Wednesday, July 29, 2009

MonsterQuest Does It Again

I think I have made my feelings about the History Channel program MonsterQuest pretty clear by now. They were really treading on thin ice with me until I saw this evening's episode.

Apparently, people have been seeing flying humanoids all over the worlds so they sent their crack investigative team to check shit out. This particular episode was loaded with crackpots and morons, making this show sink even farther in my humble opinion.

The episode contained loads of homemade videos of these "creatures," and strangely enough, they did not look like my man Yves "FusionMan" Rossy that you can clearly see above, but more like amorphous blobs that are really not all that convincing. In fact, the videos looked exactly like a bunch of balloons floating off into the sky.

One of the "experts" brought in to debunk these new monsters that appear to be cropping up tried out the whole balloon theory and was pretty much convinced by the end of the show that the videos

One of the more enjoyable parts was watching some clown with a mullet re-enact his filming of the "flying man" on the streets of Santa Monica. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing: the fact that he filmed a bunch of balloons and then went on cable television to tell people it was a man in the sky or that he went back and did a dramatization of his adventure.

Luckily, the producers involved in the show realized that a balloon launch does not a monster make so they padded the show with crazy tales from south of the border. Mexico also has flying guys so they were only too happy to chip in.

Apparently, some cops came into contact with these crazy flying things, so that adds some legitimacy to the proceedings. Not really. All of the cops that came in contact with the fucking things said they looked like witches with hats, capes and long nails. They were apparently flying around cemeteries or some shit. Then one cop said that one dropped out of a tree and onto the hood of his car. Clearly this is the work of chupacabras but who am I to say really.

Here is the news broadcast.

I don't speak Spanish but I'm pretty sure the lady with the crazy headband said those people were retarded.

But, MonsterQuest didn't stop there! They explored some caves in the area where the creature could have lived, which turned up jack shit. Then came the piece de resistance! The production team spoke with Mexican scientists about a mysterious tiny little body that they had encountered.

Now I'm no scientist, but I think I know a crazy little monkey when I see one. These guys did not. Genetic testing was also inconclusive. Either way I don't think this little shit would grow up to be a witch that attacks cops and flies around cemeteries. Three cheers for Mexican Science!

The next new episode is supposed to talk about Killer Chimps. I hate chimpanzees but they aren't really monsters in the strict sense. Another episode claims that it will go after the "real" Moby Dick. I didn't realize that Melville's tale was based on a true story. I bet this episode is as successful as the others.

I really think it would be fun to sit it on the show's production meetings. I bet they just eat mushrooms and play wiffle ball or some shit. Nice work, gang.

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