Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Another Example of Why Japan Makes the Finest TV Programs in the World

So I don't know what's going on here but I sure as hell like it. I'm not sure if this is some kind of game show or what but it has a chimp in overalls walking a pack of bulldogs to a bakery to (presumably) pick up their master's cake. Also the chimp fondles the penis on a naked statue. I won't spoil anything but a hawk tried to ruin everyone's cake party. You'll have to watch to the end to see what happens.

I really like the concerned looks of the people in the picture-in-picture box. They are right there with the monkey on his odyssey and they wouldn't have it any other way.

I have some questions that I would like to pose to you readers. Do you think the bulldogs know that the chimp is not human? Can they tell the difference between a man and an ape? Does it make any difference to them anyway? I wonder how far down the evolutionary ladder you have to go before the bulldogs are like "Screw you, man! I'm not letting you walk me."

Just some food for thought.

I think this is probably the most compelling reason I have ever found to learn another language.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I Managed to Make it Through Christmas Without Hearing "The Christmas Shoes!"

Now maybe I am just shooting my mouth off and damning myself to an endless cycle of this song for the rest of the holiday season, but I am pretty jacked that I managed to avoid it so far. This includes several hours of holiday radio with nary a mention of that horrid, horrid tune. Its so treacly and annoying and it really just pisses me off. The Christian group Newsong has managed to do something I didn't think was possible: hate during the holidays.

Now before you think I am devoid of sentiment, I'd like to point out that emotion has nothing to do with it. This song is a crock of bullshit. I think it was written to exploit emotion during the holiday season.

For those who don't know what this song is about, it details the last minute shopping of a man caught up in the rush and not really feeling the holiday spirit. In front of him in the check out line, a young boy tries to buy a pair of women's shoes but doesn't have enough money. The boy then tells anyone who will listen that he is buying these shoes for his mother so that she can look pretty for when she meets Jesus (i.e., dies). The man is so moved by this young boy and the true meaning of Christmas that he buys the shoes and then writes a damn song about it so everyone can know how selfless he is. Dick.

Now maybe this really happened to one of the guys in the band. If so, and he can produce receipts and a death certificate, then I will take all of this back. But I really don't see any of that happening, so lets move on.

I'm as sentimental as the next guy. Probably way more so, actually. I caught myself getting a little misty during Fred Claus the other night. But this song will have nothing but my undying hate until I shuffle off this mortal coil. Its like the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition of Christmas music. Do you remember when that show first came on and they actually showed how they built the houses and helped people? Then it turned into and hour-long commercial for Sears where Ty Pennington gets to speak softly into and build beach houses for families of lepers.

At first that show was great. They were helping people but not shoving it down your throat. You could watch the show and feel good because that was the natural reaction to the situation. Now they just force a tube down your throat and pour in their saccharine, feel-good propaganda (sorry to get all Gen-X blogger on you there).

The same thing applies to "The Christmas Shoes." They actually wrote a novel around this song and made a movie about it starring Rob Lowe. What the hell?

I say, let the people take away what they will from a song without forcing an agenda. I'm sure there are people that tear up during "The Christmas Song" or Elvis' wonderful "Blue Christmas." Either way, those classics stand on their own merits and they don't rely on some contrived situation to try and build a following. Those songs are universal.

I'm hopeful that the absence of "The Christmas Shoes" marks a trend away from bullshit sentimentality. If not I have the remedy. Next holiday season, I plan to really push this song to the forefront of the holiday music scene.

PS If "The Christmas Shoes" is totally your jam, then I am sorry for attempting to rip it a new one. Enjoy it if you will, just don't play it around me.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The REAL Situation

As much as I enjoy this show, I almost can't wait for it to be over so I can write about something else for a change. Its tough being a slave to the will of the people.

Anywho, this is a fun little video featuring some of the cast from Jersey Shore, but its not hard to see who the star is. I'm really starting to like The Situation. He's riding this thing until the wheels fall off and he has a great sense of humor about the whole thing. I think he went from one of the most hated men in America to an alright guy.

None of these people seem quite as douchey as they first did on the show. It looks like MTV has opened all of our eyes and taught us a very valuable lesson about not judging people until you get to know them. All of which is a very pleasant relief from there normal fare of Real World/Road Rules shows with retarded in-fighting and sub-par America's Best Dance Crew teams.

I think they kind of owed us one.

Happy Holidays!

As a sexy Italian-American (as well as Polish and German) today marks the beginning og my family's Christmas celebration. Soon I will exchange presents with my sister and then later we will sit down for our Christmas dinner, which is essentially a repeat of Thanksgiving because we like that meal so much.

In any event, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and a Happy Belated Chanukah to my friends of the Jewish persuasion. Enjoy your Chinese food and movies tomorrow.

May all of our holiday celebrations be as rad as this picture above.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So This is Good News...

The Internets are abuzz with hot news out of Hollywood! Apparently, everyone's favorite guidette, Snooki, lost her receptionist's job after her trip west to appear on Conan O'Brien's show with The Situation. So, like every other MTV reality star, she has decided to go the public appearance route and can be hired out for bars, car dealerships, birthday parties, etc. for the pittance of $2,000 an hour!

I think this would be an excellent birthday party surprise. Can you imagine having Snooki jump out of your cake? That would be awesome as long as she didn't get any self-tanner on it. Hopefully she'll do one of those sweet cartwheels and flash her camel toe to the entire party. That would rank as a pretty excellent birthday party.

As for how long you would want her for, I think an hour is probably perfect. Any more and you probably get bored with her. Or more accurately, annoyed. This is probably one of those situations where the reality is way less than what you have created in your mind. I bet she shows up acting like hot shit and sits in a corner drinking all your Grey Goose. Its not like she has a floor show planned or anything.

Still, it might be fun. I would probably pay twice as much for The Situation. It would be worth it to watch him hit on all my lady friends.

Friday, December 18, 2009

My New Favorite Upcoming Movie: Hot Tub Time Machine

So what do you get when you combine a old-school ski movie, a retarded premise and a great cast of actors? Probably one of the best looking trailers I've seen since Black Dynamite popped up. I am kind of stoked for this movie.

