Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: That's a Situation!

Oh how I've missed this. They never get old to me. I hope they don't get old to you either. This time around, baby sis visits grandma's house and becomes The Situation's bang maid. Enjoy.

I was in Dotsy's house, but she wasn't there and The Situation came over. I was making eggplant parmesan, but heated up some leftover eggplant parm for him. I heated it in a Styrofoam container, but saw that melted away so I plated it for him. We were just hanging out, I thought per chance we could bang, but it was more of a friendly visit. I heard some rustling around upstairs and then Dad came down the stairs, tripping and totally wasted. The Situation pretty much bolted after he introduced himself and I thought it looked so sketchy, like I was running a bang session. When he introduced himself, he was all thuggish, and I was so embarrassed.

Not nearly as embarrassed as the family when we try and explain my sister. Also, I am still waiting on that free psychiatric advice for her. Don't be stingy, dammit.

Friday, December 24, 2010

New Take on a Holiday Classic

So this is a fun little video just in time for your Yule celebrations. It harkens back to a simpler time when guys as mismatched as Bing Crosby and David Bowie would get together to sing Christmas carols together. I think people are still trying to figure that one out.

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly stay kind of faithful to the old duet up until a point. Then they take it off into a nice awkward direction. I am always surprised by how moved I am by Ferrell's dulcet tones.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Princess Bride... Now with More Lightsaber!

I usually think I'm a cool guy, but then I stumble across something like this and realize how impossibly geeky I really am. I was grinning like an idiot for the entire two minutes.

I'm not sure there is anything that is not imporved by a little lightsaber action.

The fact that I really enjoy The Princess Bride is probably a further reflection on my geekiness, but I'm OK with that because chicks really love this movie too. It defies classification. It's a chick flick with some boss sword fighting thrown in. Plus there was a giant rat.

Aaaaaaaaand Andre the Giant!

In summation, The Princess Bride is damn near perfect. Lightsabers and Jedis might be the only thing that would make the movie better.

Or tits. I forgot about those.

Monday, December 13, 2010

More Reasons to Love Bea Arthur

This is all over the Internet, but I feel as though I am doing a disservice if I don't share this with my loyal subject.

It appears that Bea Arthur, contrary to her public statements, did a stint in the Marines.

What a bad ass.

She served under her birth name of Bernice Frankel and as you can see is tall as shit. She enlisted in 1943 and served for 30 months in the Women's Reserve as a typist and truck driver. Strangely enough, she has always publicly denied that she served. It's not like people can't check. I guess someone finally did.

During her enlistment, she took part in interviews that contributed to a "personality appraisal" that called her "argumentative" and "over aggressive." That's my girl. I feel like she would have fit in well with the hard-ass women in my family. She would have been my favorite great-aunt or something and would have constantly busted my balls.

The only blemish on her record was a misconduct report from when she contracted a venereal disease and was laid up for five days as a result. That's a vicious VD.

If you want all the sordid details, visit The Smoking Gun.

Semper Fi, Bea! You're in elite company.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: CNN Screw-Up On Air

This one is going to be short and sweet. There really doesn't need to be much in the way of explanation or analysis. I will say this: someone screwed the pooch over at CNN. But we're all winners thanks to his mistake.

I remember when I first saw this scene in the theaters when I was in high school. I almost wet myself (I was like 16. Then again, I would probably react the same today.). My buddy Smooth B laughed so hard he almost jumped into the seat in front of him. Thus a comedy classic was born and a good time was had by all.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Merry F'ing Christmas

Nothing like a little Slayer to get you in the holiday spirit. It's either this or Bing Crosby.

If neither of those work, I can't help you. You're probably dead inside. Do us all a favor and retire to the wilderness and live out your days in solitude.

Monday, November 29, 2010

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

As many of you may or may not have heard, veteran actor Leslie Nielsen passed away this Sunday at the age of 84 years old. He is best known for his work in the classic comedy Airplane! as well as the Naked Gun series of films.

I personally think this guy is a legend and hold the first Naked Gun as one of the funniest movies ever. The scene with him shimmying around the outside of the building will always stick with me as well as this gem.

I wish he would have visited the Frank Dreben role one last time.

"Look! It's Enrico Palazzo!"

Friday, November 19, 2010


MTV decides to remake Teen Wolf as a TV series and this is what we get? I am incensed right now. This is basically Twilight with a werewolf kid in it. I'm praying that the rights weren't sold so they could create this.

PS Boy gets bitten by werewolf, must come to grips with animal inside is really overdone. Granted, that was the conceit in the original Teen Wolf, but they pulled it off with a little more style. In the end, Scott Howard realized he didn't need the wolf. He learned to be happy in his own skin.

This show doesn't seem to have a lot going for it but there are clearly some glaring omissions. Where is Styles? Where is Boof? I loved Boof and that girl in the trailer is no Boof. Where is the understanding Dad who is also a fluffy werewolf? Also, why does this kid just grow fangs and sideburns when he turns into a werewolf? That is the lamest transformation ever. I would much rather see the Michael J. Fox (or Jason Bateman) long-hair-all-over look.

If this kid doesn't wolf-out on the lacrosse field and become super-popular as a result then this show can't be saved. I'm willing to bet that the "Give me. A keg. Of beer." scene is nowhere near this remake. And I guarantee you there is no van surfing either. The kid is just going to spend all his time brooding for the camera.

Color me disappointed.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Prince Tries a McRib: The Post-Mortem

The sandwich in question, resting on a totally classy placemat.

So as many of you have no doubt heard, McDonalds' McRib made its triumphant return to the fast food giant this month. People across the country have been going nuts over this thing. I admit that when the McRib was in its heyday, I never ventured to try it. I always missed out on its subsequent limited engagements, as well. When I learned last month that it would return, I decided that I would try one, come hell or high water.

So this weekend I decided that I should just take the plunge and snag one from the local Mickey D's. I was a little leery of eating the sandwich (and McDonalds in general) since I saw that picture of the pink paste that eventually becomes Chicken McNuggets, but I pressed on for the sake of my readers. What would you do without me?

The McRib box very helpfully informs you that you are about to eat pork through the use of this well-drawn picture of a pig. This would prove invaluable later on when I tasted the sandwich and needed to convince myself that it was pork and not possibly man-flesh. I don't know what the scoop is for though. Presumably it is loaded up with powdered preservatives.

The McRib passed in the inital occular patdown. That's a McRib all right. It's also pretty saucy and messy, just like ribs! This might not be too bad.

When you go down one layer deeper we see the actual porkish patty and tangy BBQ sauce along with a shitload of onions and pickles. I've never had ribs covered with onions and pickles so I don't know why the sandwich is covered with them. I honestly don't understand why McDonalds puts onions on their Happy Meal burgers either, but that is a topic for another time. I could talk for days about that.

Next up came the cross-section of the sandwich. I feel that this adds some legitimacy to the whole sordid affair. It also allows you to check out the inner working of the McRib. It wasn't pretty. After looking at the cross section for a bit, I got the creeping suspicion that the McRib began it's life as a pink paste much like the Chicken McNuggets that now haunt my nightmares. That didn't exactly inspire confidence in me.

