Monday, May 24, 2010

Blatant Video Theft Corner: Teen Wolves in San Antonio

Whoops! Sorry to get your hopes up. We're not talking about the Howards or some other awesome werewolves. We're talking about these douchers.

Where to begin? I guess the first thing I will say is that watching a video like this is a wonderful way to gauge how old you are. If it pisses you off, then you are old. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I like that the one kid tells us that they are "not to be feared." Thanks for the tip. I was about to start melting down the flatware to make silver bullets but I guess I can hold off on that. According to them I should be more concerned with the "poser" gangs. People still use that word? I'm not concerned with either of them, really. I just don't want to have to see them when I go to the mall.

I understand that adolescence is a tough time for kids and that they need to feel like they belong to something. I'm not heartless. I just think its kind of odd that kids will talk about trying to be themselves when they are busy pretending to be something they are not. I'm a firm believer in being comfortable in your own skin. You shouldn't need to throw on a wolf's hide to feel good about yourself. Plus they look dumb with those raccoon tails and contact lenses.

Now ultimately I don't care what they do with themselves, but whenever I see something like this I immediately think about whether I would want my kids to do. Can you guess my answer to this one?

If I end up with a son that is fixated on werewolves, fine. If he were to happen to wake up naked in a field, covered in blood then good for him. He knows how to party! And if he wants to look the part then go for it. But be a cool looking Teen Wolf, not this crap we're seeing. The werewolves in Underworld were pretty bad ass. They were a bunch of big, swoll dudes with body hair and beards. They were always hanging out in sewers and fighting vampires. That's much better than hanging out at the mall and hassling the security guards.

Plus, what kind of shitty werewolf names are Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus or Wolfy Blackheart? That's just super-lame. Pick something bad ass like Thorfinn Grimfang or my old pseudonym, Rock DangerWolf. You need something with a little zazz.

I bet they try and draw a lot of attention to themselves by howling and growlin but then say that they are just trying to be themselves and want to be left alone when people finally look their way. Have fun at the prom you all decide to hold in the graveyard. I'm sure that will be a blast.

I hate teenagers.


  1. Mine was ruined as soon as the video started. Whatever you do, don't go to the mall. You might punch a 16-year-old.

    Also, the thumbnail from the video makes Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus look like Kristen Wiig.

  2. I'm thinking we need to make a movie about 30 somethings who hate teenagers for all the right reasons and take action against them...

  3. I love this idea. It would be like Falling Down mixed with the playground beatdown from Step Brothers.

    Maybe we can get Clint Eastwood to be our Gran Torino-esque mentor who shows us "the way."

  4. It really is her fault. And her werewolves weren't even cool!

  5. why can't kids just wear jenco jeans and chain wallets. weirdos!