Sunday, February 28, 2010

This is Apparently a Delicacy Down Under

So baby sis just got back from a lengthy holiday in the antipodean realms of New Zealand and Australia and as you can imagine, she came bearing gifts.

In addition to t-shirts, a bad ass boomerang and a Maori sculpture, she brought me a little something for the kitchen from New Zealand. I have to confess I am little reluctant to use it. I think it might be a little too salty for my tastes.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Lego Wu Tang

I stole another one from Aziz Ansari. I knew there was a reason I liked this guy.

This video is sublime. It literally has the power to blow my friend's mind because it includes two of his favorite things in the world: Legos and the Wu Tang Clan.

This video is the epitome of "Wu Tang All Day."

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Mini Daddy

I stole this shit from a celebrity's blog so I feel like this is a more legitimate theft for some reason. Thanks to Aziz Ansari for doing my dirty work today. Also, his new CD Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening is tits.

I love this kid. He's like Baby Pun or something. I also love the choice of video honies.

I will give you a lollipop if you can tell me which Nintendo game they jacked that beat from.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Taking the Cat for a Walk

Because you demanded it, more stolen videos from other web sites!

In today's exciting entry, we see just another amazing reason why dog's are better than cats. Have you ever seen a dog turn down a walk? Of course not.

My aunt's dog Raider (possibly the prettiest German Shephard ever) gets a boner when I grab his leash. This can be uncomfortable at times because he then tries to jump up on me and get the leash, potentially touching me with his Red Rocket. Despite that, I appreciate the enthusiasm. He's all-in and it shows.

But this damn cat can't even be bothered to get off his ass. Its kind of like the jelly-leg thing kids do when they don't want to stand up. What a pain in the ass.

I will say this in the cat's defense: he look's like he feels betrayed. But my sympathy only goes so far.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Coolest Bathroom Graffiti Ever

EDIT: Photo now more badass thanks to my homey, Greg.

So last night, some friends and I celebrated the 30th birthday of Hot Mess Hannah at a local Baltimore bar, Frazier's on the Avenue. In addition to watching the Olympic games with a heavy metal soundtrack, I got to talk comics with a knowledgeable geek and had a bunch of whiskeys, which contributed to the intense headache I woke up with this morning. Needless to say, a good time was had by all.

But I digress. In the men's room of this bar was (as the title of this post suggests) the coolest piece bathroom graffiti ever! If you can't make out the image above, I will explain it. On the wall in the restroom, someone decided to draw the Wu Tang Clan "W" (see below) with the words "All Day" inside of it.

Whaaaaaaaat? That is some bad shit. I think I actually even said both of those things while I was pissing. I think we call all agree that Wu Tang All Day is something that we would all be a little better for having.

So obviously I had to take that crappy picture with my camera phone. The whole time I was lining up the shot I was terrified someone would open the door (the lock sucked) and I would totally drop my phone into the toilet. The weird little bathroom even had another door right behind where you would stand to do your business so there was also the threat of some unknown person coming through that door off the street and pushing me into the toilet. The bathroom was wrought with peril.

It was also wrought with awesome bathroom graffiti. Another highlight was the battle between assholes on the door of the bathroom. Someone wrote that Jesus was a zombie because he rose from the dead. Then someone got mad and wrote that that person was an asshole and ate pussy. Then someone (presumably the original writer) said that Jesus ate pussy. It all kind of went downhill from there with a bunch of tangential insults and one guy claiming that pussy tasted like shit. It was crazy as hell.

In conclusion, this bar was pretty kick ass and I hope to make it back there at some point in the not too distant future. I will definitely bring a marker so I can tag that bathroom wall myself. Maybe I'll even touch up that Wu tag for posterity.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Hipsters Eat Shit on Icy Sidewalk

Anytime I get to a point where I feel as though I am a mature adult something like this falls into my lap and its like the sixth grade all over again.

This is a video of an icy sidewalk in the hipster mecca of the Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn. I wish it were lighter out so you could really see the action, but this will do the trick if schadenfreude is your cup of tea. I know I sure liked it.