I decided that it was time to put up or shut and just dove right into the sandwich. I took my first bite and came to the immediate conclusion that the McRib pretty much just tasted like BBQ sauce. That's it. It wasn't even a particularly great BBQ sauce. It was just a sauce. The only other flavor was the bread. Despite being a flavorless patty that looks surprisingly like a sandal, the McRib did actually contribute something to the sandwich. It added texture. Unfortunately, the best way to describe the texture of the McRib patty itself is "slippery." It had a spongey quality to it and yet my teeth slid through it very easily. Almost too easily. I immediately began to think about weird meat grown in sci-fi labs a la "The Space Merchants" (Nerd Alert!). Strangely enough I did not throw up. It could have actually been weird future meat I probably would have kept it down. I just didn't enjoy it.

Thoroughly repulsed by my first bite, I decided to give it another one and see if it got any better. It may shock you to find out that it did not. The second bite was as bad as the first. Possibly worse since I knew what I was getting into this time.

I threw in the towel after that.

Fortunately for you, I like to play with my food, so I took this picture that very clearly shows the "ribs" of the McRib patty, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Did they test market and ribless version and find that customers wanted the illusion of bones in their sandwich? Did it make the experience more believable? I wish I knew.

Thankfully I had the foresight to order a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for myself on the off-chance that I did not like the McRib. After my experiment I was looking like a damn genius. That's not to say that the burger was good though. It sucked pretty bad too but it didn't McRib suck. The guy at the drive-thru also screwed up in a good way and gave me two orders of fries instead of the one I ordered, so the night was not a total loss.

Thinking on the McRib's popularity, I am left scratching my head. Is this the way it always was? Was it better back in the day? I really don't get why people love it so much. Hell, The Simpsons even did an episode about Homer touring the country and eating the Krusty Burger version of the sandwich. The McRib is some kind of weird cult icon and I just feel left out. It's like The Rocky Horror Picture Show of fast food sandwiches.

The other thing that really burned me up about the McRib is that it made me think about the delicious BBQ I could be having instead. There are a million places I would rather eat a BBQ pork sandwich from and they would all be phenomenal. I guess the McRib is kind of like getting a McCrab Cake. If you are a smart eater then you know better than to buy it. In this case I was not. Lesson learned.

Anyway, if you are a McRib fan then I am sorry for denouncing your god. I know how fanatical you guys can be. Don't bomb my house or anything. Just keep those sandwiches away from me. I'm still having trouble sleeping thanks to this thing.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Man Eats Beard in Lawnmower Sale Dispute. God Bless the South

I hate to rely so much on videos but when you find something like this, you don't not share it with everyone you know.

There is a lot going on in this video so it may take a few times to soak it all in. The gist of it is that two brothers were kicking it and these drunk dudes tried to buy a lawnmower for $250 from said brothers (the brothers got the mower for $2. SCANDAL!). Then the two drunk dudes figured they were getting cheated so out came the knives and guns and everything went haywire.

Long story short, the drunk guys forced the man in the ultra-classy "Southern Style" hat to eat his own beard, which totally makes sense when you think about it. What would you do if someone was trying to cheat you on the sale of a lawnmower? Punch them? Walk away from the deal? You clearly aren't from Lexington, Kentucky, the Horse Capital of the World. When you suspect a cheat, you feed that son of a bitch his beard at knifepoint. That's the Lexington Way.

And if you're the poor shit who ate his own beard at knifepoint? You take your story to the people and demand justice, because public humiliation is also the Lexington Way.

The person I feel sorriest for is the local TV reporter sent out to cover this kind of stuff. You don't graduate from college with a degree in journalism and then go on a crusade to uncover all the beard-eating crime across the nation. You sit in class dreaming of becoming Tom Brokaw or going on TV and busting up a reviled public figure a la Frost/Nixon. You're busy writing you Pulitzer speech not thinking of hard-hitting questions to ask the guy who ate his own beard.

I guess we all have to start somewhere though. I'll bet even Brian Williams has a story like this in his clips.

Also, that guy looks like Teen Wolf's dad.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

He. Could. Go. All. The. Way!

So this video makes the blog because I love it when teams use trickery to pull a fast one on an unsuspecting opponent. Stuff like this reminds me of all the kids' sports movies I watched when I was younger like The Bad News Bears, The Sandlot or the always awesome Little Giants.

There is something inherently exciting about using a trick play like this as opposed to a simple, well-rehearsed low-risk play. That's why pro teams always win the crowd over when they run reverses or flea flickers. It reminds us all of playing with our buddies after school.

This play is particularly terrific because it completely catches the other team napping. I know they are kids, but the coaches on sideline should have been yelling. I love watching the kid casually walk through the D-line like he has a question. It's like watching Peyton Manning run a bootleg.

It would have been awesome if he was able to walk all the way to the end zone. I will giuve credit where credit is due, #19 had some wheels. He's also the only one that recognized what was going on. Even the deep safety was just standing there watching while #19 was trying to pull him down. Nice job, guy.

Pizza and milkshakes are for winners, but I still hope #19 got some after the game.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Henry Rollins vs. the Hipsters

This is awesome. I love how Henry Rollins deconstructs these kids. In his defense, those people were trying to be cute for the TV cameras. I guess they are pissed that some sell-out came to their spot. Now it's going to get blown up.

Henry might have overreacted though. The man was clearly on edge as soon as he walked in the joint. He kept talking about how he was the old sell-out and they were the hip, elitists. It's like he was itching for a conflict. Either way, it's awesome if you enjoy awkward social interations. And I certainly do.

I don't think you can question Henry Rollins' cred. The man was in Black Flag. Good enough for me. If I saw him in public I would probably say something remarkably stupid like "Henry Rollins! TV Party, man! Rock on!" And I would have been OK with that.

I almost feel like Henry is ashamed of himself or something. It's like an inner battle with his old, punk self and he needs to over-compensate. I guess it would be one thing to do that if you were by yourself, but he brought the camera crew along to rip into the chick.

I like how tired he looks when the guy gives him his band's record too. This video was hilarious. I like Henry Rollins but he kind of reminded me of a crotchety, old man yelling at kids for stepping on his lawn.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kid Gets Detention for Farting on Bus

WTF, man? I can't believe this warrants a write-up on the school bus. Or a news story for that matter.

In all my years of riding a school bus, I only saw one kid get in trouble. They got written up because they were climbing under the seats and scaring people. Then one kid rocked him in the face with their lunch box and gave him a bloody nose. As you can imagine, this was a huge deal for us. The bus driver turned the bus around and took them back to school so the administrators could deal with the problem. I think both of the kids got in trouble.

All I really remember is being super-pissed when we had to go back to school. I was like "Super Friends starts at 3 o'clock, whether I am in front of the TV or not. Let's not screw this up for me." Our bus driver was kind of a jerky lady though.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that bus driver is totally stifling this kid's comedic talent. Farts are gold at that age. They're kind of gold at any age. When you cut the fart material out of the little guy's act, he's left with like two minutes. I think farting on the bus is who Jim Carrey got his start. Where would he be without those early days?

Also, does the kid get written up if he says excuse me after he breaks like the wind? If he does then this bus driver needs to be evaluated. You deal with kids everyday. It's a fart. Get over it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pros and Cons of My Awesome Beard

This is not me. Unfortunately.

So if you are my mother or perhaps one of my three swooning female fans, you might ask "When are you going to shave your beard so we can see your beautiful face?" When confronted with this I usually deflect the question and weasel my way out of it. I do this because a) I am a very, very humble man and do not like to be the center of attention and b) this is a question I struggle with on a daily basis.

It's not that I don't like my beard. I really do. It's just that like most things there are pros and cons to its existence. Not everything in my life is rosy, despite my royal pedigree. Let's first look at the cons.


