I'm Still Here. I Promise.

Hola, gang! Sorry I haven't rapped at you in a while. I know it would take a monumental explanation to really make up for my absence. The good news is I have one.

A few months ago, I saw my sensei murdered in cold blood by one of my fellow students. This guy was pissed because he taught me all of the secret arts instead of him and decided to blame the sensei rather than just accepting that maybe he wasn't as good of a student as he thought he was. In my shame and grief I took a vow of silence until I was able to avenge my teacher.

I traveled the world searching for him. I trekked through the Himalayas, slept in volcanoes, explored lost cities in South America and then forged a sword from the molten core of a fallen star. Still I could not find him. Then one day I was at a CVS here in Glen Burnie (picking up a Whatchamacallit and Arizona Iced Tea) and there he was right in front of me. What the shit?!

So I dropped my treats and ran outside to my car where I had my star-sword sitting in the passenger seat and I waited to pounce. Bing bang boom, I cut off his head and ate his heart taking his strength and essence into me.

Anywho, here I am. Your humble blogger, bowed in supplication.As a sign of good faith, please enjoy this video.

Watch out, puppies! Killer baby!

Happy America Day!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We won!

If anyone needs me, I will be hanging out in my front yard grilling hot dogs and drinking Budweiser.

The Greatest Speech Ever Spoken

You tell 'em, you magnificent bastard.

If you watch this video today and do not run out and make your dreams happen then you aren't fit to draw breath. This man started out as a small boy from Mississippi and he worked hard (with a little help from his loving wife) until he achieved his dream of owning cowboy monkeys that ride dogs.

God bless you, sir. You are an inspiration to us all.

Seriously though. Why didn't this guy ever come to talk at my school? I think its important for kids to learn that even if your dream is really, really stupid, you can still achieve it and get paid to do what you love. Is there anything more American than that?

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: The Prince Edition

So I thought I might offer up my own dream. Apparently Kendra is not the only one in the family with an odd subconscious. I think I have an excuse. I took a double dose of 10 mg melatonin before bed when I had this dream so it's a reasonable assumption that my brain chemistry was changed for the evening. What followed was a disturbing look into my pop-culture laden psyche. It was also a pretty star-studded affair with guest appearances by two classic TV stars from the '80s and a recent Oscar nominee.

I swear this is all real.

I was going to some weird warehouse building that was filled with people. There was this house on the outside that was inhabited by rednecks and we were heading there. I was with the actor John Fawkes who was Kenny Powers' brother and we went to this house and had the redneck family come out. There was a weird stage set up and I walked up and placed and miniature train car on these tracks that were there. I had come to this people's house to show them that I had shrunk down Patrick Duffy from Step by Step and Dallas and put him in the train car. I asked one of them for a car battery thinking that if we shocked him he would dance. Then a huge crowd formed to see him. Everyone was watching and then Lynda Carter (who played Wonder Woman on TV) came up and grabbed Patrick Duffy and threw him into the crowd. I screamed "What have you done? He's as good as dead!" Then John Fawkes and I started to run because we didn't want to get in trouble for his death. As we were turning the corner we saw that Patrick Duffy was OK and full-sized in a turquoise sport coat and he was coming back in to see who was responsible for everything. He was pissed. So John Fawkes and I dropped to the dirt to stay out of sight. Then I woke up.

Right when I woke up from this absurdist theater show, I sat up in bed and actually said out loud "What the fuck?"

Princess Kendra's Dream Theatre: Greg Nice Makes a Cameo

So baby sister's subconscience is at it again. This time, my friend and associate Greg Nice made a cameo along with his illegitimate sisters. Who are soley the product of my sister's twisted dreamscape, I should add. I don't think there are any skeletons of this nature in the family closet. I can't be certain but I would stake my spotless reputation on it. Anywho, enjoy!

I had a dream last night with a cameo of Greg [Nice] all up in it!

I'm not sure if this was apart of the dream, but Matt, we first started out at the mall with the Kemps. The girls were waiting in line to go the bathroom and Dawn and Buzz just started walking away and was like, "Ehhhh whatever. They'll be fine." I didn't want to leave them so I remember staying and waiting for them.