My favorite part was when the people fell on the ice.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Orangutan and the Hound

In addition to being evocative of a very pleasant Disney film about friendship that I remember from my youth, this video is absolutely precious. I can't imagine anyone not liking this video.

In fact, it might be the second greatest orangutan video ever, after Cannonball Run 2. That orangutan drove a limo and was fond of blowing raspberries and giving old ladies the finger.

It makes me really questions the choices I made in life. If I had done the right things I'd be able to say something like "Hey! Let's take the elephant for a walk. Don't forget to bring the orangutan."

Instead, I'm sitting at a desk dreaming about what could have been. Such is life.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Bruce the Funny Dog

Important Things with Demetri MartinThursday, 10:00pm / 9:00c
Attention - Bruce the Funny Dog
Joke of the DayStand-Up ComedyFree Online Games

This comes courtesy of Demetri Martin's very funny show that I always forget to watch. Its more ridiculous high concept humor but this time, its got a dog in funny outfits.

I think you guys will dig it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

True Baller Status... Maryland Style!

If you really want to live large in my neck of the woods, you don't need a condo in Ocean City or a fancy rice burner with stickers in the back windshield that spell out your name or awesome nickname (Silent Samurai, I'm talking about you!). All you need is a bad ass custom designed crab eating knife. Like me!

The box instructs me to eat blues like I mean it. And dammit I will! I will mean it so hard those blues won't know what hit them.

As many of you know, crabs are the official food of Maryland (I don't really know that) and if anyone outside of Maryland tries to tell you anything about seafood punch them in the mouth. Go on. Do it. Then tell them I told you to do it.

There is a reason we kick ass at crab eating down here. That reason is Old Bay, or Wye River if you prefer. The other reason is that we have dudes who love crabs so much that they craft tools that maximize their crab eating. They're not here to pussy foot around.

Take in the beauty of the crab knife. Form follows function to create a tool worthy of Hephaestus, God of the Forge.

The handle is contoured to fit your hand perfectly and the short, blunt blade is perfect for opening crabs and digging out the precious meat.

What about a mallet you say?

Kiss my ass, I say.

If you are a real OG you don't need a mallet. The knife is your only tool, hence the weighted horn of the handle. If you're legit this is all you need. In the rare occasions when that is not enough, you are allowed to use the meaty part of the side of your hand.

If you don't own these you should.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Prince's Word of the Day: Cupidity

Upon reviewing my e-mails from during my Internet blackout, I came across what seemed to be an holiday appropriate Word of the Day on Feburary 13.

The word that popped up in my inbox was "cupidity."

"How precious!" I thought. But then I read the definition and was thunderstruck. Cupidity means "eager or excessive desire, especially for wealth; greed; avarice." What a mindjob! sends me a word of the day on the day before Valentine's Day with "cupid" as its root word and that's what it means? That sucks.

I would think "cupidity" would be something like "the practice of matchmaking or meddling in one's love affairs" or "the propensity to practice archery in a diaper." The real definition is kind of a downer.

But there is some hope. Since the root ultimately comes from the Latin word cupere, which means "to desire," we cans still use one of my better, cooler definitions. So get on it.

No Internet and No Cable Make The Prince Something Something

So this blizzard has really put a damper on my thrilling lifestyle. We lost cable and Internet during the high winds of the second blizzard to come through and have not gotten them back as of this writing. As you can imagine I am super pissed off. I had lots of Internet shopping to do and no way to do it.

Hopefully, this will all be resolved soon and I won't have to resort to blogging when I should be working. Or at the very least I won't only blog when I should be working. I'll let you know how all of the Internet shopping goes.

If there is one positive thing to come out of this epic snow event it is this: I am pretty good at manual labor. I certainly don’t like it, but it seems that I am able to work for hours at a time doing something that I hate. To be certain, I bitched pretty much the entire time I was doing it, but I did it—several times over the course of several days.

