Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Granny Beatdown!

I have been sitting on this one for a little bit now, but I feel like its time this video had it's day in the sun.

I can't quite make out the language being spoken ( I didn't really try), but I can only assume that it is Italian because only my fellow dagos would get involved in fisticuffs like this. Or rather watch their grandmother get involved in fisticuffs like this. Also, those old ladies look a lot like my great-aunts that used to try and force-feed my sister and I pasta when we would visit them on Christmas Day. They also thought my sister's name was Kimley, which we still laugh about to this day.

Now I will admit that I didn't expect very much from this video but I was very pleasantly surprised. Especially with that first take down! That tiny, hunched lady is a real spitfire. I suspect that she got mad at her sister (or friend) because she interrupted her in the kitchen and ruined her big, tomato sauce.

What is most shocking is that the spectators let these geriatrics actually fight and are laughing about it the whole time. I probably don't need to point out that someone is filming this debacle as well.

I think common sense dictates that if you see your grandma chasing someone down, ready to throw hands, you step in a put a stop to it. You don't wait and see what happens so you can get hits on YouTube. This is how hips get broken. Then grandma just isn't the same after that.

At the very least break it up when they both hit the ground. I think that's a fair compromise and it keeps Uncle Giuseppe from having to wake up from his nap and stop his mom from committing murder.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Automated Telemarketing Calls

So this one is going to be quick because I have never really dealt with this for more than a second. I normally hang up immediately. Also, I really don't want this post to sound like a shitty stand-up comedy routine, but I think I have already lost that battle.

The calls that I am referring to are the telemarketing calls (or even calls from services that you use and and like) where when you pick up the phone, an automated voice informs you that the call is in regard to your Verizon calling plan or whatever and then asks that you wait until a representative is available to talk to you. Then you are supposed to sit and wait until someone has the time to speak with you.

WTF? Why am I on hold? You called me. Maybe wait until there is an actual rep ready before you dial my number.

This is immensely irritating. I just don't get this hands-off approach. I can't imagine spending 8 hours a day calling people on the phone, so I respect that they can do it, but this whole approach has left a bad taste in my mouth.

The really annoying thing is that they keep calling me back. Normally, I wouldn't even pick up the call from such a strange number but it kept coming through. Now that I know what it is, I promise that I will never pick up the phone when they call ever again.

Also, would I be using my minutes while I waited on hold for them to try and convince me to add more minutes to my calling plan? That would not be cool at all.

Has this happened to anyone else before?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Lightning Strikes Thrice!

Since I am totes sensitive and enjoy nothing more than a good thunderstorm (for cuddling, of course!), I thought I might post up this very cool video of lightning hitting the three tallest buildings in Chicago.

(Sensitive interlude)

The other day we had a thunderstorm and as I was driving I saw a thunderhead before me. It towered in the sky and you could see the lightning arcing and flashing within the clouds. It was a very beautiful sight to see. I had to pull over my car to get a better look. As I wrapped my shivering body in the afghan I knitted myself, I was overcome with emotion. Rarely does the world share something so beautiful with you and I was moved by it. It made me feel blessed and I rushed home to record my thoughts in my journal.

(End sensitive interlude)

I'm guessing those panties are dropping right about now. If that shit didn't work, then just watch the video and leave me alone. Turn down the video's sound and play Metallica's Ride the Lightning for some extra crispy fun.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Hot Nude Crab!

This is Barf Bag City. I knew the concept of molting existed and I knew what it was but it was always still just an abstract concept to me. Now that I've seen it done I am more in awe of nature and its ability to imitate horror films than ever before. I am also more creeped out by nature.

The crab looks like it is growing some weird, huge tumor and then another crab pops out of the growth! If you didn't know what was going on you might have though you just saw something supernatural. I guess it just pulls its legs out of the leg shells too. It's so weird!

To all the Marylanders out there, this is how you get soft-shell crabs. The regular one busts out of its small shell and sheds its like some weird medieval shapeshifter. Gross. This is why I don't eat them. Also, I don't like eating the weird gummy shell and all the organs that I normally pick out and throw away on a steamed hard-shell.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Worst Maury Povich Has to Offer

This video speaks for itself, I think. Someone took the very best part of each Maury Povich Show and jammed them all together into one amazing package.

