Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Another Example of Why Japan Makes the Finest TV Programs in the World

So I don't know what's going on here but I sure as hell like it. I'm not sure if this is some kind of game show or what but it has a chimp in overalls walking a pack of bulldogs to a bakery to (presumably) pick up their master's cake. Also the chimp fondles the penis on a naked statue. I won't spoil anything but a hawk tried to ruin everyone's cake party. You'll have to watch to the end to see what happens.

I really like the concerned looks of the people in the picture-in-picture box. They are right there with the monkey on his odyssey and they wouldn't have it any other way.

I have some questions that I would like to pose to you readers. Do you think the bulldogs know that the chimp is not human? Can they tell the difference between a man and an ape? Does it make any difference to them anyway? I wonder how far down the evolutionary ladder you have to go before the bulldogs are like "Screw you, man! I'm not letting you walk me."

Just some food for thought.

I think this is probably the most compelling reason I have ever found to learn another language.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I Managed to Make it Through Christmas Without Hearing "The Christmas Shoes!"

Now maybe I am just shooting my mouth off and damning myself to an endless cycle of this song for the rest of the holiday season, but I am pretty jacked that I managed to avoid it so far. This includes several hours of holiday radio with nary a mention of that horrid, horrid tune. Its so treacly and annoying and it really just pisses me off. The Christian group Newsong has managed to do something I didn't think was possible: hate during the holidays.

Now before you think I am devoid of sentiment, I'd like to point out that emotion has nothing to do with it. This song is a crock of bullshit. I think it was written to exploit emotion during the holiday season.

For those who don't know what this song is about, it details the last minute shopping of a man caught up in the rush and not really feeling the holiday spirit. In front of him in the check out line, a young boy tries to buy a pair of women's shoes but doesn't have enough money. The boy then tells anyone who will listen that he is buying these shoes for his mother so that she can look pretty for when she meets Jesus (i.e., dies). The man is so moved by this young boy and the true meaning of Christmas that he buys the shoes and then writes a damn song about it so everyone can know how selfless he is. Dick.

Now maybe this really happened to one of the guys in the band. If so, and he can produce receipts and a death certificate, then I will take all of this back. But I really don't see any of that happening, so lets move on.

I'm as sentimental as the next guy. Probably way more so, actually. I caught myself getting a little misty during Fred Claus the other night. But this song will have nothing but my undying hate until I shuffle off this mortal coil. Its like the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition of Christmas music. Do you remember when that show first came on and they actually showed how they built the houses and helped people? Then it turned into and hour-long commercial for Sears where Ty Pennington gets to speak softly into and build beach houses for families of lepers.

At first that show was great. They were helping people but not shoving it down your throat. You could watch the show and feel good because that was the natural reaction to the situation. Now they just force a tube down your throat and pour in their saccharine, feel-good propaganda (sorry to get all Gen-X blogger on you there).

The same thing applies to "The Christmas Shoes." They actually wrote a novel around this song and made a movie about it starring Rob Lowe. What the hell?

I say, let the people take away what they will from a song without forcing an agenda. I'm sure there are people that tear up during "The Christmas Song" or Elvis' wonderful "Blue Christmas." Either way, those classics stand on their own merits and they don't rely on some contrived situation to try and build a following. Those songs are universal.

I'm hopeful that the absence of "The Christmas Shoes" marks a trend away from bullshit sentimentality. If not I have the remedy. Next holiday season, I plan to really push this song to the forefront of the holiday music scene.

PS If "The Christmas Shoes" is totally your jam, then I am sorry for attempting to rip it a new one. Enjoy it if you will, just don't play it around me.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The REAL Situation

As much as I enjoy this show, I almost can't wait for it to be over so I can write about something else for a change. Its tough being a slave to the will of the people.

Anywho, this is a fun little video featuring some of the cast from Jersey Shore, but its not hard to see who the star is. I'm really starting to like The Situation. He's riding this thing until the wheels fall off and he has a great sense of humor about the whole thing. I think he went from one of the most hated men in America to an alright guy.

None of these people seem quite as douchey as they first did on the show. It looks like MTV has opened all of our eyes and taught us a very valuable lesson about not judging people until you get to know them. All of which is a very pleasant relief from there normal fare of Real World/Road Rules shows with retarded in-fighting and sub-par America's Best Dance Crew teams.

I think they kind of owed us one.

Happy Holidays!

