Friday, October 29, 2010

Bloodsuckers Against Twilight

In honor of Halloween, I thought I would show you this brief video of what can best be described as a shit show.

These creepy people decided to have a nice little book-burning to protest Stephenie Meyer's portrayal of vampires in her Twilight series of books/lonely housewife abstinence porn.

I really can't disagree with the Baron there. Meyer yanked the teeth out of vampires with her books. They used to be terrifying and now girls want to date them. That's just not right. I used to be afraid that vampires would break into the house and drain my blood. Then I learned about how they have to be invited into your house. With that fear dispelled, I was only afraid of getting attacked while walking outside at night. So much so that I would anticipate an ambush while walking from my car to the door and we be battle-ready for the quick trip.

That's right. I said my car. I was in my teens and 20s when I first started thinking about this. I didn't say it was a rational fear. My sister is afraid of killer whales. Leave me alone.

Werewolves should also not be big fluffy dogs. They should look mean. My first instinct should not be to rub its belly. I should instinctively choose flight over fight and beat feet. I don't think I can forgive Meyer for that. Don't mess with werewolves.

Hopefully she stops there and we can keep Frankensteins, Creatures from the Black Lagoon, zombies and mummies in the horror world where they belong. I'm sure there are teen mummy love stories out there. If you've thought of one but haven't quite put pen to paper then let me offer you some advice. Don't. They'll just end up in Baron Von Goolo's bin.

Also, is a book-burning the best way to promote a haunted house? You know who else promoted things through book-burnings? Hitler. And we all saw how that turned out.

In summation, Frighttown Haunted House = Hitler. Good night.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Parkour Dog!

While very cool, this video is also terrifying. Let me explain.

There was a time when you could run from a mean dog and find refuge in all kinds of places that weren't flat ground. If this dog is leading the charge into the future then we are boned. He's jumping over fences, running up trees, climbing in your window and snatchin' your people up. Pretty soon I bet he's outfitted with a jetpack. These are the End Times.

At the very least I hope this dog is put on loan to local law enforcement. It would be fun to watch him hunt down purse-snatchers and grandma-punchers. He could even visit schools and teach kids about crime prevention.

Maybe he could even get a contrived sitcom where he is the star of the police force and every week some crook thinks he's got the best of Parkour Dog, but the audience all knows better.

Crook: You'll never catch me, Parkour Dog! I'm way up high in this tree!

[Parkour Dog climbs tree.]

Crook: Gulp!

Then after Parkour Dog has bitten off the butt of the crook's pants to reveal heart-patterned boxer shorts, the mayor (who should have a giant fake handlebar mustache and a monocle) will pin a medal onto his collar and give him a giant dog bone.

I should really take this act to Hollywood. I've got a gift.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Must Have: Comfort Wipe

So this is a real product. Honsetly, I'm surprised that no one had done this sooner. 120 years is a long time for a technology to remain stagnant. I do suspect we've had some guys go the DIY route with this before. The tech is just too brilliant to believe that it is brand new. There had to have been a committee at some point. NASA must have worked on something like this for the space shuttle. They put a go-kart on Mars. I can't imagine the sent shuttle crews into orbit with a few rolls of Charmin.

Now on to the testimonials. I'm not a small man, but I am feeling really good about myself after watching this commercial. I've never not been able to reach my asshole. After today I'm putting that fact in the plus column. I'm happy this man has found just what he needs to clean out his butt. Next, what's going on with this glamorous older woman that she needs to ask for help when she shits? She does sound like she is from Jersey though so maybe her idea of dignity and personal hygiene is different from those outside of America's Armpit.

Back to this groundbreaking technology now. What did they do to toilet paper in the 1880s that was so revolutionary? They couldn't have perforated the sheets for easy separation and I doubt that they had the technology to double ply that stuff. What the hell did they do to it? Were people using their shirts before the 1880s. Someone find out and report back to me!

I can appreciate that the Comfort Wipe has the ergonomic design and offers an additional 18 inches of reach, but are their people out there that really threw their shoulders out wiping their ass? I imagine that would be an awkward situation if you were in a public bathroom. You either ask for help and risk your dignity or suffer through mud-butt. Could a portable Comfort Wipe be in the works? We can only pray that it is. Also do we need a Lady Comfort Wipe for women's front bits or do you guys think the ergonomics will work both ways? These are the burning questions that need to be asked.

I like that they are also sweetening the deal with the Get A Grip. I think the should come in pairs so you can set them up on either side of the toilet to aid in pushing. True story: my dad has one of those in his office. It's probably for my grandmother, but I like to think he's got other plans for it.

In conclusion, the Comfort Wipe seems really unnecessary but will probably be wildy successful. This is America after all. Any tool that helps us do less physically is just tops.I predict this will be the #1 gag gift this holiday season replacing the Snuggie or whatever other bullshit people gave as jokes last year.