Rob Corddry and Craig Robinson are always funny, and I really liked the kid Clark Duke in the surprisingly good Sex Drive. John Cusack is John Cusack, but he seems like the only question mark. Its like he's slumming or something. Or maybe the script was just that good! That's what I'm hoping for so that's what I'm going to tell people.

In any event, the movie blends a lot of rad elements and has me flashing back to Dean Cameron's hilarious turn as Dave Marshak in 1991's Ski School. You've got skiing, excessive partying, sex and dudes just being dudes. Hopefully we will get some full-frontal nudity too.

Looks like a recipe for success!

MTV Does Not Air the Punch Heard 'Round the World

So for once, MTV took the high road and opted not to air the footage of Snooki getting dropped like a bad habit. Instead they cut away to a black screen and then showed the aftermath with her friends and roommates going after the dude and the cop slamming him onto the hood of the car and saying very dramatically "You're going to jail!" Meanwhile Snooki was on the ground crying because, let's be honest, she took a shot to the face. She was worried that she had some teeth knocked out. She did not.

Despite all my bluster before, she really didn't deserve to get hit at all. The dude was way out of line. He was really drunk and kept stealing the crew's drinks. He's lucky that Ronnie and The Situation didn't get their hands on him. That cop got there really quick.
After the episode, MTV aired a message decrying violence against women and gave some info about women's organizations and stuff, which is the right move, but is not going to get the kids excited about heading to the Shore.

Despite this, the episode was my favorite so far. It showed Pauly D and The Situation working two sets of girls at the club and then ditching the set they took home for the other set that showed up at the house. It was awesome to watch them maneuver. Pauly D took one for the team so The Situation could hook-up and dealt with the pissy, ugly girlfriend who was referred to on the program as"The Grenade," as in "falling on." That was really embarrassing for the girl, but she was a c-block all night, so screw her. Its her own fault for going home with those guidos.

The other highlight was my girl J-Woww's dealings with her boyfriend. This relationship is clearly not going to last and it seems that the only two who don't get that are J-Woww and the boyfriend. As usual they were fighting. Then the boyfriend's friend spied on J-Woww when they went to Karma that night and told his boy that she was grinding on some tool bag with a blow-out (Pauly D) all night long. J-Woww managed to diffuse the situation by explaining that they were playing house music and they were only battling on the dance floor. Once Snooki corroborated the story things were cool.

I love how this is a valid excuse in Jersey.

Me (to my fictitious, traitorous NJ girlfriend): I heard from my boy that you were grinding on some douche with a blow-out all night!

Her: Baby, no! We were dancing to house music! We were just battling on the dance floor.

Me: Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Are you OK? Did anyone get hurt?

Her: No. I'm fine.

Me: I lost a lot of good friends to house music dance battles. Too many. They were good men.

And... SCENE!

Tune in next week for another NJ Shore Playhouse production!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Earth Looks Awesomer with Saturn Rings

So last night when I tried to explain the concept of the Earth having rings like Saturn, my sister's eyes glazed over and I think she may have blacked out for a moment. Despite this, I decided to throw this video up because its bad ass.

I think Earth would be way cooler with a sweet set of rings. I also would mind a giant red spot like Jupiter. Although I will admit that an enormous, perpetually raging red storm somewhere on the planet might be a little disconcerting and will probably mess travel up a great deal.

Since it doesn't look like we will get either any time soon, you'll just have to enjoy this sweet video of what could have been.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Because Its the Holiday Season and I Love Muppets

Here we go again. If you like the Muppets then you will enjoy this one. If not, just move along until I post something non-Muppet.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Jersey Shore Controversy Explained!

Bang up job, Snooki. Thanks for clearing all of that up.

I wish she would explain that hair now. Also, I can't wait until she gets punched on TV.

Ukele Power Jam

This video works for many reasons.

#1. The kid is adorable and the whole thing is precious.

#2. He wails on the ukele and is like 5 or something. He's is like a Pacific Island version of Eddie Van Halen. My favorite part was when he closed his eyes, got the headbang going and just melted into that groove he was laying down.

#3. Not once does he say an actual word during the song. He kind of just moans to the music and I wouldn't have it any other way. (Its kind of like listening to my sister sing along with the radio.)

#4. I think this kid is cooler than anybody out there reading this post. Does his sweatshirt say something about "Commercialism"? How bad ass is that? I bet he has on skinny jeans and checkered Vans too. Or he's one of those super-mellow prodigy kids who refuses to wear shoes and is a 22nd Level Vegan.

Irregardless, I like this little guy.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Jersey Shore Nickname Generator!

You knew it was only a matter of time before something like this popped up. Now we can all revel in the glory that is Seaside Heights, NJ thanks to the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator.

Guess what my nickname was? The Prince of Paramus! How sick is that? Its like the spiritual brother to the nickname I've given myself and this blog. And here I thought today couldn't get any better.

Check it out here and let me know what you guys got.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Snooki Gets Rocked

As if you needed another reason to watch MTV's delicious Jersey Shore here is some more incentive. If you watch the show you get to see this little scene play out in its full context. Now I am certainly not saying that I condone violence, especially against women, by posting this video. Although I will admit that I understand the desire to want to hit this girl.

I read online that the doucher doing the punching is some guy named Brad Ferro. This dildo apparently punched her after he stole her drink. Nice.

Maybe this video will help to explain why my family vacationed exactly one time on the Jersey Shore.

My Pet Peeves: When the Wait Staff Refills My Iced Tea After a Few Sips

This one really gets my goat. As many of you know, I am a man with a deep appreciation for a glass of iced tea. There might not be a finer drink in all the land, save for the vaunted Arnold Palmer, which is half iced tea anyway.

When given my glass of iced tea at a restaurant I take the time to squeeze the lemon into the glass and then mix in my sweetener (usually one Sweet-n-Lo), making what is for me the perfect drink to go with my meal. As I enjoy my drink, the waiter or waitress is no doubt watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. When maybe one quarter of the glass is gone, they swoop in and refresh the glass leaving me with a funky new glass of iced tea.

I understand that they are just doing their jobs and I appreciate the prompt service. I just wish they wouldn't sometimes. Now I am left trying to reconfigure the iced tea formula to get back to where I was before the flavor was tainted. Its like being an alchemist. Do I add 1/4 of a sweetener to get back to where I was? Then what do I do about the lemon? I don't have any more of that. Ultimately, it never works out and I am left with a imperfect tea until I can finish the whole glass and start from scratch.