As a sexy Italian-American (as well as Polish and German) today marks the beginning og my family's Christmas celebration. Soon I will exchange presents with my sister and then later we will sit down for our Christmas dinner, which is essentially a repeat of Thanksgiving because we like that meal so much.

In any event, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and a Happy Belated Chanukah to my friends of the Jewish persuasion. Enjoy your Chinese food and movies tomorrow.

May all of our holiday celebrations be as rad as this picture above.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So This is Good News...

The Internets are abuzz with hot news out of Hollywood! Apparently, everyone's favorite guidette, Snooki, lost her receptionist's job after her trip west to appear on Conan O'Brien's show with The Situation. So, like every other MTV reality star, she has decided to go the public appearance route and can be hired out for bars, car dealerships, birthday parties, etc. for the pittance of $2,000 an hour!

I think this would be an excellent birthday party surprise. Can you imagine having Snooki jump out of your cake? That would be awesome as long as she didn't get any self-tanner on it. Hopefully she'll do one of those sweet cartwheels and flash her camel toe to the entire party. That would rank as a pretty excellent birthday party.

As for how long you would want her for, I think an hour is probably perfect. Any more and you probably get bored with her. Or more accurately, annoyed. This is probably one of those situations where the reality is way less than what you have created in your mind. I bet she shows up acting like hot shit and sits in a corner drinking all your Grey Goose. Its not like she has a floor show planned or anything.

Still, it might be fun. I would probably pay twice as much for The Situation. It would be worth it to watch him hit on all my lady friends.

Friday, December 18, 2009

My New Favorite Upcoming Movie: Hot Tub Time Machine

So what do you get when you combine a old-school ski movie, a retarded premise and a great cast of actors? Probably one of the best looking trailers I've seen since Black Dynamite popped up. I am kind of stoked for this movie.

Rob Corddry and Craig Robinson are always funny, and I really liked the kid Clark Duke in the surprisingly good Sex Drive. John Cusack is John Cusack, but he seems like the only question mark. Its like he's slumming or something. Or maybe the script was just that good! That's what I'm hoping for so that's what I'm going to tell people.

In any event, the movie blends a lot of rad elements and has me flashing back to Dean Cameron's hilarious turn as Dave Marshak in 1991's Ski School. You've got skiing, excessive partying, sex and dudes just being dudes. Hopefully we will get some full-frontal nudity too.

Looks like a recipe for success!

MTV Does Not Air the Punch Heard 'Round the World

So for once, MTV took the high road and opted not to air the footage of Snooki getting dropped like a bad habit. Instead they cut away to a black screen and then showed the aftermath with her friends and roommates going after the dude and the cop slamming him onto the hood of the car and saying very dramatically "You're going to jail!" Meanwhile Snooki was on the ground crying because, let's be honest, she took a shot to the face. She was worried that she had some teeth knocked out. She did not.

Despite all my bluster before, she really didn't deserve to get hit at all. The dude was way out of line. He was really drunk and kept stealing the crew's drinks. He's lucky that Ronnie and The Situation didn't get their hands on him. That cop got there really quick.
After the episode, MTV aired a message decrying violence against women and gave some info about women's organizations and stuff, which is the right move, but is not going to get the kids excited about heading to the Shore.

Despite this, the episode was my favorite so far. It showed Pauly D and The Situation working two sets of girls at the club and then ditching the set they took home for the other set that showed up at the house. It was awesome to watch them maneuver. Pauly D took one for the team so The Situation could hook-up and dealt with the pissy, ugly girlfriend who was referred to on the program as"The Grenade," as in "falling on." That was really embarrassing for the girl, but she was a c-block all night, so screw her. Its her own fault for going home with those guidos.

The other highlight was my girl J-Woww's dealings with her boyfriend. This relationship is clearly not going to last and it seems that the only two who don't get that are J-Woww and the boyfriend. As usual they were fighting. Then the boyfriend's friend spied on J-Woww when they went to Karma that night and told his boy that she was grinding on some tool bag with a blow-out (Pauly D) all night long. J-Woww managed to diffuse the situation by explaining that they were playing house music and they were only battling on the dance floor. Once Snooki corroborated the story things were cool.

I love how this is a valid excuse in Jersey.

Me (to my fictitious, traitorous NJ girlfriend): I heard from my boy that you were grinding on some douche with a blow-out all night!

Her: Baby, no! We were dancing to house music! We were just battling on the dance floor.

Me: Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Are you OK? Did anyone get hurt?

Her: No. I'm fine.