By my count, I dug the house out three times. Twice during the big snowfall where we got 32 inches over two days (one of which was my fucking birthday) and then another during round two of the Blizzard of ’10 where we only got maybe 16 to 18 inches.

I then had the distinct pleasure of digging out my semi-shut-in grandmother over the weekend. As you can guess, she had not really left the house since the first snowflake fell waaaaaaay back on February 5, so there was a lot of digging to be had. While my father and I were busy digging her out (we sent the Royal Grounds Crew to help dig out the AMF Bowling Center on Merritt Boulevard and thus avoid a riot), grandma decided to yell out the screen door to us and tell us how to shovel her walkway. Never a good idea.

Although I will admit that when she yelled out to us, I was very pleased that she sounded normal. I would have figured that she might have gone over the edge while cooped up inside. I was expecting something out of The Shining when we finally got to her door, but she seemed OK. She did keep going on and on about how sick she was that we had to do all that digging for her. How sweet. I guarantee that she isn't as sick as we were of digging. But then she gave me my belated birthday present and bought us Wendy's so that made everything better.

At one point when I was flying through all of this digging, I had a bizarre little fantasy playing out in my head where I opened up my own snow removal business. Since this is pretty stupid, I quickly cleared that out of my head and began dreaming about the money these snow plow guys are getting. I know the hours suck, but they have to be pretty flush with cash right now.

Not long ago, my LA connection, Andy, and I worked out the brilliant plan to sell eggs, bread, milk and toilet paper from the back of a snow plow. Genius. Those concepts go together like cheese and macaroni.

You can take that idea to the bank.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Because Its Snowy and I Love Muppets

Who doesn't like Beaker?

Also, I read some news about the upcoming movie featuring Jason Segel and it will apparently stick with the tried and true formula where the gang gets together to save the old theater. They've done this before, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Tarradiddle

This one just sounds funny to me. Its something Ned Flanders would say, if he hasn't already.

A tarradiddle is "a petty falsehood; a fib" and alternately "pretentious nonsense." I like the second one best. My life is full of pretentious nonsense, or tarradiddles, if you will. Most of this pretention probably comes from my mouth. Just listen to me explain why comic books are a viable medium for storytelling to see what I mean.

It will be fun to drop a little tarradiddle (a fib) every now and again while talking to people. Like I could say that this blog one a Mobbie Award.

I also like having a word that sums up everything every hipster has ever said to me in my life.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Snowmageddon, Snowpacalypse, Whatever

This photo came in a mass e-mail with the title "Too much winter." Amen, brother.

I probably like snow more than the next person, but this shit has to stop. Its the pits, man. I'm getting cabin fever and every time I try to assuage that and go out I spend two hours traveling two miles from my house.

The roads suck and they will suck even worse after this next snow event, which a friend of mine dubbed "Snowgnarok."

The other day the good people on WBAL's news team came at me with the very good tip of not using my outdoor grill inside the house for various reasons including, but not limited to, 1) you could burn the fucking house down, 2) you could poison yourself with the fumes.

"Thanks for the hot tip," I thought to myself. Then they laid the whopper on me. That tip was inspired by the fact that several adults and a few children were hospitalized over the weekend when they decided to grill up some dogs in the house. Good work, gang. This is natural selection at work right before our eyes in good old Baltimore.

But I digress, despite all of the BS associated with the snowstorm, I have managed to have some fun. One of my favorite things to do during a snow storm is to just stand outside while the snow falls. I love the quiet that accompanies a snowfall and have been moved to tears by the crystalline tinkling of the snow as it reaches the ground. Its the poet in me. I can't help it.

On the flipside, I used the thick layer of snow to turn the stairs on my parents' second story deck into a sweet sliding board this afternoon. I went down on my butt and got snow everywhere when I hit the bottom, including my ass crack, which made me scream a tiny bit. Then I jumped up and tried to get the snow out of my pants, which was super-sexy.

Hopefully, I will have more blog material for you guys since I will probably be locked indoors for the foreseeable future. The only problem is it will all be about my LOTR marathon and what food stuffs I have managed to scrounge in the kitchen. Enjoy!

