Wednesday, February 17, 2010

True Baller Status... Maryland Style!

If you really want to live large in my neck of the woods, you don't need a condo in Ocean City or a fancy rice burner with stickers in the back windshield that spell out your name or awesome nickname (Silent Samurai, I'm talking about you!). All you need is a bad ass custom designed crab eating knife. Like me!

The box instructs me to eat blues like I mean it. And dammit I will! I will mean it so hard those blues won't know what hit them.

As many of you know, crabs are the official food of Maryland (I don't really know that) and if anyone outside of Maryland tries to tell you anything about seafood punch them in the mouth. Go on. Do it. Then tell them I told you to do it.

There is a reason we kick ass at crab eating down here. That reason is Old Bay, or Wye River if you prefer. The other reason is that we have dudes who love crabs so much that they craft tools that maximize their crab eating. They're not here to pussy foot around.

Take in the beauty of the crab knife. Form follows function to create a tool worthy of Hephaestus, God of the Forge.

The handle is contoured to fit your hand perfectly and the short, blunt blade is perfect for opening crabs and digging out the precious meat.

What about a mallet you say?

Kiss my ass, I say.

If you are a real OG you don't need a mallet. The knife is your only tool, hence the weighted horn of the handle. If you're legit this is all you need. In the rare occasions when that is not enough, you are allowed to use the meaty part of the side of your hand.

If you don't own these you should.


  1. Real blue crab eaters don't need knives. We use the sharpened third rib bone of our paternal grandfathers who were watermen on the Chesapeake.

    Hooper's Island, represent!

  2. I think you have me beat. I never thought to use holy relics.