Me: I lost a lot of good friends to house music dance battles. Too many. They were good men.

And... SCENE!

Tune in next week for another NJ Shore Playhouse production!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Earth Looks Awesomer with Saturn Rings

So last night when I tried to explain the concept of the Earth having rings like Saturn, my sister's eyes glazed over and I think she may have blacked out for a moment. Despite this, I decided to throw this video up because its bad ass.

I think Earth would be way cooler with a sweet set of rings. I also would mind a giant red spot like Jupiter. Although I will admit that an enormous, perpetually raging red storm somewhere on the planet might be a little disconcerting and will probably mess travel up a great deal.

Since it doesn't look like we will get either any time soon, you'll just have to enjoy this sweet video of what could have been.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Because Its the Holiday Season and I Love Muppets

Here we go again. If you like the Muppets then you will enjoy this one. If not, just move along until I post something non-Muppet.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Jersey Shore Controversy Explained!

Bang up job, Snooki. Thanks for clearing all of that up.

I wish she would explain that hair now. Also, I can't wait until she gets punched on TV.

Ukele Power Jam

This video works for many reasons.

#1. The kid is adorable and the whole thing is precious.

#2. He wails on the ukele and is like 5 or something. He's is like a Pacific Island version of Eddie Van Halen. My favorite part was when he closed his eyes, got the headbang going and just melted into that groove he was laying down.

#3. Not once does he say an actual word during the song. He kind of just moans to the music and I wouldn't have it any other way. (Its kind of like listening to my sister sing along with the radio.)

#4. I think this kid is cooler than anybody out there reading this post. Does his sweatshirt say something about "Commercialism"? How bad ass is that? I bet he has on skinny jeans and checkered Vans too. Or he's one of those super-mellow prodigy kids who refuses to wear shoes and is a 22nd Level Vegan.

Irregardless, I like this little guy.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Jersey Shore Nickname Generator!

You knew it was only a matter of time before something like this popped up. Now we can all revel in the glory that is Seaside Heights, NJ thanks to the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator.

Guess what my nickname was? The Prince of Paramus! How sick is that? Its like the spiritual brother to the nickname I've given myself and this blog. And here I thought today couldn't get any better.

Check it out here and let me know what you guys got.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Snooki Gets Rocked

As if you needed another reason to watch MTV's delicious Jersey Shore here is some more incentive. If you watch the show you get to see this little scene play out in its full context. Now I am certainly not saying that I condone violence, especially against women, by posting this video. Although I will admit that I understand the desire to want to hit this girl.

I read online that the doucher doing the punching is some guy named Brad Ferro. This dildo apparently punched her after he stole her drink. Nice.

Maybe this video will help to explain why my family vacationed exactly one time on the Jersey Shore.

My Pet Peeves: When the Wait Staff Refills My Iced Tea After a Few Sips

This one really gets my goat. As many of you know, I am a man with a deep appreciation for a glass of iced tea. There might not be a finer drink in all the land, save for the vaunted Arnold Palmer, which is half iced tea anyway.

When given my glass of iced tea at a restaurant I take the time to squeeze the lemon into the glass and then mix in my sweetener (usually one Sweet-n-Lo), making what is for me the perfect drink to go with my meal. As I enjoy my drink, the waiter or waitress is no doubt watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. When maybe one quarter of the glass is gone, they swoop in and refresh the glass leaving me with a funky new glass of iced tea.

I understand that they are just doing their jobs and I appreciate the prompt service. I just wish they wouldn't sometimes. Now I am left trying to reconfigure the iced tea formula to get back to where I was before the flavor was tainted. Its like being an alchemist. Do I add 1/4 of a sweetener to get back to where I was? Then what do I do about the lemon? I don't have any more of that. Ultimately, it never works out and I am left with a imperfect tea until I can finish the whole glass and start from scratch.

I don't take this out on the wait staff or anything like that. They are doing a good job. Its just that I am the weird one. Also, I would never say to them "DO NOT refill my iced tea glass until it is completely empty!" That makes me sound like and super-jerk and I will probably get some of their special sauce in my food.

My method of dealing with this transgression manifests in one of two ways: I drink my iced tea super-fast so they can't catch me mid-glass or I just grumble silently to myself. Another method which works sometimes is to keep the glass as far away from the wait staff as possible. This normally works in a booth or against a wall. I can shield the glass from harm and then bring it out when I am ready for more. Like I said this only works some of the time. More often than not I get caught and my glass is refilled.