My father, the King, shovels the driveway during the first Snowpacalypse. For perspective: my father is 15 feet tall and the vehicle at the top of the driveway is a school bus.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Lindsay is a Hoarder!

I found this on a bigger, mo' better blog but really felt the need to post it.

Holy shit! Lindsay Lohan is a hoarder! Add that to the heap of other troubles she has. This is crazy, but not all that surprising. What's more surprising is seeing Niecy Nash out of her Reno Sheriff's department uniform. I didn't know she did stuff other than Reno 911.

But I digress. I really, really, really hope that A&E can get their act together and pull Lindsay onto their team for a Intervention/Hoarders combo platter. They could get the people into her house to clean all that shit out and when she has finally broken through the anxiety of throwing stuff away, they can open a big box and out can pop her family and friends. That would be a total shit show. At the very least you know every one in her family would participate just so they could be on TV. They should just intervene on the whole family and work all that shit out. They might need Ken, Candy and Jeff to pull this one off.

I think that show would get more viewers than the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Guys I'd Like to Kick in the Nuts: Pete Wentz

I imagine this could be the first of many, many posts under this title because, let's be honest, there are a lot of people I really want to kick in the nuts.

Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy is by no means at the top of this list. I don't think of my list as having a top. Its more like a giant plateau, where I keep all the guys whose nuts I want to kick and then get to them when the opportunity or desire strikes me.

This picture is reason enough to want to kick him in the balls real hard. Hipster douche. The Moon Boots were really annoying and the hood pissed me off a lot too, but the real kicker was the fucking backpack. Is that Louis Vuiton?! Kanye West barely pulled off that look, so there is no way this dildo is going to nail it. Also, isn't that kind of anti-hipster to have a designer leather backpack? Shouldn't it be one of the cheap Transformers backpacks from Target? Is that what the kids are doing?

Either way, look out Wentz. My size 11s are on a collision course with your scrote.

The Sexiest Thing I've Ever Seen: For Real

This is quite possibly the culmination of every geek's fantasy. The Internet may go supernova and engulf the Earth if this picture leaks out.

Its way better than that weird hentai stuff that's always popping up. Like Marge would do that to Peter Griffin and Brian, anyway.

Homer is a lucky man.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Aussie Gets Busted Looking at Nudey Pics on Live TV

This is a fun video and it teaches an important lesson: make sure there are no live shots going on in the office when you look at your porn. At the very least do the body block technique and obscure the images. That's the method I used to discreetly watch the Kim Kardashian sex tape at work a couple of years ago.

Honestly, I don't know why he would do that in such an open environment. Anybody can see what he's looking at... especially the TV CAMERA!

Anyway, the dude is in trouble with his bosses now and I think that's a shame. Its not like he was looking at a German shit video at work. It was shots of a supermodel from GQ. Hardly grounds for termination.

You'd think the country that still enjoys blackface would maybe be a little bit lenient with stuff like this.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Aubade

This is what popped up during a Google image search of "glorious dawn"

So after some technical difficulties concerning e-mails, spam, science and incredibly complex algorhythmns, I am again receiving my Word of the Day e-mail from Thank God.

Today's word fell under my WTF? category. I understandwhat it means and everything, I just don't see why it needs a special word. It reminds me of previous Word of the Day, Lucubration.

Aubade means "A song or poem greeting the dawn; also a composition suggestive of morning." More fancy words! One of the definition's examples spoke about a man who was still awake when "the birds began to warble their aubade." That sounds like the kind of sentence you would read on Slate.

The good news is that this word got me thinking about the beautiful dawn hours and how when I normally see them its through the windshield of my car on the highway. Under the right circumstances viewing ther dawning of a new day can be quite moving. But I don't see myself composing a sonnet or penning a few verses to a new song. That's something Enya or Sade would do, not me.

