Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Poll is Closed!

It's been closed for a bit now, but I've been a little sidetracked so you'll have to forgive me.

I have to say you guys did not disappoint. The majority of you were totally shallow and said you would not date someone with the height discrepancy. A little confession: I was the first one to vote and said I would not date a girl that was taller than me. Shocker, right?

What I'd really like to know is who is the sap who voted that "Love conquers all"? That's just crazy to me. Love definitely does not conquer my inferiority complex. Duh.

Merry Meet!: The Prince Tries Out the Renaissance Festival

That's not real fairy magic. Its Photoshop if I'm not mistaken.

So every now and again, its important for a man of noble blood to get out and mix with the commoners. One fine Saturday morning, I found myself amongst the splendor and magic of Revel Grove (aka the Maryland Renaissance Festival) with my sister, the Princess, and my aunt, the Duchess of Something or Other.

This was my first trip to the Festival and I was amped for some sweet-ass people watching. I was not disappointed. We started off walking through the mayhem and basically ate our way around the place starting with the Steak on a Stake.

First a word of caution. I was told that some kid had one of these and put his eye out with it when he tripped. While this is certainly possible, I think it might just be an urban legend. If there is evidence of this being true, holla at me. I can't be bothered to look it up.

If this did happen, well then I'm sorry but its a little thing called "thinning the herd." I managed to eat some of this and come out with both eyes in the process. But if you were to lose an eye this would be a great place to do it since you could go eye-patch shopping at one of the many shops.

After this we ducked into a few stores including one that sold creepy marionettes and stuff with feathers and then another that sold Gandalf staffs and shit. Most of the really cool ones were like $800 so I decided to pass.

Then we stopped off for more very affordable food including the requisite giant turkey leg and a glass of mead. Baby Sis and Auntie did not like the turkey leg which came as no great surprise. I don't think the mead was a hit either but they humored me because I bought it for everyone.

The Princess hating the turkey leg.

All this talk of food is well and good, but the real reason you head to the Ren Fest is to people watch. As you can imagine there were a ton of people to look at. I think our favorite had to be this one below. We had to be stealth with our photography so we didn't look like complete assholes.

The good news is that this isn't our first rodeo, so my family knows how to pick up on the non-verbal cues and get into position. Now the piece du resistance.

Our special decoy at work

This shot was our favorite for what is hopefully an obvious reason. This girl had her boobs pushed up so far in her bustiere that they became her shoulders. It was really an incredible feat.

Then we saw this dude who was certified bad-ass. He even had his flagon attached to his belt in case he came across some dude with a barrel of ale or went to the stand that sold Bud Light.
My sister was convinced that this dude in the costume had a boner while he was watching some chick acrobats perform. I don't see the boner, but I think its interesting that the guy behind him still hates Thatcher. Let it go, dude. Whatever it is.

When we were getting ready to leave we saw this guy on the left (doing the choking) coming in to rock the party. When he passed I quietly said under my breathe "Oh snap! A drow!" which is really way lamer than you can even imagine. Google "drow" to see how geeky I am.

In the parking lot, we saw this really giant dude loading his red leather dragon armor into his Honda Accord with some help from his loyal squire (read: patient wife).

All in all, I had a good time. I found many really dumb things to spend money on but resisted. If I head back I may not be so strong and could come out of there with a shit load of armor and weaponry.

I think my only complaint about the Renaissance Festival is that no one carries weaponry around the place. Maybe its not allowed or frowned upon, but really I think its probably just that the people come to revel, not fight. Which in my mind makes it ripe for a raiding party. I would love to come through on horseback with the creepy pig-dogs from Willow leading the way. We could just torch the damn place and loot everything before they could even raise defenses. That would be authentic Renaissance-type shit.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Mobbies!

So I've been writing this blog for close to five months now and I have to say: It's a bout damn time it was recognized for being so outstanding. I don't write this to entertain you or please myself. Its always been about something way more important. Outside recognition and glory. And now I'm poised to seize it all!

But I can't climb the mountain without you. You are allowed to vote once a day at the Baltimore Sun's Mobbie web page and I would encourage you to do so. I don't want to be the guy in last place. You have to sign up for an account on the page but that is a small price to pay to be in my good graces.

You can navigate to the page through the address below or from the widget on the right-hand side of the page. Thanks a bunch!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Why Do They Make Movies Like This?

Ask around. I'm a huge tool when it comes to rom-coms. I'm a sucker for a love story and I always will be. But what the hell is this? This looks like one of the worst romantic comedies of all time. Its a real emasculator.

First, the premise is stupid. The girl with the big, fat Greek wedding thinks she has it figured out and only goes out with guys for a maximum of five dates because that's when the fun runs out.