1. It tends to grow wild. I attribute this to my savage Polish ancestry. I can't grow those short cool beards like some of the men out there. Mine needs a little length before it starts to look good. The plus (or minus) of this is that I can get a Karl Marx-style beard growing if I want to. Another cool side effect of a long beard for me is that I can hide stuff in it. Last year I put pencils in it, hair clips, whatever. You couldn't even see the stuff.

But in the end, the length tends to be a disadvantage. It is difficult to maintain a decent length because, as hair is wont to do, it continues to grow. This growth manages to sneak up on me at times too. I will not think to trim my beard and then one day I wake up and I look homeless. It just goes in all different directions. Do you know how sometimes you will have an eyebrow or eyelash that gets in your field of vision? Imagine having that all over your face. There have been times when I have been in work meetings and have noticed two-inch-long beard hairs sticking straight off of my face. That's not cool. I've also gotten my beard caught in the zippers of high-collared jackets before.

The other issue that piggybacks off of this is moustache maintenance. I hate having to deal with that. It's always overgrowing and getting in the way. I try to keep it trim but there are always some that slip past. When I find these stray long hairs, I constantly play with them with my tongue, which probably makes me look weird in public and helps to unnecessarily chap my lips. I can't win.

2. Beard dandruff. That's correct. I get dandruff in my beard. I never figured this would be an issue, but I guess when you don't shave, the skin on your face gets dry and flakes off. When I scratch my beard, forget about it. It's like a snowstorm. If I do it on a flat surface, I can then collect it and it looks like grated parmesan cheese. Gross.

Now this obviously gets all over my dark clothes so I am constantly brushing myself off. I have tried all kinds of facial moisturizers too. In any bearded dudes know of something that works, holla at your boy. I want to be rid of this.

3. The beard catches food. Ned Flanders called his moustache a flavor saver and he wasn't kidding. You get all kinds of things caught in your beard. And since it is hair, you sometimes don't know about it until someone tells you. Once I got a glob of mayo trapped in my beard inexplicably under my chin and out of sight. I didn't find it until that night before bed, when it had dried around the beard hairs and started to smell rank. Great. That's absolutely awful.

That's not an isolated incident either. If I am eating something with sauce, its on my beard and I am powerless.

Enough complaining. On to the Pros.


1. I look super totally awesome. My beard is thick and rich. It is also quite soft and not at all bristly. A drunk dude at a bar once told me that I had the greatest beard in existence. This was unsolicited too. He was also drunk, but that's neither here nor there.

The beard also helps to affect a rugged, outdoorsy look which I am only too happy to keep going. I was kind of going for that when I was clean shaven, so this works even better.

2. It really does help to keep my face warm when the wind picks up. It also catches the snow, which makes me look like a mountaineer (see Pro #1).

3. It's slimming. Having a big, dark clump of hair makes my face look more slender than it really is. The beard also helps to disguise my jowlyness under my chin area. This is indispensable. If I shaved today, my face would look like a beluga whale's.

4. It helps me to save money on razors and shaving cream. This is self-explanatory. Most times I don't even use shaving cream when I do my trimming. I just wet parts of my face and do it.

There you have it. I would say the beard isn't going anywhere for a while, but that would be dishonest. I am a creature of whims and sometimes I shave just because I can. But before I go clean-shaven, I treat myself to beard fun, where I will give myself muttonchops or a fu manchu or a Civil War beard or something rad like that. It's one of those things you have to experience to truly appreciate.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mobbies 2010 Voting Starts Today!

Greetings massive! Today marks the start of voting for the Baltimore Sun's Most Outstanding Blog Award, or as we affectionately call them, the Mobbies.

As you may recall, I was involved in this last year and put up a good showing. At the time, I was a fledgling blog just getting my feet under me and still managed to come in a respectable second place in the humor category. This may have had something to do with the fact that I was one of the few blogs in the category that actually employed humor in my writing, but I digress. Now I have more than six new fans so I expect an even stronger showing!

For you newbies around here, you can vote everyday for your favorite blog in each of the different categories. Once again, I am in the humor section and I would certainly appreciate your vote. The catch is that you have to be a registered member of the Baltimore Sun's online community, but I really do think I am worth that little extra effort.

To vote, please go here or just click on the little badge to the right. If you vote everyday, I will be your best friend. With your help, I really think we can take this, the Baltimore dick joke blog of record to the top!

Please remember to vote for me everyday! And while you are at it, cast your vote in the foodie category for the sultry ladies of Black Coffee and a Donut. They've promised me that if they win this year the plan to host a naked dinner party for all of their fans. The Prince of Dundalk will see it done!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Halloween Thriller House

I wish I would have seen this before today. I like when people get in the spirit of Halloween. I also like it when little kids dress as scary things as opposed to princesses and Power Rangers.

Today I saw a picture of a toddler dressed as a Vampire Princess with blood all over her mouth and it was awesome. I think you can maybe trick your daughters into ghoulish costumes by telling them they are still princesses, just undead princesses.

Anywho, this is totally cool and way better than the Christmas houses with that Manheim Steamroller bullshit. Also, worst band name ever. It sounds like a gay German industrial group.

I hope everyone had a spooky Halloween filled with lots of visits from entities from beyond the veil.

PS Come back tomorrow for details on voting for this year's Mobbie Awards, which I hope to own this time around.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Bloodsuckers Against Twilight

In honor of Halloween, I thought I would show you this brief video of what can best be described as a shit show.

These creepy people decided to have a nice little book-burning to protest Stephenie Meyer's portrayal of vampires in her Twilight series of books/lonely housewife abstinence porn.

I really can't disagree with the Baron there. Meyer yanked the teeth out of vampires with her books. They used to be terrifying and now girls want to date them. That's just not right. I used to be afraid that vampires would break into the house and drain my blood. Then I learned about how they have to be invited into your house. With that fear dispelled, I was only afraid of getting attacked while walking outside at night. So much so that I would anticipate an ambush while walking from my car to the door and we be battle-ready for the quick trip.

That's right. I said my car. I was in my teens and 20s when I first started thinking about this. I didn't say it was a rational fear. My sister is afraid of killer whales. Leave me alone.

Werewolves should also not be big fluffy dogs. They should look mean. My first instinct should not be to rub its belly. I should instinctively choose flight over fight and beat feet. I don't think I can forgive Meyer for that. Don't mess with werewolves.

Hopefully she stops there and we can keep Frankensteins, Creatures from the Black Lagoon, zombies and mummies in the horror world where they belong. I'm sure there are teen mummy love stories out there. If you've thought of one but haven't quite put pen to paper then let me offer you some advice. Don't. They'll just end up in Baron Von Goolo's bin.

Also, is a book-burning the best way to promote a haunted house? You know who else promoted things through book-burnings? Hitler. And we all saw how that turned out.

In summation, Frighttown Haunted House = Hitler. Good night.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Parkour Dog!

While very cool, this video is also terrifying. Let me explain.

There was a time when you could run from a mean dog and find refuge in all kinds of places that weren't flat ground. If this dog is leading the charge into the future then we are boned. He's jumping over fences, running up trees, climbing in your window and snatchin' your people up. Pretty soon I bet he's outfitted with a jetpack. These are the End Times.

At the very least I hope this dog is put on loan to local law enforcement. It would be fun to watch him hunt down purse-snatchers and grandma-punchers. He could even visit schools and teach kids about crime prevention.

