Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Cutest Lil' Hockey Fight Ever

I don't think a whole lot needs to be said about this one. As I like to say its "totes adorbs."

I think the kids want to fight because they see it on TV but don't really get the point behind fighting. That in itself is really sweet. They're just little guys right now. Give them a few years and they'll be decking the shit out of each other.

The best part is when the "fight" goes a little too far and Mazza's mom steps in. All she has to do is say his name in that mom voice and he totally backs off. Busted!

I think if the dads had been there they would have let it go on a little bit. Most dads probably wouldn't even think to stop the fight. Men aren't wired like that.

I confess that I probably would have felt a little thrill if I saw my kid try and take down another kid on the ice during rec league hockey. I would definitely stop it before any teeth were lost. I want my kid to be good-looking. He doesn't need to look like a hockey enforcer for his school photos. Besides dentures are expensive.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


So this beautiful ditty by Leoncie was just pointed out to me today and I have to say that any song with the chorus "Cheap Sex!" is OK in my book.

This music video also features the line “You’re just a lousy cop and not some great detective/ you pick up all those sluts from the street and screw them in secret.” Man. That science is too tight.

Apparently Leoncie gets a lot of grief from people for her music so she added a manifesto to her YouTube page. She writes: "Her success is solely due to the fact that she has worked extremely hard, and professionally at everything she does,despite inteference from Warblers,Pagans,Pirates,Racists, Hypocrites,haters,always drowning in a Hate Filled Existence with their False, Malicious, Unfounded Lies,Fantasies,Hallucinations on the Web."

Preach, sister! That's exactly why my album An Evening of Princely Virtues failed to chart! It was the damn pagans and warblers. Anyway, I'm sending this one out to you Leoncie. I think you know what I'm talking about.

Also, is Leoncie a tranny? I can't tell.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Postcards from the Land of the Rising Sun: Chimp Baseball

So where to begin? First off, it was very nice of that farmer to teach the chimpanzee how to play baseball, even if he isn't very good. The important thing is that he tries really hard. Extra points given for using the Charlie Sheen version of "Wild Thing" from the Major League movies.

But if I'm being honest, the chimp throws like a girl and sucks at fielding ground balls. Was anyone else nervous when they gave the bat to the little guy? I had visions of 2001 in my head and I started to worry about the kind farmer/coach. I guess it was unfounded since the chimp is clearly quite attached to him and figured out the mechanics of batting pretty quickly. He's like a regular Pedro Cerrano.

What I don't understand is the format of the TV show. Are these people contestants or something? Are just supposed to enjoy their reactions to the chimp playing ball? I feel that if you plan on taping people's reactions then you should maybe have something fun or shocking. This really didn't fit the bill. Do these people know they are being filmed?

Anyway, back to the minors with you, little fella!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Cats in Wigs!

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Normally when I post videos that originate in the great state of Texas, they are the type that are more likely to evoke a "YEE-HAW" response than a "WTF?" Not today. I give you cats in wigs.

I was surprised to even discover that there was a cat wig industry let alone enough of a following to support a photography book filled with cats in wigs. This is apparently so big that a photojournalist quit her job to just take shots of cats in wigs and make this book.

I guess people just like sexy cats. Who wants to look at some boring old regular cat with no sexy hair-do? Not the good folks of northern Texas.

It's important to note that the cats in the video do not look like they are having a good time. Shaft, the rescued cat from Ft. Worth, clearly does not like wearing sunglasses and I'm thinking that he wasn't enjoying the wig either. I really did like him with the long blonde wig and the little red cowboy hat. He looks like a Lonestar State stripper in that outfit.

It's also important to note that they people in the video refer to the cat owners as "moms." If I am ever referred to as a "cat dad" you have my permission to just put me out of my misery. At that point it probably couldn't get much worse for me.

I also feel as though I should point out that this new practice is heading down a very messy road. Those cats in the wigs look a little too Japanese hentai for me. It starts here but soon we have cat wig pin-up shoots and even sexier cat photos. Then we move on to weird cat people porn and who knows where else. That's not a world I want to raise children in.

I say all of this knowing all to well that I am a hypocrite. Why? Because I have no problem with this whatsoever.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

They Grow Up So Fast

This little guy had me rolling. He was so excited to see Vanessa Hudgens boobs that he made a video and posted it on the Internet. For those of you that live in a cave (but still have Internet access) or those that haven't landed on the Disney Channel during an airing of one of the High School Musicals, this is Vanessa Hudgens.

