Saturday, November 28, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Why I Stayed Home on Black Friday

This is why you will never see me out shopping at Black Friday sales. I start white-knuckling it at Wal-Mart on a Tuesday night if it gets too crowded, so there is no way I could handle something like this.

I don't get why people would subject themselves to stuff like this. And please don't say the bargains. I would rather pay $50 more for a present and have the peace of mind I get from not having to deal with shit like that.

That was the closest I've ever come to becoming physically ill while watching a video. And I have seen some really sick shit.

This whole post has made me queasy. I like shopping online.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things I'm Thankful For: MTV's Jersey Shore

It seems only fitting that on this day I take some time to give thanks for some of the more wonderful things the world has provided.

Normally I avoid New Jersey and all things associated with it like the plague, but in this instance I believe I will tune in. I don't think I need to explain why.

Apparently, an Italian-American group is already calling for the show to be cancelled because it paints Italian-Americans in a bad light. I contend that the show merely paints these Italian-Americans in a bad light. I'm an Italian-American and I don't think anyone is going to look at me and think I spent any time on the Jersey Shore. So please don't group me in with these assholes just because my name makes me sound like I own a fruit cart or pizzeria.

I think this was the same group that protested The Sopranos, while the rest of the Italian-American community was making up mob stories to tell non-guidos, so I wouldn't worry too much about this show getting yanked before its December 3 premiere date.

The Prince's Jackass Moment of the Week: Everytime I Watch Armageddon...

It kind of seems criminal to just pick one jackass moment for the week. There are so many to choose from, but I think this one really takes the damn cake.

So I just got finished watching the totally awesome studio popcorn flick Armageddon on cable. Its a product of a giant studio machine and probably has no redeeming social value, but damned if I don't love that movie.

Its not watching the movie that makes me a jackass, although its pretty close. Its the fact that I cry every time I see it. After the team draws straws, Harry (Bruce Willis) takes A.J. (Ben Affleck) down to the surface of the asteroid so he can detonate the nuke while the rest of the crew takes the shuttle to safety. A.J. drew the short straw and must make the noble sacrifice. Only Harry has other ideas and yanks out A.J.'s air hose at the last second so he can switch places with him. At this point, they get into the part of the dialogue where the tough male exteriors fade away and the two stubborn men get down to the root of their issues.

Harry has always thought of A.J. as a son, which is why he has always pushed him and given him a hard time. Meanwhile, A.J. has always loved Harry like a father, which is why he would always defy him and assert his own independence. Here in their last moments together, the two men are finally free to tell each other how they feel. Its a moment that is both sad and happy, and quite poignant in my mind.

A.J. protests that this was his job. Harry responds that his job now is to take care of his little girl (Liv Tyler). As the glass elevator takes A.J. back into the shuttle and to safety, A.J. screams that he loves Harry, while the brave father turns and begins to make the ultimate sacrifice.

As you can guess, I am sobbing like a baby at this point. Its the whole stubborn male love angle that is very easy for men to identify with. Most men probably don't cry when they see this, but I'm not like most men. I'm super-sweet and sensitive. If you have a problem with that you can eat my asshole.

Then they get to the part where Harry addresses his daughter, Grace. Its not enough for them to go for the throat with the man-man father-son love, so now they wheel out the father-daughter moment to nail the chicks watching the movie. Harry talks about breaking his promise to come home to his daughter and Grace apologizes to her dad for saying she wants to be nothing like him. Grace now realizes that all of the best things about her are from her dad. Cue the waterworks again.

There are a bunch of other little moments that are designed to tug at your heartstrings and I won't go into them here. Just watch this American cinema classic for yourself and you'll figure out which ones I'm talking about.

The film's credit sequence culminates in the most perfect church ever for the wedding of A.J. and Grace, accompanied by Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." On the altar there are photos of their fallen friends and everyone is pretty happy that they still have an Earth to live on and life is basically a celebration and shit. At this point my tears have stopped and I am jubilant like the rest of the people in the movie. It rocks.

I think it would be pretty boss to have pictures of Bruce Willis and Owen Wilson in space suits on the altar when you get married. I plan on doing this. The wife can have everything else she wants or the wedding. I will offer no resistance on anything. I just want the pictures on the alter and probably the Aerosmith tune playing to really sell it. Hopefully people will get the joke.

I also want to have a version of this poster made up with my photo and name on it. It will be plastered all over the church and will be totally bad-ass.

I think you could do worse than an Armageddon-themed wedding. I guarantee it will move me to tears.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Can I Adopt Him?

