Thursday, April 29, 2010

My Earthquake Poll is Closed!

So the latest poll closed out this morning and I'd like to thank all participants. Thanks to this blog I've gone from an embaraasment to the family to just a regular old disappointment and I couldn't have done it without you guys. This is a victory for us all.

Now on to the results!

None of you thought that Jerry Falwell's crew of deviants was responsible for the earthquake. I knew going into the poll that nobody would actually select that option, but I like to remind people how much of a dildo that guy is from time to time. That guys should not get off easy for shit like that. I hope everyone took that away from the poll. I'll break it down into a simple, easy-to-remember equation for everyone. Jerry Falwell=dildo.

Sadly, Poseidon the Earth-Shaker only got two votes. I think this might be because people associate him with being the God of the Sea and were not aware of his role as the man behind all the earthquakes in ancient Greece. Another little tidbit: Poseidon created horses. So next time you're at an equestrian event sacrifice a live goat in thanks to Old Salty for all the pleasure horses have brought you.

There was a three-way tie for second place with Immodest women, angry Mayan gods and science each getting three votes.

The jury is still out on the immodest women. The Taiwanese tremor could have been a result of psychic boob energy before the boobs were even unveiled on Monday! To get to the bottom of that, I've put in a call to world famous parapsychologist Dr. Peter Venkman. I'll let you know what I uncover.

If it is the angry Mayan gods causing these quakes we probably won't know until 2012. I think the exact date is December 12. So live it up freaks! The clock is ticking.

Science seems like the sensible answer, but what has that really proven lately? Where was science last week when I ran out of toilet paper and ruined a perfectly good t-shirt? I rest my case.

The big winner in the poll was my friend Greg's balls popping out of a pair of short shorts which netted 38% of the vote! Way to go Greg's balls! Now Greg swears he never wore shorts that short, but I remember him as a child and I suspect he did. He's a tall drink of water so even normal shorts are going to ride a little high on him, making a testicular appearance that much more likely.

In any event, I will now endeavour to capture Greg's image in these tiny shorts for the blog at some point. I feel that my readers deserve to see the real culprit behind the recent earthquakes. If he gives me any grief, I will just remind him that my readers feel that his nuts are powerful enough to cause the earth to shake, and really isn't that the finest compliment a man can be paid?

If none of this works, then hopefully loyal readers can get a glimpse of these mantastic power-nuts during the First Annual Prince of Dundalk Balls for the Cause 5K Fun Run and Clambake. Rules stipulate no shorts with an inseam over 4 inches, so there is a good chance.

Ladies will love this event because at each watering station, volunteers don't hand out cups of water, but rather douse the runners Flashdance-style making for some super-sexy wet t-shirt action, as well as upping the chances for some serious chaffing.

Proceeds will go to some disease or another. Or maybe something with kids. Or dogs. I haven't worked that part out yet. I may just keep all the money.


Loyal reader and friend to the blog, Greg Nice, wrote me personally to express his delight at the poll results and also to pass along a little tease for the ladies.

He writes:

"Yo, I just read the poll results and I'm very excited that 38% of the people think my balls are that powerful.... it reminded me of the attached photo..... this happened recently at a laundromat in Baltimore..... I squatted down to get my clothes out the dryer and BOOM my crotch fucking exploded! It was really weird because the pants were not tight-fitting or old and threadbare..... just got explosive nuts, I guess..... feel free to post this on your blog as an UPDATE."

That's a powerful hangdown.


  1. I think that 5K sounds like a blast. Can we make this happen? At Downs Syndrome Park perhaps?

  2. My ego is totally ready to hold an event in my honor. I think we should proceed.

    As the Royal Party Planner it falls on you to get things moving.

    Just let me know the day before.

  3. Nice crotch shot update from Greg. I'm loving those explosive nuts.