Maybe he could even get a contrived sitcom where he is the star of the police force and every week some crook thinks he's got the best of Parkour Dog, but the audience all knows better.

Crook: You'll never catch me, Parkour Dog! I'm way up high in this tree!

[Parkour Dog climbs tree.]

Crook: Gulp!

Then after Parkour Dog has bitten off the butt of the crook's pants to reveal heart-patterned boxer shorts, the mayor (who should have a giant fake handlebar mustache and a monocle) will pin a medal onto his collar and give him a giant dog bone.

I should really take this act to Hollywood. I've got a gift.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Must Have: Comfort Wipe

So this is a real product. Honsetly, I'm surprised that no one had done this sooner. 120 years is a long time for a technology to remain stagnant. I do suspect we've had some guys go the DIY route with this before. The tech is just too brilliant to believe that it is brand new. There had to have been a committee at some point. NASA must have worked on something like this for the space shuttle. They put a go-kart on Mars. I can't imagine the sent shuttle crews into orbit with a few rolls of Charmin.

Now on to the testimonials. I'm not a small man, but I am feeling really good about myself after watching this commercial. I've never not been able to reach my asshole. After today I'm putting that fact in the plus column. I'm happy this man has found just what he needs to clean out his butt. Next, what's going on with this glamorous older woman that she needs to ask for help when she shits? She does sound like she is from Jersey though so maybe her idea of dignity and personal hygiene is different from those outside of America's Armpit.

Back to this groundbreaking technology now. What did they do to toilet paper in the 1880s that was so revolutionary? They couldn't have perforated the sheets for easy separation and I doubt that they had the technology to double ply that stuff. What the hell did they do to it? Were people using their shirts before the 1880s. Someone find out and report back to me!

I can appreciate that the Comfort Wipe has the ergonomic design and offers an additional 18 inches of reach, but are their people out there that really threw their shoulders out wiping their ass? I imagine that would be an awkward situation if you were in a public bathroom. You either ask for help and risk your dignity or suffer through mud-butt. Could a portable Comfort Wipe be in the works? We can only pray that it is. Also do we need a Lady Comfort Wipe for women's front bits or do you guys think the ergonomics will work both ways? These are the burning questions that need to be asked.

I like that they are also sweetening the deal with the Get A Grip. I think the should come in pairs so you can set them up on either side of the toilet to aid in pushing. True story: my dad has one of those in his office. It's probably for my grandmother, but I like to think he's got other plans for it.

In conclusion, the Comfort Wipe seems really unnecessary but will probably be wildy successful. This is America after all. Any tool that helps us do less physically is just tops.I predict this will be the #1 gag gift this holiday season replacing the Snuggie or whatever other bullshit people gave as jokes last year.

I think of the Comfort Wipe the same way I do of nuclear weapons. It can probably get you out of a jam, but God save you if you have to use it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Rent is Too Damn High Party

So this really happened. Way to go New York. You really reach for the stars when it comes to politicians.

I think the best part about the election cycle is the nutjobs. Jimmy McMillan clearly falls into that category. First of all, it takes balls to pull off a beard like that. That's not open for debate. Second, he accessorized with black gloves. Also very ballsy.

As for his political platform, you really can't argue with him. The rent is too damn high. If you don't know that then you need to listen like he does. If you do you might hear that child's belly rumbling too. People can't afford to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner. I guess they just have to fill up for the day at brunch.

I'm also pretty excited at the prospect of "karate expert" becoming a legitimate qualification for public office. i don't understand why that wouldn't be a top trait we look for in a civic leader. I am also enamored with his political debate tool of muttering your talking points while it's someone else's turn to speak. It seemed to work. He got the crowd on his side for a bit.

Finally, McMillan looks like this guy from The Neverending Story.

I think New Yorkers should demand to inspect his head and see if there is a weird ridge up there. He could be the advance party of a full-scale invasion by the people of Fantasia. If they bring Gmork and the Nothing, we don't stand a chance.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves" "Happy [Insert Day of the Week]!"

This is the kind of pet peeve that is really just going to make me look like an asshole, but I really feel like I have to get this off my chest. Most of my closest associates know how much this bothers me, but do it anyway just to get under my skin. Well played, my friends. That's exactly what I would do.

I'm referring to people who say things like "Happy Monday!" or "Happy Tuesday!" when it is really just an average, ordinary day of the week. I don't really get this. Are they trying to make each day special or something? Is this some kind of "live each day to the fullest" attitude? I'd really like to get inside the heads of people that do this.

I get that these offenders are only trying to be nice and wish me a nice day in a cute way, but it is wasted on me. Just say "Have a good one!" or something like that. Each individual day of the week does not need to be a happy one. Sometimes a day is just a day and that's OK. They're not all going to be winners.

That doesn't mean I'm not having a happy day or anything. I just don't need to be told to have one every day. It's Wednesday. I just want to get through it and go home.

I also feel like it cheapens the word for the real holidays that you want to be especially happy. Does this mean that my Thanksgiving will be only just as happy as my Happy Thursday of the week before? It better not be. It's Thanksgiving. I want that day to have a little more meaning. Same with my Halloween, Columbus Day Arbor Day, etc. If someone tries to co-opt "Merry" I think I might lose it.

This might all stem from my complete and utter disdain for office small-talk, where I suspect this little phenomenon took flight. Everytime I get stuck in that, I feel like I am trapped in a Dilbert cartoon.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I the lone dickhead who doesn't like people to wish me well?

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Prince of Dundalk Spirit of Superbness Award Winner

For an appropriate soundtrack, click here.

So I have decided to stop the voting and just go ahead and crown this guy the winner of the 2010 Prince of Dundalk Spirit of Superbness Award. It kind of just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?

After an exhaustive search (like a whole day!) I found this gem. Guy in the car wins this award for embodying all of the core values of this site, namely wanton destruction of public property, a complete lack of accountability and responsibility, and the wherewithal to flee the scene of a crime as quickly as possible.

What makes this winner so special is the total lack of grace in execution. This is a clusterfuck of the highest order, but our guy is not deterred from his quest to get the hell out of there no matter what stands in his way. This is the attitude that these great United States were built upon.

Not only does this guy jack up someone else's car, but he pretty much fucks up his ride as well. I'm not 100% clear as to what is going down with his car, but I do know that the rear bumper came off and there was some black smoke shooting out of the exhaust pipe. I'm no Pep Boy, but I think that is a pretty bad sign. This guy doesn't quit. Even though he hits that pole like 15 times, he keeps at it and sort of makes a getaway.

I think the panic-level in the car is beyond anything any of us have ever experienced. I really wish there was audio that could pick up what's going on inside. I'm sure there is just an insane amount of cursing and screeching.

I also imagine the sense of relief after finally leaving that parking lot is palpable. Too bad it was all caught on tape. Nice try though.

Anyway, Guy in the car has truly distanced himself from the crowd thanks to this incredible performance of havoc-wreaking, and has earned a place of honor on this blog. And probably infamy as well. If Guy in the car happens to read this, drop me a line and we can figure out how I can deliver the prize package of a free t-shirt and back rub.

PS In case it wasn't obvious, there was no real voting so don't get all bent out of shape because you didn't get a say. This is my world and y'all are just paying rent.

PPS I don't know if the driver was a man or woman so I decided to call him a guy. It's not sexist to do that since the obvious joke would be to suggest that this was clearly a woman driver. I'm enlightened like that.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bubbles on the Beach

This is a video that I wanted to share with you guys for no other reason than it made me smile.