Holy shit! This is the baddest little kid I have ever seen. All the other little turds are running around with no idea what they are doing while my man man Nyrell Sevilla is pursuing the play and getting ready to drop the hammer.

I've watched this video like 12 times and it just gets better. I like how jacked some of the dad's get when the other six-year-olds get laid out. I think the best thing you can do is just pray that he doesn't unload on your kid.

I'm still trying to decide if he is just a super-talented athlete or if he's got a lot of misplaced anger for a six-year-old. I figure it would take a little while longer for that sort of stuff to soak in and take effect. I think he might be pulling a Chris Spielman. That guy would sit in the locker room before NFL games and think about his family getting raped and murdered to jack himself up. Some people said it would get so bad that he would be crying when he took the field and then try to kill anyone that came near him.

Nyrell Sevilla even sounds like a bad ass linebacker. I bet he goes to USC and wears #55. He's got 12 years to go, but I bet coaches are already showing up at his door with xBoxes and hookers.

I'm seriously enamored with this kid. For all the dude readers: can you imagine if that was your son? How proud would you be? I would literally give him anything he wanted. And I would totally live vicariously through him. How can you not?

That six-year-old is more of a man than I am.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Muppets Do Queen!

So normally I see a video and I think "I bet people would enjoy this if I post it on the blog." Then every now and again I find something that makes me so excited that I literally can't type fast enough to post it. This is one of those videos, which is kind of sweet if you really think about it, but mostly sad.

I love the Muppets. I always have and I think I always will. The Muppets are just funny. And its not like some kid's show is funny. From the beginning these guys have been about all-ages laughs and they have always delivered in my book. Its yet another one of my charming little quirks. If you don't like it, go to hell.

Anyway, the video has a good mix of old and new Muppets and the song goes into the big finish with the Showstopper, the greatest Muppet of all time, who will remain nameless as to not spoil the video. Like any of you care.

Anyway, watch the damn thing. It made me giggle 'til my eyes were watering.

This Weekend I Took in an American Football Contest

As I have mentioned before, it behooves a nobleman to mingle with the common folk from time to time. After all we're not completely superior to normal people. Just mostly. With that spirit in mind, my father the King and I attended the Baltimore Ravens game versus the vaunted Indianapolis Colts.

I won't bore you with my theories on why the Ravens lost because, quite frankly, my football IQ trumps yours, but I will tell you all about the clowns I saw at the game. As you can imagine, any time thousands of Baltimorians are drawn to one central location, you can expect some loons to slip through the security cordons and this day was no different.

From my limited view of the crowd from the expensive seats I saw a ton of jokers walking around. I think my favorites have to be the people who buy the team jersey and then put their own clever name on the back. If you have seen this before than you know I am being very generous when I say "clever." Mostly because they aren't.

In front of me was a couple dressed to the nines in Ravens gear. The lady decided to go all out with a purple wig and Mardi Gras beads and a bunch of other useless shit. Her jersey read "Purple Dame" across the back. I'm not sure if she was inducted into any of the various English Orders, but I doubt it. Her husband seemed to be called "Big Daddy" so I think maybe it was just something they whipped up.

The lamest jersey name of the day had to be the guy to my right who had a Ray Lewis jersey complete with the name "Off the Hook" on the back. What an ass. Another highlight was the pleasant gentleman a few rows in front of us with the hat that read "Secession" across the back. Isn't that a sweet sentiment? He also stood for the National Anthem, which was a little surprising since he apparently wants to leave the Union.

After we tired of the riffraff, we made our way up to my father's friend's skybox. My father was warned ahead of time to not bring the wife because of the serving wench employed in the skybox. Word around the campfire was that she wears a tiny little referee's uniform. Oh how randy of them!

Even armed with this warning I was not prepared for what greeted me. I assumed it would be a nice young girl in a tight referee outfit. I was right about that, but I still couldn't have been more wrong. What we saw upon entering the room was the shortest skirt I have seen on a woman outside of a porno and two giant mounds of strippery boob action barely contained in a zip-up ref costume. In short, these guys really know how to party.

Since she was being manhandled the entire time by the gentleman in the skybox, I tried my best to be polite (totally not baller by the way!) and keep my eyes above the neck as much as I could. This turned out to be fucking impossible and I spent the entire second half of the game staring at her wonderful rack trying desperately to keep from motorboating her. At one point she even mashed her boobs into my arm while trying to get past me (Ebow!).