Isn't she sweet? Totes. But she also got nasty for Zac Effron and snapped some shots of her cooter and boobs for him and apparently the entire world as well. I guess I can't blame her though. Zac is pretty dreamy. I might be inclined to pose suggestively if it would make him smile.

But I digress. We'll save the Zac Effron man-crush until he does something really bad ass to earn it. 17 Again was good but I'd like to see a little more from him before he gets his own man-crush post.

So anyway, this kid is pretty jacked and I suspect that he might be well on his way to his first boner, unless the first round of Hudgens shots got the job done. And that is what I don't get.

Since this kid is posting videos to the web, I have to assume that he knows his way around a computer. If he knows his way around a computer then I have to assume that he has discovered online porn. He must have. It takes up like half of the Internet already. If all of the above is true, then why in the hell isn't this kid more jaded?

Kids today have it made. When I was young, you were lucky if you somehow scored a porn mag. You were a god at school if you could turn your TV to the Playboy Channel and kind of make out what was going on through the static and scrambles images. This guy has a credit card and high-speed wireless.

He probably knew what bukkake was when he was 4 and has moved on to German scat movies by now. He'll have a latex fetish in high school. Why does he care so much about a teen star's nudes? Is it the idea of forbidden fruit?

I guess I had crushes on older girls when I was his age. I probably don't know what I would have done if I'd seen Belinda Carlisle or Cindy Crawford naked. I do know that my man Greg Nice would have stabbed me in the neck for a chance to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in all her teen glory and even went so far as to sketch a life-size portrait and send it along to her. I guess its not that much of a reach to think tht he would have made videos about her and posted them to YouTube.

I guess this kid isn't all that different than me and my friends, after all. We're all creepy little perverts.

Friday, July 9, 2010

SEXagenarian Breaks it Down at Hedonism II

Uncle Rick didn't tell me he was going on vacation! I hope he brings me back a t-shirt.

Where would one find Black Beach Week on television? I think this is a show I could get behind.

Also, what the hell is Uncle Rick rippin' and tearin'? I shudder to think. Be careful ladies. The men of my bloodline are notorious stallions.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Still Not Impressed with DC Street Musicians

 I wish this guy was playing outside the Metro!

When last I left you, I was being assaulted on the streets by a trumpet player's stirring rendition of The Flintstones theme. Since then I have heard a ton of crappy street musicians, but today's really took the cake.

Lately, there has been a man with an electric blue violin that sets up shop by my Metro station. Now you'd think he would range more towards classical fare but you would be wrong. Totally and completely wrong. This guy keeps it live for the modern audience and plays a bunch of contemporary hits. 

Just a few weeks back, some co-workers got excited because they thought the guy was recreating the Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" on the street corner, but were dismayed to find it was just our buddy playing the fiddle over a CD.

Today was something special though. As I came up the super fucking long escalator today, I could hear our friend playing what sounded like Seal's "Kiss from a Rose" which featured prominently on 1994's Batman Forever soundtrack. I also heard a strange tinkling instrument playing along to the beat. 

Did someone actually wheel a harpsichord to the Metro stop to sit in and help fill out the group's sound today? Of course not. It was the violin player's lady banging away on a triangle like it was time for dinner on a dude ranch. She was just sort of playing along to the tune of the Seal classic, which I guess requires some musical ability. She was clearly the Linda McCartney to the violin player's Sir Paul. Color me disappointed.

But if that's your thing, you are in luck! The duo, which is cleverly named Trinity, have apparently put out a CD. I didn't want to buy it because I was worried that I might encourage their behavior, but sometimes it's best to not be a dick for five minutes and enjoy the fruits of someone's labor.

I guess if all the licensing issues are worked out, the album might not be all that bad. It can't be any worse than 50 Tyson's new joint, which I am still waiting on.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Yinz Cin Save Money in Picksburg Jist fer Being Trashy!

So Monday was "Mullet Day" at the Pittsburgh Zoo. What this means is that anyone entering the zoo with a mullet (or a mullet wig. Cheaters!) received $5 off of their admission price.