I think it was tons of fun to play with bubbles as a little kid. It's such a simple pleasure and yet it can bring hours of entertainment, provided you let an adult do the bubble blowing. Kids always want to blow the bubbles but they can't seem to do it right. Then they end up wasting all the bubble juice. Way to go. Now no one can have any fun.

This video is evidence of my assertion. The kids back off and let grandpa do his thing and everyone on the beach is better for it. This guy is creating art! Those bubbles look like giant space jellyfish. It's especially cool when they pop and the bubble disincorporates from one end to the other.

Why is it kids always feel the need to pop bubbles anyway? It's far more gratifying to let them run their course.

I think it would be pretty cool to be the kind, older gentleman hanging out on the beach and doing this for the kids. It's a public service of sorts. Plus it's got to brighten his day to see the kids excited about something he's doing. I can also think of worse things to do than hang out on Northern California beaches all day.

It's not a bad retirement plan. Maybe I could fly kites or something? Whatever is the least creepy, I guess.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Zombie Apocalypse Now!

I wasn't lying when I said this was a goldmine. My sister goes to sleep everynight, so there is potential for me to have something brilliant thrown my way every morning. It's like waking up every day and running downstairs to see that Santa Claus has left you a new bike or the Star Wars Ewok Village playset (that was a good Christmas!).

Not much to say about this one. We're all very proud of Kendra.

So-- another very oddball dream.

We all lived on an tiny island but it was out house from Crazyquilt [our old street]. We knew people were coming to try to overtake the island so you, Mom and me had these big ol' shotguns. We were in the house and Mom was like, "They're here!" so we all started cocking our guns. I was freaking out because I didn't need to re-load. Our plan was to keep taking out all of the invaders, they wouldn't be able to report back to their main land and we would be clear.

So we are all armed and ready to go and the door swings open. The first one is the Japanese chief dressed in weird tribal war gear. He had on the mask of an animal. Rather than shoot him instantly, we kinda pulled him out of the way and then the rest of his crew came in. They all had on makeup like zombies and we were rough housing them making them get in a line and they were like, 'We just want to know what necrophiliacs feel like when they have sex!!" That's about it.

I think I've managed to prove that that is never really "it."

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Pay It Forward... Only Weirder

My sister is at it again. As yet, we have received no free psychological advice for what I can only assume is her untreated, crippling mental ailment. I'm sure the docs that read this are just in the process of formulating a plan of attack for my sister's care. I hope so at least.

In this installment, Kendra starts off meeting with some close friends, but in the end turns it all into a social experiment that may have philosophers, anthropologists and greeting card companies talking for years. I smell a Haley Joel Osment vehicle!

Take it away, sis!

I'm supposed to meet [Chr]isty and [M]annah for dinner and one of my friends was having issues with in-laws or whatever, so my subconcious concoted this wack a doodle dream.

In my dream, [Chr]isty and [Br]ick were so frazzled about family issues or something like that and she handed me a greeting card. I remember there were all these phrases written in neon font. One was, "I went to dinner at McDonald's last night" and another was "I've spent 83 minutes total waxing my mustache in life." I don't know what the F that means, but I guess it was lil life experiences people were sharing. Point of the card was they were so frazzled, they decided to give money to someone to "pay it forward." They thought it would make them feel better about the stress in their life. So in my card was a wad of cash for $150.

Can we for realz make that happen? People get stressed and they give you money to make themselves feel better.

You heard the lady! Get on this people! She may just save all our souls.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

JWoww to Pose for Playboy

My magical, princess-goddess, Jenny "JWoww" Farley (shown here on the back of a motorcycle with a handgun), has struck a deal in principle to pose for Playboy.

I could go for the easy joke and say something about Snooki posing for the magazine, but I think you guys expect more from me, so I'll leave it alone. Besides, most of those jokes have been told already and they were a lot funnier than anything I would have come up with.

Details are still being worked out, but if the gods favor us this day, the Pride of the Jersey Shore will show off the Full Monty sometime this winter for the mere pittance of $400,000. That's a lot of post-bar drunk ham for the eating. Apparently if she had only agreed to go topless it would have been way less money.

So as you can see, this works out for everyone involved. JWoww gets a nice chunk of change and we all get to see some monkey. It's also nice to know that she's the type of girl to go full nude if the price is right. Even Kim Kardashian kept some of it covered. This was after she filmed a sex tape with Ray J, so take that with a grain of salt.

See how classy she is!

As you can imagine, this is big news for guys who like their ladies to bring a little extra elegance to the table. In my kingdom, there is nothing wrong with a chick that goes shopping in ripped jeans and a bikini top. In fact, I am thinking of making it the official dress for the ladies of my court.

My friend Smooth B scoffed at my initial attraction to JWoww but came around after a few episodes of Jersey Shore. All it took was her slinking around the club like a naughty panther and battling some beats like a champ for him to see the light. After she decked a chick for calling Snooki fat, we knew we were dealing with a very special, once-in-a-lifetime woman. Since then, he and I have conferred upon her the highest compliment that we can pay a woman. That's right. We have decided that she is "Ride or Die."

I imagine this will make her party-hosting rate go up, so I would advise you to book her now for my birthday. Maybe you can lock in that rate, while making a young prince's dreams come true.

I'll see you soon, my sweet! Or rather I will see your boobies and taco soon.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Guy Owns Drop Zone-Style Wind Tunnel

So this is all over the Internet now, but I had to post it because while I was watching it I went "Woooooooooow" like I was a six-year-old at the circus. Plus, it's a fun way to start your Friday.

It's really one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time and I wish I could do that with that level of skill. It's like watching a super-hero train or something.

The first two minutes is of the Zen Master teaching some newbie how to keep his form while skydiving. Then at around the 2:15 mark he decides to put on a clinic. I dare you to not grin and giggle like a kid.

Happy Friday (a pet peeve I will have to write about someday)!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


"I'm Phil Davison... and I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

I don't know if Phil got the nomination, but I do know that Stark County will never be the same. I really wish he would have started his speech with "Meeeeaaaaaan Geeeeeeeeene" or a nice Nature Boy "Wooooooooooooooo!" I would have loved if he took a Chris Farley prat fall out the window or off the stage too.

I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I think he should be elected. On the one hand, it's good for a man to have some enthusiasm about a job he might be undertaking. On the other, you don't want him to get so amped up during budget meetings that he starts head-butting other workers. There is a fine line and I think he's headed a little north of "Pumped" into "Batshit Crazy" territory. Plus it makes me wonder if things are really that bad in Stark County to warrant this kind of anger. I'm leaning towards him being fucking nuts.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: TLC's Sister Wives

I'm not the sort to judge another because of their religion. I firmly believe that each person should be free to practice whatever religion they want as long as they don't talk about it with me. I really don't need to hear about it.

Having said that, there are certain aspects of the Mormon faith that I could never wrap my head around. (For an interesting look at some of the more unsavory elements of the religion, read John Krakauer's Under the Banner of Heaven. It is very eye-opening.) Now it seems that TLC is going to shine the light on one of the nuttier tenets with its new series Sister Wives.

As you may have surmised, the new series follows a guy with three wives and 13 kids, who just can't seem to get enough lovin' from all that family and needs to bring in another wife. Now there are a lot of people out there who would argue that polygamy - at it's best -  is a pretty terrible practice that makes women second-class citizens in their own lives and looks to control them. And there are others who think polygamy is pretty awesome because their god tells them it's OK to bang a lot of chicks at the same time as long as you marry and dehumanize them first.

