The Prince's Pet Peeves: Guys Who Constantly Flush the Urinal

I have a feeling that about 90% of my audience will have no idea what this is about, but hopefully, the other 10% will.

This particular pet peeve is a men's room staple that I have never understood. If you are one of the offenders, please tell me why you do this. I promise not to judge you. At least not openly.

Invariably, any time I am enjoying a #2 and some cell phone Tetris while at work, someone will come in and disturb my peaceful setting. They march in, sidle up to one of the urinals and get ready to drain the main vein. Here comes the weird part. Before breaking the seal, they flush the toilet and then continue to flush it throughout the entire pee. If the water stops flowing, they hit the lever.

This bothers me for many reasons. One, it is supremely annoying when you are trying to capture a quiet moment away from your desk. Two, it's a total waste of water and that kind of pisses me off. Three, it makes me wonder what in the hell is going on is this dude's kidneys that he can't stand to have his piss in front of him. Is he drinking a lot of coffee? Beer? Paint thinner?

Does it really smell that bad or is it just some weird phobia? (UPDATE: I looked it up after typing that and its called urophobia.Weirdos.) You know what's even weirder? I would totally smell this really stinky pee just to say I did it. Like you wouldn't?

Other men's room pet peeves that I will list in no particular order:

• Guys who undo their whole pant system to use a urinal
• Guys who make a total mess when washing their hands and get the whole place soaked (How does that even happen?).
• Guys who keep sticking their wang through the glory hole even though I did not return the foot tap
• Guys who fart at the urinals

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Broken Escalators

So one of the worst things about riding the DC Metro Rail system to work everyday is that the escalators never, ever work. Now, unfortunately, when escalators stop working they become stairs, and we all know what we have to do when we come to stairs. Walk up them.

Normally, this isn't that big a deal because you are only walking up a 15-foot tall flight of stairs and its a nice bit of exercise. Its still annoying, because I fully expected to be lazy on my way up. Or if I'm feeling particularly spry, I'll trot up the escalator in an attempt to look like I am important and in a hurry.

This pet peeve of mine really hits home when the big escalators go down, which is more often than I am comfortable with. What makes this suck even more is that the Metro system is home to some of the longest escalators in the world.  My particular stop's escalators tops out at under 90 feet, but that's still a lot longer than you may think and it pisses me off to no end to have to walk up them.

The steps are very short and choppy and it makes it difficult to take them two at a time like a stud, so you have to slowly trudge up this long bastard. Sometimes, by the time I get to the top, my knees are aching and my whole day has started off in the toilet.

In one particularly awesome instance, two of the three escalators at my stop were down with the center one going down but blocked off. The far right escalator was jam-packed with people who were trying to walk up it and get to work. As I waited in line to go up the far left escalator, I noticed all of the people on that one had stopped and some were turning around so they could come down the broken escalator and then go back up the other broken one. WTF?

In any event, this lead to 15,000 people going up and down one narrow little escalator and having to walk the entire way. Things almost got really ugly when some hipstery douche with an attitude and a death wish decided to walk down the opposite side of the lone available escalator with two-way traffic. He eventually moved over to the other side because people were yelling at him, which was a good thing. If it had turned into a game of chicken with me, I would have pitched him over the side. My machismo and sense of entitlement would not have allowed me to back down. Then I probably would have had to use my diplomatic immunity to beat a murder rap. I would probably have become a Washington, D.C. folk hero in the process, which, surprisingly enough, I am not yet. I need to work on that.

So in summation, broken escalators = shitty stairs = pissed off Prince. Any questions?

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Automated Telemarketing Calls

So this one is going to be quick because I have never really dealt with this for more than a second. I normally hang up immediately. Also, I really don't want this post to sound like a shitty stand-up comedy routine, but I think I have already lost that battle.