All in all it was a very enjoyable way to watch the game, once I remembered that there was a game going on. I intend to buy out the club level of the stadium for next season and make it into my own Roman-style orgy party a la Caligula and make Lisa, the sexy referee, the head concubine. You guys are all welcome to come and visit. Maybe the Ravens will make a better run for the playoffs.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Prince's Word of the Day: Billingsgate

This one is a tricky little devil. I did not know it existed until I saw the e-mail this morning. Once again, the word is too cute by half.

Billingsgate is defined as "coarsely abusive, foul or profane language." Basically its shit talk. The kind you will hear while taking a leisurely stroll down any street in my humble little duchy. The name comes from a famed London market that was known for its fish and, apparently, verbal abuse.

My main question is how does a market get to be so popular when all the people working there are screaming profanities at you? It doesn't add up. That's why people like farmer's markets so much. Its nice and quiet and the people are usually pleasant and earthy. But this is the kind of earthy you like to associate with. Not the salt-of-the-earthy type of fisherman who will berate you if you inquire as to whether the tuna steaks were line-caught.

I guess a market like Billingsgate does have some cache to it. I saw on the Travel Channel that there was this joint in Chicago (I think) where people go after the bars let out. The people that work there have worked out a unique system for dealing with drunks. They just throw billingsgate at them while they're ordering in a preemptive strike. From what I saw it was really quite popular. The patrons show up and call the women working there bitches and stuff while ordering hot dogs. It's all in good fun though. As an added bonus, if you fill the special tip jar the one lady working there does something that they can't show on basic cable. I think it had to do with boobs.

I'm not sure that I would have frequented Billingsgate if I were a Londoner. I guess it depends on the freshness of the fish and the prices. Sometimes I just want to buy fish without leaving the market feeling worse about myself than when I went in. It doesn't seem like a place to take the kids. You've got to wonder about these guys. If they talk like longshoremen in public, what else would they do? Maybe slit your throat. Or maybe shanghai you onto their boat.

I don't think anyone wants to contemplate white slavery when they're picking out swordfish steaks for their BBQ.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: A Very Special Raven Wedding

Normally when you see something like this it features a cheesehead from Wisconsin or one of those damn yinzers from Pittsburgh. I guess the statistics were stacked against us from the beginning though.

Do you think that they both really bleed purple or is it maybe like 70-30? 80-20? 90-10? 100-0? I'm wondering what the guy had to trade to get the lady to agree to that. Probably all his porn forever. Not a good trade-off in my opinion.

My other problem is that they didn't really sell it for me. The Ray Lewis dance was filled with trepidation. I don't think his heart was in it. At the very least get them to play the Nelly tune so you can get your mind right for the entrance.

But I guess I should just count my blessings and be thankful that no one had on a Roethlisberger or Brady jersey.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: New Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis

If you have not seen this series before then you are in for a treat.

I think Zach Galifianakis is one of the funniest comedians out there right now. No one will deny that he was a scene-stealer in The Hangover, but he has been plying his comedy for years and this little series is one of his best ideas.

He elevates awkward (and oftentimes combative) conversation to new heights and has interviewed tons of cool people, including my man-crush Jon Hamm, straight-crush Charlize Theron and hipster-crush Michael Cera.

Check them out if you get the chance. They are a lot funnier than anything I'm going to come up with.

WWII in HD is On!

So I have basically spent the entire week (only three days at this point) with an enormous nerd boner. The History Channel began airing its WWII in HD and it is the tits, as I suspected.

In an earlier post I mentioned that the series contains never-before-seen color footage from the war that was unearthed during a two-year global search. My hats off to these guys because they turned up some cool shit. The actors voicing the younger soldiers are also pretty cool. I wasn't sure how this would turn out but its working nicely (its mostly guys like Ron Livingston and Steve Zahn doing Southern accents). Its also probably way better than having the 80-year-olds do their own voice work. Those guys are still pretty cool though.

Mostly the episodes just show freaking carnage. We've seen a ton of battles in the Pacific theater, which mostly means you see a lot of dead Japanese soldiers. I also just got to see Marines practicing hand-to-hand combat in the Phillipines. There has also been a lot of footage of the air battles over Europe. As you can imagine I am geeking out hardcore.

The show can be pretty disturbing though. As I mentioned before, there was a lot of footage of the dead Japanese soldiers and that got pretty gruesome. The worst thing thus far came in the first episode, before the U.S. even entered the war. They managed to find footage of the Nazi occupation in Hungary. In this one instance the Nazi soldiers selected 36 Serbs from a crowd and hung them from a tree in retaliation for a shooting the night before. It was f-ed up.