Can you guess which camp I fall in?

Anywho, I think this show examines life in a creepy five-way marriage from the perspective of the wives, which is probably a good thing since the husband seems like a super-douche. Nice goatee, guy. I think he maybe grew it so he could look cool for the show.

I will probably watch this show because I am really interested in seeing how these people live and I can trust TLC to show me some of the seedier stuff because they want some fucking ratings.

Here are some questions I hope are answered during the show.

1. What does this guy do for a living that he can support four wives and 13 kids?
2. Are these sister wives totally going to be bitchy towards one another? (I hope so!)
3. Are these kids fucked up big time because of this "sister from the same mister" and "brother from another mother" business?
4. When does this guy find the time to date with such a big family?

I probably won't get the answers I'm looking for, but I imagine I will get some top-of-the-line trash TV. I would expect nothing less from TLC. I'm sure they will find some way to work in multiple children, dwarves and cake at some point.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: F.A.R.T. The Movie

I spent a good part of my day yesterday discussing politics in what I deemed to be a thoughtful manner and today I am posting this. I really am a Renaissance Man.

I'm not sure who this man is or why he felt so strongly about farts to make a movie about it and I don't really care. I'm just glad he did.

As you can imagine, the acting is really top-notch. The sound effects are really cutting edge too. You really believe in each fart. They become a part of you. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about this when it came out in 1991.

I think I'm going to have to track down a copy of this at some point. If for no other reason than to find out what the F.A.R.T. acronym stands for.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Breaking & Entering and a Nice Korean Dinner

I'm smart enough to go with what works so here we go.
For this one, I sat on it a bit debating on whether or not to use it because of the names in it. Then I realized I can just change the damn names. This is my world. They're all just paying rent.

On with the show...

Maybe don't use this because there are people's names in it, but this ws pretty weird. Good news, no illigitimate kids-- just me breaking and entering and hanging out with a Korean family in their apartment.

So anyhoo-- I was in charge of this "prank." I apparently did it to [Dan Abbott] in high school and did it again. I would break into his house and leave a gift with a note saying, "Ha-- i'm sneaky, I broke into your house!"

I remember the house was a split level, in a ghetto area. He was hanging out with a bunch of black dudes on the back porch when I broke in. I don't really remember how I got in, but I left him a gift bag. Then later, I went in to be like, "Neckbone-- I broke in!" and he was crying and really upset that I broke into his house. Then I felt like a jerk and thought that I actually looked kinda crazy. I thought it was a prank, but here I am breaking into a guy's home I haven't seen in a good ten years or so. I remember talking to you about the severity of it all, because I was running through the alley ways of the ghetto dodging people. I was like, "I am so good- I broke in with them on the back porch and they had no clue."

Later I was jogging on a track. I was doing two miles and I think Uncle [D]utch was there. They wrapped up and I was all set to finish what I had started. I think I ran for like a half mile, and I noticed that it was getting tougher to finish my loop because I was tethered to a tree. It would tighten up around a certain point and I had to really book it to get around. Kinda like Hannibal. [Huh?] Somehow I befriended this Korean family and they were like, "Let's go! Time for dinner!" I remember thinking I wanted to finish running, but I love food, so I would rather eat. Next thing, I'm in the Korean family's apartment helping them prepare dinner. This woman had one of those pre-packaged Asian meals. It was going to whip into this lovely noodle dish, but I remember her going, "Oh no... I don't have egg noodles. They aren't in the package."

That's about it.

One thing we have learned is that it's never "it."

Friday, August 27, 2010

We've Got Fire Tornadoes Now?

So I posted this video for two reasons.

#1. These things actually exist. It's not just something a six-year-old dreamt up after watching cartoons.
#2. It's one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen.

The wind literally whips the flames up into a whirlwind of destruction. Granted, the video doesn't show any real destruction and this thing sort of just dicks around on the screen for a bit, but I have an active imagination. Some have even said it's just too brilliant. I see a tiny fire tornado and immediately make the mental leap to a burning, mile-wide Twister-style F5 "Finger of God." I don't think Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt could outlast one of those using some pipes and a thick leather belt.

I don't even think you could hide in your storm cellar if one of my imaginary super-fire tornadoes comes a callin'. Instead of just knocking your home down, this thing obliterates it with hot wind & fire and then burns all the other shit up too. It will probably bake you in the cellar too. There is no escaping this new threat. the good news is that it has to be really dry for this to go down, which gives me a newfound respect for humidity, my arch-nemesis. I guess oppressive, stuffy heat is better than dry, burning winds.

I'm guessing the news anchor is so calm about this because he is across the Atlantic in Great Britain, while the firestorms are in Brazil. I think a live spot near one of these would go a little differently.

If you were wondering what the Apocalypse will look like, just think of these little twisters and use your imagination. I know this thing will haunt my night terrors from now on.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: More Illegitimate Kids

Baby sis sent me a doozy today. Like I said before my little sister's dreamscape is a fascinating place. I kind of picture it as a Lewis Carroll book as reinterpreted by Hunter S. Thompson, only a little more filthy and way scarier. No wonder she had night terrors.

So, I had a dream that I had twins last night. Unamed father, hope that's not a foreshadowing of my life to come. Anyhow, they pop out and I name them Harrah, and Etham. Not EthaN, EthaM. Is that even a name? It is, I looked it up-- it's biblical. Later I regretted those names, but figured I'd call them whatever the hell I want to as they age.

So they pop out in the hospital, then I am home with them. For some reason, I ran an errand but I ended up out at dinner. I popped in and saw Misty and there were other Hampden people. It was weird, it was like no one knew I had a babies so I felt the need to go out and announce that rather than spend time with the babies. So I sit down at a table for a minute, and then it turns into one of those swinging pirate ship rides. I was trying to scream for them to stop, but this guy from high school was sitting in front of me so I just grabbed tight under his arms. I knew who it was but couldn' t see his face. As I was swinging, I was trying to figure out if he was the father or not. I was freaking out because I was thinking that I just had babies yesterday, I probably shouldn't be on a ride that is shaking up all my insides.

I eventually end up back home and the babies had aged like 4 months. They were f-ing adorable, both of them and they were sleeping with Dad on the couch. Harrah (the girl) gave Dad this huge hug on her own and we were all like, "Oh man, he's done." They were both awesome, but the lil' girl was def more charming and had more of a dynamic personality.

Ahhh... the life of a single mother. WTF is up with me and dreams of illegitimate children lately?

I certainly don't know what is up with all of you illegitimate child dreams and I won't even dare to conjecture. Let's check the Innernette. She's always got something fun and informative up her sleeve.

So this dream site had this to say about birth.

To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings or a major event. Alternatively, the dream may be calling attention to your inner child and the potential for you to grow. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.

That's not so bad. But what about that faceless guy?

To see a faceless figure or person in your dream, indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are. Perhaps you are unsure of how to read people and their emotions. Therefore, you are expressing a desire to know and understand these people on a deeper level.

That's sounds pretty normal too. My little sister has the same vulnerabilities as anyone else. I guess the only other thing to look into is the flying pirate ship ride. What say you, Internet?

You're fucking nuts.

Oooooooh. Burn! The Internet doesn't lie. I guess we have to put her down.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Scientists Create Killer Robot Snakes

Once again you have outdone yourself, Japan.