The calls that I am referring to are the telemarketing calls (or even calls from services that you use and and like) where when you pick up the phone, an automated voice informs you that the call is in regard to your Verizon calling plan or whatever and then asks that you wait until a representative is available to talk to you. Then you are supposed to sit and wait until someone has the time to speak with you.

WTF? Why am I on hold? You called me. Maybe wait until there is an actual rep ready before you dial my number.

This is immensely irritating. I just don't get this hands-off approach. I can't imagine spending 8 hours a day calling people on the phone, so I respect that they can do it, but this whole approach has left a bad taste in my mouth.

The really annoying thing is that they keep calling me back. Normally, I wouldn't even pick up the call from such a strange number but it kept coming through. Now that I know what it is, I promise that I will never pick up the phone when they call ever again.

Also, would I be using my minutes while I waited on hold for them to try and convince me to add more minutes to my calling plan? That would not be cool at all.

Has this happened to anyone else before?

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Backwards Sunglasses

This is a pet peeve that I didn't realize I had until it came and smacked me in the face this morning on my daily commute. I don't have a real problem with this like I do with criss-crossed bacon on my burgers, but by now you know me well enough to get the picture.

This is certainly not a good look. I don't think there are any girls out there putting this little thing on their "List" of guy traits. The only real purpose I think it serves is letting people see your expensive Oakley Blades even when its not all that sunny. It might also help guys remember where they put their glasses when they leave the après-softball binge-drinking session. The should still exercise caution though because the force from one too many high-fives might knock the glasses loose and then you are S.O.L., buddy.

But seriously, don't most pants and shorts come with pockets these days? Do most people's pockets just not work? I didn't think there were too many moving parts, so they shouldn't be breaking. Just put the sunglasses in there until the sun comes out from behind the clouds. It will save us all a lot of headaches.

Its not like I'm putting my eyeglasses on the back of my head when I don't need to see things.

My Pet Peeves: Crisscrossed Bacon on My Burgers

WTF, man?

Sometimes people like to ask what you would want as your last meal if you were sitting on death row. A popular answer is steak and lobster or something like that. For the longest time I didn't know what I would want the last taste in my mouth to be. Then one day it hit me. I would want a bacon cheeseburger.

I love bacon cheeseburgers. They may honestly be my favorite food. I could literally eat one everyday if they were good enough. I could probably even do it if they were crappy. As you can imagine I've had my fair share of bacon cheeseburgers over the years and I have discovered one thing about them that really grinds my gears: crisscrossed bacon.

I have no idea what possesses a chef (or cook) to do this. Is it because they would rather I taste the meat? Are they running low on bacon? I don't care about your reasons. Give me more bacon.

Whenever I get a crisscrossed burger, I have to take the overhanging bacon and try and fold it back in so its resting on top of the burger. I shouldn't have to do this, but I do because I don't have any other choice.

I think if you serve a bacon cheeseburger then there should be bacon in every bite. Don't go trying to save my cardiovascular system. If I cared, I wouldn't have ordered a bacon cheeseburger.

Bacon makes everything better, especially burgers. This is just science and you all know better to argue with science. I don't like biting into that baconless dead zone on the burger when I expect to taste crispy, salty manna from heaven.

Here is how a bacon cheeseburger should look.

That'll do, pig.

Not an inch of bare meat. Its perfect.

I'm glad we cleared this up.

My Pet Peeves: Recumbent Bikes

So I'm not some mook who doesn't get these things. I understand the advantages of the aerodynamics and weight distribution. I just think they look really fucking stupid.

I've ridden them in the gym and they are preferable to regular bikes. Its a way cushier ride and its nice to not have a numb ass for several days afterwards even with the butt pad shorts. But I really feel like these should stay in the gym. When you take them outside you get this.

Congratulations! You're an asshole. Nice shirt, by the way.

There is a very similar man who likes to ride his recumbent around the streets near my office. I see him several times a week and every time I see him, it’s like it’s the very first time. I roll my eyes, usually mutter some rude words under my breath and try not to make eye-contact with him.

