Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My New Favorite Show: Sex Decoy!

This morning I had no idea this show existed, but tonight I rest easy knowing that the Fox Reality Channel is producing fine entertainment like Sex Decoy: Love Stings!

The show follows Sandra, a crispy-headed blonde who just so happens to be the owner and chief investigator for MateCheck Investigations, a firm that hires itself out to women and then tempts their boyfriends, husbands, etc. with a revolving cast of sexual decoys.

Tonight's episode was a very special one as Sandra's youngest daughter Xanadu (back home after years of estrangement) was going to take on her first case and try to tempt the shit out of some clueless ass.

Abby hired the firm because she suspected that her fiance Brandon, the lead singer in a nu-metal/rap band and promising MMA fighter, might be susceptible to the sensual advances of a comely vixen. Xanadu contacted Brandon and set up a private MMA tutoring session in which she would ply her wares to the unsuspecting doucher.

While running around the octagon in the dojo, Xanadu managed to completely botch the entire sting. Her best move was when she asked the dude if he wanted to get a coffee. She said nothing while he was leaning over her stretching her supple hamstrings.

Sandra was not pleased with Xanadu's performance and told her so over tea in their Phoenix home. Xanadu did not take it well and when she began to cry, said that she wasn't crying and that it was "stupid."

Sandra brought in Kelli, another decoy she has used on numerous occasions. Kelli posed as a rock journalist and interviewed Brandon after his show at a shitty sports bar. Brandon totally fell for this crap and started making out with the girl, then Abby came storming in. In true guy fashion, Brandon turned it around on Abby and screamed at her for embarrassing him in front of his "fans." Sandra kept talking shit to him and Brandon was getting violent. He was throwing wild, weak-ass punches and then hauled ass out of the parking lot in his Saturn while flipping the bird. Classy.

The post-sting wrap-up had Sandra calling Abby to see how things are. This may come as a shock to you, but Abby and Brandon are still together. According to Abby he is "totally changed" as evidence by his sharing of his MySpace page password. That's true love if you ask me.

The family decided to celebrate the successful case (and the clearing of Abby's check) with a night out for karaoke. Sandra was dressed to the nines in a metallic silver dress that looked as sexy as it sounds. When she got up for her turn at the mic, she stopped to tell her daughter Xanadu that she was proud of her despite her utter failure. The two then sang a God-awful, tone-deaf rendition of "Amazing Grace."

Mostly absent from this episode where Sandra's two other daughters, Kashmir and Jasmine. Kashmir, the oldest is a little bit shy and is working her way into the family business as a decoy. She also works nights as a topless dancer. Jasmine is the go-to decoy and is quickly making a name for herself. She could be the best in the business, or, according to the Fox Reality Channel website, she could continue her downward spiral into the Phoenix club scene. Gasp!

Also along for the ride is Tom, Sandra's boyfriend and co-worker. Apparently, the girls think he is the cause of everyone of Sandra's problems. I smell some upcoming conflict!

While none of the daughters are super-attractive, they are just trashy enough that I would totally bite the bait and kick some verbal milk. They pop their boobies out a lot too, so you can see how it would be an uphill battle for me. Kashmir has some big ears, but she makes up for it with the Great Equalizer, big tits. She also has a big round booty. Jasmine basically just looks like she wants to use your body as a jungle gym so I can see how she would be good at this job.

For any future girlfriends or wives who may be out there in the ether reading this I have this to say: Don't even go here. I will bang the decoy on principal and then blame you for my indiscretion. If reality TV has taught me anything, its that you can totally get away with this kind of shit, even if you're caught on camera.

In summation, this show is shit like most others but its still fun. It was either this or the History Channel and I can only watch the special about Hitler's secret cities so many times. I think everyone should check it out at least once. Its like a train wreck. You can't turn away no matter how much you would like to.

sex decoy Pictures, Images and Photos

From left: Tom, the live-in boyfriend; Jasmine, Sandra's top decoy; Sandra (duh!); Xanadu, the up-and-comer; and Kashmir, the shy stripper


  1. Let's hope the shy stripper stays shy.

  2. With a name like Kashmir, she is just waiting to pop.

  3. I think that I will do this with my future...I just have to reproduce and name all of my sloot children fabulous stripper names like Caramella, Sprinkles and Nevaeh (that's heaven backwards-so classy)! Hehe....sad thing, that is not that inprobable considering me. :) I have to catch this show though!!!

  4. My favorite porn star is named Carmella. Small world, huh?

    I do like Heaven backwards. You could even just name the baby Heaven. That's pretty rad.

    I'm naming my daughter Chartreuse. That's fucking classy.