Son of a bitch, man! Was anyone asking for creepy shit like this to be developed? Wasn't this exact design used in Terminator Salvation, only weaponized and more dangerous? Those things were wrecking shit in that movie. It took a badass cyborg to defeat them and save John Connor, so what does the Tokyo Institute of Technology do? They take a mammoth first step. Where is Sarah Connor when you need her?

This may seem like a non sequitur, but bear with me. When I was very young, my grandparents took me to the zoo in Baltimore. While in the Reptile House, I saw my first Gila monster and have spent pretty much everyday since worrying that one of those things was going to crawl out of the toiler and bite me on the ass or balls. Or both. Now we can replace Gila monsters with snake robots. I shudder to think about what a robot assassin could do if it decided to climb up my toilet pipes to get at me. And believe me when I tell you my enemies have the money, power and determination to make something like this happen. I will need to be ever-vigilant while on the toilet from hear on out.

To add a capper to this irrational fear of mine, I recently learned that the pipes that go to your toilet are not filled with water. While this means that snake robots probably can't make their way into my toilet to deliver a nuclear payload up my asshole (at least not the Gen 1 robot snakes), other critters could conceivably crawl through and wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful bathroom break. Great. Game on, Gila monsters.

But I digress. I'm also not enthralled with the way those things move in the water. It's very natural and snake-like, which means these scientists did a great job with the design, but will inevitably screw people up for life. I think the only thing that would freak me out more is a real, poisonous snake in the water. That's no fun. I would hate to see something like that swimming towards me. Mechanical or fleshy. It makes my skin crawl.

Why can't roboticists just make a working android butler? I think that's something we can all get behind. I just don't see the logic in creating a bunch of things that SkyNet will turn against us when it becomes sentient.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Genius Baby = Future English Major

This is a video of a kid reciting Tennyson is his Superman pajamas, which really is as incredible as it sounds.

I can imagine this guy was coached, but its still pretty impressive. I don't think I could memorize that poem, if I spent all week on it. I can tell you the heights and weights of most super-heroes, as well as quite a few professional football players (which I think is pretty impressive).

It's kind of nice to see the little guy take an interest in something that will ultimately better him. I can only hope that the little nerds that issue forth from my loins can be half as brainy as this kid. I'd love them just the same if they weren't though (I guess). I would prefer if they were to wear something other than Superman pajamas when they whip out the big brains to impress guests. If the kids won't wear tweed blazers, then at the very least Batman or Spider-Man pajamas. Those two are cooler than Superman. I think little nerd glasses would complete the look.

This is all wishful thinking though. I'm destined to raise little weird kids, just like my parents before me. There is no way around it. If I'm lucky, my kids will be able to recite dialogue from Crisis on Infinite Earths or Secret Invasion, and really that's all a dad could ask for.

But back to the little brainiac! I think this next video is even more adorable and impressive.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: A Triple Dip

So many of you know my younger sister Kendra, but what you might not know is that she has the most bizarre dreams of anyone I have ever met. I suspect that she eats a handful of mushrooms before going to bed each night. If you don't believe me, ask her about the dream where she took a friendly shower with a headless Matt Lauer. I didn't mean for that to rhyme.

In any event, she normally e-mails me when she has a weird dream and they are too good to not share with the world. Also, I'm hoping a mental health professional might read this and add some insight into exactly what is wrong with her. It would really ease the minds of the whole family.

Without further ado, I give you the first in what promises to be a prolific and neverending new feature here on my blog, Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre!

I had another weird dream last night. I guess it stemmed from my toenail inspection party that I forced you into. I had to go to a doctor's office to get my toenails clipped, but it looked like some weird scientific lab. I was waiting and then this woman came up the stairs with a chimp. She was like, "This is my baby- he's here to get his toenails clipped." So then they lay him on a bed across the room and he turns into a retarded guy. They had a diaper on him while they strapped him in, but it was like a thong-type diaper. I felt guilty because I could see his balls the whole time. And I was thinking, "I want to tell people I saw a retarded guys balls, but they are going to think I am a jerk." It wasn't like I was looking on purpose, they were just out in public.

So then, I'm not sure where the story took this turn or if it was even the same dream. We had some weird house with a pool, but all of our weird neighbors came over. This one girl with a lisp got all flip with me when I asked her where she was going. She was like, "ughhhh.... i'm going in the pool!!!!" She was wearing a two piece and I was thinking, "Whatever, you're a jerk and everyone is going to think you are 5 months preggo," because her gut was all weird.

Then another one, and I've had these before. I forget that I am pregnant. I was in a weird office/bedroom, and when I turned on my computer this notification came on saying, "Hello Kendra, your baby is blah blah blah," and the site was giving me details about how its development is advancing. I thought the father was this kid I went to college with- we weren't friends and I guess just had a one nighter??-- and I was like, "whatever--- I'm just going to tell him. I don't want anything from him, but I guess he should know." Then I was freaking out because I realized I had to tell Mom and Dad. In these dreams, it's like I "forget" that I am preggo, as though it will go away. I learned, then I didn't believe it, kept drinking and having fun, thinking it would go away.

Weird, weird weird.
That was weird? No shit.
I hope you enjoyed our first foray into the subconscious of my sister. If any of you can figure that shit out, let me know, because I don't know what is going on in that head of hers.
The good news is that Kendra goes to sleep every night, so we should have a ton of these to enjoy in the future.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Anchorman is AFI's #1 Greatest Movie

This video is long, but it's a total giggle party.

I liked when Burt Reynolds and Dustin Hoffman cried while remembering the film. I admit that I was moved to tears by Will Ferrell's performance at certain points of the film. Burgundy's love of scotch resonated with me, and when Jack Black punted Baxter off the bridge after getting hit in the face with a burrito and wrecking his bike, I cried so much at Ferrell's anguished character that the film became a part of me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Turtle Sex

Every now and again I get to thinking that I rely far to heavily on videos for my content. I promise myself that I will only post stuff I come up with on my own and say to hell with the blatant theft of videos from other sites. I'm better than that.

Then I find stuff like this. What kind of man would I be if I didn't share this with my friends? The answer to that question is "The wrong kind of man" or "No man at all."

It's short and sweet and doesn't need much commentary. I will say this: I like the turtle's enthusiasm. It must feel pretty great if he yells "wow" with each thrust. Also, to the girl in the video, it's not nasty. The turtles are making love. It's a beautiful act of doggie style animal sex. Besides, she's the one filming it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: "Go find yourself a spin cycle!"

This video totally made my day yesterday. When it gets going it just keeps on going. You can see the drying spin-cycling itself to machine death!

This led me to some odd questions. If the dryer had a consciousness, would it know that it was killing itself? Can it tell that something is wrong or does it just keep going, thinking that it is doing its job? If its doing the primary function it was built to do, is that not a fitting end for the machine?

Whoa. Go take a few tabs of the brown acid or some bong rips and then go back and read that again. I just blew your mind!

After I thought through all of that, I started to think about how cool it would be if you could talk to machines. You would never need to use the remote again. You could just ask the TV or cable box to tune into whatever channel you wanted and watch away. But if you did that, what would the remote have to say to you when you stop using it?

Did you just get chills? Your minds are totally blown and you're welcome.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Guys Who Constantly Flush the Urinal

I have a feeling that about 90% of my audience will have no idea what this is about, but hopefully, the other 10% will.

