Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Kid Gets Detention for Farting on Bus

WTF, man? I can't believe this warrants a write-up on the school bus. Or a news story for that matter.

In all my years of riding a school bus, I only saw one kid get in trouble. They got written up because they were climbing under the seats and scaring people. Then one kid rocked him in the face with their lunch box and gave him a bloody nose. As you can imagine, this was a huge deal for us. The bus driver turned the bus around and took them back to school so the administrators could deal with the problem. I think both of the kids got in trouble.

All I really remember is being super-pissed when we had to go back to school. I was like "Super Friends starts at 3 o'clock, whether I am in front of the TV or not. Let's not screw this up for me." Our bus driver was kind of a jerky lady though.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that bus driver is totally stifling this kid's comedic talent. Farts are gold at that age. They're kind of gold at any age. When you cut the fart material out of the little guy's act, he's left with like two minutes. I think farting on the bus is who Jim Carrey got his start. Where would he be without those early days?

Also, does the kid get written up if he says excuse me after he breaks like the wind? If he does then this bus driver needs to be evaluated. You deal with kids everyday. It's a fart. Get over it.


  1. I almost sent you this video when I saw it. Classic.

    I have actually seen farting on the school bus punished. Sit back while I tell you a tale.

    It was the freshman year of high school. Like all good Freshman we were seated in the front three rows of the school bus to avoid beatings from the upperclassmen. Mere minutes from school I had my eyes closed, half asleep when the most vile odor ever to pass through a human anus permeated the air. Normal oxygen molecules committed hari kari in the presence of this stink. I went from borderline dreaming to dry heaving in a matter of seconds. I look back to see two of my friends laughing uncontrollably. They were watching my reaction in the rear view mirror and observed the impact it had on my nervous system. Well played. Any fart that can elicit a physical response in another is something special.

    These young hooligans failed to realize the power of the flatulence in relation to the bus driver. The bus driver was a woman named Shaniqua. Saquina counted on the soulful sounds of Mary J Blige to brighten up her day. As the poison gas reached her general area she slammed down the stop button on her cassette player halting "What's the 411?" mid track. She screamed "What is that? You can't do that in my bus! I am telling the Dean." The more we laughed the angrier she got. She pulled up to the school parked the bus and went in to get the Dean. The laughter is uncontrollable at this point despite the fact that the threat of the Dean still carried weight in our obedient Catholic school minds. As the Dean approached our Pavlovian response was to grow quiet. Shaquina knew that it came from one of my two friends based on the initial laughter. The Dean entered the bus alone. He detained the first three rows and let the rest of the students leave. Shaquina stood outside the bus with a triumphant look upon her face. Surely she expected that the culprits would be punished with swift and vicious force. I thought I heard her mumble something about "sewing that ass hole shut."

    The Dean began his interrogation. In a show of solidarity, no one broke. I think in some way he respected that no one was a Fart-Narc. Since any type of a sniff test would have been on shaky legal ground, he let everyone go with a sound piece of advice that only an official of an all boys school could provide: "Guys, try not to fart around women."

    The King of New York

  2. Oh King-- that was fantastic.

    I remember a mean bus driver that would drive around the huge cul-de-sac at the back of the neighborhood. She would purposely drive on the curbs because she liked to watch us fall out of our seats. She would look back and laugh and one kid actually got a big scrape on their arm when they fell out of the seat. I'll never forget that white trash face of hers.

    We banded together because we had enough. We had a "meeting" at the bus stop where we wrote down a laundry list of all of the horrible things she had done. One asshole told me she was "drunk" and saw a bottle of vodka in her trashcan.

    We all ran up to the principal and told him everything. I remember him reading it going, "She drinks vodka while driving?!?!" and I was like, "Yes sir. My friend told me. She saw an empty bottle in her trashcan."


  3. I like that no one broke while threatened by the Dean.

    "I am Fartacus."

    Also, I remember when the young Princess Kendra told me about the evil bus driver and the plot to overthrow her. I'm sure the principal had a good laugh over that one.

  4. "I am Fartacus."

    I smell a youtube parody. Haha.


  5. Nice story Frank White, but seriously, suspended over a fart? If this happened in Iraq, what do you think the Eye for an Eye punishment would be? or should I say brown eye?