When I watch this I am immediately gripped with fear. I have always said that I would be a total pushover with my daughter should I ever have one, and I'm worried she may end up like this. I really don't know that I could handle this. I probably wouldn't want to deal with her if she was a sweet and well-mannered teenager. This seems like some special circle of Hell. I think I am man enough to draw the line if she tries to punch me in my face or stick a screwdriver in my leg or pawns my jury. That's just not cool.

Also, I was not aware that the day Obama became president we had the right to do whatever the hell we wanted to. That's good information to have.

I guess I'll just have to hope and pray that superior genetics, education and actually parenting my child will win out in the end. What other weapons do we have in this battle?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Samba Baby

This might be a difficult pill for you all to swallow but this kid is kind of a better dancer than me. It (I say "it" because of its androgyny) does have the benefit of Latin genetics, which I can only assume plays some part in its ability to move to the spicy rhythms of its people.

I am a little jealous. But I won't let that stand in the way of your enjoyment. Pay special attention to the child and maybe someday we'll see it on one of the many reality shows where people show off their talents. This could happen sooner than you think if the parents wise up and cash in on the baby's popularity.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Bigfoot in NC!

If you've been with me for a while then you probably know that I love a good Bigfoot story. Most of them are complete bullshit. You might even argue that all of the stories are total bullshit since there is no concrete evidence that Bigfeet and their creature cousins even exist. But I've always said absence of proof is not proof of absence. Besides where is the fun in being anti-Bigfoot?

In any event, the second this video started I knew it would have a home here. In fact, I knew I wanted to follow this story last week when I saw the man's quote in my morning paper.

I love how the creature was 10-feet-tall with gorgeous blond hair. I like to think of a super-tall Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall when I picture the creature, only with six fingers on each hand. It certainly makes for a fun mental image.

I think my favorite part of the video has to be the cop. He really does not want to be doing the TV interview and it shows. I guess I can't blame him though. How many times has he be called out to the Sticks because some hillbilly drank too much shine and dynamited his foot or drownt his dog in the wash tub? You'd like to think that a Bigfoot siting might break up the day a bit, but it looks like our fearless public servant is far too jaded for that.

The most important role this video plays is as a public service message to the good people of Cleveland County in North Carolina. If you encounter a monster with beautiful hair just rough talk it a bit and it won't eat your dogs.

"Git! Git!"

Sunday, June 20, 2010

All Hail the King of Dundalk and the Other Dads on This Their Special Day!

The good King of Dundalk and unsung hero of Gazze, doing what he does best.

May the just and noble Lord rule for many years to come. And, lo, may his House and the fruit of his loins survey the land and govern with the righteous might ordained from above until the earth cracks and firmament shakes! Amen.

Also, Happy Father's Day to all the real men out there being a father to they child. They know who they are. Enjoy your new ties, fellas!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Postcards from the Land of the Rising Sun: Stacking Food on Dogs

So leave it to our Japanese compatriots to come up with a game show idea that is alternately hilarious and horribly cruel. In case you didn't guess, the idea behind this segment is for people to stack as much food as they can on their pets without them moving or eating the tasty morsels.

Its funny because dogs are awesome and all they want to do is eat and please us, so they truly are caught between the horns of a dilemma. I think the first dog is probably the best. He's so hungry that you can see the drool just streaming out of his little doggie mouth. Poor little guy.

Let's not forget that people really, really love their dogs, so once they've had their cruel little bit of fun, the dog is totally going to be taken care of. I think the black lab ate all 30 of the treats they put on his head for being such a good boy.

The chimpanzee you can keep. I do like that they built a cocoon of 1,000 bananas but chimps are filthy cannibals in the wild so I don't care if he's happy when he gets to eat a banana in the end. Chimps eat human babies too so they could have kept him in that banana prison for all I care.

But I digress. Japan has given us another great view into their culture and unsurprisingly we are more alike then we ever would have thought. I guess one of the things that makes us all humans is the love of fucking with our dogs.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Know Your MCs: 50 Tyson

Ladies and gentleman meet the newest player in the rap game, 50 Tyson. In addition to strangely biting on a more popular rapper's name, this guy has no real talent to speak of.

Newsflash! It's not a Sweet 16 if you're a dude. It's also not a Sweet 17 at all. Plus you should have said you were from Minny-ho-ho. I think that's what the kids on the streets call Minnesota nowadays.

I can't wait for this kid's album to drop. That shit is going to be off the chain.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Porn Star Pizza Delivery

This is a very fun video. I've always loved the porn set-up with the pizza delivery guy. Its such a classic porn cliche that you can trust it will never leave us. Especially if the fellas at Big Sausage Pizza have anything to say about it.