This particular pet peeve is a men's room staple that I have never understood. If you are one of the offenders, please tell me why you do this. I promise not to judge you. At least not openly.

Invariably, any time I am enjoying a #2 and some cell phone Tetris while at work, someone will come in and disturb my peaceful setting. They march in, sidle up to one of the urinals and get ready to drain the main vein. Here comes the weird part. Before breaking the seal, they flush the toilet and then continue to flush it throughout the entire pee. If the water stops flowing, they hit the lever.

This bothers me for many reasons. One, it is supremely annoying when you are trying to capture a quiet moment away from your desk. Two, it's a total waste of water and that kind of pisses me off. Three, it makes me wonder what in the hell is going on is this dude's kidneys that he can't stand to have his piss in front of him. Is he drinking a lot of coffee? Beer? Paint thinner?

Does it really smell that bad or is it just some weird phobia? (UPDATE: I looked it up after typing that and its called urophobia.Weirdos.) You know what's even weirder? I would totally smell this really stinky pee just to say I did it. Like you wouldn't?

Other men's room pet peeves that I will list in no particular order:
  • Guys who undo their whole pant system to use a urinal
  • Guys who make a total mess when washing their hands and get the whole place soaked (How does that even happen?).
  • Guys who keep sticking their wang through the glory hole even though I did not return the foot tap
  • Guys who fart at the urinals

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Cutest Lil' Hockey Fight Ever

I don't think a whole lot needs to be said about this one. As I like to say its "totes adorbs."

I think the kids want to fight because they see it on TV but don't really get the point behind fighting. That in itself is really sweet. They're just little guys right now. Give them a few years and they'll be decking the shit out of each other.

The best part is when the "fight" goes a little too far and Mazza's mom steps in. All she has to do is say his name in that mom voice and he totally backs off. Busted!

I think if the dads had been there they would have let it go on a little bit. Most dads probably wouldn't even think to stop the fight. Men aren't wired like that.

I confess that I probably would have felt a little thrill if I saw my kid try and take down another kid on the ice during rec league hockey. I would definitely stop it before any teeth were lost. I want my kid to be good-looking. He doesn't need to look like a hockey enforcer for his school photos. Besides dentures are expensive.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


So this beautiful ditty by Leoncie was just pointed out to me today and I have to say that any song with the chorus "Cheap Sex!" is OK in my book.

This music video also features the line “You’re just a lousy cop and not some great detective/ you pick up all those sluts from the street and screw them in secret.” Man. That science is too tight.

Apparently Leoncie gets a lot of grief from people for her music so she added a manifesto to her YouTube page. She writes: "Her success is solely due to the fact that she has worked extremely hard, and professionally at everything she does,despite inteference from Warblers,Pagans,Pirates,Racists, Hypocrites,haters,always drowning in a Hate Filled Existence with their False, Malicious, Unfounded Lies,Fantasies,Hallucinations on the Web."

Preach, sister! That's exactly why my album An Evening of Princely Virtues failed to chart! It was the damn pagans and warblers. Anyway, I'm sending this one out to you Leoncie. I think you know what I'm talking about.

Also, is Leoncie a tranny? I can't tell.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Postcards from the Land of the Rising Sun: Chimp Baseball

So where to begin? First off, it was very nice of that farmer to teach the chimpanzee how to play baseball, even if he isn't very good. The important thing is that he tries really hard. Extra points given for using the Charlie Sheen version of "Wild Thing" from the Major League movies.

But if I'm being honest, the chimp throws like a girl and sucks at fielding ground balls. Was anyone else nervous when they gave the bat to the little guy? I had visions of 2001 in my head and I started to worry about the kind farmer/coach. I guess it was unfounded since the chimp is clearly quite attached to him and figured out the mechanics of batting pretty quickly. He's like a regular Pedro Cerrano.

What I don't understand is the format of the TV show. Are these people contestants or something? Are just supposed to enjoy their reactions to the chimp playing ball? I feel that if you plan on taping people's reactions then you should maybe have something fun or shocking. This really didn't fit the bill. Do these people know they are being filmed?

Anyway, back to the minors with you, little fella!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Cats in Wigs!

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Normally when I post videos that originate in the great state of Texas, they are the type that are more likely to evoke a "YEE-HAW" response than a "WTF?" Not today. I give you cats in wigs.

I was surprised to even discover that there was a cat wig industry let alone enough of a following to support a photography book filled with cats in wigs. This is apparently so big that a photojournalist quit her job to just take shots of cats in wigs and make this book.

I guess people just like sexy cats. Who wants to look at some boring old regular cat with no sexy hair-do? Not the good folks of northern Texas.

It's important to note that the cats in the video do not look like they are having a good time. Shaft, the rescued cat from Ft. Worth, clearly does not like wearing sunglasses and I'm thinking that he wasn't enjoying the wig either. I really did like him with the long blonde wig and the little red cowboy hat. He looks like a Lonestar State stripper in that outfit.

It's also important to note that they people in the video refer to the cat owners as "moms." If I am ever referred to as a "cat dad" you have my permission to just put me out of my misery. At that point it probably couldn't get much worse for me.

I also feel as though I should point out that this new practice is heading down a very messy road. Those cats in the wigs look a little too Japanese hentai for me. It starts here but soon we have cat wig pin-up shoots and even sexier cat photos. Then we move on to weird cat people porn and who knows where else. That's not a world I want to raise children in.

I say all of this knowing all to well that I am a hypocrite. Why? Because I have no problem with this whatsoever.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

They Grow Up So Fast

This little guy had me rolling. He was so excited to see Vanessa Hudgens boobs that he made a video and posted it on the Internet. For those of you that live in a cave (but still have Internet access) or those that haven't landed on the Disney Channel during an airing of one of the High School Musicals, this is Vanessa Hudgens.

Isn't she sweet? Totes. But she also got nasty for Zac Effron and snapped some shots of her cooter and boobs for him and apparently the entire world as well. I guess I can't blame her though. Zac is pretty dreamy. I might be inclined to pose suggestively if it would make him smile.

But I digress. We'll save the Zac Effron man-crush until he does something really bad ass to earn it. 17 Again was good but I'd like to see a little more from him before he gets his own man-crush post.

So anyway, this kid is pretty jacked and I suspect that he might be well on his way to his first boner, unless the first round of Hudgens shots got the job done. And that is what I don't get.

Since this kid is posting videos to the web, I have to assume that he knows his way around a computer. If he knows his way around a computer then I have to assume that he has discovered online porn. He must have. It takes up like half of the Internet already. If all of the above is true, then why in the hell isn't this kid more jaded?

Kids today have it made. When I was young, you were lucky if you somehow scored a porn mag. You were a god at school if you could turn your TV to the Playboy Channel and kind of make out what was going on through the static and scrambles images. This guy has a credit card and high-speed wireless.

He probably knew what bukkake was when he was 4 and has moved on to German scat movies by now. He'll have a latex fetish in high school. Why does he care so much about a teen star's nudes? Is it the idea of forbidden fruit?

I guess I had crushes on older girls when I was his age. I probably don't know what I would have done if I'd seen Belinda Carlisle or Cindy Crawford naked. I do know that my man Greg Nice would have stabbed me in the neck for a chance to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in all her teen glory and even went so far as to sketch a life-size portrait and send it along to her. I guess its not that much of a reach to think tht he would have made videos about her and posted them to YouTube.

I guess this kid isn't all that different than me and my friends, after all. We're all creepy little perverts.