I don't take this out on the wait staff or anything like that. They are doing a good job. Its just that I am the weird one. Also, I would never say to them "DO NOT refill my iced tea glass until it is completely empty!" That makes me sound like and super-jerk and I will probably get some of their special sauce in my food.

My method of dealing with this transgression manifests in one of two ways: I drink my iced tea super-fast so they can't catch me mid-glass or I just grumble silently to myself. Another method which works sometimes is to keep the glass as far away from the wait staff as possible. This normally works in a booth or against a wall. I can shield the glass from harm and then bring it out when I am ready for more. Like I said this only works some of the time. More often than not I get caught and my glass is refilled.

No don't get me wrong. I realize that this is probably not normal, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm a bit weird. This has even turned into a mild family joke. When my glass gets caught out in the open, my family giggles while I politely steam and then mutter an insincere "Thank you."

Does this bother anyone else or am I just a freak?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Unnecessary Censorship: "Come and Play" Edition

This is another of a really fun series of videos you can scope out here in the ether. Jimmy Kimmel's staff has been doing these for years and they always have me rolling.

In short, they bleep out innocuous words in the clip to make them sound dirty. I think the Sesame Street clip has been the best so far, but there have been some other good moments.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

This is one of those things that just doesn't seem fair. Just like My Monkey Baby, Great Britain gets an awesome TV show first.

I would watch this just for the actors involved, but I also dig the premise. Hopefully, HBO or someone will pick this up and we can join in the fun.

In Case You Missed It, MTV's Jersey Shore Debuted Last Night...

... and you really need to be watching this. I thought it would be a True Life-style documentary series that expanded on the "I Have a Summer Share" from years back that might have been the torchbearer as far as making fun of Guidos goes. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What MTV did was pick four guidos and four guidettes from exotic Northeastern locales as New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island and other parts of New York, and jam them into the mother of all summer shares in Seaside Heights, NJ. They get to live there for the summer, but there is a catch... they have to work in a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk! How delicious!

On the first night Nicole, or Snooki, as she is known back home gets really drunk and makes an ass of herself, hitting on all the guys and then whining that no one likes her. She gets sick the next morning and then almost gets fired from the t-shirt shop for being late. She later freaks out because she is not the center of attention and decides to leave because no one likes her. Then the other girls talk her out of it and she decides to go clubbing with them that night to see if she likes it any better.

She is one of the biggest pains in the asses I have ever seen and she really grates on me when she is on the screen, but I think her sticking around will only make the show better. In fact, one of the future clips they show includes her and I won't give to much away other then to say that she may or may not get punched full in the face by some dude at a club. You'll have to watch to find out for yourself!

Other house members include, Mike "The Situation," which may be the worst (or best) self-given nickname of all time; Vinny, the mamma's boy; Ronnie, the juiced up kid from the Bronx who presumably gets a nipple ring this season; Sammi Sweetheart; Angelina "Jolie," the biggest cockblocker on the planet; and DJ Pauly D, Rhode Island's hottest DJ. His catch phrase is "I'm your girl's favorite DJ," which presumably means he intends to take everyone's girl's with his DJ skills. He may have a little competition is Santa is nice to me this years and brings me DJ Hero for the Wii.

Then there is Jenni, or J-Woww.

I found myself strangely drawn to her. She showed up with fake tits, fake hair and a sneer on her face, and I immediately knew she would be my favorite. I totally think her dragon tattoo is boss, too. She works as a car show model and seems super-slutty from the footage they showed of her back home. She has a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to be an issue for her.

I think in real life I would not even want to be in the same room with this girl, but for the purposes of identifying with a character on the show, it works. My love for her was cemented when she left the bar because she was drunk and wanted to go home and eat ham. She also had a t-shirt that said "I ยช House Music" but I let that one slide.

In all honesty, these people don't seem all that bad. I bet they might even be friendly if they could see past my pale skin and lack of club gear. I think they are just a little too into a guido subculture that really just defies fucking explanation.

I'm an Italian-American and I am proud of it but these guys take that to new heights. They have turned themselves into this bizarre ethnic stereotype. But I guess in the end I can't really fault them. They just like to have a good time. And if you can, at the age of 27-29, take off the entire summer and work in a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk and go clubbing every night, then who am I to judge? Go nuts. Plus, they are bringing the cameras along, which works in our favor.

So far the show rules. They could probably do this every year for the next 20 years like The Real World and there would be no end to the lunacy that they capture. I can't imagine what this show would be like when they're like five seasons in and all the real guidos start auditioning for roles. They could hold American Idol-like casting calls and film that too.

Jersey Shore could become a cultural phenomenon, which would be great news for the hair-care product and self-tanning industries.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

We Should All Be So Cool Under Pressure

Bank Robber Eats Demand Note - Watch more Funny Videos

This guy really takes the prize. He's got ice water in his veins and his isn't going to let the man take him down without a fight. But the real kicker is that he's smart enough to know not to resist arrest. Plus, he wolfs that note down like its the most natural thing in the world.

Now I'm no lawyer but I firmly believe that no jury in the land will convict this man. Why? Because he's fuckin' innocent.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Why I Stayed Home on Black Friday

This is why you will never see me out shopping at Black Friday sales. I start white-knuckling it at Wal-Mart on a Tuesday night if it gets too crowded, so there is no way I could handle something like this.

I don't get why people would subject themselves to stuff like this. And please don't say the bargains. I would rather pay $50 more for a present and have the peace of mind I get from not having to deal with shit like that.

That was the closest I've ever come to becoming physically ill while watching a video. And I have seen some really sick shit.

This whole post has made me queasy. I like shopping online.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things I'm Thankful For: MTV's Jersey Shore

It seems only fitting that on this day I take some time to give thanks for some of the more wonderful things the world has provided.

Normally I avoid New Jersey and all things associated with it like the plague, but in this instance I believe I will tune in. I don't think I need to explain why.