Additionally there was a "Best Mullet of the Day" contest where the winner got something awesome like a case of Iron City, a coupon for a free Primanti Bros. sandwich and discounts

Now I don't want to get all uppity and judgmental but is this really the sort of thing you want to encourage in your town. People with mullets seem to be stuck in some kind of time warp as is and institutional behavior like this suggests to them that everything is A OK when it really is not. We should be reaching out to these people to help them. Then when they're nice and close, we just grab the hair hanging down the back and cut it right the hell off.

I'm also annoyed with this because you just know some douchey jokester thought it would be a gas to buy a funny mullet wig and go to the zoo that day. I'm sure they walked around pretending to be white trash and thought that everyone was in on the joke and laughing with him. Not quite, pal. They were laughing at you. Because you are a penis.

I don't want to toot my hometown's horn, but you don't see this kind of shit in Baltimore. We're way too classy for that. We keep these people tucked away where no one can see them.

Actually, the Baltimore Zoo thought about offering a similar discount, but realized that such an act would probably bankrupt the organization. Plus, there are already a shitload of animals in there to clean up after. They didn't want to bring in more.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Prince's Pet Peeves: Broken Escalators

So one of the worst things about riding the DC Metro Rail system to work everyday is that the escalators never, ever work. Now, unfortunately, when escalators stop working they become stairs, and we all know what we have to do when we come to stairs. Walk up them.

Normally, this isn't that big a deal because you are only walking up a 15-foot tall flight of stairs and its a nice bit of exercise. Its still annoying, because I fully expected to be lazy on my way up. Or if I'm feeling particularly spry, I'll trot up the escalator in an attempt to look like I am important and in a hurry.

This pet peeve of mine really hits home when the big escalators go down, which is more often than I am comfortable with. What makes this suck even more is that the Metro system is home to some of the longest escalators in the world.  My particular stop's escalators tops out at under 90 feet, but that's still a lot longer than you may think and it pisses me off to no end to have to walk up them.

The steps are very short and choppy and it makes it difficult to take them two at a time like a stud, so you have to slowly trudge up this long bastard. Sometimes, by the time I get to the top, my knees are aching and my whole day has started off in the toilet.

In one particularly awesome instance, two of the three escalators at my stop were down with the center one going down but blocked off. The far right escalator was jam-packed with people who were trying to walk up it and get to work. As I waited in line to go up the far left escalator, I noticed all of the people on that one had stopped and some were turning around so they could come down the broken escalator and then go back up the other broken one. WTF?

In any event, this lead to 15,000 people going up and down one narrow little escalator and having to walk the entire way. Things almost got really ugly when some hipstery douche with an attitude and a death wish decided to walk down the opposite side of the lone available escalator with two-way traffic. He eventually moved over to the other side because people were yelling at him, which was a good thing. If it had turned into a game of chicken with me, I would have pitched him over the side. My machismo and sense of entitlement would not have allowed me to back down. Then I probably would have had to use my diplomatic immunity to beat a murder rap. I would probably have become a Washington, D.C. folk hero in the process, which, surprisingly enough, I am not yet. I need to work on that.

So in summation, broken escalators = shitty stairs = pissed off Prince. Any questions?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

GTL 4 Life! It's Miami, Bitches!

So this made me happy. The kids that stole our hearts last summer are back and better than ever in Miami Beach.

Everyone knew this was coming, so it's no surprise, but I was still excited to see the trailer. I think we can safely say that the increased profile of the cast might make for more explosive fun than last season. I don't want to spoil the trailer but there were a shitload of catfights and lots of people falling over and wrecking shit while drunk. Also, the future Princess of Dundalk, J-Woww looks as lovely as ever. She will make a fine vessel for my seed. Once I finish this cycle of steroids and stock up on ham, she will be mine.

So screw it, I'm going to spoil the trailer. It looks like Vinny bangs Snooki and Angelina and then they fight over him. Awesome. Then, The Situation orders a pizza and tries to put the order under "The Situation."

What I would like to know is how does this guy stay so fit and trim when all he does is eat pasta, pizza, sausage and peppers everyday? Plus he drinks every night. I'd say superior genetics but I think he might be mentally handicapped.

Anyway, this thing jumps off on July 29th, so you have four full weeks to get your fist pump game in order and buy some club gear from Buckle in the mall. I expect everyone to be ready with crisp jeans, tight dresses and blown-out and poofed hair on the big day. I will not tolerate grenades reading my blog.