But wait! Could it be? Does she have feelings for this guy after the fifth date? It looks like she's going to have to break her own rules if she's going to have a happy ending!

Second, retarded premise aside, there is nothing cute or funny about this film. If you can't be endearing at least make the jokes funny. I didn't even crack a smile. Not even during Kamikaze Karaoke. Try and engage me somehow. Who wants to watch boring people meet and have sex?

No one go and see this. This film is no 27 Dresses.

Sorry for the rant. It's late.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Greatest Show I Didn't Know Existed: My Monkey Baby

Should have sent... a poet!

So I was perusing the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, my portal to all things pop culture and worldly, when I came across a shocking little tidbit in the What to Watch section. Since I already gave away the title of this train wreck, I'll get right to it.

The new series (in the U.S. anyway) My Monkey Baby premieres Sunday, October 4th at 9 p.m. on TLC and follows a young monkey named Jessica Marie and her nutty fucking "parents" who happen to treat her like a real baby. She has a pretty pink bedroom and all the latest toys.

As you can imagine, I am beyond excited for this show to come home to American soil. The British ran with this and for that I am forever grateful, but its time to come home, My Monkey Baby. For a long time, I've felt an emptiness in the middle of my soul and I feel like this could finally fill it.

Now I know some people will piss and moan about this show and how these people should not be doing what they are doing, but to hell with that. If you aren't hurting anyone and it makes you happy, just do it and shut up about it. Its your own stupid fault for starring in a damn TV show about how cracked you are.

I think its our obligation to watch shows like this that explore the fringes of society so that we can recognize when friends, family or even ourselves reach that razor's edge and, hopefully, pull everyone back to safety.

I would say that I don't plan to judge these people but we all know that's bullshit. I'm already judging them. But I don't care that they have monkey babies. I'm just glad they're letting me into their creepy lives to point and laugh.

Plus, I don't think there are too many readers out there that would not take a monkey if someone offered one to you. I think that would be the coolest. The only pets I would like better are a gorilla or grizzly bear, for obvious reasons.

If I did have a monkey I would not name it Jessica Marie or Silly Willy and it would not wear dresses and make-up. It would have a totally sick tree house to sleep in with awesome ropes to climb and swing from, and would probably hang out on my shoulder all the time. I would also teach it to pick pockets.

As far as names go, I'm leaning towards Colonel Edward James Bananas for a boy and Lady Jane Elizabeth Bananas for a girl.

So here is the deal. I can't embed videos of this show for some ungodly reason (why don't you want me to share this with the world?), but I implore you to click the links and see this sideshow for yourself. You will not be disappointed. Highlights include Jessie mowing the lawn with "Daddy" and getting her nails filed with "Mommy." Then there is Silly Willy and his stay-at-home "Mom."

Click here and here to have your life changed. Maybe not for the better.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

This is Uber-Geeky...

... but I bet you all do it anyway.

Click here to see what your Elvish name would be if you happened to live in Middle-Earth. What?!

I have to give credit to my main man Brian's sister Nicole and her blog for this little tidbit. Check the blog out here. Its way more tasteful and serious than this extended dick joke I've got going on over here. Head on over and get some culture for God's sake, but not before you look up your name and drop it in the comments.


Eruantien Calminaionion

(I looked up some elf shit on Wikipedia for the last name. It doesn't quite work with my patronymic surname. NECKBONE!)

I'm Glad I Wasn't the Only One Stumped

The priests seemed to have a hard time unscrambling this one too.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dundalk is Flooded!

Its been a rough year for the kingdom I rule in exile. First we had tornadoes and now this. As you may (or may not) have heard, there was a massive water main break in Dundalk this evening. A 6-foot pipe opened up gushing water for quite some time before one of the quick-thinking civil servants turned off the damn spigot.

The place is a mess, but it looks like the Box N Save and Captain Harvey's will be OK. Already the residents are milling about. I saw one man in his super-baggy jeans wading through the water in front of his house. I'm sure he was just checking the road to make sure he can get to Howard's Pub tonight.

Though many homes are without power or water, I expect my administration will have things up and running in no time. I've got my best man in Emergency Management, Brownie, on the case. We should be OK soon. Once the situation is cleared up I plan to parachute in trailing a "Mission Accomplished" banner. It should be pretty great.

My only regret is that I was not there when the main ruptured. I could have wrestled the pipe down and twisted it shut with my beefy arms, thus saving everyone a lot of trouble. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, huh?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Paranormal Activity Trailer! Now with More Paranormal Activity!