But seriously, who the hell invites the guy in so you can pay him? Has a pizza delivery guy ever been in your house before? And I'm not referring to friends that are in that line of work that happen to come over. I'll bet you don't even open the door all the way when you greet the guy and pay for your pizza. You're totally afraid he might see inside or something.

I imagine pizza delivery guy is one of the most awkward jobs in the world. The transaction itself is probably pretty awkward, but I bet its the walk up to the door that is the worst. You never know if when you get there this will be one of those instances where you get hassled by some asshole or the one time in a million where the girl invites you in and proceeds to pay for her pizza in another way.

I guess these guys are dreamers at heart.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Let the Mullet Hunt Begin!

Just so you know, its not all fun and games around here. Every now and again, I roll up my shirtsleeves and really delve deep into the issues that effect your community. I may not like it, but as a good royal I must do it for the betterment of my people.

I came across just such an issue this weekend. I was spending some time with some friends at the Zoo hoping to see some animals do it, when I walked smack dab into this!

In my head I heard the horns sound and I knew the Mullet Hunt had begun! There is a lot going on in that picture so if you need a moment, feel free.

Back? OK, good. On to the analysis. Its kind of a rarity to find a fully formed female mullet in the wild. Normally, they're too lazy to get off the couch and prefer to stick closer to the nest. For some reason, this one decided to leave Pigtown for the day and we are the beneficiaries of this rare surge of ambition.

As you will notice, the hair up top is really, really short. She just doesn't give a shit anymore. Its easy for her to just keep those tight curls where they are and not worry about anything. Did she have kids? Of fucking course she did. People like this don't not breed.

Next, please enjoy the really nice outfit. She employed her good, black bra to try and contain her giant tits. It didn't work so good, boss. Then we have her capris, I guess and her awesome leg tattoo of undetermined origin. Since she is from Baltimore there is a better than average chance she has other tattoos on her person as well. Probably something with a Confederate flag or Winnie the Pooh.

Now lets go for the gold and see what we're dealing with up front.

Ooooooooh! Princess, you're makin' my mouth water!

She was a classy lady too. She didn't scream at her kids at all while we were at the Zoo. I'm fucking with you. You was yelling the whole time. She also interacted with those in my party. When my sister and her friend Kelley were pushing an empty stroller (the kid was out walking), the mullet in question, thinking she caught another mother napping, inquired "Where's da kid?"

With the father, lady. Maybe you should look into that someday. And speaking of her male counterpart, who was definitely not the father of all the children present, look at that dingleberry. He's no better. I'll leave the obvious faults to you and take a moment to point out his negative sideburns. He really took that to the next level. He almost shaved from the crown of his head on down. That's a PWT move if I've ever seen one.

All of these shots were brought to you courtesy of my nice telephoto lens. I was never closer than 10 feet (and that was accidental) so don't be alarmed for your dear, favorite blogger. I escaped unscathed. Those people did leave a stain on my soul that I may have difficulty washing out, no matter how hard I try.

It's really hard being better than everyone.

The Prom Date

This video (its a commercial really) has it all. It comes from Jason Bateman and Will Arnett's production company and features the two Arrested Development stars. It also stars Rachel Harris and my new favorite lady, Aubrey Plaza, playing her typical bitchy role.

Orbitz gum usually makes some fun little commercials and this is no exception. I mostly put it up here because its the closest thing we've had to an Arrested Development reunion in a long time, and because Arnett plays skeevy to perfection.

I think you guys might dig it.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Something Fun for Your Friday

Here is a little something for all the ladies, courtesy of my good friend Greg Nice. I saw this a while ago but just today thought it might be fun for others to see. I'm selfish. Sue me.

In any event, if this doesn't kickstart your Friday like an EpiPen to the heart I don't know what will.

Fun fact: That is his actual penis in the video.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Amateur Weatherman (?) Predicts Huge Cali Earthquake

Well that was an afternoon well spent my friend. I'm not one to make fun of the mentally deficient or anything like that so I'll... ah hell I couldn't even make it through the sentence.

I actually don't think there is anything wrong with this guy's mental facilities. I think he might just need to feel the touch of a woman. It's amazing how that effects your mind and makes you get your shit together. Girls are the sole reason teenage boys get jobs. Really. That's it.

If the lady situation is not happening organically then maybe its time for Dad to step in and hire a professional. Do I think all fathers should hire prostitutes to help make their weird, shy sons normal? No. That's crazy talk. But in this guy's case it probably couldn't hurt.