Just yesterday I saw him and the little devil on my shoulder started giving me some wonderful ideas. Since the steering is under the seat area, the chest is basically exposed. I think an awesome prank would be to throw a water balloon, bag of trash, brick, etc. at the rider's chest while they fly past you. They can't bring their hands up quick enough to stop the impact! It would be hilarious! He would probably start swerving and hit a parked car or something. I would then have to beat feet to avoid an assault charge, but really isn't it worth the effort? I'm a simple man who likes simple pleasures.

As much as a bitch about them now, I can totally see myself buying one of these in my twilight years and riding around my neighborhood in bike shorts. I'll wave and smile while my family tries to disassociate themselves from me. I think it fits into the Clark Griswold-esque life I have in store for me quite nicely.

My Pet Peeves: When the Wait Staff Refills My Iced Tea After a Few Sips

This one really gets my goat. As many of you know, I am a man with a deep appreciation for a glass of iced tea. There might not be a finer drink in all the land, save for the vaunted Arnold Palmer, which is half iced tea anyway.

When given my glass of iced tea at a restaurant I take the time to squeeze the lemon into the glass and then mix in my sweetener (usually one Sweet-n-Lo), making what is for me the perfect drink to go with my meal. As I enjoy my drink, the waiter or waitress is no doubt watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. When maybe one quarter of the glass is gone, they swoop in and refresh the glass leaving me with a funky new glass of iced tea.

I understand that they are just doing their jobs and I appreciate the prompt service. I just wish they wouldn't sometimes. Now I am left trying to reconfigure the iced tea formula to get back to where I was before the flavor was tainted. Its like being an alchemist. Do I add 1/4 of a sweetener to get back to where I was? Then what do I do about the lemon? I don't have any more of that. Ultimately, it never works out and I am left with a imperfect tea until I can finish the whole glass and start from scratch.

I don't take this out on the wait staff or anything like that. They are doing a good job. Its just that I am the weird one. Also, I would never say to them "DO NOT refill my iced tea glass until it is completely empty!" That makes me sound like and super-jerk and I will probably get some of their special sauce in my food.

My method of dealing with this transgression manifests in one of two ways: I drink my iced tea super-fast so they can't catch me mid-glass or I just grumble silently to myself. Another method which works sometimes is to keep the glass as far away from the wait staff as possible. This normally works in a booth or against a wall. I can shield the glass from harm and then bring it out when I am ready for more. Like I said this only works some of the time. More often than not I get caught and my glass is refilled.

No don't get me wrong. I realize that this is probably not normal, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm a bit weird. This has even turned into a mild family joke. When my glass gets caught out in the open, my family giggles while I politely steam and then mutter an insincere "Thank you."

Does this bother anyone else or am I just a freak?

My Pet Peeves: "For All Intensive Purposes..."

This was the first image to come up on a Google image search of "for all intensive purposes." I guess the phrase made the dude who posted it sooooooo mad he had to snap a pencil!

I was reminded of this pet peeve the other day while watching the local news at 5 o'clock. I can't remember the particular story, it wasn't all that interesting. What stuck with me was the contributing TV personality's use of the phrase "For all intensive purposes."

Maybe I'm overreacting but this one pisses me off so much. Like a really lot. But don't worry. I'm not going to snap any pencils in two. Your pencils are safe. I guess because I studied writing and communications for many, many moons I'm particularly sensitive to this. That phrase is 100% incorrect. The correct phrase is "For all intents and purposes."

When you say "intensive purposes" you are referring to purposes you may have that are particularly intense, which makes no fucking sense at all.

I think what made me so mad when I heard this was that it was coming from a trained journalist. This is someone who has studied the English language and the various ways to use it to convey information. He should know better.