Right now, I'm watching the Allies roll through France on their way to Germany. The show airs two new hours each night with tons of reruns of the earlier episodes so its not too late to catch up. Its worth checking out if you are a history buff like myself. I'll be watching this and then probably the finest WWII movies for the rest of the week.

Thanks for letting me geek out. I now return you to your regularly scheduled dick jokes.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Newscaster Murdered!

I got nothing.

Australians Eat Weird Shit

So I saw this on my favorite little burger blog and it made me happy. If I don't have pleasant dreams sleeping on a burger then I'm just not meant to have pleasant dreams. Then I took a closer look at this thing and noticed some unusual colors.

In the product description, the pillow is described as an "Australian burger" with the burger itself, cheese, lettuce, tomato, tomato sauce (hopefully ketchup), beetroot (WTF?) and pineapple (huh?). I think I'll pass on your retarded burger pillow, thank you very much.

I'll admit that I have put pineapple on a burger before but not with ketchup and beets (I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around that one). My burger with pineapple featured a teriyaki marinade, swiss cheese, grilled ham and then the pineapple ring, which was also grilled. I'll give you a minute to absorb all of that and then commend me for my culinary genius.

So anyway, Australian burgers are batshit insane and I think you are all a little better off knowing that.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Good News, Bad News, Better News

First, the good news: Desiree Jennings, the Redskins Cheerleader Ambassador who contracted the rare neurological disorder known as dystonia has made a remarkable recovery and seems to be doing fine.

The bad news: she was cured by a man who has been in tons of trouble with his own medical board and has been known to inject piss into his patients as a way to cure them. In short, we are all probably a bunch of assholes for going along with this whole thing. Apparently she was cured through a detoxification process, which got rid of all those pesky toxins found in the flu vaccine. I'm still trying to figure that one out. The blog Respectful Insolence has an account of everything so check that out for all the dirt.

Now the better news: I can FINALLY post this damn thing on my page!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Boy Band

So I like this little video theft feature for two reasons: 1. I'm kind of lazy and don't really feel like coming up with stuff to write and b. Most of the videos I find are funnier than any of the things I would come up with anyway.

Case in point. This is a comedy team called Derrick Comedy, which features Donald Glover, better known as Troy from Community, one of my favorite new shows on television.

They put out this new clip to support their upcoming movie Mystery Team, but I think the gold is right here. In the video, the guys are a new boy band called the Young Fuckables, brought together to appeal to the pedophile demographic. I think you might dig it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Dick Towel!

I'm not sure how many of you watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night, but as always it was fantastic. One of the best gags of the night was Mac's invention of the Dick Towel, which had me rolling but also reaching for my wallet. As it turns out, the web page they advertise is very real and apparently sells the product for $19.95.

It also boasts a nice little commercial featuring the product and the music of C&C Music Factory, so you can see it without the black bars they aired on FX. Check it out here:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I Just Got Back from Seeing Paranormal Activity...

... and am happy to report that The Prince is made of much sterner stuff than the clowns that the were shooting with the night-vision cameras for the TV commercials.

In fact, if they had filmed me with the night-vision cameras all they would have got was me craning my neck in some silly attempt to get a better glimpse of the lead actress's boobs. They would have also got some approving glances from me as well as one nose pick. Maybe. I was super-stealthy about it.

But I digress. I now have a little crush on Katie Featherston. I thought she was super-cute in the movie and there was a lot of scoop necks going on, which only added to my enjoyment. She kind of looks like Pam from The Office but with darker hair and more thickness. Strangely enough, if you asked me what I would do to Pam from The Office to make her hotter I would say "Make her hair darker and add on some thickness." So Katie is aces in my book. I hope we see more of her than we did of the chick from The Blair Witch Project. I don't think anyone really wanted to see more of her. She was a pain in the ass.

All in all, the movie was very cool. I dug the cinema verite approach and think the realistic presentation of a haunting did quite a bit towards making it scarier for the audiences. I don't, however, think that the movie will alter my psyche and give me nightmares like the poster suggested.

The scary parts were very well done. For the most part, the filmmakers were subtle and did not show things in the way that most horror films do. At no point do we see a giant demon running around the house. The most you get is shadows on the wall and it works nicely.

As an added perk, my name will now be featured on the DVD of Paranormal Activity because I was one of the dudes who demanded the movie be shown near me. Now my devotion will be immortalized.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kristen Wiig Reads the Poetry of Suzanne Sommers

I think you all know how I feel about Kristen Wiig. She's one of the best to come out of Saturday Night Live in a long time and I'm not ashamed to admit a little crush on her.

