Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bubbles on the Beach

This is a video that I wanted to share with you guys for no other reason than it made me smile.

I think it was tons of fun to play with bubbles as a little kid. It's such a simple pleasure and yet it can bring hours of entertainment, provided you let an adult do the bubble blowing. Kids always want to blow the bubbles but they can't seem to do it right. Then they end up wasting all the bubble juice. Way to go. Now no one can have any fun.

This video is evidence of my assertion. The kids back off and let grandpa do his thing and everyone on the beach is better for it. This guy is creating art! Those bubbles look like giant space jellyfish. It's especially cool when they pop and the bubble disincorporates from one end to the other.

Why is it kids always feel the need to pop bubbles anyway? It's far more gratifying to let them run their course.

I think it would be pretty cool to be the kind, older gentleman hanging out on the beach and doing this for the kids. It's a public service of sorts. Plus it's got to brighten his day to see the kids excited about something he's doing. I can also think of worse things to do than hang out on Northern California beaches all day.

It's not a bad retirement plan. Maybe I could fly kites or something? Whatever is the least creepy, I guess.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Zombie Apocalypse Now!

I wasn't lying when I said this was a goldmine. My sister goes to sleep everynight, so there is potential for me to have something brilliant thrown my way every morning. It's like waking up every day and running downstairs to see that Santa Claus has left you a new bike or the Star Wars Ewok Village playset (that was a good Christmas!).

Not much to say about this one. We're all very proud of Kendra.

So-- another very oddball dream.

We all lived on an tiny island but it was out house from Crazyquilt [our old street]. We knew people were coming to try to overtake the island so you, Mom and me had these big ol' shotguns. We were in the house and Mom was like, "They're here!" so we all started cocking our guns. I was freaking out because I didn't need to re-load. Our plan was to keep taking out all of the invaders, they wouldn't be able to report back to their main land and we would be clear.

So we are all armed and ready to go and the door swings open. The first one is the Japanese chief dressed in weird tribal war gear. He had on the mask of an animal. Rather than shoot him instantly, we kinda pulled him out of the way and then the rest of his crew came in. They all had on makeup like zombies and we were rough housing them making them get in a line and they were like, 'We just want to know what necrophiliacs feel like when they have sex!!" That's about it.

I think I've managed to prove that that is never really "it."

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Pay It Forward... Only Weirder

My sister is at it again. As yet, we have received no free psychological advice for what I can only assume is her untreated, crippling mental ailment. I'm sure the docs that read this are just in the process of formulating a plan of attack for my sister's care. I hope so at least.

In this installment, Kendra starts off meeting with some close friends, but in the end turns it all into a social experiment that may have philosophers, anthropologists and greeting card companies talking for years. I smell a Haley Joel Osment vehicle!

Take it away, sis!

I'm supposed to meet [Chr]isty and [M]annah for dinner and one of my friends was having issues with in-laws or whatever, so my subconcious concoted this wack a doodle dream.

In my dream, [Chr]isty and [Br]ick were so frazzled about family issues or something like that and she handed me a greeting card. I remember there were all these phrases written in neon font. One was, "I went to dinner at McDonald's last night" and another was "I've spent 83 minutes total waxing my mustache in life." I don't know what the F that means, but I guess it was lil life experiences people were sharing. Point of the card was they were so frazzled, they decided to give money to someone to "pay it forward." They thought it would make them feel better about the stress in their life. So in my card was a wad of cash for $150.

Can we for realz make that happen? People get stressed and they give you money to make themselves feel better.

You heard the lady! Get on this people! She may just save all our souls.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

JWoww to Pose for Playboy

My magical, princess-goddess, Jenny "JWoww" Farley (shown here on the back of a motorcycle with a handgun), has struck a deal in principle to pose for Playboy.

I could go for the easy joke and say something about Snooki posing for the magazine, but I think you guys expect more from me, so I'll leave it alone. Besides, most of those jokes have been told already and they were a lot funnier than anything I would have come up with.

Details are still being worked out, but if the gods favor us this day, the Pride of the Jersey Shore will show off the Full Monty sometime this winter for the mere pittance of $400,000. That's a lot of post-bar drunk ham for the eating. Apparently if she had only agreed to go topless it would have been way less money.

So as you can see, this works out for everyone involved. JWoww gets a nice chunk of change and we all get to see some monkey. It's also nice to know that she's the type of girl to go full nude if the price is right. Even Kim Kardashian kept some of it covered. This was after she filmed a sex tape with Ray J, so take that with a grain of salt.

See how classy she is!

