Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Prince's Jackass Moment of the Week: Everytime I Watch Armageddon...

It kind of seems criminal to just pick one jackass moment for the week. There are so many to choose from, but I think this one really takes the damn cake.

So I just got finished watching the totally awesome studio popcorn flick Armageddon on cable. Its a product of a giant studio machine and probably has no redeeming social value, but damned if I don't love that movie.

Its not watching the movie that makes me a jackass, although its pretty close. Its the fact that I cry every time I see it. After the team draws straws, Harry (Bruce Willis) takes A.J. (Ben Affleck) down to the surface of the asteroid so he can detonate the nuke while the rest of the crew takes the shuttle to safety. A.J. drew the short straw and must make the noble sacrifice. Only Harry has other ideas and yanks out A.J.'s air hose at the last second so he can switch places with him. At this point, they get into the part of the dialogue where the tough male exteriors fade away and the two stubborn men get down to the root of their issues.

Harry has always thought of A.J. as a son, which is why he has always pushed him and given him a hard time. Meanwhile, A.J. has always loved Harry like a father, which is why he would always defy him and assert his own independence. Here in their last moments together, the two men are finally free to tell each other how they feel. Its a moment that is both sad and happy, and quite poignant in my mind.

A.J. protests that this was his job. Harry responds that his job now is to take care of his little girl (Liv Tyler). As the glass elevator takes A.J. back into the shuttle and to safety, A.J. screams that he loves Harry, while the brave father turns and begins to make the ultimate sacrifice.

As you can guess, I am sobbing like a baby at this point. Its the whole stubborn male love angle that is very easy for men to identify with. Most men probably don't cry when they see this, but I'm not like most men. I'm super-sweet and sensitive. If you have a problem with that you can eat my asshole.

Then they get to the part where Harry addresses his daughter, Grace. Its not enough for them to go for the throat with the man-man father-son love, so now they wheel out the father-daughter moment to nail the chicks watching the movie. Harry talks about breaking his promise to come home to his daughter and Grace apologizes to her dad for saying she wants to be nothing like him. Grace now realizes that all of the best things about her are from her dad. Cue the waterworks again.

There are a bunch of other little moments that are designed to tug at your heartstrings and I won't go into them here. Just watch this American cinema classic for yourself and you'll figure out which ones I'm talking about.

The film's credit sequence culminates in the most perfect church ever for the wedding of A.J. and Grace, accompanied by Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." On the altar there are photos of their fallen friends and everyone is pretty happy that they still have an Earth to live on and life is basically a celebration and shit. At this point my tears have stopped and I am jubilant like the rest of the people in the movie. It rocks.

I think it would be pretty boss to have pictures of Bruce Willis and Owen Wilson in space suits on the altar when you get married. I plan on doing this. The wife can have everything else she wants or the wedding. I will offer no resistance on anything. I just want the pictures on the alter and probably the Aerosmith tune playing to really sell it. Hopefully people will get the joke.

I also want to have a version of this poster made up with my photo and name on it. It will be plastered all over the church and will be totally bad-ass.

I think you could do worse than an Armageddon-themed wedding. I guarantee it will move me to tears.


  1. i know you guys think of me as this cold-hearted thuggish kind of dude. Marley and Me, Best of the Best and Remember the Titans did it for me

  2. I really have always thought of you as a real thug, but I knew that you cried at Best of the Best. You know what else made me cry recently? Up. That was the sweetest little story ever.