Apparently, an Italian-American group is already calling for the show to be cancelled because it paints Italian-Americans in a bad light. I contend that the show merely paints these Italian-Americans in a bad light. I'm an Italian-American and I don't think anyone is going to look at me and think I spent any time on the Jersey Shore. So please don't group me in with these assholes just because my name makes me sound like I own a fruit cart or pizzeria.

I think this was the same group that protested The Sopranos, while the rest of the Italian-American community was making up mob stories to tell non-guidos, so I wouldn't worry too much about this show getting yanked before its December 3 premiere date.

The Prince's Jackass Moment of the Week: Everytime I Watch Armageddon...

It kind of seems criminal to just pick one jackass moment for the week. There are so many to choose from, but I think this one really takes the damn cake.

So I just got finished watching the totally awesome studio popcorn flick Armageddon on cable. Its a product of a giant studio machine and probably has no redeeming social value, but damned if I don't love that movie.

Its not watching the movie that makes me a jackass, although its pretty close. Its the fact that I cry every time I see it. After the team draws straws, Harry (Bruce Willis) takes A.J. (Ben Affleck) down to the surface of the asteroid so he can detonate the nuke while the rest of the crew takes the shuttle to safety. A.J. drew the short straw and must make the noble sacrifice. Only Harry has other ideas and yanks out A.J.'s air hose at the last second so he can switch places with him. At this point, they get into the part of the dialogue where the tough male exteriors fade away and the two stubborn men get down to the root of their issues.

Harry has always thought of A.J. as a son, which is why he has always pushed him and given him a hard time. Meanwhile, A.J. has always loved Harry like a father, which is why he would always defy him and assert his own independence. Here in their last moments together, the two men are finally free to tell each other how they feel. Its a moment that is both sad and happy, and quite poignant in my mind.

A.J. protests that this was his job. Harry responds that his job now is to take care of his little girl (Liv Tyler). As the glass elevator takes A.J. back into the shuttle and to safety, A.J. screams that he loves Harry, while the brave father turns and begins to make the ultimate sacrifice.

As you can guess, I am sobbing like a baby at this point. Its the whole stubborn male love angle that is very easy for men to identify with. Most men probably don't cry when they see this, but I'm not like most men. I'm super-sweet and sensitive. If you have a problem with that you can eat my asshole.

Then they get to the part where Harry addresses his daughter, Grace. Its not enough for them to go for the throat with the man-man father-son love, so now they wheel out the father-daughter moment to nail the chicks watching the movie. Harry talks about breaking his promise to come home to his daughter and Grace apologizes to her dad for saying she wants to be nothing like him. Grace now realizes that all of the best things about her are from her dad. Cue the waterworks again.

There are a bunch of other little moments that are designed to tug at your heartstrings and I won't go into them here. Just watch this American cinema classic for yourself and you'll figure out which ones I'm talking about.

The film's credit sequence culminates in the most perfect church ever for the wedding of A.J. and Grace, accompanied by Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." On the altar there are photos of their fallen friends and everyone is pretty happy that they still have an Earth to live on and life is basically a celebration and shit. At this point my tears have stopped and I am jubilant like the rest of the people in the movie. It rocks.

I think it would be pretty boss to have pictures of Bruce Willis and Owen Wilson in space suits on the altar when you get married. I plan on doing this. The wife can have everything else she wants or the wedding. I will offer no resistance on anything. I just want the pictures on the alter and probably the Aerosmith tune playing to really sell it. Hopefully people will get the joke.

I also want to have a version of this poster made up with my photo and name on it. It will be plastered all over the church and will be totally bad-ass.

I think you could do worse than an Armageddon-themed wedding. I guarantee it will move me to tears.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Can I Adopt Him?

Holy shit! This is the baddest little kid I have ever seen. All the other little turds are running around with no idea what they are doing while my man man Nyrell Sevilla is pursuing the play and getting ready to drop the hammer.

I've watched this video like 12 times and it just gets better. I like how jacked some of the dad's get when the other six-year-olds get laid out. I think the best thing you can do is just pray that he doesn't unload on your kid.

I'm still trying to decide if he is just a super-talented athlete or if he's got a lot of misplaced anger for a six-year-old. I figure it would take a little while longer for that sort of stuff to soak in and take effect. I think he might be pulling a Chris Spielman. That guy would sit in the locker room before NFL games and think about his family getting raped and murdered to jack himself up. Some people said it would get so bad that he would be crying when he took the field and then try to kill anyone that came near him.

Nyrell Sevilla even sounds like a bad ass linebacker. I bet he goes to USC and wears #55. He's got 12 years to go, but I bet coaches are already showing up at his door with xBoxes and hookers.

I'm seriously enamored with this kid. For all the dude readers: can you imagine if that was your son? How proud would you be? I would literally give him anything he wanted. And I would totally live vicariously through him. How can you not?

That six-year-old is more of a man than I am.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Muppets Do Queen!

So normally I see a video and I think "I bet people would enjoy this if I post it on the blog." Then every now and again I find something that makes me so excited that I literally can't type fast enough to post it. This is one of those videos, which is kind of sweet if you really think about it, but mostly sad.

I love the Muppets. I always have and I think I always will. The Muppets are just funny. And its not like some kid's show is funny. From the beginning these guys have been about all-ages laughs and they have always delivered in my book. Its yet another one of my charming little quirks. If you don't like it, go to hell.

Anyway, the video has a good mix of old and new Muppets and the song goes into the big finish with the Showstopper, the greatest Muppet of all time, who will remain nameless as to not spoil the video. Like any of you care.

Anyway, watch the damn thing. It made me giggle 'til my eyes were watering.

This Weekend I Took in an American Football Contest

As I have mentioned before, it behooves a nobleman to mingle with the common folk from time to time. After all we're not completely superior to normal people. Just mostly. With that spirit in mind, my father the King and I attended the Baltimore Ravens game versus the vaunted Indianapolis Colts.

I won't bore you with my theories on why the Ravens lost because, quite frankly, my football IQ trumps yours, but I will tell you all about the clowns I saw at the game. As you can imagine, any time thousands of Baltimorians are drawn to one central location, you can expect some loons to slip through the security cordons and this day was no different.

From my limited view of the crowd from the expensive seats I saw a ton of jokers walking around. I think my favorites have to be the people who buy the team jersey and then put their own clever name on the back. If you have seen this before than you know I am being very generous when I say "clever." Mostly because they aren't.