As you can imagine, this is big news for guys who like their ladies to bring a little extra elegance to the table. In my kingdom, there is nothing wrong with a chick that goes shopping in ripped jeans and a bikini top. In fact, I am thinking of making it the official dress for the ladies of my court.

My friend Smooth B scoffed at my initial attraction to JWoww but came around after a few episodes of Jersey Shore. All it took was her slinking around the club like a naughty panther and battling some beats like a champ for him to see the light. After she decked a chick for calling Snooki fat, we knew we were dealing with a very special, once-in-a-lifetime woman. Since then, he and I have conferred upon her the highest compliment that we can pay a woman. That's right. We have decided that she is "Ride or Die."

I imagine this will make her party-hosting rate go up, so I would advise you to book her now for my birthday. Maybe you can lock in that rate, while making a young prince's dreams come true.

I'll see you soon, my sweet! Or rather I will see your boobies and taco soon.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Guy Owns Drop Zone-Style Wind Tunnel

So this is all over the Internet now, but I had to post it because while I was watching it I went "Woooooooooow" like I was a six-year-old at the circus. Plus, it's a fun way to start your Friday.

It's really one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time and I wish I could do that with that level of skill. It's like watching a super-hero train or something.

The first two minutes is of the Zen Master teaching some newbie how to keep his form while skydiving. Then at around the 2:15 mark he decides to put on a clinic. I dare you to not grin and giggle like a kid.

Happy Friday (a pet peeve I will have to write about someday)!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


"I'm Phil Davison... and I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

I don't know if Phil got the nomination, but I do know that Stark County will never be the same. I really wish he would have started his speech with "Meeeeaaaaaan Geeeeeeeeene" or a nice Nature Boy "Wooooooooooooooo!" I would have loved if he took a Chris Farley prat fall out the window or off the stage too.

I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I think he should be elected. On the one hand, it's good for a man to have some enthusiasm about a job he might be undertaking. On the other, you don't want him to get so amped up during budget meetings that he starts head-butting other workers. There is a fine line and I think he's headed a little north of "Pumped" into "Batshit Crazy" territory. Plus it makes me wonder if things are really that bad in Stark County to warrant this kind of anger. I'm leaning towards him being fucking nuts.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: TLC's Sister Wives

I'm not the sort to judge another because of their religion. I firmly believe that each person should be free to practice whatever religion they want as long as they don't talk about it with me. I really don't need to hear about it.

Having said that, there are certain aspects of the Mormon faith that I could never wrap my head around. (For an interesting look at some of the more unsavory elements of the religion, read John Krakauer's Under the Banner of Heaven. It is very eye-opening.) Now it seems that TLC is going to shine the light on one of the nuttier tenets with its new series Sister Wives.

As you may have surmised, the new series follows a guy with three wives and 13 kids, who just can't seem to get enough lovin' from all that family and needs to bring in another wife. Now there are a lot of people out there who would argue that polygamy - at it's best -  is a pretty terrible practice that makes women second-class citizens in their own lives and looks to control them. And there are others who think polygamy is pretty awesome because their god tells them it's OK to bang a lot of chicks at the same time as long as you marry and dehumanize them first.

Can you guess which camp I fall in?

Anywho, I think this show examines life in a creepy five-way marriage from the perspective of the wives, which is probably a good thing since the husband seems like a super-douche. Nice goatee, guy. I think he maybe grew it so he could look cool for the show.

I will probably watch this show because I am really interested in seeing how these people live and I can trust TLC to show me some of the seedier stuff because they want some fucking ratings.

Here are some questions I hope are answered during the show.

1. What does this guy do for a living that he can support four wives and 13 kids?
2. Are these sister wives totally going to be bitchy towards one another? (I hope so!)
3. Are these kids fucked up big time because of this "sister from the same mister" and "brother from another mother" business?
4. When does this guy find the time to date with such a big family?

I probably won't get the answers I'm looking for, but I imagine I will get some top-of-the-line trash TV. I would expect nothing less from TLC. I'm sure they will find some way to work in multiple children, dwarves and cake at some point.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: F.A.R.T. The Movie

I spent a good part of my day yesterday discussing politics in what I deemed to be a thoughtful manner and today I am posting this. I really am a Renaissance Man.

I'm not sure who this man is or why he felt so strongly about farts to make a movie about it and I don't really care. I'm just glad he did.

As you can imagine, the acting is really top-notch. The sound effects are really cutting edge too. You really believe in each fart. They become a part of you. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about this when it came out in 1991.

I think I'm going to have to track down a copy of this at some point. If for no other reason than to find out what the F.A.R.T. acronym stands for.