She famously cut loose on an episode of Newlyweds, telling then-husband Nick Lachey, "You love my stinky ass," and professed her fondness for between-the-sheets poots (a.k.a. Dutch ovens) to a radio station in 2008.

In my head this hilarious situation plays out like the fart scene in Stepbrothers, where John C. Reilly lets a long, loud squeaker out and then denies it when Seth Rogen calls him out. The highlight is when Rogen said it tasted like onion and ketchup.

How horrible would it be to be stuck in that meeting? I also wonder if the fart was really smelly too. If its Silent But Deadly, you can lie and pass it off as someone else, but when they are loud its tough to deny it. If it was loud and toxic then God help her. I bet they would cancel the denim line.

I also like how Jessica's mother called her out in the meeting. Leave it to moms to throw you under the bus. Like Jessica didn't know she just farted. She was trying to play it cool. The real ass is the person who leaked this story to Us Weekly. If I were Jessica I would find out who did it and then hide a raw fish in their office or give them an upper-decker in their executive washroom.

I bet this is the real reason celebrities travel with an entourage. That way there is always someone else to blame, and you know they will take the fall or else the gravy train comes to a screeching halt.

I like this quote too "The tension was extreme." They make it sound like a Hitchcock thriller. You hear the fart and then the orchestra slowly builds until you have the signature slashing violins.

"There has been a fart. Dun dun dun!"

Cut the girl some slack. Like my grandfather used to say when he farted in public "Its just air."

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Most Inspirational Two Minutes Ever

So I think this clip pretty much covers everything you would ever need inspiration for. I'm pretty jacked up right now. I'm about to run out and win one for the Gipper because I'm a lion and that's the Chicago way.

I think this should be aired before all sporting matches, workouts at the gym, eating contests, regular meals, church services, sexual meetings, parties, dance-offs and a whole litany of other events.

I think another grassroots campaign is in order.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Hot Tub Time Machine Redband Trailer

So I finally found a version that would fit on the blog!

As many of you know, I am really excited about this movie for a number of reasons which I have already explained. This new dirty trailer has just cemented all of that.

In this trailer there is more explanation of the retarded premise, more swearing and even a pair of nice boobies for us to enjoy. I think everyone can agree that those things make a movie trailer way, way better.

Anywho, this is funny as shit and I hope you all enjoy it.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

24 Reunites Me with Lost Love

So 24 is back on the air and with it has come Annie Wersching, like a cool breeze on a hot, sexy summer night. Annie, as I like to call her, plays Renee Walker an FBI agent who crossed paths with Jack Bauer last year and maybe didn't come away from that meeting in the best frame of mind. More on that later.

Annie is notable for being one of the current crop of redheads I can't stop thinking about (along with Mad Men's Christina Hendricks and Amy Adams, who I just adore). She has beautiful, sparking eyes and is athletic, yet a little curvy. As an added bonus, she was also into Irish dancing as a young girl. Isn't that a quirky hobby? How adorable.

As you can imagine, I was happy when Annie showed up on Monday night to help the hardworking folks at CTU infiltrate a Russian organized crime ring. But wait! This Renee Walker seemed a bit different, a bit darker than the Girl Scout we saw last season.
It seemed that when Renee gazed into the abyss with Jack last season, the abyss gazed into her. Now she's a total bad ass, which got my blood boiling.

When an old associate of hers from her undercover days was proving to be no help because of a monitoring bracelet she did what any good psychotic would do and cut off his thumb with a power saw! Now he can come and help, while the bracelet stays behind. It’s just common sense really.

With that excersise in economy, Annie Wersching won an eternal spot in my heart and I spent the night dreaming of gorgeous, terrible women with a thirst for blood.

I can't wait to see what she does next.

The Oddest Picture I Have Seen Today

Think about this though. If you're Kimbo Slice and you are at an MMA party in your sweet douche gear from Buckle in the mall, why wouldn't you pose for a picture with Elton John?