This video of her has to be one of the best I've ever seen. This was filmed at the opening of a comedy festival and features my girlfriend reading the poetry of Step by Step's Suzanne Sommers. Its pretty damn ridiculous what Suzanne comes up with while plumbing the depths of her very soul, making for some very easy laughs.

I think each of you will grow a little after watching this.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Mambo Dog!

I decided to drop this guy in because my sister loses her shit when dogs dress like people and walk around on their hind legs. Its high comedy in our household and it probably should be in yours too.

Party Pizza!

In the battle for my heart, frozen pizzas will always be a contender. Mama Celeste may have been my steady back in the day, but I was always willing to step out on her with Totino's Party Pizza. While both are basically cardboard crust and what passes in the industrial agricultural complex as tomato sauce, I will eat the shit out of these things any day of the week. Its ingrained in me.

I typically ate Mama Celeste (and still do) because it only takes four minutes in the microwave. Totino's was a different story. You had to preheat the oven and then bake it for like 15 minutes, which was unacceptable in most situations for me. I would eat them every once in a while and had very fond memories of those lonely little meals.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw a freezer full of these party treats at my local Wal-Mart. Normally, that place has me white-knuckled in a matter of minutes, but on this day I was lured in by cheap socks and the Transformers 2 DVD. As a child I had no concept of the money spent on my food and drink, so I did a double take when I saw that Totino's pizzas were only $1.25! What the fuck? Were they free when I was 8 years-old? Did inflation not touch the frozen pizza market? Brushing these questions aside, I grabbed a few a ran like the wind back home to pop one in the oven.

I initially decided to eat the Combination pizza, which features an approximation of sausage and what the box referred to as "pizza topping with pepperoni seasoning." Don't fret though, it also said that the topping was made with beef, chicken and pork, so I figured it was legit.

I preheated the oven to 450 degrees and then popped her in for 12 minutes. What emerged from the oven was the stuff dreams are made of.

So glorious! The pizza had an awesome crisp crust with bubbles or something on the bottom, just like I remembered. The "pizza topping" (do you remember the little pepperoni chunks rather than the slices?) was as rad as always and the sausage was just kind of there.

Next time, I may step things up and buy the Classic Pepperoni variety, which eschews the chunks of topping in favor of slices of the real deal. I'm moving up in the world!

In summation, I love these damn things. Do yourself a favor and get some crappy pizzas so you can relive your youth. Its also nice to know that at $1.25 you can eat pretty good while scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

Also, if you are lucky you could win a trip to travel on the Dew Tour and get mega-extreme with the finest snowboarders and ne'er-do-wells the country has to offer.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Christopher Walken Reads Lady GaGa!

I decided to post this because Christopher Walken is probably one of the weirdest men in all of the celebrity world and I really dig that. I think he and I would get along. In fact, I think I would be a better man for knowing him.

I also really like that he is perfectly willing to make fun of himself. Its like he has no ego. He is constantly poking fun at himself on Saturday Night Live and he even played John Travolta's husband in Hairspray. Christopher Walken is the shaman of our global village.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Charlie Day!

This little video features the most intense moments from everyone's favorite character from the greatest show on TV, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Its mostly Charlie Day screaming at people. Highlights include Charlie going America over everyone's asses, Charlie salting Gail the Snail, Charlie on a trash heap with a scimitar and Charlie as Serpico. I wish they would have added Charlie wretching while attempting stand-up comedy but who am I to complain. This little best-of clip is a wonderful gift in itself.

Since I love you so much here is another clip of Charlie dancing for five minutes. If the creator of the videos is reading this, I think we could also use a collection of Mac doing karate or Dennis popping off his shirt.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Little Cup

This little video comes courtesy of my main doo-doo stain, Big Mike, the undisputed King of New York despite anything Christopher Walken or any East Coast rapper might say.

Like Hooters, this video is delightfully tacky and unrefined. It comes from Australia (shocker), which I think has taken the lead as the trailer park of the civilized world. I mean that in the nicest way possible. These people just don't seem to give a fuck and I love them for it.

If any other developed country held something like this it would have taken on that creepy pony-boy fetish vibe. In undeveloped countries it would be kind of depressing and probably hint at some form of civil rights abuse. In summation, I'm glad the Aussies did this and not, say, the Germans or Afghanis.

I really wish they "mounts" would have dressed up like horses AS PROMISED! What the hell, man? You don't tease with something like that and then cut to a dude in jorts. Also, the little jockeys should have had riding crops and used them liberally.