In front of me was a couple dressed to the nines in Ravens gear. The lady decided to go all out with a purple wig and Mardi Gras beads and a bunch of other useless shit. Her jersey read "Purple Dame" across the back. I'm not sure if she was inducted into any of the various English Orders, but I doubt it. Her husband seemed to be called "Big Daddy" so I think maybe it was just something they whipped up.

The lamest jersey name of the day had to be the guy to my right who had a Ray Lewis jersey complete with the name "Off the Hook" on the back. What an ass. Another highlight was the pleasant gentleman a few rows in front of us with the hat that read "Secession" across the back. Isn't that a sweet sentiment? He also stood for the National Anthem, which was a little surprising since he apparently wants to leave the Union.

After we tired of the riffraff, we made our way up to my father's friend's skybox. My father was warned ahead of time to not bring the wife because of the serving wench employed in the skybox. Word around the campfire was that she wears a tiny little referee's uniform. Oh how randy of them!

Even armed with this warning I was not prepared for what greeted me. I assumed it would be a nice young girl in a tight referee outfit. I was right about that, but I still couldn't have been more wrong. What we saw upon entering the room was the shortest skirt I have seen on a woman outside of a porno and two giant mounds of strippery boob action barely contained in a zip-up ref costume. In short, these guys really know how to party.

Since she was being manhandled the entire time by the gentleman in the skybox, I tried my best to be polite (totally not baller by the way!) and keep my eyes above the neck as much as I could. This turned out to be fucking impossible and I spent the entire second half of the game staring at her wonderful rack trying desperately to keep from motorboating her. At one point she even mashed her boobs into my arm while trying to get past me (Ebow!).

All in all it was a very enjoyable way to watch the game, once I remembered that there was a game going on. I intend to buy out the club level of the stadium for next season and make it into my own Roman-style orgy party a la Caligula and make Lisa, the sexy referee, the head concubine. You guys are all welcome to come and visit. Maybe the Ravens will make a better run for the playoffs.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Prince's Word of the Day: Billingsgate

This one is a tricky little devil. I did not know it existed until I saw the e-mail this morning. Once again, the word is too cute by half.

Billingsgate is defined as "coarsely abusive, foul or profane language." Basically its shit talk. The kind you will hear while taking a leisurely stroll down any street in my humble little duchy. The name comes from a famed London market that was known for its fish and, apparently, verbal abuse.

My main question is how does a market get to be so popular when all the people working there are screaming profanities at you? It doesn't add up. That's why people like farmer's markets so much. Its nice and quiet and the people are usually pleasant and earthy. But this is the kind of earthy you like to associate with. Not the salt-of-the-earthy type of fisherman who will berate you if you inquire as to whether the tuna steaks were line-caught.

I guess a market like Billingsgate does have some cache to it. I saw on the Travel Channel that there was this joint in Chicago (I think) where people go after the bars let out. The people that work there have worked out a unique system for dealing with drunks. They just throw billingsgate at them while they're ordering in a preemptive strike. From what I saw it was really quite popular. The patrons show up and call the women working there bitches and stuff while ordering hot dogs. It's all in good fun though. As an added bonus, if you fill the special tip jar the one lady working there does something that they can't show on basic cable. I think it had to do with boobs.

I'm not sure that I would have frequented Billingsgate if I were a Londoner. I guess it depends on the freshness of the fish and the prices. Sometimes I just want to buy fish without leaving the market feeling worse about myself than when I went in. It doesn't seem like a place to take the kids. You've got to wonder about these guys. If they talk like longshoremen in public, what else would they do? Maybe slit your throat. Or maybe shanghai you onto their boat.

I don't think anyone wants to contemplate white slavery when they're picking out swordfish steaks for their BBQ.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: A Very Special Raven Wedding

Normally when you see something like this it features a cheesehead from Wisconsin or one of those damn yinzers from Pittsburgh. I guess the statistics were stacked against us from the beginning though.

Do you think that they both really bleed purple or is it maybe like 70-30? 80-20? 90-10? 100-0? I'm wondering what the guy had to trade to get the lady to agree to that. Probably all his porn forever. Not a good trade-off in my opinion.

My other problem is that they didn't really sell it for me. The Ray Lewis dance was filled with trepidation. I don't think his heart was in it. At the very least get them to play the Nelly tune so you can get your mind right for the entrance.

But I guess I should just count my blessings and be thankful that no one had on a Roethlisberger or Brady jersey.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: New Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis

If you have not seen this series before then you are in for a treat.

I think Zach Galifianakis is one of the funniest comedians out there right now. No one will deny that he was a scene-stealer in The Hangover, but he has been plying his comedy for years and this little series is one of his best ideas.

He elevates awkward (and oftentimes combative) conversation to new heights and has interviewed tons of cool people, including my man-crush Jon Hamm, straight-crush Charlize Theron and hipster-crush Michael Cera.

Check them out if you get the chance. They are a lot funnier than anything I'm going to come up with.

WWII in HD is On!

So I have basically spent the entire week (only three days at this point) with an enormous nerd boner. The History Channel began airing its WWII in HD and it is the tits, as I suspected.

In an earlier post I mentioned that the series contains never-before-seen color footage from the war that was unearthed during a two-year global search. My hats off to these guys because they turned up some cool shit. The actors voicing the younger soldiers are also pretty cool. I wasn't sure how this would turn out but its working nicely (its mostly guys like Ron Livingston and Steve Zahn doing Southern accents). Its also probably way better than having the 80-year-olds do their own voice work. Those guys are still pretty cool though.

Mostly the episodes just show freaking carnage. We've seen a ton of battles in the Pacific theater, which mostly means you see a lot of dead Japanese soldiers. I also just got to see Marines practicing hand-to-hand combat in the Phillipines. There has also been a lot of footage of the air battles over Europe. As you can imagine I am geeking out hardcore.

The show can be pretty disturbing though. As I mentioned before, there was a lot of footage of the dead Japanese soldiers and that got pretty gruesome. The worst thing thus far came in the first episode, before the U.S. even entered the war. They managed to find footage of the Nazi occupation in Hungary. In this one instance the Nazi soldiers selected 36 Serbs from a crowd and hung them from a tree in retaliation for a shooting the night before. It was f-ed up.

