Thursday, August 19, 2010

Scientists Create Killer Robot Snakes

Once again you have outdone yourself, Japan.

Son of a bitch, man! Was anyone asking for creepy shit like this to be developed? Wasn't this exact design used in Terminator Salvation, only weaponized and more dangerous? Those things were wrecking shit in that movie. It took a badass cyborg to defeat them and save John Connor, so what does the Tokyo Institute of Technology do? They take a mammoth first step. Where is Sarah Connor when you need her?

This may seem like a non sequitur, but bear with me. When I was very young, my grandparents took me to the zoo in Baltimore. While in the Reptile House, I saw my first Gila monster and have spent pretty much everyday since worrying that one of those things was going to crawl out of the toiler and bite me on the ass or balls. Or both. Now we can replace Gila monsters with snake robots. I shudder to think about what a robot assassin could do if it decided to climb up my toilet pipes to get at me. And believe me when I tell you my enemies have the money, power and determination to make something like this happen. I will need to be ever-vigilant while on the toilet from hear on out.

To add a capper to this irrational fear of mine, I recently learned that the pipes that go to your toilet are not filled with water. While this means that snake robots probably can't make their way into my toilet to deliver a nuclear payload up my asshole (at least not the Gen 1 robot snakes), other critters could conceivably crawl through and wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful bathroom break. Great. Game on, Gila monsters.

But I digress. I'm also not enthralled with the way those things move in the water. It's very natural and snake-like, which means these scientists did a great job with the design, but will inevitably screw people up for life. I think the only thing that would freak me out more is a real, poisonous snake in the water. That's no fun. I would hate to see something like that swimming towards me. Mechanical or fleshy. It makes my skin crawl.

Why can't roboticists just make a working android butler? I think that's something we can all get behind. I just don't see the logic in creating a bunch of things that SkyNet will turn against us when it becomes sentient.


  1. We should have tried harder in Mr. Mendez's and Mr. Foggelman's (sp?) classes so we could be making shit like this in our spare time...

  2. No water in the pipes? Does this mean Eek a Mouse could crawl up and surprise me during a potty break?!!?

  3. those japs are wicked counter attack those dry pipes I do a power dump every monday