The next thing I remember, I was on the road turning onto RT 1 and there were like 4 hippies sitting in the middle of the road on those pop out camping chairs. I remember driving past them and I saw they were drinking coffee and had small signs so I figured they were protesting something.

Fast forward to me somehow being in a hotel room, I open the door an am bombarded by those four hippie chicks. They were all pretty unattractive- bad makeup, very plain, looked like those feminist girls from the PCU movie. They all start screaming and are all loud demanding if I know Greg, etc. I was actually on my way to meet the two of you in a bar.

They were like, "He's a whore!" And I said, "Who? Greg is a whore?" And they replied, "No, his dad. We are all his daughters!" Point of that being- your father had a lot of illegitimate, unattractive daughters. They were super fired up so I remember just F-ing with them. The one was all screaming in my face and I was like, "You are cute. C'mere and give me a kiss."

Your sisters continued to follow me down the hall shouting and I entered the bar to meet you guys which was definitely like a Jillians/Dave and Busters type of bar. I saw you guys at the table and I was just kind of chuckling because I had this yelling entourage following me. At this point Greggy, your face went completely white. The sisters saw Greg and started in on him and Matt, you said to me, "Oh great- everyone is all excited because they think it's about to get all ghetto up in here." The entire bar thought there was going to be a massive throw down.

So the real question- were they protesting your father in the middle of the road right near Rt. 1? Keep your family drama outta my dreams.
 
Amen, sister.

Bigfoot Captured on Film in NC

Well dear readers, I think you know I can't pass up a good Bigfoot story. While this is not a good Bigfoot story, I decided to post it anyway.

So this video was shot in North Carolina on Golden Valley Church Road in Rutherford County. If you look on a map it's right in between East Jesus and West Bumfuck, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to find. The fact that this road is in the sticks lends a little bit of credibility to the potential siting. Just a bit though. In my humble opinion it's the video that saps the rest of the credibility.

I really want to believe that this guy finally captured a sasquatch, but I have been burned too many times, most notably by those clowns from Alabama who sold a frozen bigfoot costume to Stanford University for $30,000. Or something like that. I don't remember the details.

On to the video. First of all, the whole damn thing is blurry. Seriously? This was your one shot and you decided not to get the shot in focus. Doesn't every video camera in the world have auto-focus now? Did he turn that feature off?

When the creature crosses, he lets out that funny little grunt while shaking his fist menacingly at the camera. To me that looks like a crotchety, old man shooing kids off of his lawn. He also kind of shuffles across the road like he's wearing slippers or something. The only plus the cameraman has going for him is that this thing he filmed is really, really hairy. But that's not enough to convince me. There are lots of hairy people out there, myself included, and last time I checked we were not the missing link.

In summation, this is a fat, hairy hillbilly that got caught running around the mountains naked. I'm sure this is not a rare occurence. I just think it happened to be one of the few times it was caught on video.

I'm no fan of hunting and I think it's wrong to kill an innocent animal, but I think if I were in the woods and came across a sasquatch and I had the means, I would shoot the shit out of it. Boom. Proof. Do I feel bad about it? Yes. Do people think I'm full of shit? Not after the DNA testing comes back.

Which brings me to The Prince's Lesson of the Day: Always carry loaded firearms in your car. The bigger the better. You never know when you need to drop an ape on the side of the road.

I hope we've all learned something.

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Harry Potter Dubstep Poledance

So this is without a doubt the most interesting thing I have seen today.

Since I am a geek I was stoked for the magic and whimsy of Harry Potter. Since I am a guy I was stoked for the poledancing and lady parts. The dubstep music only served to lull me into a weird daze while I watched the video.

It's safe for work (unless poledancing is too naughty for your office) and is kind of like a naughty Cirque du Soleil. I don't even need to see naked if the poledancing is going to be like this. I'm entranced by the movement and the athletic prowess of the witch woman in the video. It's really very impressive. And it's kind of geek hot too, which is always a plus. There is nothing like sexy geeks who may or may not be strippers. I wonder if she reads comics?

Seriously, has Cirque du Soleil done this yet? If any members of the troupe are reading this, get on it. I want to see some next level poledancing shit next time I go out to Vegas. But not at a nudey bar. And yes I know it's lovely when they are naked, but I think it would be even cooler if they looked like this when they poledanced.

It would be kind of creepy if they didn't look human.