Monday, November 29, 2010

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

As many of you may or may not have heard, veteran actor Leslie Nielsen passed away this Sunday at the age of 84 years old. He is best known for his work in the classic comedy Airplane! as well as the Naked Gun series of films.

I personally think this guy is a legend and hold the first Naked Gun as one of the funniest movies ever. The scene with him shimmying around the outside of the building will always stick with me as well as this gem.

I wish he would have visited the Frank Dreben role one last time.

"Look! It's Enrico Palazzo!"

Friday, November 19, 2010


MTV decides to remake Teen Wolf as a TV series and this is what we get? I am incensed right now. This is basically Twilight with a werewolf kid in it. I'm praying that the rights weren't sold so they could create this.

PS Boy gets bitten by werewolf, must come to grips with animal inside is really overdone. Granted, that was the conceit in the original Teen Wolf, but they pulled it off with a little more style. In the end, Scott Howard realized he didn't need the wolf. He learned to be happy in his own skin.

This show doesn't seem to have a lot going for it but there are clearly some glaring omissions. Where is Styles? Where is Boof? I loved Boof and that girl in the trailer is no Boof. Where is the understanding Dad who is also a fluffy werewolf? Also, why does this kid just grow fangs and sideburns when he turns into a werewolf? That is the lamest transformation ever. I would much rather see the Michael J. Fox (or Jason Bateman) long-hair-all-over look.

If this kid doesn't wolf-out on the lacrosse field and become super-popular as a result then this show can't be saved. I'm willing to bet that the "Give me. A keg. Of beer." scene is nowhere near this remake. And I guarantee you there is no van surfing either. The kid is just going to spend all his time brooding for the camera.

Color me disappointed.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Prince Tries a McRib: The Post-Mortem

The sandwich in question, resting on a totally classy placemat.

So as many of you have no doubt heard, McDonalds' McRib made its triumphant return to the fast food giant this month. People across the country have been going nuts over this thing. I admit that when the McRib was in its heyday, I never ventured to try it. I always missed out on its subsequent limited engagements, as well. When I learned last month that it would return, I decided that I would try one, come hell or high water.

So this weekend I decided that I should just take the plunge and snag one from the local Mickey D's. I was a little leery of eating the sandwich (and McDonalds in general) since I saw that picture of the pink paste that eventually becomes Chicken McNuggets, but I pressed on for the sake of my readers. What would you do without me?

The McRib box very helpfully informs you that you are about to eat pork through the use of this well-drawn picture of a pig. This would prove invaluable later on when I tasted the sandwich and needed to convince myself that it was pork and not possibly man-flesh. I don't know what the scoop is for though. Presumably it is loaded up with powdered preservatives.

The McRib passed in the inital occular patdown. That's a McRib all right. It's also pretty saucy and messy, just like ribs! This might not be too bad.

When you go down one layer deeper we see the actual porkish patty and tangy BBQ sauce along with a shitload of onions and pickles. I've never had ribs covered with onions and pickles so I don't know why the sandwich is covered with them. I honestly don't understand why McDonalds puts onions on their Happy Meal burgers either, but that is a topic for another time. I could talk for days about that.

Next up came the cross-section of the sandwich. I feel that this adds some legitimacy to the whole sordid affair. It also allows you to check out the inner working of the McRib. It wasn't pretty. After looking at the cross section for a bit, I got the creeping suspicion that the McRib began it's life as a pink paste much like the Chicken McNuggets that now haunt my nightmares. That didn't exactly inspire confidence in me.

I decided that it was time to put up or shut and just dove right into the sandwich. I took my first bite and came to the immediate conclusion that the McRib pretty much just tasted like BBQ sauce. That's it. It wasn't even a particularly great BBQ sauce. It was just a sauce. The only other flavor was the bread. Despite being a flavorless patty that looks surprisingly like a sandal, the McRib did actually contribute something to the sandwich. It added texture. Unfortunately, the best way to describe the texture of the McRib patty itself is "slippery." It had a spongey quality to it and yet my teeth slid through it very easily. Almost too easily. I immediately began to think about weird meat grown in sci-fi labs a la "The Space Merchants" (Nerd Alert!). Strangely enough I did not throw up. It could have actually been weird future meat I probably would have kept it down. I just didn't enjoy it.