Right now, I'm watching the Allies roll through France on their way to Germany. The show airs two new hours each night with tons of reruns of the earlier episodes so its not too late to catch up. Its worth checking out if you are a history buff like myself. I'll be watching this and then probably the finest WWII movies for the rest of the week.

Thanks for letting me geek out. I now return you to your regularly scheduled dick jokes.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Newscaster Murdered!

I got nothing.

Australians Eat Weird Shit

So I saw this on my favorite little burger blog and it made me happy. If I don't have pleasant dreams sleeping on a burger then I'm just not meant to have pleasant dreams. Then I took a closer look at this thing and noticed some unusual colors.

In the product description, the pillow is described as an "Australian burger" with the burger itself, cheese, lettuce, tomato, tomato sauce (hopefully ketchup), beetroot (WTF?) and pineapple (huh?). I think I'll pass on your retarded burger pillow, thank you very much.

I'll admit that I have put pineapple on a burger before but not with ketchup and beets (I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around that one). My burger with pineapple featured a teriyaki marinade, swiss cheese, grilled ham and then the pineapple ring, which was also grilled. I'll give you a minute to absorb all of that and then commend me for my culinary genius.

So anyway, Australian burgers are batshit insane and I think you are all a little better off knowing that.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Good News, Bad News, Better News

First, the good news: Desiree Jennings, the Redskins Cheerleader Ambassador who contracted the rare neurological disorder known as dystonia has made a remarkable recovery and seems to be doing fine.

The bad news: she was cured by a man who has been in tons of trouble with his own medical board and has been known to inject piss into his patients as a way to cure them. In short, we are all probably a bunch of assholes for going along with this whole thing. Apparently she was cured through a detoxification process, which got rid of all those pesky toxins found in the flu vaccine. I'm still trying to figure that one out. The blog Respectful Insolence has an account of everything so check that out for all the dirt.

Now the better news: I can FINALLY post this damn thing on my page!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Boy Band

So I like this little video theft feature for two reasons: 1. I'm kind of lazy and don't really feel like coming up with stuff to write and b. Most of the videos I find are funnier than any of the things I would come up with anyway.

Case in point. This is a comedy team called Derrick Comedy, which features Donald Glover, better known as Troy from Community, one of my favorite new shows on television.

They put out this new clip to support their upcoming movie Mystery Team, but I think the gold is right here. In the video, the guys are a new boy band called the Young Fuckables, brought together to appeal to the pedophile demographic. I think you might dig it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Dick Towel!

I'm not sure how many of you watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night, but as always it was fantastic. One of the best gags of the night was Mac's invention of the Dick Towel, which had me rolling but also reaching for my wallet. As it turns out, the web page they advertise is very real and apparently sells the product for $19.95.

It also boasts a nice little commercial featuring the product and the music of C&C Music Factory, so you can see it without the black bars they aired on FX. Check it out here:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I Just Got Back from Seeing Paranormal Activity...

... and am happy to report that The Prince is made of much sterner stuff than the clowns that the were shooting with the night-vision cameras for the TV commercials.

In fact, if they had filmed me with the night-vision cameras all they would have got was me craning my neck in some silly attempt to get a better glimpse of the lead actress's boobs. They would have also got some approving glances from me as well as one nose pick. Maybe. I was super-stealthy about it.

But I digress. I now have a little crush on Katie Featherston. I thought she was super-cute in the movie and there was a lot of scoop necks going on, which only added to my enjoyment. She kind of looks like Pam from The Office but with darker hair and more thickness. Strangely enough, if you asked me what I would do to Pam from The Office to make her hotter I would say "Make her hair darker and add on some thickness." So Katie is aces in my book. I hope we see more of her than we did of the chick from The Blair Witch Project. I don't think anyone really wanted to see more of her. She was a pain in the ass.

All in all, the movie was very cool. I dug the cinema verite approach and think the realistic presentation of a haunting did quite a bit towards making it scarier for the audiences. I don't, however, think that the movie will alter my psyche and give me nightmares like the poster suggested.

The scary parts were very well done. For the most part, the filmmakers were subtle and did not show things in the way that most horror films do. At no point do we see a giant demon running around the house. The most you get is shadows on the wall and it works nicely.

As an added perk, my name will now be featured on the DVD of Paranormal Activity because I was one of the dudes who demanded the movie be shown near me. Now my devotion will be immortalized.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kristen Wiig Reads the Poetry of Suzanne Sommers

I think you all know how I feel about Kristen Wiig. She's one of the best to come out of Saturday Night Live in a long time and I'm not ashamed to admit a little crush on her.

This video of her has to be one of the best I've ever seen. This was filmed at the opening of a comedy festival and features my girlfriend reading the poetry of Step by Step's Suzanne Sommers. Its pretty damn ridiculous what Suzanne comes up with while plumbing the depths of her very soul, making for some very easy laughs.

I think each of you will grow a little after watching this.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Mambo Dog!

I decided to drop this guy in because my sister loses her shit when dogs dress like people and walk around on their hind legs. Its high comedy in our household and it probably should be in yours too.

Party Pizza!

In the battle for my heart, frozen pizzas will always be a contender. Mama Celeste may have been my steady back in the day, but I was always willing to step out on her with Totino's Party Pizza. While both are basically cardboard crust and what passes in the industrial agricultural complex as tomato sauce, I will eat the shit out of these things any day of the week. Its ingrained in me.

I typically ate Mama Celeste (and still do) because it only takes four minutes in the microwave. Totino's was a different story. You had to preheat the oven and then bake it for like 15 minutes, which was unacceptable in most situations for me. I would eat them every once in a while and had very fond memories of those lonely little meals.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw a freezer full of these party treats at my local Wal-Mart. Normally, that place has me white-knuckled in a matter of minutes, but on this day I was lured in by cheap socks and the Transformers 2 DVD. As a child I had no concept of the money spent on my food and drink, so I did a double take when I saw that Totino's pizzas were only $1.25! What the fuck? Were they free when I was 8 years-old? Did inflation not touch the frozen pizza market? Brushing these questions aside, I grabbed a few a ran like the wind back home to pop one in the oven.