So here is another trailer for this scary ass movie complete with stuff that should scare you a little bit. I think they're going for the whole Blair Witch "less-is-more" concept. EXCEPT WHEN THE DUDE GETS THROWN AT THE CAMERA! Nice. I won't spoil the rest of it, but maybe, just maybe, the house isn't what's haunted. Duh duh duh!

This movie is not playing anywhere nearby, but according to the trailer I can DEMAND that someone play it near me. How the hell do I do that? Do I write a letter? Contact my Congressman? Stage a sit-in?

Anyway, enjoy the trailer... if you dare!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Prince's Word of the Day: Lucubration

No diatribe today. Just a word that really doesn't seem necessary.

Today I was sent "lucubration." This word is defined as "the act of studying by candlelight; nocturnal study; meditation."

Does that really need its own word? Would you really say "Oh hey sorry, man. I was lucubrating in my room. I didn't hear you." Or would you maybe say "I was studying by candlelight."

Who the hell studies by candlelight anymore anyway? No one, that's who. I propose that this word be stricken from the books. We don't need it. Plus its a waste of paper to put words like this in the dictionary. We all need to do our part to save this big blue ball we call Earth. Even Merriam-Webster.

Guess What Came Out Today

So Dan Brown's latest book came out today and I you may have guessed my mother bit the bullet and bought a copy. This was surprising to me because Moms hasn't been much of a reader lately. She's been into audiobooks and I figured she would go that route.

In any event, the book is now in my family's possession and I imagine I will get around to reading it at some point. The exciting thing about a new book is that sometimes you really don't know where it will take you.

Lets see what The Lost Symbol is about from the product description:

In this stunning follow-up to the global phenomenon The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown demonstrates once again why he is the world’s most popular thriller writer. The Lost Symbol is a masterstroke of storytelling--a deadly race through a real-world labyrinth of codes, secrets, and unseen truths . . . all under the watchful eye of Brown’s most terrifying villain to date. Set within the hidden chambers, tunnels, and temples of Washington, D.C., The Lost Symbol accelerates through a startling landscape toward an unthinkable finale.

As the story opens, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is summoned unexpectedly to deliver an evening lecture in the U.S. Capitol Building. Within minutes of his arrival, however, the night takes a bizarre turn. A disturbing object--artfully encoded with five symbols--is discovered in the Capitol Building. Langdon recognizes the object as an ancient invitation . . . one meant to usher its recipient into a long-lost world of esoteric wisdom.

When Langdon’s beloved mentor, Peter Solomon--a prominent Mason and philanthropist--is brutally kidnapped, Langdon realizes his only hope of saving Peter is to accept this mystical invitation and follow wherever it leads him. Langdon is instantly plunged into a clandestine world of Masonic secrets, hidden history, and never-before-seen locations--all of which seem to be dragging him toward a single, inconceivable truth.

As the world discovered in The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons, Dan Brown’s novels are brilliant tapestries of veiled histories, arcane symbols, and enigmatic codes. In this new novel, he again challenges readers with an intelligent, lightning-paced story that offers surprises at every turn. The Lost Symbol is exactly what Brown’s fans have been waiting for . . . his most thrilling novel yet.

Wow! Sounds exciting doesn't it? I guess if I were to hazard a guess I would say that Robert "Tom Hanks" Langdon will decipher some crazy symbol which leads him on a wild goose chase. Along the way he will meet a smart, sexy young woman who will become his love interest and help a former mentor. But wait! The mentor is in on the plot and is setting up the protagonist! Oh the horror! But don't worry. Langdon will come through in the end and he and his new lady will live happily ever after until the next book.

Now I could be wrong about this little plot synopsis, but I doubt it. I'm confident in my prediction because that is exactly what has happened in every one of his other books.

I don't get this whole literary sensation. The books are formulaic at best. There are finer works of literature than this. But that doesn't mean they aren't entertaining. Reading a Dan Brown book is the literary equivalent of a Michael Bay film.

Like I said, I will get around to reading this at some point. If I'm write -- or wrong! -- I will let you know. Also, if I inadvertently ruined this book for you, I apologize. What can I say? I'm passionate.

Now back to my It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 4 DVDs.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hardees Releases Big Hardee

Oh boy. I'm in trouble now.

Apparently Hardees had to outdo sibling fast food chain Carl's Jr. The other chain just released the Big Carl, which was there answer to McDonald's Big Mac. That girly sandwich only had two patties, making the Big Hardee the clear winner in the Kill-all-the-Fatties contest.

I'll let you know how it is if I survive it.