Thoroughly repulsed by my first bite, I decided to give it another one and see if it got any better. It may shock you to find out that it did not. The second bite was as bad as the first. Possibly worse since I knew what I was getting into this time.

I threw in the towel after that.

Fortunately for you, I like to play with my food, so I took this picture that very clearly shows the "ribs" of the McRib patty, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Did they test market and ribless version and find that customers wanted the illusion of bones in their sandwich? Did it make the experience more believable? I wish I knew.

Thankfully I had the foresight to order a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for myself on the off-chance that I did not like the McRib. After my experiment I was looking like a damn genius. That's not to say that the burger was good though. It sucked pretty bad too but it didn't McRib suck. The guy at the drive-thru also screwed up in a good way and gave me two orders of fries instead of the one I ordered, so the night was not a total loss.

Thinking on the McRib's popularity, I am left scratching my head. Is this the way it always was? Was it better back in the day? I really don't get why people love it so much. Hell, The Simpsons even did an episode about Homer touring the country and eating the Krusty Burger version of the sandwich. The McRib is some kind of weird cult icon and I just feel left out. It's like The Rocky Horror Picture Show of fast food sandwiches.

The other thing that really burned me up about the McRib is that it made me think about the delicious BBQ I could be having instead. There are a million places I would rather eat a BBQ pork sandwich from and they would all be phenomenal. I guess the McRib is kind of like getting a McCrab Cake. If you are a smart eater then you know better than to buy it. In this case I was not. Lesson learned.

Anyway, if you are a McRib fan then I am sorry for denouncing your god. I know how fanatical you guys can be. Don't bomb my house or anything. Just keep those sandwiches away from me. I'm still having trouble sleeping thanks to this thing.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Man Eats Beard in Lawnmower Sale Dispute. God Bless the South

I hate to rely so much on videos but when you find something like this, you don't not share it with everyone you know.

There is a lot going on in this video so it may take a few times to soak it all in. The gist of it is that two brothers were kicking it and these drunk dudes tried to buy a lawnmower for $250 from said brothers (the brothers got the mower for $2. SCANDAL!). Then the two drunk dudes figured they were getting cheated so out came the knives and guns and everything went haywire.

Long story short, the drunk guys forced the man in the ultra-classy "Southern Style" hat to eat his own beard, which totally makes sense when you think about it. What would you do if someone was trying to cheat you on the sale of a lawnmower? Punch them? Walk away from the deal? You clearly aren't from Lexington, Kentucky, the Horse Capital of the World. When you suspect a cheat, you feed that son of a bitch his beard at knifepoint. That's the Lexington Way.

And if you're the poor shit who ate his own beard at knifepoint? You take your story to the people and demand justice, because public humiliation is also the Lexington Way.

The person I feel sorriest for is the local TV reporter sent out to cover this kind of stuff. You don't graduate from college with a degree in journalism and then go on a crusade to uncover all the beard-eating crime across the nation. You sit in class dreaming of becoming Tom Brokaw or going on TV and busting up a reviled public figure a la Frost/Nixon. You're busy writing you Pulitzer speech not thinking of hard-hitting questions to ask the guy who ate his own beard.

I guess we all have to start somewhere though. I'll bet even Brian Williams has a story like this in his clips.

Also, that guy looks like Teen Wolf's dad.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

He. Could. Go. All. The. Way!

So this video makes the blog because I love it when teams use trickery to pull a fast one on an unsuspecting opponent. Stuff like this reminds me of all the kids' sports movies I watched when I was younger like The Bad News Bears, The Sandlot or the always awesome Little Giants.

There is something inherently exciting about using a trick play like this as opposed to a simple, well-rehearsed low-risk play. That's why pro teams always win the crowd over when they run reverses or flea flickers. It reminds us all of playing with our buddies after school.

This play is particularly terrific because it completely catches the other team napping. I know they are kids, but the coaches on sideline should have been yelling. I love watching the kid casually walk through the D-line like he has a question. It's like watching Peyton Manning run a bootleg.