I initially decided to eat the Combination pizza, which features an approximation of sausage and what the box referred to as "pizza topping with pepperoni seasoning." Don't fret though, it also said that the topping was made with beef, chicken and pork, so I figured it was legit.

I preheated the oven to 450 degrees and then popped her in for 12 minutes. What emerged from the oven was the stuff dreams are made of.

So glorious! The pizza had an awesome crisp crust with bubbles or something on the bottom, just like I remembered. The "pizza topping" (do you remember the little pepperoni chunks rather than the slices?) was as rad as always and the sausage was just kind of there.

Next time, I may step things up and buy the Classic Pepperoni variety, which eschews the chunks of topping in favor of slices of the real deal. I'm moving up in the world!

In summation, I love these damn things. Do yourself a favor and get some crappy pizzas so you can relive your youth. Its also nice to know that at $1.25 you can eat pretty good while scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

Also, if you are lucky you could win a trip to travel on the Dew Tour and get mega-extreme with the finest snowboarders and ne'er-do-wells the country has to offer.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Christopher Walken Reads Lady GaGa!

I decided to post this because Christopher Walken is probably one of the weirdest men in all of the celebrity world and I really dig that. I think he and I would get along. In fact, I think I would be a better man for knowing him.

I also really like that he is perfectly willing to make fun of himself. Its like he has no ego. He is constantly poking fun at himself on Saturday Night Live and he even played John Travolta's husband in Hairspray. Christopher Walken is the shaman of our global village.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Charlie Day!

This little video features the most intense moments from everyone's favorite character from the greatest show on TV, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Its mostly Charlie Day screaming at people. Highlights include Charlie going America over everyone's asses, Charlie salting Gail the Snail, Charlie on a trash heap with a scimitar and Charlie as Serpico. I wish they would have added Charlie wretching while attempting stand-up comedy but who am I to complain. This little best-of clip is a wonderful gift in itself.

Since I love you so much here is another clip of Charlie dancing for five minutes. If the creator of the videos is reading this, I think we could also use a collection of Mac doing karate or Dennis popping off his shirt.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Little Cup

This little video comes courtesy of my main doo-doo stain, Big Mike, the undisputed King of New York despite anything Christopher Walken or any East Coast rapper might say.

Like Hooters, this video is delightfully tacky and unrefined. It comes from Australia (shocker), which I think has taken the lead as the trailer park of the civilized world. I mean that in the nicest way possible. These people just don't seem to give a fuck and I love them for it.

If any other developed country held something like this it would have taken on that creepy pony-boy fetish vibe. In undeveloped countries it would be kind of depressing and probably hint at some form of civil rights abuse. In summation, I'm glad the Aussies did this and not, say, the Germans or Afghanis.

I really wish they "mounts" would have dressed up like horses AS PROMISED! What the hell, man? You don't tease with something like that and then cut to a dude in jorts. Also, the little jockeys should have had riding crops and used them liberally.

Friday, October 30, 2009

New Wolfman Trailer

I thought this might get you guys in the Halloween spirit too. I think this looks badass, but then again I really like werewolves. In fact, due to my body hair, sharp teeth and keen senses, I have always felt like I might actually be a werewolf. It would explain quite a bit.

Enjoy the trailer. If you like you can take me to see this in February as a post-birthday outing. Sound good?

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Dancing Pumpkin Guy!

If this shit doesn't get you in the Halloween spirit I don't know what will. It must be fun to be on the news in Omaha. They apparently don't have any news out there and can just do shit like this all night. I'm a little pissed that they didn't spring for the real Ray Parker, Jr. version of the Ghostbusters theme. The Bobby Brown song from the second one would have been pretty cool too.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Bridezillas!

This show is a favorite of my sister's. I have a hard time watching it without having an anxiety attack. These women are awful! This is all particularly scary because I tend to attract women with a liberal dose of bitch and crazy in the mix.

I think I might have to put my foot down if I were the groom in this situation. I don't know that I would even let it progress to a proposal. Although I won't rule out bullying. I can see that going down.

I'm also terrified that I'll have a daughter Bridezilla and will have to break up fights with caterers, florists, seamstresses, etc. It keeps me up at night.

I'll just have to trust in superior breeding to win the day. Enjoy the bitches!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Greatest Rap Battle of Our Time!

This was sent to me by a loyal reader that I will refer to as the Crabcake Heiress. Its really got it all and I think you will all enjoy it.

My friend Brian says that when Eli's eyes roll into the back of his head its because he's actually looking into his brain for the next rhyme he is going to spit.

Also, I take offense to the judging. The man-love going on at the judge's table aside, these clowns don't know jack. That dude Envy rhymed "cripple" with "cripple," which as we all know is a cardinal sin in the rap game. That's the type of weak-ass buster shit that gets you laughed out of the cypher.

Eli's rhymes were way more clever. He was spitting about Rosie O'Donnell and bisexual bridal showers and gay parades. Way better than Envy's mundane bullshit.

I really wish Hammond High had one of these sick lunchtime shows going on. That would have been off the chain. I think my boy Greg would have come with some sick Das EFX-style flows about raw dogging it with girls and being on lockdown. He was an MC for the people.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Drunk Guy in a Convenience Store!

This is all over the place but it still had me laughing. I like that its almost 11 in the morning and the guy is hitting the convenience store to pick up a weekender of Bud.

This whole thing raises several questions. Is he just drunk or are there some drugs floating around in his system? Is he so shit canned from the night before or did he rise with the sun and go to work at getting hammered thanks to a Puritanical work ethic? Is he break dancing on the floor for a bit there?

Also, why not pick up some food while you are there? It might prolong the party. At that point in my drunken stupors I'm usually looking for pretzel dogs or cheese steaks. I guess maybe he is just fully focused on fucking himself up even more. To be honest, I think that kind of determination is admirable.

I would have loved to have been working in the shop when he was there. I don't think I would have been as eager to help him.

In other news, David Hasselhoff is finalizing plans for a reality show, so videos like these may be a little more commonplace.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Scuttlebutt!

I don't really have a problem with this word of the day. I just kind of like it and was surprised to find out its true meaning, so I thought I would share.

The informal definition of "scuttlebutt" is a gossip or a rumor. The formal definition is a cask of water on a ship. Essentially, a pirate water cooler. Its funny to me that people aren't really all that different over the course of time.