I guess I can't hate on the word too much though. "Good Day Sunshine" by The Beatles probably counts as an aubade and I kind of like that song. Also, doing Google image searches turned up some cool results like the awesome horse picture above and then this sweet one below.

This is what I think it would be like to live on Venus.

Also, doing an image search for "aubade" was a very pleasant surprise. Its also the name for a super-sexy line of lingerie, so I just got an eyeful of tremendous asses and boobies. The day is not a total loss.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Portraits of Badassery: Tears of the Sun

Now this movie might seem like an odd choice to call out when there are clearly many films worthy of a Portrait of Badassery. I certainly agree, there are a lot of films that are certified badass and I intend to give them their time to shine. Predator and Conan spring to mind as future entries.

Why did I choose Tears of the Sun? Because I just watched it and it is totally badass. For you troglodytes that have not yet seen the film, it stars Bruce Willis in what is arguably one of his coolest roles since the good Die Hard movies or Moonlighting.

Bruce is Lt. A.K. Waters, the leader of a group of Navy SEALs operating off of a carrier near western Africa. During a bloody civil war in Nigeria, Waters' team is called in to extract an Italian doctor (who is a U.S. citizen by marriage) and a priest and two nuns.

After a HALO jump, the team shows up looking all cool with their camo and sweet machine guns.

The soon meet Dr. Lena Kendricks (Monica Bellucci), who is wicked hot and refuses to leave the mission and all of the people under her care.

They convince her to leave and bring along a bunch of the people from the mission who will most assuredly be killed if they stay and wait for the rebels to show up. The priest and the two nuns decide to stay and try to stop the rebels from harming anyone. Smart move.

When the team makes it to their extraction point, they secure the doctor in the helicopter and proceed to leave all of the people from the mission, which obviously pisses her off. En route to the carrier, they fly over the mission and find that it has been destroyed. It is at this point that Waters decides to defy orders and do the right thing, turning the chopper around to protect the people from the mission and get them safely to the Cameroon border.

This is where shit gets cool. The SEALs try and move as quickly as possible but find that the rebels are gaining on them, leading to lots of firefights in the woods and a bunch of real American heroes furthering our country's foreign policy through superior firepower and training.

Some badass highlights of the movie include Cole Hauser setting up explosives and slowing down the rebel force, the whole SEAL team using silenced weapons to take out a squad of dudes "cleansing" a village and the big gun battle at the end where the eight SEALs advance on the hundreds of rebels and mess some shit up. Also jets show up and carpet bomb the shit out of the place.

Now this isn't the greatest movie I have ever seen, but like the title of my blog entry suggests, its one of the most badass. Its a nice action film with some heart to it. You won't cry or anything (like with Armageddon), but dammit you will respect those soldiers for the choices they made.

I know this movie is cool because I have thought about how I totally would have played Tears of the Sun with my friends if I were a kid. Also, I don't know what Tears of the Sun means but that might just be incidental.

I have also learned that there is an extended edition that features 20 extra minutes. I can only presume that contained in this 20 minutes are more gunfights and probably a scene where Dr. Kendricks finds some time to get away from the stress of their pursuit and bathe naked in a waterfall in the Nigerian jungle. That's what I would have added if I were the director.

In summation, Tears of the Sun = badass.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Drunk History

I spent most of last week and a good part of the weekend watching these short films repeatedly. They're pretty damn great.

The premise is that the filmmakers get one of their friends drunk and then have them retell stories from history and get celebrities to act them out. They even use the drunken voiceovers.

One of the new shorts (I've only seen a brief clip of it) one the Jury Prize for Short Film at the Sundance Film Festival just last week. It featured a tale of the meeting between Abraham Lincoln (played by Will Ferrell) and Frederick Douglass (Don Cheadle). Another short that was entered detailed the rivalry between Thomas Edison and Nicola Tesla and featured Crispin Glover and John C. Reilly.

Above is one featuring Jack Black and Clark Duke as Benjamin and Will Franklin. Below is another with Franklin and is probably my favorite one.

To check out the rest, click here.

SNL Digital Short: The Curse