Thursday, October 21, 2010

Must Have: Comfort Wipe

So this is a real product. Honsetly, I'm surprised that no one had done this sooner. 120 years is a long time for a technology to remain stagnant. I do suspect we've had some guys go the DIY route with this before. The tech is just too brilliant to believe that it is brand new. There had to have been a committee at some point. NASA must have worked on something like this for the space shuttle. They put a go-kart on Mars. I can't imagine the sent shuttle crews into orbit with a few rolls of Charmin.

Now on to the testimonials. I'm not a small man, but I am feeling really good about myself after watching this commercial. I've never not been able to reach my asshole. After today I'm putting that fact in the plus column. I'm happy this man has found just what he needs to clean out his butt. Next, what's going on with this glamorous older woman that she needs to ask for help when she shits? She does sound like she is from Jersey though so maybe her idea of dignity and personal hygiene is different from those outside of America's Armpit.

Back to this groundbreaking technology now. What did they do to toilet paper in the 1880s that was so revolutionary? They couldn't have perforated the sheets for easy separation and I doubt that they had the technology to double ply that stuff. What the hell did they do to it? Were people using their shirts before the 1880s. Someone find out and report back to me!

I can appreciate that the Comfort Wipe has the ergonomic design and offers an additional 18 inches of reach, but are their people out there that really threw their shoulders out wiping their ass? I imagine that would be an awkward situation if you were in a public bathroom. You either ask for help and risk your dignity or suffer through mud-butt. Could a portable Comfort Wipe be in the works? We can only pray that it is. Also do we need a Lady Comfort Wipe for women's front bits or do you guys think the ergonomics will work both ways? These are the burning questions that need to be asked.

I like that they are also sweetening the deal with the Get A Grip. I think the should come in pairs so you can set them up on either side of the toilet to aid in pushing. True story: my dad has one of those in his office. It's probably for my grandmother, but I like to think he's got other plans for it.

In conclusion, the Comfort Wipe seems really unnecessary but will probably be wildy successful. This is America after all. Any tool that helps us do less physically is just tops.I predict this will be the #1 gag gift this holiday season replacing the Snuggie or whatever other bullshit people gave as jokes last year.

I think of the Comfort Wipe the same way I do of nuclear weapons. It can probably get you out of a jam, but God save you if you have to use it.


  1. "toilet paper is archaic and disgusting" I fully agree-- thats why I ONLY use pure cashmere for my wiping needs. Do you think that would work with this product? please advise.

  2. I guess it would work with cashmere. If you were going that route I would probably just have one made out of exotic woods, ivory or precious metals.

    I think an even classier method would be to capture a unicorn and have it lick you clean after each movement.