No don't get me wrong. I realize that this is probably not normal, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm a bit weird. This has even turned into a mild family joke. When my glass gets caught out in the open, my family giggles while I politely steam and then mutter an insincere "Thank you."

Does this bother anyone else or am I just a freak?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Unnecessary Censorship: "Come and Play" Edition

This is another of a really fun series of videos you can scope out here in the ether. Jimmy Kimmel's staff has been doing these for years and they always have me rolling.

In short, they bleep out innocuous words in the clip to make them sound dirty. I think the Sesame Street clip has been the best so far, but there have been some other good moments.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

This is one of those things that just doesn't seem fair. Just like My Monkey Baby, Great Britain gets an awesome TV show first.

I would watch this just for the actors involved, but I also dig the premise. Hopefully, HBO or someone will pick this up and we can join in the fun.

In Case You Missed It, MTV's Jersey Shore Debuted Last Night...

... and you really need to be watching this. I thought it would be a True Life-style documentary series that expanded on the "I Have a Summer Share" from years back that might have been the torchbearer as far as making fun of Guidos goes. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What MTV did was pick four guidos and four guidettes from exotic Northeastern locales as New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island and other parts of New York, and jam them into the mother of all summer shares in Seaside Heights, NJ. They get to live there for the summer, but there is a catch... they have to work in a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk! How delicious!

On the first night Nicole, or Snooki, as she is known back home gets really drunk and makes an ass of herself, hitting on all the guys and then whining that no one likes her. She gets sick the next morning and then almost gets fired from the t-shirt shop for being late. She later freaks out because she is not the center of attention and decides to leave because no one likes her. Then the other girls talk her out of it and she decides to go clubbing with them that night to see if she likes it any better.

She is one of the biggest pains in the asses I have ever seen and she really grates on me when she is on the screen, but I think her sticking around will only make the show better. In fact, one of the future clips they show includes her and I won't give to much away other then to say that she may or may not get punched full in the face by some dude at a club. You'll have to watch to find out for yourself!

Other house members include, Mike "The Situation," which may be the worst (or best) self-given nickname of all time; Vinny, the mamma's boy; Ronnie, the juiced up kid from the Bronx who presumably gets a nipple ring this season; Sammi Sweetheart; Angelina "Jolie," the biggest cockblocker on the planet; and DJ Pauly D, Rhode Island's hottest DJ. His catch phrase is "I'm your girl's favorite DJ," which presumably means he intends to take everyone's girl's with his DJ skills. He may have a little competition is Santa is nice to me this years and brings me DJ Hero for the Wii.

Then there is Jenni, or J-Woww.

I found myself strangely drawn to her. She showed up with fake tits, fake hair and a sneer on her face, and I immediately knew she would be my favorite. I totally think her dragon tattoo is boss, too. She works as a car show model and seems super-slutty from the footage they showed of her back home. She has a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to be an issue for her.

I think in real life I would not even want to be in the same room with this girl, but for the purposes of identifying with a character on the show, it works. My love for her was cemented when she left the bar because she was drunk and wanted to go home and eat ham. She also had a t-shirt that said "I ยช House Music" but I let that one slide.

In all honesty, these people don't seem all that bad. I bet they might even be friendly if they could see past my pale skin and lack of club gear. I think they are just a little too into a guido subculture that really just defies fucking explanation.

I'm an Italian-American and I am proud of it but these guys take that to new heights. They have turned themselves into this bizarre ethnic stereotype. But I guess in the end I can't really fault them. They just like to have a good time. And if you can, at the age of 27-29, take off the entire summer and work in a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk and go clubbing every night, then who am I to judge? Go nuts. Plus, they are bringing the cameras along, which works in our favor.

So far the show rules. They could probably do this every year for the next 20 years like The Real World and there would be no end to the lunacy that they capture. I can't imagine what this show would be like when they're like five seasons in and all the real guidos start auditioning for roles. They could hold American Idol-like casting calls and film that too.

Jersey Shore could become a cultural phenomenon, which would be great news for the hair-care product and self-tanning industries.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

We Should All Be So Cool Under Pressure

Bank Robber Eats Demand Note - Watch more Funny Videos

This guy really takes the prize. He's got ice water in his veins and his isn't going to let the man take him down without a fight. But the real kicker is that he's smart enough to know not to resist arrest. Plus, he wolfs that note down like its the most natural thing in the world.

Now I'm no lawyer but I firmly believe that no jury in the land will convict this man. Why? Because he's fuckin' innocent.