If you have used the incorrect phrase in the past, don't worry. Just fix that shit now and never use it again. Its the only way you can be assured of escaping the grammar police, of which I am now the Commissioner. If you use it in front of me I might yell at you or laugh at you because I am an elitist prick with a useless liberal arts degree.

That is all.

My Pet Peeves: Watches Without Bandkeepers

This one really drives me nuts and there isn't much of a good reason for it. I'm referring to the little things on watches that you slide over the excess band to keep it from flapping around.


It makes me crazy when I see someone without it engaged on their watch. I understand that sometimes it can't be helped. Occasionally these things will break. But to me that is no excuse. I've been wearing the same watch for over five years and when my keeper ripped I promptly ordered a new band online. The watch was still good. In the interim, I used one of my sister's hair bands to hold it in place.


For some odd reason, I was afraid my watch would somehow come loose and fall off without the keeper in place. I still have nightmares about it.


Now for the visual aids:

Correct use of a watchband keeper.

Incorrect use! Gross! (Please note that I simply moved my keeper along the watchband until it was out of the shot. I do not and will not ever own a watch that has no keeper on it. Unless the watch has a metal bracelet to it. Those are different.)

This little post is probably painting me in a very negative light. But really its important for you to know. I'm very weird. I always have been. If you don't know this yet its because I hide it so well.


Beneath this ultra-cool exterior is an odd, anal-retentive geek who like his watch securely fastened and his comics bagged and boarded. That probably isn't all that surprising really.

My Pet Peeves: Walking with People You Don't Know

So this is one that really pisses me off. I get totally bent out of shape when it happens because it is so damn awkward.

What I'm referring to is when you are walking towards something (probably a door) when someone else takes a similar path to the same place and you end up walking shoulder to shoulder with someone.

You might not always be close, but it is clearly obvious that you are going to the same place and you are walking about even with one another. What the hell do you do? Its infuriating to me.

The reason I'm so passionate about this is because it happened to me the other day. I was walking from my car into REI when a woman from a car parked closer to the store started to leave her car and make her way to the door. She was moving slow enough that we were on a total intercept course. I saw the whole thing play out in my head and I knew it would be weird and terrible like usual, and then the tiny little pit of annoyance began to grow in my stomach.

But here is where my genius becomes apparent. I muttered "Oh man, my wallet!" loud enough to be heard, made a frustrated turn back towards my car and then went an opened the door. I totally had my wallet so I just stuck my head in the car and pretended to be looking for something. Then I grabbed a piece of gum and after checking that no one else was walking towards the store proceeded inside and made my purchases.

The funny thing is, if the person is a little in front or a little in back of you then its not that bad. In that instance you usually have the polite small talk when you hold the door or the door is held for you. Its just that one-in-a-million shot when they are traveling on a parallel course that unnerves me.

Is it just me? Am I weirder than I thought? Has this even happened to any of you guys before?

Anyway, it totally bothers me and is now immortalized on my blog.

My Pet Peeves: Women Mowing the Lawn

I think a great way to get to know someone is to learn all about the things he or she hates. At the very least its a great way to get to know someone like me, whose heart is so full of hatred. I've decided to share the things that really get under my skin. I think this could be therapeutic for me and fun for you. We could be here a while.

First up, I really really HATE when I see women mowing the lawn. I experience complete revulsion when I witness this. Its a feeling that I really can't describe. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I liken it to seeing my mother naked or watching a dog and cat have sex.

I've felt this way for as long as I have remembered. Is this based in some rudimentary sexist ideal? Probably. Do I think women are incapable of mowing the lawn. Not at all. Its not some weaker sex thing in any way at all. Its just weird to me.

In fact, I think this is the kind of the sexism that most women could get behind. I can't think of a single woman I know who would insist on mowing the lawn if I offered to take over.

I just can't take it. If I saw this in real life, I would pull over and finish the job for her.

Maybe this is just weird of me. I know its weird of me, but is it inherently wrong? I would love to hear your thoughts. Am I a sexist prick or a total sweetheart?