EDITOR'S AWESOME BURGER TANGENT: The other day I stopped by Columbia's Fatburger to try their delicious Maui Banana Milkshake. Of course I got myself a little snack too. The cool thing was when they yelled "Fatburger" back to the grill, this huge dude turned and acknowledged it. It was none other than Orlando Brown, former Baltimore Raven and current restauranteur.

Brown, seen here smacking the shit out of Jeff Triplette while with the Cleveland Browns.

I was going to say something cool like "Thanks Zeus!" but I'm a total chicken shit.

R.I.P. Bodhi

In case you had not heard, Patrick Swayze passed away this evening after a long bout with pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

Sway is responsible for a ton of awesome roles, including Dalton in Road House, where he ripped out a dude's throat. Despite that I will always remember him for his work in what is quite probably one of my favorite movies of all time. I'm referring of course to Point Break. Sway starred as Bodhi, the Zen surf guru and bank robber who takes a young, dumb and full of cum Johnny Utah (played by Keanu Reeves in what is by far his greatest role) under his wing and teaches him how to surf... and live.

I don't think I need to tell you how the rest of the story goes.

The movie is all kinds of awesome and culminates in this truly epic scene. Please enjoy it here and then buy this movie if you do not own it.

Vaya con dios.

Enjoy this too.

The Prince's Word of the Day: Crapulous

So I get a word of the day sent to me each morning from Dictionary.com. Its a fun way to stroke my ego because most of the words they send me I already know. As you may have noticed, I have an exceptional command of the English language, which means I talk and write real good.

Today's offering was a bit of a disappointment. The word was "crapulous." I confess that I did not know this word but had a pretty rad idea as to what it meant. I was surprised to find that it means "given to or characterized by gross excess in drinking or eating." The wonderful thing about language is that no matter how much you know or read or discover there will always be little words that fly under the radar and surprise you. This was one of those.

I totally think crapulous should be the opposite of fabulous. I think the words construction lends itself to that. Let's examine. First, we have the root word "crap" which means doody or shit. Then we have "-ulous" which is the end of fabulous.

Dictionary.com defines "fabulous" as "almost impossible to believe; incredible." I think we should redefine crapulous to mean the exact same thing but only with a crappy connotation, i.e. "We went to the The Prince's party and all he had was a case of Miller High Life and a bag of Utz. It was totally crapulous."

We have the power to do this. Who is with me?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Paranormal Activity: The Supposed Scariest Movie of the Year

So here is something that I thought you guys might like. This new movie, Paranormal Activity, was apparently the bee's knees at Slamdance, the alternative film festival held during Sundance. I was reading online and in my favorite pop culture magazine, Entertainment Weekly, that this movie is one of the scariest films to come out in a long time.

The trailer is kind of creepy but nothing so bad that it will scare the pants off of anyone. But here is the issue. This movie isn't in a position to hype itself up since its coming out of nowhere. All they need to do is tease some film geeks into the theater at a film festival and they win. I don't think that is particularly hard to do. Now that they have established word of mouth they can let the dudes on the Internet (like me!) spread the word and help fill theaters.

My point in all of this is that the trailer probably does not show you anything at all. They save it for the movie. This sounds great to me but at the same time it kirks me the hell out. I was watching the trailer with the cursor ready to close the entire web page. I like a good horror movie but the ones I enjoy the most (ie the ones that scare me) are the ones that give me the creeps.

You can keep your Friday the 13th bloodbaths and your Saw-series torture porn. If a movie tricks me into thinking about it, I'm done because my imagination will absolutely horrify me and keep me from sleeping for many nights. This movie seems like it might be in that vein. So now for a little background: a couple thinks their house may be haunted so they set up cameras to record any paranormal activity (that's the title of the movie so you know they get some!).

From what I can glean from the trailer they find a lot of this shit and the wife is left banging her head against the bed in the end. Presumably because she went insane with terror! Or maybe she just likes to rock out. To each his own. I'm not here to judge.

So anyway this movie could be cool. I shall let you all be the judges. Enjoy the trailer.

Who's coming with me to see it?

UPDATE: The fellaters at Ain't It Cool News are losing their minds over this. The movie's home page says that people are so scared that they are literally shaking in the theaters. They also say that it will leave an imprint on you psyche! That is some serious shit. I would love to see a movie that changes my mental make-up through unbelievable terror. I hope someone goes insane when I see it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Polish Yetis!

As many of you know, I am a super-nerd for stuff like ghosts, werewolves, vampires, etc. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw this little clip some Polish dudes captured while vacationing in the Tatra mountains.

We've been without good Yeti footage for a very long time. Hopefully this will amount to more than the bigfoot costume those dudes from down south froze and sold to some scientists.

At the very least this is better footage than the "flying man" that MonsterQuest showed us.