I think of the Comfort Wipe the same way I do of nuclear weapons. It can probably get you out of a jam, but God save you if you have to use it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: The Rent is Too Damn High Party

So this really happened. Way to go New York. You really reach for the stars when it comes to politicians.

I think the best part about the election cycle is the nutjobs. Jimmy McMillan clearly falls into that category. First of all, it takes balls to pull off a beard like that. That's not open for debate. Second, he accessorized with black gloves. Also very ballsy.

As for his political platform, you really can't argue with him. The rent is too damn high. If you don't know that then you need to listen like he does. If you do you might hear that child's belly rumbling too. People can't afford to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner. I guess they just have to fill up for the day at brunch.

I'm also pretty excited at the prospect of "karate expert" becoming a legitimate qualification for public office. i don't understand why that wouldn't be a top trait we look for in a civic leader. I am also enamored with his political debate tool of muttering your talking points while it's someone else's turn to speak. It seemed to work. He got the crowd on his side for a bit.

Finally, McMillan looks like this guy from The Neverending Story.

I think New Yorkers should demand to inspect his head and see if there is a weird ridge up there. He could be the advance party of a full-scale invasion by the people of Fantasia. If they bring Gmork and the Nothing, we don't stand a chance.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves" "Happy [Insert Day of the Week]!"

This is the kind of pet peeve that is really just going to make me look like an asshole, but I really feel like I have to get this off my chest. Most of my closest associates know how much this bothers me, but do it anyway just to get under my skin. Well played, my friends. That's exactly what I would do.

I'm referring to people who say things like "Happy Monday!" or "Happy Tuesday!" when it is really just an average, ordinary day of the week. I don't really get this. Are they trying to make each day special or something? Is this some kind of "live each day to the fullest" attitude? I'd really like to get inside the heads of people that do this.

I get that these offenders are only trying to be nice and wish me a nice day in a cute way, but it is wasted on me. Just say "Have a good one!" or something like that. Each individual day of the week does not need to be a happy one. Sometimes a day is just a day and that's OK. They're not all going to be winners.

That doesn't mean I'm not having a happy day or anything. I just don't need to be told to have one every day. It's Wednesday. I just want to get through it and go home.

I also feel like it cheapens the word for the real holidays that you want to be especially happy. Does this mean that my Thanksgiving will be only just as happy as my Happy Thursday of the week before? It better not be. It's Thanksgiving. I want that day to have a little more meaning. Same with my Halloween, Columbus Day Arbor Day, etc. If someone tries to co-opt "Merry" I think I might lose it.

This might all stem from my complete and utter disdain for office small-talk, where I suspect this little phenomenon took flight. Everytime I get stuck in that, I feel like I am trapped in a Dilbert cartoon.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I the lone dickhead who doesn't like people to wish me well?

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Prince of Dundalk Spirit of Superbness Award Winner

For an appropriate soundtrack, click here.

So I have decided to stop the voting and just go ahead and crown this guy the winner of the 2010 Prince of Dundalk Spirit of Superbness Award. It kind of just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?

After an exhaustive search (like a whole day!) I found this gem. Guy in the car wins this award for embodying all of the core values of this site, namely wanton destruction of public property, a complete lack of accountability and responsibility, and the wherewithal to flee the scene of a crime as quickly as possible.

What makes this winner so special is the total lack of grace in execution. This is a clusterfuck of the highest order, but our guy is not deterred from his quest to get the hell out of there no matter what stands in his way. This is the attitude that these great United States were built upon.

Not only does this guy jack up someone else's car, but he pretty much fucks up his ride as well. I'm not 100% clear as to what is going down with his car, but I do know that the rear bumper came off and there was some black smoke shooting out of the exhaust pipe. I'm no Pep Boy, but I think that is a pretty bad sign. This guy doesn't quit. Even though he hits that pole like 15 times, he keeps at it and sort of makes a getaway.

I think the panic-level in the car is beyond anything any of us have ever experienced. I really wish there was audio that could pick up what's going on inside. I'm sure there is just an insane amount of cursing and screeching.

I also imagine the sense of relief after finally leaving that parking lot is palpable. Too bad it was all caught on tape. Nice try though.

Anyway, Guy in the car has truly distanced himself from the crowd thanks to this incredible performance of havoc-wreaking, and has earned a place of honor on this blog. And probably infamy as well. If Guy in the car happens to read this, drop me a line and we can figure out how I can deliver the prize package of a free t-shirt and back rub.

PS In case it wasn't obvious, there was no real voting so don't get all bent out of shape because you didn't get a say. This is my world and y'all are just paying rent.

PPS I don't know if the driver was a man or woman so I decided to call him a guy. It's not sexist to do that since the obvious joke would be to suggest that this was clearly a woman driver. I'm enlightened like that.