Until that day, my friend, keep the reports coming. California and the surrounding states are much safer thanks to your diligence.

Give the Drummer Some!

So apparently when it rains Texas, it pours Texas. Check out my boys in Rick K. and the Allnighters (what an awesome name!). Fresh off their appearance at the Texas Motor Speedway, the fellas decided to drop in on some weird snake-handling church and play some good, old Texas-style ROCK 'N' ROLL!

What might that be, you ask? Why do you even have to ask?, I ask. It's ZZ Top, fool! What other band would it be?

Now I probably don't have to say this, but play special attention to the drummer during this video. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I'm not sure how Texas really figures into all of this but for some reason it just fits. I'm thinking of buy some boots, a Stetson and a huge belt buckle and moving down there. How does the Prince of Dallas sound?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Backwards Sunglasses

This is a pet peeve that I didn't realize I had until it came and smacked me in the face this morning on my daily commute. I don't have a real problem with this like I do with criss-crossed bacon on my burgers, but by now you know me well enough to get the picture.

This is certainly not a good look. I don't think there are any girls out there putting this little thing on their "List" of guy traits. The only real purpose I think it serves is letting people see your expensive Oakley Blades even when its not all that sunny. It might also help guys remember where they put their glasses when they leave the apr├Ęs-softball binge-drinking session. The should still exercise caution though because the force from one too many high-fives might knock the glasses loose and then you are S.O.L., buddy.

But seriously, don't most pants and shorts come with pockets these days? Do most people's pockets just not work? I didn't think there were too many moving parts, so they shouldn't be breaking. Just put the sunglasses in there until the sun comes out from behind the clouds. It will save us all a lot of headaches.

Its not like I'm putting my eyeglasses on the back of my head when I don't need to see things.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Obama in Tag Team Video?

This is without a doubt one of my all-time favorite conspiracy theories (is it really a conspiracy? Screw it.) and the best thing I heard today. Apparently, there are anonymous tipsters (Michael Steele, I'm looking at you) that seem to think our president, Barack Obama, was in Tag Team's "Whoomp (There It Is)" video waaaaaaay back in 1993.

Fuckin' rad, man.

Gawker broke this story over the weekend and I'd really like to thank them for running with it even though it is one of the most retarded things I have ever seen. Click here for the story and the video (the Prez jumps off at about the 1:01 mark). Make sure you break out your Cross Colors and Get Used gear first, because really, what the hell else were you saving it for?

How great would it be if this was true? I can't see the Prez reppin' Compton though. He'd be wearing a White Sox hat if that were really him. I once read an interview where he actually shouted out the south side of Chicago. Like a real shout out. He made his point about the Cubs vs. Sox and then went "Southside!" No bullshit.

Maybe he was in the video.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Mondo Spider!

And just like that, the world moves one step closer to Imperial domination.

Nothing says military might like an awkwardly designed assault vehicle moving very slowly towards an enemy base. Also, don't worry about the vehicle's legs getting tangled up and tripping because of a stout cable or rope. They'll never think of that.

ICP's "Miracles" Covered by Annoying Hipster Band

I'm not going to defend the Insane Clown Posse for their shitty music, but I really can't stand when bands like this decide to cover songs like that. I get that tongues are firmly planted in cheek and I think that's why its so annoying to me. Oh, what a delicious caprice!

I hate post-ironic shit like this. Just leave well enough alone. If you are doing something because you think its going to make you look clever to some ass paying $5 for a can of PBR then please go jump off of a bridge.

There is really nothing you can do to make this song sound cute and twee. In fact, nothing is really going to top the original version, which is without a doubt one of the most ridiculous songs I have ever heard. Its been all over the Innernette for months, but if you haven't heard it yet, please, please, please indulge your inner Juggalo and watch the video. It shows Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope waxing philosophic about all kinds of things that fascinate them like fuckin' magnets and long-necked giraffes. You know, the kind of shit that will shock your eyelids.

So please enjoy the original, but not too much. I don't need any Juggalos hanging around my blog. Take that shit to the 7-Eleven parking lot or Hot Topic.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Oooooooooh! Them Duke boys!

More awesome shit from the Lonestar State. Where to begin?

This incredible feat occurred right outside of Dallas/Ft. Worth airport at 6 a.m. The driver, Yasmine Villasana, was clearly hammered but claimed that she had had one vodka and cranberry the night before. Right.