After a long day of raping and pillaging up and down the coast, the pirates would meet at the water cooler to talk about how Old Salty only takes ladies' underwear from the vast estates in the port city or why One-Eyed Doug got an extra rum ration. They're no different than you or I.

I also think Scuttlebutt would make an awesome pet name. Like for a really big fish in a saltwater tank or like a real mangy dog with one eye.

Additionally, it would be a cool band name. I could see them doing punk covers of old sea shanties.

Monday, October 19, 2009

What Up With That? on SNL

So I know its fun to bag on Saturday Night Live for being tragically unfunny, but I tend to disagree. I rarely see an episode that doesn't have something good in it. I tend to like the more absurd things that they do or the sketches that drag on way too long and go from funny to unfunny and then back to funny. Sometimes persistence really pays off.

In any event, Saturday night found me in front of the television with a little time to kill before Skinemax started airing the good softcore stuff so I tuned in and was delighted to see two sketches featuring Goodburger's Kenan Thompson that I really liked. This guy clearly had all the talent, not Kel.

Check out the clip below. It's good stuff.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Prince's Word of the Day: Pukka

Here is another crappy one from "Pukka" means "authentic, genuine" or "superior, first class." Its pronounced "puke-uh" and comes from Hindi and Sanskrit words so that explains the cultural misunderstanding.

My problem is this: you shouldn't say something is first rate using a word that has "puke" in it. Its wicked stupid.

"Man, you have a pukka new car!"

It sounds like your saying that his car is full of puke. Or maybe made of puke. Its not cool.

This word reminds me of "crapulous" in many ways. Its super-misleading and has a bodily function in it. And just like "crapulous" I have a new definition for the word, societal rules be damned. I think "pukka" should now mean anything that makes most people want to puke.

For example: "We went over to Greg's house and his cat had diarrhea. It was so pukka!"

Or: "Hey Jessica, you need to put that pukka diaper in the Diaper Genie immediately!"

I think we can all agree that my version is like infinity times better than that other useless definition. Now go forth and spread my gospel.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Mobbie Results Are Official!

As many of you probably know, I did not win the top spot in the Humor category. I did come in second place, which is not too shabby if I do say so myself. Furthermore, I was true to myself. I did my blog my way and I didn't cater to the suits running the competition.

I kept it real. All day, everyday. And for that you are all welcome.

In all seriousness, thanks to everyone who voted. I made a nice little last minute surge and its all thanks to you my loyal friends and readers. We've also managed to pick up a few more fans, it seems so welcome to the gang. I promise to play nice most of the time.

I'd also like to send a shout-out to my entourage. They came to support me at the Mobbie Awards Party even though I wasn't going to win anything and that was pretty sweet. They also shared a fine meal with me at Joe Squared afterwards where we destroyed some pizzas.

Props to myself for selecting the four cheeses on our four cheese pizza. I made a command decision without consulting anyone but it worked out for the best. I went with mozzarella, asiago, romano and provolone and never before have four cheeses existed in such harmony. I had a gut feeling and I went with it.

Finally, thanks to the Baltimore Sun for putting on such a fun competition. It was cool to be involved and especially gratifying to finish high in my category. It was also cool to be exposed to a larger audience. I belong to the world now. You'll have to share me.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Japanese Sniper!

Say what you will about Japanese television. These guys really do put out some great stuff. Their game shows rule because they border on the absurd and their prank shows are even better. I think that Japanese TV has literally no regard for the real people involved and that is why the shows are so awesome. Maybe the Japanese are not quote as litigious as we are here in the States and that is why they can get away with so much. I don't think you could pull this off in the U.S.

Anyway, in the video a man enters into some kind of meeting (I don't speak or read Japanese. Duh.) and is made to believe there is a sniper outside taking out all of the other dudes in the room.

I love shit like this.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Gambling Bunnies!

I guess I get the point of the ad. Its all very sweet and so would winning a million bucks, but this still seems a little bit misplaced. Plus that sign at the end really pisses me off. I'm all happy and cheerful and thinking about buying a bunny and then that guy starts talking to me about lottery tickets. Dick.

By the way, I hope someone at Cadbury's ad agency got fired for not thinking this one up. They really dropped the ball. That is the perfect ad for Creme Eggs. If I saw that in the spring time I would rush out and buy a box of them.

Now on to the important stuff. How fucking cute was that?! I liked when the little bunnies bumped with the bumper cars and also when the little bunny fell over.

I want to have the Bunny County Fair in my backyard every spring. I would provide carrots and lettuce and fresh water and whatever the little bunnies like to eat. Candy apples, I bet.

But wait there is more!

That made my day. It kind of pisses me off when they wake the puppies at the end.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Bullets Hitting Things!

This is probably one of the coolest videos you will ever see. Its basically bullets hitting things at 1,000,000 frames per second, which from a scientific point of view is just bananas.

Its super trippy and will probably be played on TVs at clubs and raves until the end of time. Enjoy!

Reality Show Contestant Pops Implant

I felt like it was important to pass along this video. It may be a first in the sad little world of reality television. One of the contestants on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (Are any of these people even on either of the shows anymore? I stopped watching MTV when I hit 30) popped her breast implant after faceplanting into the water from what looks to be a good 20 feet up.

Its a pretty spectacular crash and its made all the better thanks to the popping of the implant. Here is the thing though. They show her later and both of her boobs are still pretty big. I would have thought that the popped one would deflate or something creepy like that but apparently the science isn't backing me up on that.

Which leads me to the real point of this post. WE NEED BETTER, STRONGER, HOTTER BREAST IMPLANTS! Girls are going to keep getting implants because asses like me stare at boobs like 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time we're thinking about them. The numbers don't lie.

But we can't have them popping on girls. That opens up a whole can of worms that we don't need. Plus, it keeps the implanted ladies from leading active lifestyles. Some girls crave the adventure that only reality television game shows can provide and who are we to tell them "Sit this one out. I don't think the twins can take it."? Its unAmerican.

We live in a country that bombs our moon for Christ's sake. Someone has got to be working on a way insure that implants aren't going to pop. I don't want to live in a world where this is no longer possible.

We're a country of dreamers and I think we should stay that way.