It would have been awesome if he was able to walk all the way to the end zone. I will giuve credit where credit is due, #19 had some wheels. He's also the only one that recognized what was going on. Even the deep safety was just standing there watching while #19 was trying to pull him down. Nice job, guy.

Pizza and milkshakes are for winners, but I still hope #19 got some after the game.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Henry Rollins vs. the Hipsters

This is awesome. I love how Henry Rollins deconstructs these kids. In his defense, those people were trying to be cute for the TV cameras. I guess they are pissed that some sell-out came to their spot. Now it's going to get blown up.

Henry might have overreacted though. The man was clearly on edge as soon as he walked in the joint. He kept talking about how he was the old sell-out and they were the hip, elitists. It's like he was itching for a conflict. Either way, it's awesome if you enjoy awkward social interations. And I certainly do.

I don't think you can question Henry Rollins' cred. The man was in Black Flag. Good enough for me. If I saw him in public I would probably say something remarkably stupid like "Henry Rollins! TV Party, man! Rock on!" And I would have been OK with that.

I almost feel like Henry is ashamed of himself or something. It's like an inner battle with his old, punk self and he needs to over-compensate. I guess it would be one thing to do that if you were by yourself, but he brought the camera crew along to rip into the chick.

I like how tired he looks when the guy gives him his band's record too. This video was hilarious. I like Henry Rollins but he kind of reminded me of a crotchety, old man yelling at kids for stepping on his lawn.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kid Gets Detention for Farting on Bus

WTF, man? I can't believe this warrants a write-up on the school bus. Or a news story for that matter.

In all my years of riding a school bus, I only saw one kid get in trouble. They got written up because they were climbing under the seats and scaring people. Then one kid rocked him in the face with their lunch box and gave him a bloody nose. As you can imagine, this was a huge deal for us. The bus driver turned the bus around and took them back to school so the administrators could deal with the problem. I think both of the kids got in trouble.

All I really remember is being super-pissed when we had to go back to school. I was like "Super Friends starts at 3 o'clock, whether I am in front of the TV or not. Let's not screw this up for me." Our bus driver was kind of a jerky lady though.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that bus driver is totally stifling this kid's comedic talent. Farts are gold at that age. They're kind of gold at any age. When you cut the fart material out of the little guy's act, he's left with like two minutes. I think farting on the bus is who Jim Carrey got his start. Where would he be without those early days?

Also, does the kid get written up if he says excuse me after he breaks like the wind? If he does then this bus driver needs to be evaluated. You deal with kids everyday. It's a fart. Get over it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pros and Cons of My Awesome Beard

This is not me. Unfortunately.

So if you are my mother or perhaps one of my three swooning female fans, you might ask "When are you going to shave your beard so we can see your beautiful face?" When confronted with this I usually deflect the question and weasel my way out of it. I do this because a) I am a very, very humble man and do not like to be the center of attention and b) this is a question I struggle with on a daily basis.

It's not that I don't like my beard. I really do. It's just that like most things there are pros and cons to its existence. Not everything in my life is rosy, despite my royal pedigree. Let's first look at the cons.


1. It tends to grow wild. I attribute this to my savage Polish ancestry. I can't grow those short cool beards like some of the men out there. Mine needs a little length before it starts to look good. The plus (or minus) of this is that I can get a Karl Marx-style beard growing if I want to. Another cool side effect of a long beard for me is that I can hide stuff in it. Last year I put pencils in it, hair clips, whatever. You couldn't even see the stuff.

But in the end, the length tends to be a disadvantage. It is difficult to maintain a decent length because, as hair is wont to do, it continues to grow. This growth manages to sneak up on me at times too. I will not think to trim my beard and then one day I wake up and I look homeless. It just goes in all different directions. Do you know how sometimes you will have an eyebrow or eyelash that gets in your field of vision? Imagine having that all over your face. There have been times when I have been in work meetings and have noticed two-inch-long beard hairs sticking straight off of my face. That's not cool. I've also gotten my beard caught in the zippers of high-collared jackets before.

The other issue that piggybacks off of this is moustache maintenance. I hate having to deal with that. It's always overgrowing and getting in the way. I try to keep it trim but there are always some that slip past. When I find these stray long hairs, I constantly play with them with my tongue, which probably makes me look weird in public and helps to unnecessarily chap my lips. I can't win.