I think a good question to ask if you are the arresting officer might be something like "If you're not drunk, why did you try and get back into your car after it caught fire?"

She actually did that. In any event, the driver made it out with only a broken wrist, but I'm guessing she missed her flight.

So congratulations Ms. Villasana. Your name will live in infamy. You are also on the inside track to make the inaugural class of The Prince of Dundalk Hall of Fame whenever I get around to opening it.

There is Not Much to Say About This...

Whoever came up with this, I commend you. It's truly a master stroke.

I think Betty would give Ramirez and Clan MacLeod a run for their money, especially if the fought to a Queen soundtrack. I'd also pay to see her during The Quickening.

(Sorry Rue, Bea and Estelle. I think that as comedic actors you can appreciate the humor here.)

Since It's Friday and I'm a Geek...

... I present to you the new trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The movie is based on the very fun comic series by Bryan Lee O'Malley and details the adventures of Scott Pilgrim as he begins dating the girl of his dreams, Ramona Flowers. He soon learns that he must battle her seven evil exes if he wants to continue dating her and what ensues is a series of video game/comic style battles with the super-powered villains.

The movie stars Michael Cera and also features Aubrey Plaza, who I have recently fallen in love with thanks to her bitchy turn as April in Parks and Recreation.

This movie looks like a lot of fun and has got my geeky parts tingling, so check it out.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

R.I.P. Blanche

Rue, seen here in her younger days with international sex symbol Dustin Hoffman

It was reported that Rue McClanahan passed away this morning after suffering a massive stroke. She had previously suffered a stroke in November and never fully recovered.

I will refrain from making "thank you for being a friend" references and just say that the Emmy Award-winning actress was an integral part of a cast that helped to create one of TV's greatest sitcoms. Her saucy, sex-starved Blanche Devereaux was always a delight, even when I didn't get all of the naughty references. If you don't believe me, you can borrow my Golden Girls Season 1 DVD set.

Betty White is now the only surviving member of the Golden Girls cast.

Check out a cool interview of Rue below in support of her book My First 5 Husbands... And the Ones Who Got Away.

Naughty Spelling Bee

It's Bee Week in Washington, D.C. and to celebrate I thought I might steal this video of a funny kid at a spelling bee. There are about a million videos of kids doing funny shit at spelling bees but I like this one the best. Its more situational humor than laughing at the nerd passing out or getting really excited for getting a spelling bee.

I was a good speller too. I used to get 100%s on my spelling tests all the time but I decided to keep my preternatural abilities where they belonged... in school. I didn't get all Hollywood about it like these kids. I have no regrets.

In any event, I like how this kid got nervous because he thought he was going to have to spell the word in front of his parents. What a Catch-22, huh? You've won the bee, but have eternally shamed yourself in your parents' eyes by spelling a naughty word. Would that be a hollow victory? Its not like he's doing it for the 'hood like in Akeelah and the Bee.

But I digress. Numbnuts. Ha!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

So I Guess We'll See This on The Office Next Season

Maybe if Andy proposes to Erin on the show, we'll get to see the whole gang get in on some of this action. We can only hope.

I don't want to cheapen what is clearly a very sweet moment, but really? Do girls actually like this kind of stuff. Do you really want to see your future-husband dancing around like an ass in a public park before he pops the question?

What happened to putting the ring in the glass of champagne and tipping the violinist $20 to play your song? I feel like I need Michael Bay to choreograph an elaborate car chase and blow up an iconic building just so I can keep up with the proposals these days.

I think that maybe I'm just not into the spectacle of the whole thing. I prefer my affairs to have a little more class than that.

When I propose to my future wife I plan to take her out onto a beautiful and romantic yacht. There will be white whine, shrimp cocktail and the dulcet tones of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins to help a mellow mood permeate the evening. And when the sun is just about to dip below the horizon and the moment is absolutely perfect, I will dive into the still waters and begin fighting a Great White shark (he's in on the act). Right when it seems like I'm about to be defeated, I will plunge my hand into its heart Mola Ram-style and pull out the still-beating organ with a beautiful platinum Tiffany engagement ring attached to it with a velvet ribbon.

Once I've eaten the heart and absorbed the shark's life energy and essence, I will clean the gore off the ring, get down on one knee and ask her to be my forever girl and then demand that she carry my seed. Beautiful, isn't it?

I've always been a bit of a romantic.

Everything is Bigger in Texas...

... including the assholes, apparently.