I think if Elton is at the same party as you, its a moral imperative that you get a picture with him. I would even go so far as to try and get him to sing "Levon" with me.




(For all you chicks, Kimbo Slice is the scariest man you have ever seen. He was a streetfighter that decided to go pro in mixed martial arts and got knocked out during his professional TV debut by some dude with pink hair in like 15 seconds. If you're reading Mr. Slice, these are just jokes.)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Nick Nolte: No Exit

So this looks exciting! As you can see from the trailer, some genius filmmaker has taken it upon themselves to get to the bottom of Nick Nolte. I think this is a great idea because the man is a national treasure in addition to being batshit insane. The great ones always are.

The documentary seems like it will have a shitload of awesome stories. I know I'd like to hear what happened after Nick handed his passenger the steering wheel of the jeep he was driving. Presumably they will also answer the age-old question of how many testicles Nick Nolte has. Three or six?

We can only hope that the director follows up this tour de force with a docu about Gary Busey. I'd love to know how he is able to pull out someone's endocrine system.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil Trailer

I stumbled across this trailer the other day, but just decided to post it for you guys. Its yet another in a long line of goofy movies with great concepts that I will probably love.

Like Hot Tub Time Machine, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil combines a great cast with the kind of plot you would dream up after eating Space Cake. In this film, a bunch of college kids go to the woods for a camping trip and and run into two innocent hillbillies. When the college kids start accidentally dying they blame Tucker and Dale, who naturally think the kids have come to the woods to fulfill a suicide pact.

Its brilliant. Enjoy!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Another Hot New Product for Your Boobies!

As a fan of boobs and friend to many citizens of the female persuasion that have boobs, I felt it was my duty to point out this new product that I saw on another blog.

Much like the previously blogged about Kush'n, this product finally makes it easy to have boobs. Part wallet and part titty-dickie, the Cleavage Caddy allows ladies to carry things in their bras. At least in a far more organized fashion.

Now you can carry money, ID, credit cards, gum, lady products and probably sandwiches conveniently right on your own boobs. They even come with lacy parts so guys will have something to stare at. I think the only real issue here is when you actually use this, say at the checkout line of your local green grocer, and reach into your boobs to get your cash.

Obviously, this will not work as well if you wear a turtleneck.

To order one, which I know you all plan on doing, click here.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

My Pet Peeves: Recumbent Bikes

So I'm not some mook who doesn't get these things. I understand the advantages of the aerodynamics and weight distribution. I just think they look really fucking stupid.

I've ridden them in the gym and they are preferable to regular bikes. Its a way cushier ride and its nice to not have a numb ass for several days afterwards even with the butt pad shorts. But I really feel like these should stay in the gym. When you take them outside you get this.

Congratulations! You're an asshole. Nice shirt, by the way.

There is a very similar man who likes to ride his recumbent around the streets near my office. I see him several times a week and every time I see him, it’s like it’s the very first time. I roll my eyes, usually mutter some rude words under my breath and try not to make eye-contact with him.

Just yesterday I saw him and the little devil on my shoulder started giving me some wonderful ideas. Since the steering is under the seat area, the chest is basically exposed. I think an awesome prank would be to throw a water balloon, bag of trash, brick, etc. at the rider's chest while they fly past you. They can't bring their hands up quick enough to stop the impact! It would be hilarious! He would probably start swerving and hit a parked car or something. I would then have to beat feet to avoid an assault charge, but really isn't it worth the effort? I'm a simple man who likes simple pleasures.

As much as a bitch about them now, I can totally see myself buying one of these in my twilight years and riding around my neighborhood in bike shorts. I'll wave and smile while my family tries to disassociate themselves from me. I think it fits into the Clark Griswold-esque life I have in store for me quite nicely.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Amazing Tape Measure Tricks

This video is on here for obvious reasons. I love the human (and mostly male) mindset that compels a person to spend hour practicing something for no other reason to impress your friends. Its doubtful that this skill will get him any kind of real money, but he persisted. And that is why he is an American folk hero.