2. Beard dandruff. That's correct. I get dandruff in my beard. I never figured this would be an issue, but I guess when you don't shave, the skin on your face gets dry and flakes off. When I scratch my beard, forget about it. It's like a snowstorm. If I do it on a flat surface, I can then collect it and it looks like grated parmesan cheese. Gross.

Now this obviously gets all over my dark clothes so I am constantly brushing myself off. I have tried all kinds of facial moisturizers too. In any bearded dudes know of something that works, holla at your boy. I want to be rid of this.

3. The beard catches food. Ned Flanders called his moustache a flavor saver and he wasn't kidding. You get all kinds of things caught in your beard. And since it is hair, you sometimes don't know about it until someone tells you. Once I got a glob of mayo trapped in my beard inexplicably under my chin and out of sight. I didn't find it until that night before bed, when it had dried around the beard hairs and started to smell rank. Great. That's absolutely awful.

That's not an isolated incident either. If I am eating something with sauce, its on my beard and I am powerless.

Enough complaining. On to the Pros.


1. I look super totally awesome. My beard is thick and rich. It is also quite soft and not at all bristly. A drunk dude at a bar once told me that I had the greatest beard in existence. This was unsolicited too. He was also drunk, but that's neither here nor there.

The beard also helps to affect a rugged, outdoorsy look which I am only too happy to keep going. I was kind of going for that when I was clean shaven, so this works even better.

2. It really does help to keep my face warm when the wind picks up. It also catches the snow, which makes me look like a mountaineer (see Pro #1).

3. It's slimming. Having a big, dark clump of hair makes my face look more slender than it really is. The beard also helps to disguise my jowlyness under my chin area. This is indispensable. If I shaved today, my face would look like a beluga whale's.

4. It helps me to save money on razors and shaving cream. This is self-explanatory. Most times I don't even use shaving cream when I do my trimming. I just wet parts of my face and do it.

There you have it. I would say the beard isn't going anywhere for a while, but that would be dishonest. I am a creature of whims and sometimes I shave just because I can. But before I go clean-shaven, I treat myself to beard fun, where I will give myself muttonchops or a fu manchu or a Civil War beard or something rad like that. It's one of those things you have to experience to truly appreciate.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mobbies 2010 Voting Starts Today!

Greetings massive! Today marks the start of voting for the Baltimore Sun's Most Outstanding Blog Award, or as we affectionately call them, the Mobbies.

As you may recall, I was involved in this last year and put up a good showing. At the time, I was a fledgling blog just getting my feet under me and still managed to come in a respectable second place in the humor category. This may have had something to do with the fact that I was one of the few blogs in the category that actually employed humor in my writing, but I digress. Now I have more than six new fans so I expect an even stronger showing!

For you newbies around here, you can vote everyday for your favorite blog in each of the different categories. Once again, I am in the humor section and I would certainly appreciate your vote. The catch is that you have to be a registered member of the Baltimore Sun's online community, but I really do think I am worth that little extra effort.

To vote, please go here or just click on the little badge to the right. If you vote everyday, I will be your best friend. With your help, I really think we can take this, the Baltimore dick joke blog of record to the top!

Please remember to vote for me everyday! And while you are at it, cast your vote in the foodie category for the sultry ladies of Black Coffee and a Donut. They've promised me that if they win this year the plan to host a naked dinner party for all of their fans. The Prince of Dundalk will see it done!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Halloween Thriller House

I wish I would have seen this before today. I like when people get in the spirit of Halloween. I also like it when little kids dress as scary things as opposed to princesses and Power Rangers.

Today I saw a picture of a toddler dressed as a Vampire Princess with blood all over her mouth and it was awesome. I think you can maybe trick your daughters into ghoulish costumes by telling them they are still princesses, just undead princesses.

Anywho, this is totally cool and way better than the Christmas houses with that Manheim Steamroller bullshit. Also, worst band name ever. It sounds like a gay German industrial group.

I hope everyone had a spooky Halloween filled with lots of visits from entities from beyond the veil.

PS Come back tomorrow for details on voting for this year's Mobbie Awards, which I hope to own this time around.